AN: I have no idea where this came from. lol I actually think I do. In school (which is finally over XD) we had to watch this movie "Sex as God's Gift." Oh, that was fun. Like I needed to here about the STD that gives guys…well, you'll find that out later. lol It is freakin hilarious though! Now, this oneshot does not have much to do with the movie, just spurred off some of the facts I learned, and the growing number of lemon and lime content in fanfiction with characters that are considered minors. Okay, I'm going to shut up now! Anyways, I know that you'll be laughing your head off by the end of this oneshot, and enjoy!
Dedicated: To my best friend Katie, who although is not a member of fanfiction, and does not follow Naruto or any anime/manga, I am going to make her read this. And also to ino-chanlove and Ino admirer, for their birthdays! Sorry it's a few days late.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, and thankfully any STD's. lol The Queen of Random is back, baby!
Warning: Some OOCness and remember, this is a T fic, not M or K+, so be warned by what is in this chapter, such as language and sexual references (duh, it's called Sex Ed.!). Oh, and before I forget, there are many pairing references. There is really only one actual pairing in this fic though. Well, you'll see!
A giant group groan was heard throughout Konoha.
"Come on, you've been through this before! You can handle killing people, but you can't handle a discussion on sex?" A certain red-eyed ninja sighed, shifting the baby on her hip.
The Rookie Nine (minus Sasuke and plus Sai), Team Gai, Konohamaru's Team, and Hyuuga Hanabi were all crowded into the Academy to receive a lecture on Sex Ed. from none other than Yuuhi Kurenai, with little Asuma Jr. on her hip. One would ask why at this time these teenagers ranging from ages 13 to 17 would get "The Talk" now. Well, back in the Academy the boys and girls had been separated and received "The Talk," and when they were placed on the genin teams, they received an even more, well, informative talk, but with the recent growth in the percentage of teenaged kunoichi getting pregnant, the Godaime decided it was necessary for the shinobi of this age range to receive a talk. Tsunade herself assigned groups, all co-ed, and today was their turn.
"Come on, Kurenai-sensei! We all know what it is! Do we really need to hear this talk again?" Kiba asked, standing up from his seat in-between Shino and Hinata and slamming his hands down on the table in front of him.
"Yes, Kiba, I do need to discuss this with you. I am not only going to go over what sex is, but also some consequences of it, and how to avoid it."
Kiba reluctantly sat back down in his seat, grumbling. The rest of the students audibly sighed, seeing that their one chance of escape had been thwarted. Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji all muttered a "Troublesome" from their seats in the back of the room; being around each other daily made one person's habits the group's habits.
"Now, let's go over the basics…"
-One Painstakingly Long Hour Later-
Another giant group groan was heard throughout the whole of Konoha.
Kurenai placed little Asuma Jr. on the floor so he could crawl around and explore while she rubbed her temples. These are some very immature shinobi…I thought they would be able to handle this! Kurenai looked over the group of 'students.' –sigh- Why did I have to get this group?
Konohamaru's group was beet red and had their faces in their hands, even the perverted little Konohamaru. The other young one of the class, Hanabi, was taking this discussion like a true Hyuuga and was cowering underneath the desk in the fetus position with her thumb in her mouth, muttering "training, becoming heir, kicking total ass" over and over again.
Team 8 was faring pretty well. Shino was as cool and controlled as ever, probably knowing what the bugs inside of him did all the time, this wouldn't phase him in the slightest…what did? Akamaru had bolted out of the room once he had heard the term "Sex Ed." That dog was smart! Kiba was a little red, and kept glancing towards Hinata every now and then, who was currently passed out, head on the table in front of her and long hair fanned out on the table as well. What was new with this situation? Kurenai sighed, eyes diverting to another group.
Team 7 was acting just as expected. Naruto was a little pink, looking at Sakura and Hinata every now and then. Sakura was slightly pink, caught up in her own fantasy land. She didn't even bat an eyelash at the discussion. With her medical training, it held no affect on her, considering how Tsunade given her "The Talk" again. But her fantasies were more than likely X-rated, and no one wants to hear all the different things she was doing with all the different boys at once. One would question how this innocent girl would imagine these things. Growing up with perverts has a major affect on lives, and she was not exempt. Kurenai looked over to the final and newest member of Team 7. Sai looked like he had had an epiphany. His eyes were wide, bright, and held some emotion in them. He glanced at all the females in the room, himself, and then a prolonged glance at Sakura and Ino especially. Kurenai smirked to herself, she had done what Kakashi and Team 7 could not do—she had put emotion back in that Root Corps kid. Kurenai looked away satisfied to the eldest group.
