Title: Oh, Baby!
Rating: PG-13ish
MPREG. Slightly cracky.
Summary: What he absolutely refused to do was contemplate the idea of a: settling down and b: losing his trim physique.
Disclaimer: Once you read this you will clearly see the distinction between my insane brain-children and the lovelies that the owners create.

A/N: Another response to Five First Lines Challenge but I actually wrote this first and in the wee hours of the morning so I used all five lines in one fic. It counts because I started with one of the lines...

It was a dark and stormy night on Xerxes V when Jack Harkness realized he was pregnant.(1)

Well it wasn't so much dark or stormy as bright and sunny.

Truthfully, it wasn't yet Xerxes V either; they were on version 3.5. (They had the Doctor's driving skills to thank for that.)

And it was so much that he realized it but that he'd almost been digested by the sentient flora and the Doctor's preliminary scans for adverse affects had sent up red flags.

"Err...Rose?" Had the Doctor just squeaked?!

Anxiety filled one Jack Harkness, "Doc?"

"You're fine, Captain! Tip-top shape! Healthy as a Kiltaporian mare! And you know they live for centuries! Just need to have a quick word with Rose. Lay back and relax. Shouldn't be too hard for you," the Doctor chirped in a cheery tone that sent chills up his spine (A chirping Doctor was NOT normal. Ever.) as he ushered a bewildered Rose out the door.

Why wasn't he reassured?

Ah, right. Survival instinct.

An excruciating five minutes later a pale Rose re-entered the room, gripping a slightly panicked Doctor by his sleeve. Presumably to preempt any attempt at escape.

Oh by all that was wanton and wicked, he was gonna die!

"How long have I got?" He asked stoically.

Rose gave him a sympathetic glance before turning to glare at the Doctor and making impatient gestures.

"Ah!" said the Doctor, scratching the back of his neck, "Now, this will take some explaining."(2)

"It's not a bleedin' test! Just tell 'im!" Rose demanded.

"You're pregnant," the Doctor blurted.


Jack's eyes became abnormally large.

Rose quickly moved to soothe him, putting an arm around him and patting him in what was meant to be a reassuring manner.

"I'm sorry, honey. I really am." Rose could feel the tears beginning to form. "It's twins." (3)

Which was when she burst into hysterical laughter.

Jack couldn't even summon up a glare. Instead, he turned desperate eyes to the Doctor who was looking decidedly uncomfortable.

"Please, tell me you guys are kidding," he pleaded.

"Well, yeah," Jack released a relieved sigh that put all others to shame, "about the twin thing."

And promptly squeaked.

"He fainted?"

"Bugger. We're going to have to repeat this conversation a coupla times. I just know it."

Jack was a wreck.

A man completely in denial.

Not about the pregnant bit.

He knew that was always a possibility.

What he absolutely refused to do was contemplate the idea of a: settling down and b: losing his trim physique.

At least until he tracked down the other "parent".

Suffice to say, when confronted with a hormonal and rabid pregnant Jack Harkness, a defensive rose Tyler who always went for the groin, and the Last Time Lord/the Oncoming Storm/The-Guy-With-Too-Many-Bloody-Titles, it was not very intelligent of said "parent" to reply with the news of a pending bundle of joy with, "This never happened, I wasn't here and that does not belong to me."(4)

Especially while pointing (and thus drawing attention to and shattering Jack's delusional fantasies) to Jack's distended middle.

He lived.

If you could call that living.

The Bastard (the most tame of the various epithets which the offending biological donor had been gifted with) had actually done some good.

He'd gotten Jack out of the realm of denial. He refused to resemble The Bastard in any way or form and jumped onto the baby boat with frightening drive and intensity.

Giving birth in a jail cell was not fun, Jack decided.

Even if it made a hell of story for Junior to grow up on.

Jack, exhausted, was being supported by the Doctor as he held his baby boy.

"Gotta name for 'im yet?" Rose murmured.


"You're kiddin," she dead-panned.

"It's either that or Martin."

Both the Doctor and Rose winced.

Rose was just in time to catch Junior as Jack's eyes fluttered and he passed out.

"Well, at least he waited to faint 'til after," the Doctor announced cheerily.

Rose shoved the crying infant into the Doctor's arms and muttered, "he's your problem, too, you know." (5)

"No no no! I don't do domestic," and yet for all his denials the Doctor held Junior confidently with an odd air of experience and he soon quieted.

"Well, you'd better learn! Just because 'm the girl doesn't mean I'll be the only one gettin' acquainted with 'is nappies!" Rose declared teasingly as she left to get some much deserved rest.

"Somehow," the Doctor spoke to the gurgling Junior, "You weren't quite what I expected to happen to us. Ever. Straight out of left field. Just like your Da. Don't go takin' after him, mind. One is bad enough."

Junior grinned.

The Doctor groaned.

Then he went to find Jack bloody Harkness.

He was NOT changing nappies.


(1) wendymr's line

(2)thelucktstars' line

(3)akarihoshi's line

(4)darkaegis' line

(5)purpleshoes' line.