Disclaimer: I do not own Xenosaga or any of the characters mentioned in the following story.
Warnings: This story contains violent sexuality and may be disturbing to some readers.
All of You
Albedo has ever been my other half. For many years now, we have been truly one, two halves joined into a single body. Sometimes I can hear his voice speaking to me so clearly that I think that everyone else must hear it as well. Sometimes, he sleeps, but I can feel him still. He fills my heart and often, he darkens it.
Albedo was always afraid. It was his fear combined with the contamination of U-DO that made him so sick. Sick in his mind and soul. Sometimes, that sickness runs through me like a poison. I was afraid back then too. It was partly the fear of facing my brother's vulnerability that made me abandon him. But never again. Now there is nothing I don't readily share with him, no aspect of my life – save one.
She has grown and so have I. I kiss her, I touch her, I make love to her and all the time I try to keep a wall between myself and Albedo. He does not respect her as I do. He does not love her as I do. When I run my hand through her beautiful hair, long now, I can hear Albedo's snicker in the back of my mind. He mocks my feelings for her. He would have me treat MOMO as an object, good only for satisfying my lust. I have often wondered if this is because she is a realian or simply because Albedo has always been selfish, unable to understand people other than he and I have feelings too.
I kiss MOMO gently, easing her back against the white headboard of her bed. My hand moves to softly cup her breast and I hear Albedo's voice in my head.
"She has lovely little tits, doesn't she, Rubedo," Albedo's voice is full of the sarcasm and malice and yes, madness, with which he usually addressed me in those years when we were apart. "Why don't you rip off that dress and twist those pretty pink nipples …"
I draw my hand away from her quickly. I draw my whole body away and look at her lying upon the bed, her face flushed and lips red. Somehow, she always managed to look all innocence, even in bed. I grin stupidly at how beautiful she is, but the next moment I feel a rush of Albedo's pure lust, his desire to take her, to hurt her.
"Ahhh!" I scream, not in pain but in frustration. I leap from the bed and turn away from her, gripping her dresser and bowing my head. "Get out," I growl and I repeat it over and over again. "Get out, get out, get out, you bastard!"
I hear Albedo's mocking laughter and MOMO calling my name.
--- -- ---
He can never touch me without guilt, regret, and always I know that Albedo is there. Albedo wants to have a role in this part of Jr.'s life, as he wants to be in all parts of Jr.'s life. But Jr. always pushes him away. He is protecting me. Jr. is gentle and kind and treats me like a real person. Albedo would not treat me like that. He would use me, hurt me. I can still remember the time Albedo kidnapped me, his madness, his cruelty. And yet … when I think of the violent spark in those eyes, something like desire surges through me.
Once, Mommy explained to me why I had been given sexual lust. It was so I could fully experience love and know the full extent of human emotion. I wonder what she would think of my desire for Albedo. I quickly put all that from my mind and looked at my redheaded boyfriend clutching my dresser and talking to himself.
"Jr.," I say gently. "Jr.?" I rise from my bed and walk over to him, placing my hand upon his shoulder. He jumps, as though he has forgotten that I am even in the room, but says nothing. "Is it him?" I finally work up the courage to ask. "Is it Albedo?"
He frowns and looks so sad that all I want to do is hug him. He is such a sweet boyfriend that he tries to shield me from many things; including Albedo and even himself, if indeed the two can even be separated. I twirl a lock of his hair on the ends of my fingers.
"Stop it," he says firmly, though not harshly.
"I know you don't like him there when we are together," I say. "But Albedo is a part of you. I understand that …" I trail off as I notice that Jr. is not paying much attention to me, but seems to be having some sort of internal struggle. "What is it?" I ask. "What is he saying?"
Jr. didn't answer for a moment and when he did, his reply wasn't very satisfactory. "It doesn't matter," he said, with some effort. "It's not important."
Sometimes I wish that he wouldn't try to shield so much. "Please tell me Jr.," I my arms around his neck to comfort him. "I want to help."
"Please," I beg.
"He says," Jr. stopped and gulped, obviously having difficulty, "he says that I should let him take over. So – so he can play with you, he says."
"Oh!" I exclaim, surprised.
--- -- ---
"Such a pretty little doll," Albedo's voice echoes in my mind. "You never properly play with her, do you Rubedo? She's porcelain to you. You are afraid of breaking her. Give me control of your body, and I'll show you what you should do."
This alarms me. I can't remember the last time Albedo's voice was so loud, so insistent in my head. He has never talked about taking control before either. Usually his voice is faint and sleepy, but now I am beginning to feel weak. MOMO is speaking to me.
"Maybe you should let him," she whispers.
"What?" I snap, giving her my full attention.
"Maybe you should let him use your body," she says quietly, blushing.
"You want him?" I ask, surprised, a hint of jealousy creeping into my voice. I can't ever remember being jealous of my brother before.
MOMO's face goes bright red. "I want you," she manages. "All of you. And I know I'll never have all of you if you keep pushing Albedo beneath the surface."
In a strange sort of way it makes sense. If I could only trust Albedo … but I know how he feels about MOMO. I can't allow him to harm her.
"No," I tell her, "he would hurt you, MOMO."
"He might," she says, "but not much, I think. I – I might not mind."
She does have a point. I share everything with Albedo, everything but this. In this, I know that I cannot trust him, so I always push him away. I feel him in me strongly now. I wonder if he would try to take control of my body forcefully.
"I'll handle her as gently as porcelain just for you, my dear brother," but his voice is sarcastic and so loud in my head that I can't even hear what MOMO is saying. I can't think. My head hurts and I'm sleepy and I only know that they are both telling me to do the same thing.