Team Gai was sitting there…not effected at all! Well, it must have been a lot better than when Gai had given it to them again. Kurenai shivered. Wait, Lee was mumbling something about youthfulness, love, and Sakura-chan, but that wasn't very new. Tenten was avoiding eye contact with her team, especially Neji, by inconspicuously sharpening her kunai. Neji was acting like his regular ice-cube self.
Looking away from the very talented older group, Kurenai's eyes shifted to Team 10. She felt a certain fondness for them, especially Shikamaru, for what they had done for her after Asuma's death. She looked at them as her younger brothers and sister. Ino and Chouji came to visit her frequently, but Shikamaru was always there, except for missions. He had even taken time off for when she was in labor to make sure she would be okay! He treated Asuma Jr. almost like his own child, or a younger brother, and when Kurenai was out he would often take care of him, usually with Ino and Chouji. They had all taken a liking to the child, and even the normally bored Shikamaru had a small smile on his face when in the presence of the child. Kurenai appreciated this beyond comprehension.
According to her, Team 10 was acting fairly normal after her going over the basics. Chouji was busy stuffing his face with chips, a bad habit re-enacted when he was nervous, excited, or embarrassed. Shikamaru was trying to sleep, but a pissed off Ino was preventing him from doing so. The only thing that was wrong in this picture was why would Ino be arguing with Shikamaru now? Shouldn't she be dreaming of her latest crush, or like Sakura—being with all the boys in very interesting ways…unless Shikamaru had made a sexist comment. Kurenai then shook it off as that being the case.
Kurenai clapped her hands, signaling for attention. "Alright, now that we have gone over what sex is," someone coughed in the background. "I am going to discuss what some consequences of having sex at such a young age can cause." Kiba slammed his head into the desk, just waiting for another embarrassing lecture. Kurenai saw this, and decided to be mean. "Well, Kiba, since you seem to know all the answers, why don't you tell me some consequences of sex."
Kiba looked up, glared at Kurenai, and stated the most obvious answer. "Pregnancy."
Kurenai smiled. "Thank you, Kiba. Now how about you wake up Hinata, she really needs to hear this."
Kiba glanced over to his still passed-out comrade and gently shook her. She shot up immediately, a red hue appearing on her face from passing out in the middle of the discussion. "Sorry Kurenai-sensei."
"That's alright, Hinata. Now, let's continue. Okay, so can anyone else name another consequence?" Sakura's hand shot up. Show off everyone thought at the same time, including Kurenai. "Yes, Sakura?"
"Reputation." She answered smugly, glancing back at Ino to smirk as if she had beaten her in something. Ino wrinkled her nose in disgust, and turned away, looking back to Kurenai.
"Good answer. Now, males and females have different reputations for having sex in teenage years. Males are looked at by males as this being a cool or normal thing. Females look at males as either being 'players' or that fact being hot." Hinata fainted again. Kiba sighed and shook her awake again. "Thank you, Kiba. Now, females look at females like they are sluts, whores, or sometimes they even think everyone is 'doing it' and start to 'do it' themselves." At this point, snoring was heard in the back of the room. Everyone looked over to see Shikamaru with his head on his arms sleeping, with a pissed-off Ino right next to him. Ino whacked him on the head, and Shikamaru shot up, rubbing his head and mumbling "Troublesome woman." under his breath. Before Ino could verbally inform Shikamaru about why she hates that nickname and the importance of this lecture, Kurenai sighed at the behavior of her class, and continued. "Finally, females are often looked at by males as either easy, a slut or a whore, or sexy and a good f—well, you know..." The younger teens were now all under the table in the fetus position.
Kurenai was getting very annoyed, a vein popping out on her forehead. "Students! Stop acting like babies and just listen to my damn discussion! It's not like I want to be teaching this! If those stupid whores of shinobi would stop f—ing up the whores of kunoichi, then I could be at home with Asuma Jr.! Geez, you're all worse than him!" Kurenai pointed to her child. Everyone glanced at Asuma Jr., who was crawling over to Shikamaru was an adorable smile on his face. Shikamaru picked Asuma Jr. up and placed him on his lap. Ino leaned over and tickled the child, igniting a giggle from him. Everyone except for Shikamaru, Ino, and Asuma Jr. sweat dropped.
