I'm sorry!! Please don't kill me for not updating in two months! Look new chapter! -runs away screaming-
Disclaimer: Unless you find an episode where Naruto is getting spanked by Gaara for being a bad boy, then no, I do not own Naruto.
Naruto: -smacks pixistixs- We have been starving! Starving, you crazy bitch! You locked us in your basement for two months! Two freaking months!
Gaara: Where the fuck have you been?
Me: -rubs her cheek- About that, I can explain-
Gaara: You update your other story but not this one?
Me: Hey, that doesn't count! I had already written up the three chapters for that one.
Gaara: We'll just see if your readers buy that pathetic excuse.
Me: But-but I said I'm sorry!! -wails-
"You better be telling the truth," she said with a sigh of relief and released his poor abused ear.
"You finally believe me?" said Naruto with a gruff of annoyance as he rubbed his ear.
"Hmm, yes well if that's the case...then what did you guys really do then?" she asked slyly with a light blush splattered on her face.
"Yes, yes but we can't take any chances," she muttered darkly under her breath as she paced back and forth. Tsunade abruptly stopped and turned around slapping on some gloves. She loomed over the cowering blonde, with her eyes glinted maliciously, "Well, just to be absolutely sure I'm gonna have to –ahem- check something…"
Naruto looked at her warily and crept back as she got closer. "And just what might that be?" he asked her cautiously.
"You'll see…" she said with a creepy leer on her face.
She leaned forward and whispered in his ear. Naruto's face turned several shades of red upon hearing what she was going to do to him. He jumped away from her, grabbing his bottom protectively and shouted indignantly, "YOU'RE GOING TO PROBE MY WHAT?!"
"Your…'virginal orifice'," she said calmly. She then added with narrowed eyes, "That is if it is still virginal…"
"Virginal orifice?! That's not what you said in my ear, you old hag! You said you were going to stick your fucking finger up my-"
"Naruto! There is no need to use such crude language in my office," she scolded him.
"Crude language my ass! What you said to me was the dirtiest thing I've ever heard in my life and I hang around Ero-Sennin all day! Well, thank you, thank you for raping my poor virgin ears! How could you even bear telling me that without blushing?!"
"I'm a medic-nin, this is nothing new to me. It'll just be like a standard prostate exam," she said closing her eyes in aggravation as Naruto continued on with his rant.
"...tainting innocent little boys- Wait! Prostate exam?! You mean like the one Ero-Sennin was forced to get a year ago?" asked Naruto, horrified at the mention of the forbidden 'P' word that he was sworn by Jiraiya to never utter again for pain of death under the Toad Sannin's hands. Tsunade smiled cruelly and chuckled as she remembered that he was forced to get one under a male doctor and not a female one making it all the more traumatizing. She peeked open one eye when everything became quiet only to see Naruto slinking away to the door inconspicuously.
"Where do you think you're going?!" she yelled making him freeze. He made a run for the door but she caught him before he could reach it. She promptly pulled him up by his collar and dragged him outside while he kicked and screamed, "Let go of me, you old hag! Just because you can't 'get some' it doesn't mean you can go around molesting little, unsuspecting, teenage boys!" That earned him a nice, hard stomp on his face.
"Shut up, Naruto! People are watching," she hissed, grinding her high heels into his face. Everyone in the mission room turned to look on as the Hokage continued stomping his face. She finally stopped when she realized that this just made people stare even more. Naruto looked at her with watery eyes and a bruised face, whimpering, "But I don't want you to probe my 'viriginal what's-it's-face'…"
"It's virginal orifice," Tsunade corrected him. Naruto's eyes were still watering with tears; whether it was from the beating his face endured just seconds ago or from the thought of getting finger-raped by the big, scary Hokage was uncertain. "Oh don't be such a baby! It's not that bad, as long as we have some lube…"
Naruto was immediately smacked over the head by Tsunade who shushed him and glared down at anyone that dared to snicker.
