The non-adventures of Ark

The non-adventures of Ark

Episode 3: Elbobo Never Dies

Scene 1:

(Snowy mountains)

(Ark is looking around the snow. He has a large backpack and skis on. His communicator starts to ring)

Ark: Hello? Hello? Stupid person, he's got his finger on the send button.

Cojiro: No I haven't you… anyway. Have you found the Democratic Allies Informative Silver yet?

Ark: Geez, I'm trying okay!

Cojiro: Lousy, stupid…

Ark: Gah! This idiot couldn't do anything without me! Who is he, anyway?

(Ark saw something glitter in the snow)

Ark: Aha! (He holds it aloft. The Zelda 'finding an item' music plays) What the… what was that?

(He looks behind him. Link is there)

Ark: Link! What are you doing here?

Link: Oh Ark, won't you join my adventures… we'll have ever so much… fun…

Run Ark! It's a trap! Aghh!

(He gets shot)

Ark: Wheeaaghh! (Skis away. Men on skis follow him down the hill)

(The communicator buzzed loudly)

Ark: Yello?

Cojiro: Ark, could you pick me up some pizza on the way. Let's see, pepperoni, ham, bacon, everything except that fish everyone leaves off Pizzas… you know the ones, Ark?

Ark: Cojiro! Help! They're following me down a hill and.. aggh! They have guns!

Cojiro: Well that's just perfect. All you ever think about is you, you, you, running around using your tiny brain in a vague attempt to fathom what's going on…

Ark: What the? Aha! I have a cunning idea. Almost too good to be true…

(He sees a large drop in-front of him. He skis towards it)

Man on skis: STOP! He'll never make it down alive!

(Ark jumps off the cliff. He falls for a while, then pulls a cord which opens a parachute with the British flag on. He glides safely down)

Title Song:

Enter song here

Scene 2

(Cojiro's house)

Cojiro: So, you got it then, did ya, did ya?

Ark: Yes! Now will you stop impersonating a 1920's chimney sweep?

Cojiro: Ahem. Sorry. So you got the silver, then?

Ark: Yes indeedy.

(Long silence)

Ark: Right. But this appears to be only half the silver. Can you explain what's going on?

Cojiro: Well, you see… I store Britains supply of silver and gold at my house, and…

Ark: Why?

Cojiro: Umm… it's because… I'm the Prime Minister. Anyway, all the silver got stolen, and none of the gold. This left me wondering why someone would steal the (Ag) but not the (Au).

Ark: I see. Wait a minute… Ag and Au… that almost sounds like Elbobo!

Cojiro: Now I must honestly say that is the weakest link I have ever seen. It's pitiful. Who writes this, anyways?

(Ark and Cojiro look around, suspiciously)

Ark: I propose we go to the 'Expensive Hotel' in California, where Elbobo is currently staying.

Cojiro: Great! We can take the new BMW!

Ark: !

Cojiro: I wish I could say that, but I can't. Let's go talk to Will.

Scene 3

(Will's hut)

Will: SOOOOO! It appears once again, my assistance is needed so you can build your flying machine…!

Ark: Umm.. no, that was you.

Will: …here is the ignition keys, take the silver one over there. My pilot Billy-Bob will fly you over to California.

Billy-Bob: Hi everybody!

Cojiro + Ark: Hi Billy-Bob.

Scene 4

(Inside plane)

Cojiro: This film… it's so sad…

Ark: What is it?

Cojiro: It's called 'The cat that never moves'. He just sits there… blinking…

Ark: Right. I'm going to go and see what the pilot is up to. I'm naturally curious, see.

(Ark enters pilots cabin and sees that there is no-one there)


Cojiro: Why are you rehrerghhigh'ing? What's up?

Ark: There's no pilot, and we're steadily heading towards that cliff!

Ark + Cojiro: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(Ark and Cojiro draw a deep breath)

Ark + Cojiro: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ark: With the screaming out of the way, let's pull back on this stick to make the plane increase in altitude.

Cojiro: Good idea.

(The plane safely makes it over the cliff)

Scene 5

(Ark + Cojiro arrive at 'The Expensive Hotel' in California)

Ark: Hi! Can you tell us where our good friend ElBobo is?

Woman at desk: Damn! It pains me that I am going to reveal ElBobo's secret hideout!

He's in lab 1F. Uh, I mean room 1F. Ha ha.

Ark: Right! Let's go! I'll stay in your room, Cojiro my main man.

Scene 6:

(Hotel sun deck/swimming pool area. ElBobo is playing cards)

Ark: I'll go over there. You walk around a bit. And act normal.

Cojiro: Couldn't do anything but.

(Ark sits down near ElBobo)

ElBobo: Er, could I have my usual seat?

SparroHawc: Sure. That can't possibly help you in any way. Even though you've beaten me every day.

ElBobo: What's the game?

SparroHawc: Five-card straight twist poker.

ElBobo: Fine by me.

(Ark looks on)

Strange Man: Hello. In France, October's a winter month.

Ark: True. But we're in A-M-E-R-I-C-A.

Strange man: It's me, ZedPower.

Ark: Wow! Do you have any special gadgets for me?

Zed: No. This isn't a James Bond movie, you know.

(Very, very long silence. Someone coughs.)

Ark: …

Zed: Rrrrrrright. I have your assignment from Cojiro.