"Ooookaaay, I'm sorry about that. Now, can I have a volunteer to say another consequence of sex?"
Ino slowly raised her hand, diverting her attention from Shikamaru and Asuma to Kurenai.
"An STD." Ino then smirked at Sakura, who crossed her arms and shrunk in her seat, glaring at the world. It appeared to be tied, Sakura 1, Ino 1.
"Yes, excellent answer. Now, I will discuss some of the more common STDs. Can anyone name one?" No one felt like raising their hand and answering, so Kurenai decided to call on someone. "Shikamaru, we haven't heard anything from you today, so why don't you answer the question."
Shikamaru looked up from Asuma Jr. and answered the question in a bored voice. "HIV."
"That's correct. Now, Shikamaru, can you name another one?"
"Um, how about another one, Shikamaru?" Everyone in the class had their gaze fixed on Shikamaru.
Shikamaru just shook off the gazes and continued, bored. "Do you want me to just name them all?" Now the entire class had an o.0 expression.
"The rest are: Chancroid, Chlamydia, Crabs, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis—which can also be caused without sexual contact—, HPV, NGU, PID, Scabies, Syphilis, Vaginitus/Trichomoniasis, and Molluscum Contagiosum."
Everyone did one of those anime falls, except for Shikamaru and Asuma Jr. of course. Asuma just laughed and clapped his hands, while Shikamaru muttered another "Troublesome."
Asuma reached out to Ino, wanting to be held by her. Ino gratefully held the child in her arms, cuddling him to her chest as he giggled and smiled.
After everyone else had recovered, Kurenai continued. "Well, um, because Shikamaru just about stated all the STDs I was about to discuss, and because I am running out of time and will need to move onto the final objective of our class, I will discuss only one of the STDs, because I am sure you have heard of many of these. Now, which one would you like to know about?"
One of the younger teens timidly raised her hand. "Yes, Moegi?"
"What's G-gonorr…hea?" Moegi's cheeks were flushed pink and her eyes downcast.
Kurenai inwardly smirked, knowing full well that she would have an interesting discussion about this one.
"NO!!!!" Both Shikamaru and Sakura jumped up in their seats, slamming their hands on the table in front of them, eyes wild. Oh, did they know what this STD causes…
"Yes, now I would appreciate it if both of you would sit down." Kurenai just smiled as both Shikamaru and Sakura reluctantly sat down in their seats.
"Alright, Moegi, how about I start with the problems females have from this STD." She stated more than questioned. "So, in females, basically the women have a problem in their uterus and they can't have kids."
Everyone in the room nodded except Sakura and Shikamaru, just waiting for the discussion on what the STD does to males. But while they pondered this, their classmates just wondered why they looked like they were dreading this. It wasn't that bad. Atleast it wasn't—
"So, now it is time to discuss what happens in males."
Shikamaru slammed his head onto the table, groaning, cheeks bright red. Sakura followed suit. Ino and Naruto poked them, wondering what had gotten into these two.
"Now, how about I do a little scenario? Alright, guys, so imagine that you are sexually active." Another cough was heard in the academy room. "So, one morning you wake up, and let's say that last night you didn't do anything. So, you try to move, and discover you can't."
Here it comes… Sakura and Shikamaru thought simultaneously.
"So, you pull the cover off yourself and look down to discover…that you have balls the size of grapefruits!!!"
Silence was heard throughout the classroom. And then the female population erupted into laughter.
"Oh, and if you were wondering, each one is the size of a grapefruit." More laughter. "And it is very painful."
The guys cringed in fear as the girls continued to laugh.
"I'm serious, now ladies, please quiet down."
Ten minutes of unceasing laughter occurred until the girls finally stopped.
"Oh, now here's the good part. So, now you can't move, and you have a mission. So what do you do, you yell for your parent or guardian. For those of you with mothers," everyone looked at Shikamaru, who just groaned and sunk his face deeper into his arms, then Kiba "just imagine how bad that would be, especially if your father was out on a mission.
"So, your parent or guardian, let's say it's your mother in this case, comes up, and you tell her that you have balls the size of grapefruit!"
Some muffled giggles were heard.
"And your mother says, 'Let me see.'"
The boys groaned as the girls fought the urge to roll on the floor laughing their behinds off.
"After your mother inspects the area, she calls for a medic nin if she is not one herself."
Now this is the part where Sakura and Shikamaru were ready to die.