"Stop being so loud!" she snarled at him. "I don't want people to get the wrong idea and think that I'm going to rape you."
"But you are going to-!" his next choice of words were muffled by Tsunade's fist which plowed into his face effectively shutting him up.
"This is strictly professional," she said massaging her temples as she dragged the now nearly unconscious Naruto down the staircase making no move to make the journey any less bumpy. "I am only doing this because I care about you. If what that crazy old hag from the Sand Village said was true then we are in for a helluva lot of trouble."
Naruto just mumbled incoherently still reeling from the direct punch to his face by the tremendously strong Sannin. Tsunade rolled her eyes at him and hauled him into a medical room.
"You've never dealt with a male pregnancy have you?" said the old woman sneering at the look of shock on her face.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" she asked her, slamming her hands on the desk as she got up. The old woman just looked at her fingernails as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world and answered,
"I'm talking about the Kazekage's future wife, Naruto."
She smirked again at the agitated look on Tsunade's face. A vein was already starting to throb angrily on her forehead. Just to push her buttons even more she added, "I bet you don't even know how to deliver the baby."
"Stop babbling like a deranged fool," she snapped at her. "There is no way a male can carry a child. It's impossible."
"Care to test that theory when Gaara fucks him senseless-"
"Gaara will sooner lose his precious manhood before he touches Naruto."
"We'll just see about that now, shall we?" said Chiyo. "Gaara always gets what he wants. He wants Naruto then he will get him. Besides, it will do both our villages good to have such a strong alliance between our two countries."
"As long as I'm Hokage I will not let that happen. I don't trust you or that red-head one bit," Tsunade ground out. "Who knows what your real intention is behind this charade, after all you are the same people who sealed a Bijuu in an unborn child in order to gain more power for your village."
"I could say the same about your village!" Chiyo shot back angrily.
"OUR circumstances were different," said Tsunade evenly. "There was no other choice."
"Humph, at least we've embraced Gaara as a human being and as our strong, devoted leader. I don't think I can say the same about your village," said Chiyo snidely, getting up from her seat. "We would treat Naruto much better than the despicable villagers here do."
She started walking toward the door smiling to herself as Tsunade let her words sink in. Right as she grabbed the door handle Tsunade spoke up and said, "You would only treat him that way if you were getting something in return. You needed Gaara's power to protect the village, that's the only reason why you've accepted him or else you would still think of him as a monster. I bet you still do think of him as a monster, just one that's a bit tamer and little more easier to control."
Tsunade shut her eyes as the door slammed loudly in her wake. She exhaled deeply and slumped back in her chair. She had gotten the last word in but Chiyo had won the battle still. What was this about a male pregnancy? And how was Naruto involved in all of this?
Naruto started to regain his consciousness and his vision focused in and out as he tried to remember where he was. He looked around and saw a dark figure with evil, glinting eyes walking towards him with a gigantic needle. Before he could say 'Eep!' the needle had been stabbed in his arm making his lose what little consciousness he had.
Tsunade laid the needle down and said, "That should do it." Whatever this male pregnancy thing is, it probably has to do with the seal somehow. She lifted up his shirt, running a long manicured nail down the seal mark. The seal started glowing red at her touch. Interesting, she noted as the mark deepened into a crimson color. She suddenly removed her finger as if it was burned. The seal won't let me touch him. Well, that doesn't make things any easier.
If she couldn't touch him while examining him then how was she going to find out more about his condition? She briefly considered calling in the Hyuuga heiress in to check on him with her Byakugan but decided against it because the poor girl would probably faint if she saw Naruto undressed. And Neji Hyuuga was out of the question because he would most definitely molest Naruto in his unconscious state than handle this in a professional manner.
She experimentally touched his stomach again but her finger got seared again by the seal. She put her finger in her mouth in pain and thought hard about any other possibilities besides burning her hand repeatedly. "Maybe Kakashi can help with his sharingan, but I can't seem to find that lazy bastard anywhere. In fact, he disappeared right after the porno tape incident along with Jiraiya." Hmm, suspicious.