"Okay!" I yell unable to fight any longer and MOMO jumps back, alarmed. "I'll do it."
--- -- ---
"Okay! I'll do it!" he yells. I am surprised. I never thought that he would actually agree. "MOMO, be careful," he urges and then closes his eyes, as though in pain. When he opens them, shivers go all up and down my spine. It isn't my boyfriend's loving gaze that looks out of those blue eyes any longer. Jr. has looked about the same age as Albedo did when I knew him for some time now, but I rarely thought of Albedo when I looked at him. They treated me too differently. Now Jr. – no, Albedo – has the familiar crazed glint that I associate with the white haired man in his eyes. He cricks his neck and then holds his hands in front of his face as if getting use to the feeling. Then he looks at me and smiles in a way that both scares and excites me.
"Why hello, ma peche," he says.
--- -- ---
She looks at me cautiously, her lips parted in fear and lust. Rubedo thinks her an innocent, but I know better. The little slut wants me. She probably wants every nice looking young man who comes her way. Rubedo isn't any better. He prattles on about loving her and scolds me for trying to cheapen his feelings, but he lies even to himself. He had claimed to have deep feelings about the real girl too – Sakura – but this little doll does not have her personality. They are not really alike – only their faces. And that is what attracts Rubedo. For a pretty face and a female body, my brother has long been willing to abandon me.
"Hello Albedo," she says shyly in that sickeningly sweet voice of hers. I cross my arms, looking at the doll coldly.
"Undress," I say.
"I don't --" she begins, but the look in my eyes must make her change her mind. She begins to fumble with the buttons of her dress. She was always weak. Even I know that. Impatient at her childish attempts, I walk over to her and begin to rip her dress down the middle, not caring about the buttons that are falling off. I laugh when I see her standing there in only her underwear and white stockings, looking so shy and modest. Doesn't she realize that I have seen her naked before through Rubedo's eyes? It is probably some ploy that she uses to get men to sleep with her. Reverse psychology.
I put my hand gently on her face and she looks up at me, eyes full of expectation. I drive my nails into her skin clawing my way down her cheek and leaving four red welts. She gasps loudly but does not scream. This must be because realians don't feel pain in the same way that humans do. Rubedo, who has remained silent – anxious I think – until this point, speaks loudly into my mind in protest, cursing at me.
"Now that's not very nice," I tell him. I would try to push him under the surface, but I want him to witness me taking her. So that he knows that she is a worthless slut. I wait long minutes, knowing that his tirade will stop when he realizes that there is nothing he can do. He is too weak at this moment to take control.
The doll waits patiently all this time, not saying a word. I wonder if she realizes what is happening. When Rubedo's voice in my head grows silent, I turn to her. My hand reaches under her bra to clutch at her breast possessively. I can feel her trembling. I take her bra off impatiently and then a grab her by the hair and throw her down upon the bed. She cries out and I can hear Rubedo objecting again, though weaker this time.
She lies upon the bed and looks at me awkwardly. She is certainly not skilled at seduction, but I feel myself growing hard anyway at the sight of her perfect petite body. I step toward her slowly, reach out and twist her nipples so hard that she screams.
--- -- ---
I awaken to find sunlight streaming through my curtains. My body is a bit sore and I know that it would be far worse if I were a human, but I don't mind so much. I close my eyes and remember the night before; Albedo hitting and slapping me, pulling my hair, scratching my skin, and then pounding into me harshly over and over. By that time, I had been scratching too, and as I look over at the man in the bed beside me, I can see red bloodied marks across Jr.'s back. I wince in sympathy, not so much for Albedo, but for my boyfriend.
"Wake up," I say, shaking him, unsure if it will be Jr. or Albedo that I am addressing. He awakens and shakes himself, looking at me sleepily and then he takes his hand and pushes my face away, nearly knocking me off the bed. Albedo then.
He gets up, ignoring me and begins to put on his clothes. "Where are you going?" I ask. "Back to the Elsa?"
He gives a strange smile. "No, ma peche, not to the Elsa, I think."
"Oh," something about his tone alarms me. "Where are you going then?"
He shrugs. "I do not know. But I'll soon find out."
I begin to grow afraid. "You're going to let Jr. out again, aren't you?" I ask him, my voice rising a pitch.
He laughs cruelly. "The little doll wanted one night of good fucking, but now she wants her sweet, soft Rubedo back, is that it?"
"No," MOMO blushed. Was that true? I can't deny that there is something in her that finds Albedo attractive, but I told herself it was only because I wanted every part of Jr. I love him that much. "But please let him out," I beg Albedo, putting those thoughts out of my mind. "I would be sad if --"
"Do you think I care," he tells me, holding up a hand. "I'll let Rubedo out – someday."
"I am no longer tired," he sounds serious, sincere for once. "But I think my brother is." He stretched. "Besides, I think I may have need of this body. Will you come with me, peche?"
"Come with you? Are you going to do something – something bad?"
"Well, that depends on your definition of the word "bad", doesn't it?"
I shivered. I should get someone right now to restrain him, to stop him from hurting anyone. I realized right away that he would never let me. "Poor Rubedo would miss you terribly if you did not come," his voice is sarcastic again. "His tender heart would just break in two."
I wonder if he is telling the truth about Jr. I sighed in defeat. Then I wonder if it really matters. Jr. means everything to me.Wherever he went, I had to follow. Perhaps I could even stop Albedo from doing whatever he had in mind.
I bow my head. Mommy and Ziggy and all my friends would miss me so much, but I already knew what I was going to do, right or wrong. "Okay," I say quietly, "I'll go."
Albedo smiles at me.