"When the medic nin arrives, he/she has good and bad news. The good news is that the area will return to normal size in a few days to a few weeks. The bad news is that you have an STD, and it is either Gonorrhea or Chlamydia. So, the medic nin needs to do a test to see which one so this can be treated. He/she will need a sample, so they grab out of their bag a giant cotton swab (or Q-tip, whatever you call it). You can just imagine what they do with it."
Now everyone understood why Sakura and Shikamaru were not looking forward to this in particular, and both the boys and girls cringed in fear at the cotton swab.
"Alright, so that is the end of my discussion on the consequences of having sex during teenage years, especially about STDs. It is time to move on to the next section of my discussion: having a healthy relationship without having sexual contact with them."
The class groaned yet again, knowing that even though the STD part was bad, the worst was yet to come.
"Now, I would like to have a demonstration on how you can have a relationship with someone and not have to have sexual contact with them."
The class was silent and unmoving…until Tenten raised her hand.
"Does that mean that you are saying we should wait until marriage to have sex, and shouldn't even hug or kiss?"
"No, Tenten, what I'm saying is that you can hug and kiss, but it doesn't have to lead to sex. Now, I know that as shinobi of the Leaf we face death daily. And I know what it feels like to not want to die a virgin, or without love. It is sometimes easier to be with someone and not be married, so that if your partner dies, you can try to dull the pain by tricking yourself into thinking that you weren't married, you didn't love each other that much. I understand that, and I respect that. So I am not saying that you must wait until marriage for sex, I am saying that when you truly love someone, for both body and soul, for everything they are and are not, and are slightly older, I will say atleast 18 to 20 years old, then you can make the decision to have sex with that person or not." Kurenai wiped a few tears from her eyes, thinking of Asuma. She said a quick prayer to him.
"Okay, so now I need two volunteers, a male and a female. I don't think I need to scar these younger teens for life with some yaoi or yuri action. Now, any volunteers?"
It was just as expected, nobody moved an inch, and all stared at Kurenai like she was crazy.
Oh shit, who am I going to choose for this demonstration? The jounin thought to herself. Alright, so I can't choose people that are already in a relationship. So that just about removes…no one. Hmm, well I'm not going to use the younger children. That removes four. Okay, think, Kurenai, think. Time to pick at random. Kurenai's eyes scanned over the room to pick her victims. She then spotted Team Gai. Well, I could choose the Hyuuga boy and Tenten, they seem close. But, I don't think I want to get on their bad sides. –shivers- And no way am I going to force a girl to do anything with Lee! Alright, so now that removes seven in total, basically the Rookie Nine is left.
Everyone stared at Kurenai, awaiting her verdict on who would be her victims, and basically embarrass themselves in front of everyone. And seeing who was in this group, they would never live it down with those big mouths Naruto, Kiba, Sakura, and Ino.
Kurenai looked over to her own team, Team 8. Alright, so no way am I going to force a girl to kiss Shino, not with all those bugs. –shivers- And Kiba is a pervert, and I have no clue as to what he would do to the girl. I couldn't force this on Hinata-chan…everyone knows how she gets!
Kurenai scanned over to Team 7. Okay, I don't think it is safe to use Sakura. With her training under Tsunade-sama, there's no telling what she would do. And Naruto is just a little too hyper. The poor girl paired with him wouldn't stand a chance. Hmm, what about Sai? He has no emotions? Or, well, did. He's just too unpredictable. I can't choose him! Ugh, as Shikamaru would say, this is turning into such a drag. It then hit Kurenai who she would pick. Her red eyes scanned over to the table where Team 10 was sitting.
Shikamaru dropped his head onto the table, sighing and mumbling an almost inaudible "Troublesome" before feigning sleep, hoping to avoid the situation. Ino poked him in the side.
"Shikamaru, sit up! Kurenai-sensei is looking at us! You're making us noticeable, and I'm not demonstrating anything in a Sex Ed. class!"
Sometimes it just sucks to sit next to a loudmouth like Ino. And she said I was drawing attention. Does that girl ever shut up?
"Alright, since no one decided to volunteer for my little demonstration, I have decided to choose at random two people. Shikamaru, Ino, please step up to the front of the class."