While she had been busily contemplating over this dilemma, she didn't notice the changes that started to take form in Naruto's body. The seal had continued to glow red and the whisker marks on his face deepened into his skin making his face look more feral. Eyelids slowly opened to reveal blood red eyes which immediately narrowed down at Tsunade, watching her closely as she sucked on her forefinger still oblivious to the whole occurence. Tsunade did however hear the low growl that was emitted from the red-eyed demon. She flicked her eyes at Naruto, her chakra immediately spiking in her hands, arms up in battle position. "Kyuubi," she breathed out.
Kyuubi just scoffed and rolled it's eyes at her, "You worthless human, I'm not here to fight you."
Tsunade did not lower her guard and just narrowed her eyes at the demon in suspicion, "Then what are you here for?"
Kyuubi looked at her with amused eyes and growled, "I'm here to tell you to... back off."
"What?" exclaimed Tsunade incredulously dropping her arms to her side, momentarily forgetting about keeping up her wits around the demon.
"Oh, deaf are we? I said back off," the demon repeated with a sneer.
"I heard that," said Tsunade snappishly. "Back off from what exactly?"
"Back off from my kit's love affairs. If my kit wants to procreate with the Sand brat, then I'll make damn well sure he does-"
"Excuse me, your kit?" asked Tsunade with a raised brow, looking rather annoyed at how nonchalantly Kyuubi just up and claims Naruto as if he was one of the demon's own offsprings.
"Yes, my kit," said Kyuubi glaring at her for interrupting. "And I won't stop at anything to get him together with the red-headed ninja no matter how much you meddle in with their affairs."
"And why would you do that?" asked Tsunade suspiciously. "What do you care anyways?"
"Simple. I want him to have a family of his own."
Tsunade scowled at that too sweet of an answer, "And am I supposed to believe that coming from a demon like you. You're almost acting as if you're his mother…" Tsunade trailed off with a scoff looking up at Kyuubi only to see a grin spread across it's face.
"It's only motherly instincts after all," said Kyuubi sweetly.
Tsunade's eyebrows shot high up at the mention of 'motherly instincts'."What are you talking about... don't tell me you are a-" she said slowly, eyebrows furrowing in disbelief. Kyuubi's grin widened remarkably, eyes dancing with mirth she answered, "Female."
Tsunade slumped down on the chair next to the bed as this information processed through her mind. Kyuubi continued to watch her from the bed, clearing enjoying herself. To unsettle her even further she continued the conversation revealing even more shocking information.
"You should have realized it sooner. After all, I do affect the boy very much in some aspects, the whisker marks on his face are a very good example of that, " said Kyuubi running one fiercely, long nail lazily down Naruto's cheek. "Didn't you always wonder why the brat had such a slender figure and such a high-pitched voice even after hitting puberty?" Kyuubi chided. "Hm, no? It was all my doing. And as a medical ninja, didn't you ever stop to think why the curvature of Naruto's spine curves across three vertebrae and not two like normal males."
"Of course," said Tsunade slowly, comprehension dawning on her face. "Only females have that extra support, to help them balance their center of gravity during times of…"
"Pregnancy," finished Kyuubi (1). Tsunade sat stock still as the severity of the situation hit her full on. The old hag was telling the truth.
"I need some sake," Tsunade rasped out. Kyuubi chuckled amusedly as Tsunade got up from her seat and brought out a bottle from underneath the bed. She drained half the bottle in one swig and let out a sigh running her fingers through her hair in frustration.
"But you don't have to worry him being pregnant now because I can assure you that nothing happened between those two so you don't have to do your little check-up on him," Kyuubi said smiling with delight as Tsunade continued to sit there utterly stupefied. "Besides, I want Naruto to be untouched for his future husband."