(Zed hands Ark the Cojiro Letter)

Ark: Hey, Zed. Who is Cojiro anyway? I mean, he knew all about me in my first adventure, and now he constantly follows me around.

Zed: (Scared) What do you mean? Cojiro is a… er…. Look over there! (Jumps away) Hynagh!

Ark: Surreal. What! Where's ElBobo gone?

(ElBobo has left his table)

Ark: I'd better go see Cojiro.

Scene 7

(Ark enters Cojiro's room. He sees Cojiro lying on the bed covered in a blue substance)

Ark: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Cojiro: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Ark: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Cojiro: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Ark: What?

Cojiro: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Ark: Cojiro, I thought you were…

Cojiro: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!


Cojiro: W-w-w-w…. Well. Ark, I never… never. That's it. You're going on my enemy's list. (Gets out pad and writes something down) There. You're in for it now, Ark. Ha! Only kidding! Look what I really wrote! (Ark looks at the pad. It says 'I really like Ark!')

Ark: Oh God.

Cojiro: Now, let's have a good old screeching contest! Aghhhh!

Ark: Just hold it there. I got you're letter from Zed, but I haven't read it yet, so…

Cojiro: JUMP!

(Ark and Cojiro jump out of the room)

Ark: Well… that was interesting.

(Room blows up)

Ark: Cojiro! You saved my life! I owe you… wait… there was something I wanted to ask you… aha! Who the hell are you?

Cojiro: Alas, I knew this day would come… I won't lengthen this out, I'll just tell you straight away. It was 1966, when England were winning the world cup…

(Room blows up again)

Cojiro: (not seeing the room blow up) …was in my infancy, and you would think that a baby wouldn't have to dance with a racoon…

(Room explodes viciously)

Cojiro: (still not seeing the room explode) …seriously though, I like the English Patient. Very dull and very complex and very, very boring. It was my kind of film. I liked the piano too. Did you see Harvey Cortell running around in the nip? Ark? Ark?

(Ark is lying unconscious)

Cojiro: Oh crumbcakes.

Scene 8

(In England)

Ark: Wh-where am I?

Cojiro: You're in a hospital in the place you call London.

Ark: What do you call it?

Cojiro: New Snodberry County.

Ark: Gee… I must have been asleep for 7 years. Why are we in England?

Cojiro: While you were asleep, we found out that ElBobo was running his crime syndicate over here, trying to steal… a certain amount of goods.

Ark: What was he stealing?

Cojiro: No time for that! Let's go!

Scene 9

(ElBobo's hideout)

ElBobo: Well, now we have this Democratic Allies Informative Silver, we can go to this Cojiro's house and take the rest. Then we can build our Miscellaneous Machine!

Marti the cohort: What does it do sir?

ElBobo: Shut up! (shoots Marti)

Marti: Oh… I'm in quite a lot of pain…

(ElBobo shoots Marti again)

Marti: Ow! Please could you get me some medical assistance right now…

(ElBobo shoots Marti again)

Marti: I'm okay… I just need urgent medical attention… if you will just press this button on my phone, I will… auag!!!!!!!!!

ElBobo: Finally. Now! To Cojiro's house!


Batman style music accompanies a spinning picture of Cojiro and Ark


Scene 10

(Cojiro's house)

Ark: What do we do.

Cojiro: We sit. And wait. Here have a sweet.

(Cojiro threw Ark the Explosive sweet)

Ark: Hey, this may come in handy if a certain situation arises.

Cojiro: Ark, what kind of a completely ludicrous situation would require some explosive candy?

Ark: Yeah, you're right.

(Throws candy away)

Cojiro: Anyway, Lisa says to me she says…

(Knock at the door)

Cojiro: Who is it?

Voice: It's… umm… Cherubae.

Ark: That doesn't sound like Cherubae. I'd better blow the door off with one of my time bombs.

(Ark blows up door)

Cherubae: Auag! Why! I just wanted to give you… this…

Ark: What's this? An s. bulb! Get with the times, baby!

(There is a very, very long silence. Tumbleweed blows by them. More silence. Someone coughs)

Ark: Right. Let's go back inside.

(They go inside. Immediately, there is a knock at the k-door)

Cojiro: Who is it?

Voice: ElBobo. Damn! I mean, uh! The breakfast man!

Ark: Ooh! Breakfast!

(Ark opens the door)

ElBobo: Hynagh! Fooled you!

(ElBobo punches Ark)

Cojiro: It's down to me…

Cojiro cast silence, level 17

ElBobo: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ElBobo is frozen solid)

Cojiro: I don't know why I never did that in the first place.

(Ark regained consciousness)

Ark: Weehee! I did it!

Cojiro: Ark, you…

Ark: In your face you stupid ElBobo! You'll never bother anyone again!

Cojiro: And that's the end of that chapter.

Scene 11

(Ark's house)

Cojiro: So, Ark, did you learn anything today?

Ark: Yeah, the breakfast man is a loser!

Cojiro: Well, that isn't quite… oh well.

Ark: Oh yeah! I never read that letter ZedPower gave to me!

(Ark got out Cojiro Letter)

Ark: Oh no… oh no… oh no!

Cojiro: What does it say!

Ark: It says that ElBobo has a brother!

Cojiro: gasp Who?

Ark: His name is…. Terranigma Freak!

Both: Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!


Ark and Cojiro will return in 'The Freakening'!