A/N: I got the idea for this after "Big Shots". SPOILERS for "Empty Eyes" and "Big Shots".
6 April 2007 5:30 pm
As I type this, I know you are upstairs sleeping - my two wonderful boys that I hold so dear. I couldn't sleep, even with Nicky's arms around me. Last night's case was difficult on all of us, but none more so then our youngest, you Greggo.
I know I seemed bitter and uncaring, and maybe more so the past couple weeks then ever in the past, but it was all my way of keeping our secret just that – a secret. Greg, you don't know how many times I wanted to hold you as the night progressed. I saw the hurt, the pain and the anger as it filled you, because you show all your emotions through your eyes.
Those beautiful brown eyes filled with tears more than once, but I am proud of you. You were the better person in the end, and as long as you know that, then nothing else should matter.
I still cannot believe I have the two of you, you know that, right? Every day I thank whatever higher being there may be for giving you to me. Or was it bringing me to you? No matter the circumstances, we are together. The three of us like the three legs of a tri pod. chuckles I never get sappy, or say things like that, but it is true.
Without one of us, the others would fall. I take it as my responsibility to make sure that does not happen. We have been a family for the last five years, and I could not stand to lose either of you now. We survived when you, Nicky, were buried alive, and I will tell you now since I could not bear to then, but as I watched you, I felt my heart breaking.
I love you both equally, but knowing that you were inches from death and were hanging on for Greg and my sakes gave me the last bit of hope.
Greg, it seems as if you have been getting the beating by the power(s) that be recently. To see you lying on the concrete, half dead, brought me to tears and I had to turn away. You saved a life, even if it did mean accidentally ending another. You are not guilty of anything other than doing what you thought was best in that moment.
I am proud of you for it. Last week was a blow to all of us. If I thought I hated politics before then, I hate them even worse now. I cannot believe the city settled like they did, and it was all about giving the people what they wanted to see, when it came down to it. A cop killed a man. They don't care why.
All of this leads up to the loving that I showed to both of you this morning at the end of the shift. I wanted you both to know you were loved, and so I loved you. Greg, your skin is still smooth as butter when touched, and Nick, your chest is still as sensitive as ever. It had been too long since I gave you both the attention you deserved, and now you sleep, undoubtedly curled in each others arms, not realizing I have let you rest.
I want you both to know that I would not be here if I did not have you in my life. It hurt to leave you for Massachusetts, but I came back to find you just as I left – happy and full of life.
I start this journal for the three of us to share. In it I hope you will tell everything, knowing that everything you say will be read by your loved ones. We keep no secrets from each other, and we should keep no secrets from ourselves. I love you, my boys.