Tsunade snapped her head up and glowered at the demon. "Are you done dealing with your shock?" asked Kyuubi chuckling in amusement.
Tsunade growled and opted to stare at her bottle of sake before suddenly asking, "Why Gaara?"
"What do you mean?" asked Kyuubi taken aback by the abrupt question.
"He's the demon vessel of a one-tailed demon, a demon that is much weaker than you. Why would you choose him?"
Kyuubi gave her long, hard stare before answering, "Out of all the possible candidates I have picked out for him, Gaara is the best choice."
"Oh and are the rest of your candidates just as insane as him?" asked Tsunade sarcastically.
"Pretty much," said Kyuubi truthfully. "They might be insane but they are strong. I was gonna choose that Zabuza guy but he died and even if he didn't die it wouldn't have worked out because I suspected that him and that girly boy Haku had something going on. My next choice was Kakashi but he is far too lazy. He wouldn't take care of the kits very well."
"And the fact that they are both twice his age never crossed your mind, did it?" Tsunade said rolling her eyes.
Kyuubi ignored her and continued, "Then the Uchiha came to mind but I knew that wouldn't work out very well either."
"Who? Sasuke?" Tsunade asked in curiosity.
"No, his brother Itachi. But he's working for that Akatsuki organization which is bent on capturing me so he's off the list. But trust me, Sasuke was the next best choice. Ah but that damn bastard chose to go off with that pedophile so he's off the list too."
"You were actually considering Sasuke?" asked Tsunade, perking up at this new prospect. Having Naruto with Sasuke wasn't so bad as sending him off to another village, especially the Sand Village.
"Yes, they did know each other the longest and Sasuke's possessiveness would ensure Naruto's and his kits safety. But he chose power over Naruto so I eliminated him from the list. Loyalty is a quality that is absolutely required in Naruto's mate. One thing I know for sure is Gaara will never betray Naruto."
Kyuubi paused momentarily and then looked at Tsunade and said, "It seems the brat is regaining his consciousness so I don't have much time. But remember this I want him to be happy just as much as you do, so don't interfere with his love life. Gaara might be the only one that can truly love him. Don't. Ruin. It."
And with that, the crimson eyes faded away to reveal bright blue, drowsy eyes. Naruto's body fell back on the pillows like a lifeless doll. Tsunade watched him lazily as he slowly got up again rubbing his eyes sleepily. She drank the rest of her neglected sake bottle and chuckled as she thought, Figures Kyuubi would find the most strongest, craziest, most bloodthirsty shinobi out there as a mate for Naruto.
When Naruto had fully awakened, he let out a girlish shriek when he saw Tsunade sitting next to him, clearly drunk, chuckling like a perverted creep. Tsunade raised an eyebrow at him in annoyance. To which he just bellowed, "YOU MOLESTED ME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING, DIDN'T YOU?!"
The empty sake bottle that she threw at his head was barely avoided thanks to his quick reflexes. He fell out of the bed in a tangle of sheets and shot straight out the door as she screamed after him, "Come back here, you little punk!"
"RAPE!!!" Naruto screamed all the way down the hallway, eliciting a few strange looks from passerby's faces. Several dirty looks were shot Tsunade's way.
She punched the wall next to her creating a giant hole making everybody scurry away in fright, "If I didn't love that kid so much I would've murdered him a long time ago," she muttered darkly under her breath.
Iruka appeared to be listening patiently with crossed arms as Naruto explained breathlessly how Tsunade had tried to rape him by knocking him unconscious and taking advantage of him without his consent. But in fact he was having a hard time controlling himself from bashing the kid's head in. He kept muttering to himself, "Don't kill him yet...don't do it, Iruka...-twitch twitch-...don't do it..."
"…and then she ran after me but I did what you told me to do and screamed 'RAPE!' and came to you as fast as I could," Naruto finished finally, taking a huge breath.