Sakura looked over her shoulder to Ino, smirking. Ino's eyes were cast down now, a pink tinge to her cheeks, glaring at her folded hands in her lap. Sakura 2, Ino 1. Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji were smirking at a slightly pink Shikamaru, who uttered yet another "Troublesome" before standing up, heading down front and center next to Kurenai with his regular lazy walk, Ino forcing herself to stand tall and proud like a true Yamanaka and following Shikamaru with Asuma Jr. in her arms, standing right next to him and glaring defiantly back at Sakura. Sakura glared back, surprised by the sudden change. Sakura 2, Ino 2.
Ino set the baby down at her feet, letting the previously squirming child out of her arms. He was obviously getting tired of being held, even if it was by his favorite people. Babies like to crawl, and that's what he was going to do!
Standing next to each other and watching as Asuma Jr. crawled around the room, Shikamaru and Ino waited for the instructions for the demonstration.
"Alright, so I know this may be embarrassing, but I need you two to do something that will teach the class that you can be in a relationship with hugging and kissing and stuff, but stopping there before it leads to sex."
"Troublesome, Kurenai-sensei, can you just tell us what we have to do so we can get it over with?" Shikamaru asked, a slight pink tinge on his cheeks. Ino nodded in agreement, her face the same color as his at the moment.
"Alright, so what I want you to do right now is something most couples do: kiss each other."
"What?!" And if you thought Hinata was red when she was around Naruto, you haven't seen anything yet compared to the color of Shikamaru and Ino's faces. It was beyond crimson.
"I said, kiss each other."
Kiba and Naruto had goofy grins on their faces. Sakura turned around in her seat, which was right in front of Chouji, and gave him a high five. They were all snickering.
"So, get to it! Just a simple kiss, it doesn't even have to last that long, just about ten seconds so the class can see it."
Ino wobbled on her feet, and Shikamaru lifted an arm to steady her, which caused more snickering from the class and Shikamaru and Ino to get even redder, if that was humanly possible.
Ino and Shikamaru turned to each other, fear and embarrassment written across both their faces. Shikamaru, being taller than Ino by a few inches, placed a hand on her shoulder and leaned down. Ino placed a hand on the side of his face, and tilted her face up to meet his. Both Ino and Shikamaru felt electricity course throughout their entire bodies at the slightest touch of their lips. Their eyes fluttered shut automatically, and their grips on each other tightened.
Kurenai turned away from the young couple to look at the class. "See, it is possible to kiss someone and not have it lead to sex!" Kurenai was smiling, looking at the class, whose expressions changed from curiosity to astonishment. "Yes, class, you all thought I was wrong, but I'm not! Ino and Shikamaru are living proof!"
Sakura stood up from her seat, eyes as wide as the rest of the class's. "Um, Kurenai-sensei, you may want to look behind you."
The sight that met her eyes was surely one that she thought she would never see.
Shikamaru had wrapped one arm around Ino's waist, the other tangled in her long hair. Ino's arms had snuck their way around Shikamaru's neck, and had somehow removed the elastic from his hair, her hands buried in the dark strands. Their bodies were tightly pressed against one another's, and their kiss was fiery and passionate-looking to Kurenai—and the rest of the class's—eyes.
Kurenai's mouth opened and closed, her visage betraying how dumbfounded she was. But the initial shock wore away as she thought of all the signs Shikamaru and Ino had displayed over the years towards liking each other. The attraction between them was very obvious, and oh, what an amount of sexual tension there must have been between them. Damn, I'm really dense sometimes. Kurenai thought to herself. It didn't even phase Kurenai when she saw Shikamaru and Ino fall to the floor, their lips still attached. She didn't even bat an eyelash at the sight of Shikamaru groping Ino in areas that are not appropriate for children to witness. Kurenai just thought of how this fit. She turned away from the couple to the class, then realized what was going on.
All the shinobi, both male and female, genin, chunin, or even jounin, stared at the young couple rolling on the floor looking like they were about to start shedding clothes soon.
Kurenai sighed, glancing back to the pair on the floor, and then glancing back to the rest of the class, who were absorbed in the scene. She then whistled, grabbing the attention of all but, of course, Ino and Shikamaru.
"And that, students, is what leads to," Kurenai then lifted little Asuma Jr. who had been crawling towards her, showing him to the class, "this."
AN: I've always wanted to put "Owari" at the end of one of my fics. lol So how did you like it? Are you ROFLMAO yet? Anyways, not much else to say, except that I hope you enjoyed, especially the two birthday girls! lol Thanks for reading and please review! I am quite proud of this work of ShikaIno fanfiction! I think this is my longest ever! Over 4,000 words, I'm so proud of myself!