A/N: So I'm re-reading HBP, and I just really needed to do some Tonks-bashing. Or rather, some Tonks-with-Remus-bashing (I liked her perfectly fine in OotP, thank you very much). This is what came out of it. I know it's not very original, and probably not too funny either, but I needed to get it out.
Warnings: This is SLASH. Remus and Sirius in loooove. If you don't like it, don't read it; I will not be held responsible for offending anyone's delicate homophobic sensibilities. This also BASHES TONKS and makes her pretty darn OOC. If Tonks is your favorite character, I suggest you click that Back button right about now.
Disclaimer: If I was J.K. Rowling, Tonks and Remus never would have gotten together in the first place. Clearly they did, therefore it would appear that I am not JKR.
Eggs and Toast and Sausage
"Padfoot, I just don't think I can take it anymore."
"Hmmm?" Sirius muttered sleepily, rolling over in bed and wrapping his arms around Remus. "Take what?"
"Tonks!" Remus hissed in exasperation. "Do you ever listen to a word I say? Tonks is driving me crazy! And not in the good way that you drive me crazy… If she makes googly eyes at me one more time I swear–" He broke off and sighed, burying his face in Sirius' comforting shoulder. "This is not working."
Sirius yawned and resigned himself to remaining somewhat wakeful. "What, um, exactly is it that's not working?"
"The secrecy," came the reply.
"But Moony, you were the one who wanted to–"
"I've changed my mind," Remus interrupted smoothly. "It's high time we came clean to the rest of the Order. I have nothing to hide, you know," he added, planting a chaste kiss of Sirius' lips.
Sirius kissed him back. "That's a lie and you know it," he cheerfully retorted.
Remus grinned. "I have nothing to hide where you, my ever-precise Padfoot, are concerned. Tonks needs to know, now."
"Mmm," Sirius agreed. "But no big dramatic coming-out clichés, okay? I want to have some fun with this."
"Once a Marauder, always a Marauder, eh?"
The next morning, Remus and Sirius forsook their usual habit of maintaining a careful interval of ten minutes between their arrivals at breakfast. Instead, they shuffled downstairs together, pajamas on and bed-head intact. (Sirius had complained mightily about having to postpone his morning hair-brushing ritual, but Remus had assured him it was for the greater good.) In the hall they ran into Tonks.
"Remus! Good morning!" she chirped, smiling brightly and thoroughly ignoring Sirius.
"Tonks," Remus said shortly by way of greeting.
"How are you?" she pressed on as the two men kept walking.
"A bit tired," Remus admitted. "It was a somewhat, er, rough night." He paused and shot a meaningful glance at Sirius.
"I didn't sleep too well either," Sirius offered, black eyes glinting. Tonks looked at him in surprise, as if she hadn't seen him at all. "I kept telling Remus to try and, ah, keep it down, but…" He shrugged.
Tonks looked as if she wasn't quite sure why Sirius was talking. "I see," she replied, in a tone that made it clear that she saw nothing at all.
"We're going to go get some breakfast," Remus announced, grabbing Sirius' hand and pulling him toward the kitchen.
"Oh, I'll come!" Tonks turned around and brushed up against Remus.
The kitchen was empty but for a lingering smell of eggs and toast. "Mmm," Remus inhaled the scent. "I think I'd like some… sausage. What do you think, Sirius?"
"Oooh, I just love sausage," he responded enthusiastically, giving Remus a rather obvious once-over.
"A nice… big… sausage," Remus affirmed.
"D'you want me to make you some breakfast, Remus?" Tonks asked in what was perhaps meant to be a seductive tone of voice, laying a hand on his shoulder and attempting to divert his attention from Sirius.
"Oh," Remus started a bit, as if noticing her for the first time. He slipped a hand around Sirius' waist and pulled him close. "Yes, excellent. I'd like eggs and toast."
"I thought you said you wanted sausage."
"I certainly do," Remus said breezily, staring at Sirius, who smirked back.
"Er, okay, eggs and toast and sausage, then," said Tonks happily.
As she puttered about, Remus put his mouth by Sirius' ear. "How thick can she possibly be? Do I need to ravish you right here to make my point? – Not that I'd mind," he added, "But I do think that might be a bit extreme. I'd rather not scar her unnecessarily."
"You could just tell her, you know," Sirius suggested. "With words."
Remus blinked. "Did you just make a logical point?"
Sirius just blushed.
Sighing, Remus slid onto Sirius' lap. "Oi, Tonks!"
"Yes, Remus?" she whipped around and threw herself breathlessly at his feet.
"Oh, Remus, that's wonderful," she exclaimed as she stroked his hair. (What am I? Remus wondered. Her pet guinea pig?) "I'm feeling quite happy myself!"
"No, Tonks – gay as in–"
"Oh, no, the toast!" Tonks flung herself back across the room to where the toast was merrily blazing away.
Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius shook his head and kissed him. On the mouth. With tongue. Next thing Remus knew he was flat on his back on the kitchen table with Sirius pressed on top of him, and this was certainly not the place for this, their hands got tangled in each other's hair, but Harry could walk in at any moment, and he could feel his skin burning where it touched Sirius', and he –
"Here you go, Remus! …Remus? Um, what are you doing?"
Remus disengaged from Sirius long enough to reply, "I'm snogging Sirius. Honestly, Tonks, what does it look like?"
"…Oh. But – Remus, why are you snogging Sirius?"
Sirius whined as Remus turned and sat up. "I'm snogging him, Tonks, because I've been in love with him since I was sixteen and because he is my boyfriend and life partner."
Tonks blinked several times, opened her mouth and then closed it again. "Oh. I see." This time, it seemed like she really did.
Remus flashed her a dazzling smile, then grabbed Sirius by the collar of his shirt and pulled him back down on top of him. The eggs and toast were forgotten.