"Now Naruto," said Iruka slowly, his eyebrow twitching as he tried to ignore the snickering in the background. "I understand that it must have been a very traumatizing event for you. But...did you have to barge into my classroom and explain that in full detail in front of my ten-year old kids?!"
The whole classroom erupted in laughter at this and Iruka tried to control the kids as best as he could. Naruto blushed beet red as he just barely realized his young audience who were listening the whole time.
"That's enough! Detention after school for everyone!" Iruka yelled at the rowdy bunch. That shut the little devils up, but the evil little ten-year olds immediately turned to Naruto and glared at him furiously for being the cause of their detention.
"Eh heh heh," Naruto laughed nervously. As soon as Iruka turned around to write on the board, he was pummeled by spitballs and crumpled paper and some pretty hard erasers.
Naruto slipped out of the classroom as fast as he could, the paper balls and erasers following him as he made his escape. There was a trail of pencils stuck on the wall like kunais where he stood not just a second ago.
Once outside, Naruto pulled out the one pencil that he failed to escape from, and got stuck on his left butt cheek. "Damn ten-year olds," he groused rubbing his butt in pain. He turned and promptly collided with a pole that he hadn't noticed was in his way. He staggered a little before falling to the ground unconscious for the second time that day. For a few moments he laid as still as a doll before he opened his eyes slowly with a dazed expression on his face looking up at the sky. He got up slowly and zombie-like, his body hunching over like it was being control by puppet strings. His body straightened itself up until it was standing up right. The glazed over, azure blue eyes darkened and bled crimson red. His whisper marks grew larger and his lips curved into a smile. Kyuubi had taken over again.
Kyuubi closed her eyes with a smug expression on her face and walked in the opposite direction that Naruto was going towards. She continued walking, chuckling to herself in a wicked manner until she made it to her destination. She gazed down the pathway as the Konoha Gate came into view. The guards at the gate waved towards her and said, "Naruto-kun, going on a mission are you?"
She didn't answer them and just kept on walking. "Naruto-kun?" they called after the blonde. But she had already crossed over the gate and jumped into the tree branches. With red eyes flashing, she smirked, showing one single sharp, elongated fang. "I have to do everything for this brat. Now let's see, which way to Suna?"
Meanwhile in Suna...
"Kazekage-sama, it seems we have stumbled upon a very disturbing videotape of you," said the chuunin standing in front of Gaara's desk, blushing and bumbling over his own words. Gaara raised an eyebrow at him and nodded for him to continue.
"I-It shows you in a rather er- compromising position with a certain blonde-haired Konoha nin," the man gulped looking up at Gaara to see if he showed any signs of anger. Gaara kept an impassive face until suddenly he got up from his seat causing the man to jump back a few feet landing in front of the door. He hurriedly tried to get a hold of the doorknob so that he could escape in fear of feeling Gaara's wrath.
He got up immediately as ordered and stood at attention. Gaara circled around his desk and stood in front of him. "What did you see in that videotape?"
"Nothing Kazekage-sama! I-I didn't even watch it, heh heh..." the man gulped again as Gaara continued to stalk forward making him sweat profusely. He pressed himself against the door in hopes of somehow melting through it. "Okay, I saw it! I saw it! It didn't show anything explicit, I could only hear the moaning because the door was closed and-"
"How did you get this tape?" Gaara snapped at him.
"Y-your fanclub was selling it down the street for 80 bucks-"
The door to the Kazekage's office suddenly burst open just as the man was about to answer, squashing him against the wall. The door crashers, namely Temari and Kankuro, paraded in wearing what looked to be matching T-shirts. Gaara eyes flew wide open when he saw just what they had on their T-shirts.
"Look what we just got! New merchandise from the recently established Gaara/Naruto fanclub!" shouted Temari showing off her T-shirt. The shirt read "Animal Attraction" with a picture of Gaara and Naruto in the front. Gaara was standing behind Naruto with one of his arms spread across Naruto's torso while the other was reaching for his -ahem- 'you-know-whats'. Neither of them had so much as a spot of clothing on them, the only thing covering Naruto's privates were the words "Animal Attraction". "I think the black color is very slimming, don't you think Gaara?"
