Capitán Quixote and the Pulp Sci-Fi Novels
by Emily Lydic (SG1SamFan)
Character(s): Don Quixote, Sancho Panza, Rocinante
Word Count: 1,070
Summary: Just a silly little story I wrote for my Spanish 3 class, set after don Quixote is cured of his insanity. Based on Miguel de Cervantes' famous novel.
Disclaimer: Don Quixote is in the public domain, and I own this story and my characterizations, though the characters belong to Cervantes. Uh, not that I think anyone would want to steal this... LOL.
Having been cured of his craziness, Don Quixote awoke from his long sleep. He saw that the books of chivalry he'd loved so were gone, so he turned his attention to the pulp science fiction novels on his nephew's shelves. The priest believed the novels were harmless, and since the books kept don Quixote out of knightly adventures, his family once again allowed the old man to become immersed in the world of fiction, not thinking he would go crazy again.
Soon, however, don Quixote became obsessed with the novels. He put on a metallic bodysuit and rocket boots and holed himself up in his room, and it quickly became apparent that he was going insane once again. Except this time, he believed he was an intrepid space explorer rather than a knight errant.
One rainy morning, don Quixote headed out to the stables. "The air smells of worms," he said to himself, splashing through the puddles. "Alien worms. I must be on guard to protect myself from their body-snatching webs."
As don Quixote passed through the doorway to the stable, he walked right into a spider web.
"The worms are attacking me with their webs!" he screamed. "They want to tie me up and snatch my body from me!" Struggling with the web, don Quixote dropped to his belly and rolled in the dusty aisle of the barn. The web was covered in dust and lost its stickiness, but don Quixote did not notice.
"Perhaps if I draw my light saber," he said, "the alien worms will release me and flee in fear."
Staggering to his feet, don Quixote drew his yellow flashlight and waved it around "That should scare them away!" he said. He clawed at the web, triumphantly flung it away, and stamped it into the dirt. "Take that, vile creatures of the dirt!" he spat.
Putting the little flashlight back into his pocket, Quixote went to see his horse.
"Rocinante," he said to his faithful old nag, "your name no longer suits your purpose. From now on, you shall be called Beeblebrox, which means 'most noble of steeds' in the alien tongue of the Plutonians." He stroked Rocinante's scraggly mane as if it were gold, but the horse simply sighed in boredom.
That night after dinner, don Quixote announced that he was leaving. "Please do not leave us again, uncle," begged don Quixote's niece.
He would not listen. That night, he went to see Sancho, his former squire.
"Sancho," said don Quixote, clasping his friend by the shoulder, "you shall no longer be my squire, but my second-in-command: Commander Sancho Panza."
Sancho paused, his eyes narrowing in plodding calculation. "What do I get out of it?" he said.
"Not only governorship of an island, Sancho," replied don Quixote. "Oh, no. Not just an island, but of a whole planet."
Sancho's eyes grew wide, then he leaned forward attentively. "All right," he said. "I'm listening."
Don Quixote smiled. "I thought that would get your attention. Your duty shall be to carry out my orders when we are on missions and man the ship's bridge whenever I am planet side."
Sancho squinted his eyes in confusion. "But, master–"
Don Quixote cut him off with a quick wave of his hand, drawing himself up regally. "Call me Capitán."
Sancho nodded slowly, puzzled. "Uh… Of course. But, mast–… I mean, Capitán."
"What is it?"
"I mean, it isn't a big deal, but… Well, isn't there a bit of difficulty manning a ship when we live miles away from the sea?"
Capitán Quixote rolled his eyes. "No, Sancho," he said slowly, as if to a small child. "Not a watercraft. A spacecraft."
Sancho raised his eyebrows skeptically. "And where're we gonna find one of those?"
"I already have one," said Capitán Quixote. "You see, Sancho, a number of years ago, I crash-landed several miles from here. Reading the novels of my planet's history helped me to remember my former life. All that is left is to find the Northern Star."
"Well, where did you park it?"
The Capitán pointed to where the sun was setting. "To the west," he said.
So for three days and two nights, the two explorers journeyed toward the crash site. Sancho rode on his little donkey, Burrito, and Capitán Quixote rode on his noble steed, Rocin… Er. Beeblebrox. At the end of the third day, they came across a one-room shack with a rusty tin roof at the edge of the woods.
"Look, Sancho!" cried Capitán Quixote. "It is the Northern Star!"
"What, that?" said Sancho in disgust. "It's nothing but a shack with a tin can for a roof!"
"Sancho, do not insult my beloved ship simply because you are jealous for your own," said Capitán Quixote, leading Sancho inside the shack. "Your day will come... someday. In the meantime, you must merely assist me in seeking out alien life, battling with lasers, and restoring peace to the galaxy. You may start by fixing the sub-light engine." He pointed to the wood stove in the center of the room. A pipe jutted out at an odd angle, a bit like a broken arm.
Sancho finally decided to concede defeat. After all, he was getting a planet out of the deal. So he fixed the stove and started a fire.
"Excellent," said the Capitán. "We are lifting off."
Just then, a stampede of cattle passed by the woods near the house, shaking the little cabin.
"Commander Sancho," said Capitán Quixote, "we are being attacked by ground troops of the evil Lord Darth Tater. Man the bridge and beam me down," he ordered. "I'm going to fend them off."
He drew his flashlight and flicked it on, then charged through the doorway toward the herd.
One bull grew annoyed at the intrusion. He kicked out at Capitán Quixote's head and knocked him out.
"Capitán!" Sancho screamed, running to help him.
In a few seconds, don Quixote opened his eyes and blinked blearily, regaining consciousness. "Where am I, Sancho? And where are my sword and my suit of armor?"
"Please, Sancho, call me master. And saddle Rocinante. I have a great tournament today, and it would not do for a knight of my stature to be late."
Sancho's eyes grew wide in confusion. Then, it dawned on him. He closed his eyes and sighed, touching his fingertips to his brow.
"Oh, no," he murmured. "…Not again."
A/N: Drop me a review, and I'll make you governor of the first planet I conquer. ; ) Really, I'd be delighted to know anyone actually took the time to read this other than my Spanish teacher.