"And look I got a Naruto plushie," said Kankuro hugging the blonde plushie tightly. The vein above Gaara's non-existent eyebrows started to throb angrily as he watched him touch the doll version of his Naruto. "It has an optional removable pants feature."
"Give me that!" Gaara snatched it from him with a snarl, holding the plushie to his chest.
"Hey I paid good money for that," Kankuro protested.
"Mine!" he hissed, glaring down at him daring him to say another word. Kankuro shrunk back behind Temari in fear. "Now, what the fuck is this Gaara/Naruto fanclub and how the hell do they have pictures of my Naruto naked?!" Gaara roared pointing at Temari's shirt.
"I don't know! They said they got it from some mysterious guy with black hair who called himself the 'Lord of the Penis', whatever that's supposed to mean," said Temari rolling her eyes and crossing her arms. "It's obviously fake. It just looks like you're...doing what you are doing, cause we all know you didn't really do anything like that with him, did you?" asked Temari with sly expression on her face. He bared his teeth at her warningly in response. Temari seemed unfazed by the threatening gesture and continued nonchalantly, "But how they got pictures of you naked is beyond me. I can understand Naruto, that idiot probably showers with the bathroom door open."
"I want to meet with this "Gaara/Naruto" fanclub and show them what happens to people who post pictures of my Naruto naked," Gaara said in a low, deadly voice. The sand had already leaked from his gourd, his face already half-transformed. The chuunin, who had been plastered against the wall up until then, shrieked when he saw Gaara's transformed body and fainted from sheer terror. Kankuro was using Temari as a human shield in case he started lashing out on them. Temari gulped as she watched the sand grow larger and more terrifying.
"But first...I'm going to play with my Naruto plushie," he said and quickly returned to normal as if nothing had happened. He turned around and crooned over how cute "His Lil' Naruto" looked. The ferocious sand fell lifelessly behind him, looking as harmless as well sand would look if it wasn't being possessed by an ancient One-Tailed demon raccoon-dog-thing. Temari sighed heavily in relief, putting a hand over her thundering heart.
"But-but it was mine," Kankuro whined as he watched Gaara play with the plushie that he bought with his hard-earned cash.
"Let it go, Kankuro, let it go," said Temari shaking her head.
"So there really is a removable pants feature, hehehe" Gaara chuckled evilly, throwing the tiny pants over his shoulder.
"Yeah... I think we should go before he does something else to the poor thing," said Temari, a little unnerved by Gaara's behaviour.
"Right behind you," said Kankuro, blushing deep red with an appalled expression on his face, as he watched tiny boxers fly through the air too.
"Wait take me with you!" yelled the distressed chuunin who had finally regained his consciousness. He had gotten his fill of heart attacks, accidental piddling in the pants, and just outright mortifications for the day. He ran out the door just as Gaara began cooing sweet nothings into the Naruto plushie's ear. Needless to say, that was the last time he was going into the Kazekage's office to give him a message.
Done! Hellz yeah! -dances with maracas-
Ahem, on a more serious note, you must be all wondering what the hell I've been doing besides fulfilling my wonderful reader's need for more updates. All I can say is... take pity on the poor high school senior who just wants to get into college and not be a failure! But thank goodness it's winter vacation I can finally write and update my stories. I will promise you this, expect another update before the end of winter vacation, it's the least I can do for making you wait for two whole months.
(1) -this is actually true, I read it in an article not too long ago. You can go check it out by searching "females evolve more spine to carry babies" on google. I will most likely explain it further through Tsunade or Sakura in a later chapter but if you want to find out about it now you can go check it out. I recommend that you guys read this anyway because it is a very interesting article and shows another great aspect about evolution and natural selection.