A/N: This is the end. I am so happy I finished this, although the fact that it's over also makes me kind of sad. This is only the second fanfiction I have ever written, so I was shocked by all of the good reviews I got. I want to give a big thank you to everyone who reviewed my story. You are all my heroes. I also want to thank everyone who put this story on either their favorites or alert list ot who put me on their watch or favorites list. You are all kick ass. Also a thank you to everyone who read my story. Please, since this is the final chapter, everyone please leave a review.
Summary: After Dean left, Sam sat on his bed and reminisced in depression over everything he had lost with Dean's leaving. He chose to remember a paticular memory in which Dean told him his biggest fear was to be alone. Sam thinks that they are both alone now, when he remembers he does have someone to speak to. He pulled out Margaret's number from his wallet and spoke to her, bringing her up to speed on what had occured. Margaret listened, stopping Sam only to comfort him before giving Sam a big push, telling him to go find his brother and to resolve their issues. Sam thanks her and heads out to look for Dean with a new resolve.
Sam made his way into the bar looking for Dean. It had taken him about a half an hour to get here, so it must have been around noon. Sam had no idea where he was, so it took him some time to figure out where the bars were. There were three bars in this town. Sam had stopped at one before this one. Sam swept his eyes again and spotted Dean watching the billiard tables from the bar. Sam quickly made his way there, butterflies forming in his stomach. A nervousness that had not been there while he was searching for his brother settled deep in his being. This was the biggest defining point he had ever faced. What happened now would determine so much, and it scared Sam to think of what could happen. Shaking the thoughts from his head, Sam closed the distance between himself and Dean and opened his mouth to speak, his throat suddenly dry again.
"Dean" Sam managed to say in a quiet voice. Dean stiffened noticeably before turning around slowly. When Dean's eyes focused on Sam, he seemed at a loss for words.
"Sammy…" was all Dean could say. Sam himself felt unable to form words. It felt uncomfortable, to say the least, to be with Dean. The air around them felt heavy, like it was weighing them down and making this more difficult. Sam did the only thing he thought he could do. He tried to convey everything he felt for Dean in a small gesture. Leaning down, he pressed his lips to Dean's in a chaste kiss. Pulling away just as fast, he saw Dean's eyes cloud over with an emotion he could not discern. Looking around, Sam realized where they were and tried to see if anyone had any problem with what he had just done. Not that he cared, but he needed to speak with Dean without interruptions. Luckily no one seemed to have noticed. Breathing a sigh of relief, Sam sat down in the seat beside Dean, wondering where to go from here.
"I found you. I've been looking for you for about a half an hour" Sam said, feeling like he was out of place, something he had never felt around Dean. He would never admit this to Dean, because he didn't feel like being teased about it, but every time he had seen Dean in the past, it felt like he was home. It didn't matter where he really was. To him, Dean was home. But now he felt awkward and strange. Everything really had changed.
"Sam, why did you follow me?" Dean's voice sounded tired and resigned, but not angry.
"I…we need to talk" Sam stated, wondering how this conversation would go.
"We already have, Sam."
"No, we haven't. Not for real."
"I don't want to arg-" but Dean was cut off.
"Why is this always so difficult for you, Dean? Why do you always try to avoid talking?" Sam asked, hoping to lead this conversation slower than before. He needed to work through many issues, and he knew that Dean had to work through them too, but this wouldn't work if Dean didn't cooperate. He knew that he shouldn't push Dean either, but sometimes Dean needed a shove to understand what was going on.
"I'm just not built that way."
"What way? Everyone needs to talk about things or else, nothing gets fixed."
"I just…why are we talking about this? You still haven't given me a straight answer. Why the hell did you follow me?"
"I told you, we need to talk. What were you going to say right now? Before you cut off"
"What difference does it make, Sam? Honestly?" Dean's voice still sounds tired, but there's also something else now; like a small edge of anger. Sam knew that getting anger from Dean is not a good reaction, but at least he was getting something.
"Please, Dean, it makes a huge difference."
"I just…it makes me uncomfortable to seem weak. I…I take care of you and Dad. The two of you need me to be strong. You're more careful than I am, but when you throw yourself into doing something, you're like Dad. Stubborn and reckless. I…you both need me to be strong, so I am." At the end, Dean's tone sounded slightly bitter, but it changed back to the same resigned tone he had earlier.
Sam felt a knot of guilt form in his stomach. He knew Dean learned how to hide his emotions because of Dad and him, but he never knew Dean felt bitter about that. Sam pressed on, knowing he and Dean needed to talk about everything, so that he and Dean might…no, Sam was not going to let himself hope until he knew that Dean was ok.
"I never knew that was why. I'm so sorry Dean. I never knew how much Dad and I put so much pressure on you. You don't deserve that. You need to talk about things too." Dean shrugged as if not caring, and the gesture made Sam frown.
"It doesn't matter anymore. You needed an older brother," Sam noted the past tense in Dean's voice, "and Dad needs a soldier to help him against the Demon." The flippant tone that made it seem like he didn't care sent a wave of anger through Sam and he couldn't help responding a little angrily.
"Dean, that's no reason to keep things bottled up. Just because me and Dad are morons doesn't mean you have to bottle things up. You don't deserve that; no one does"
Dean opened his mouth, as if to speak, but then just shrugged again. That same flippant gesture he had done earlier just made him even angrier now. Pushing it down, Sam decided to move on to something else.
"Dean, what were you going to do?"
"What do you mean?" Dean asked, although he sounded relieved they had changed topics
"How were going to go anywhere, Dean? You left without anything. Your clothes, your belongings, your equipment, your car…"
"I know. I really wasn't thinking about the future when I left, just that…just that I needed to leave"
"You didn't have to leave, Dean. You could have stayed."
"Sam, I do. I can't…stay with you anymore."
"Why? Why can't you stay with me?"
"It's complicated, Sam"
Sam felt frustration begin to build inside him.
"Then simplify it."
"It's a lot of things Sam. It's just…you scare me"
"What?" Sam asked, completely confused. How could he scare Dean? That didn't make any sense.
Dean seemed nervous as he responded Sam's question.
"You…you're so…I don't know. Every time I'm around you, I feel so many different things. You, it terrifies me what you can make me feel. Whenever I see you hurt, all I want to do is protect you. I want to comfort you, so you feel better. I want to keep you safe from everything, so I never have to see anything happen to you. When you're happy, no matter what else may be going on, that's all I need to keep going. When you're angry, I want to calm you down so you can be happy again. When you smile, I feel lost. I feel dizzy. I feel confused. I…no matter who I'm with, no matter what girl or guy I pick up at some bar, all I can think of is you. My mind wanders back to you and whatever I may be doing with them is just a poor substitute for you. And this is what scares me the most." Dean's eyes became bright as tears began to fill his eyes. "You…you can destroy me. It's fucking terrifying. It would be so easy for you to. With a single action or whim you could make me happy, but you could also destroy me, beyond repair. Really, it just scares the hell out of me. I don't think I could take that." Dean began to look away, but Sam placed a hand under Dean's chin to force him to look at him.
Sam was startled by what Dean had just said. He hadn't realized how much of an effect he had on Dean. Dean's words echoed through his mind, filling him with multiple emotions. Love, sadness, happiness, and confusion were all things that ran through Sam's mind. He now knew the level which Dean felt about him and this filled him with so much happiness and love. He was so confused at how someone like him could affect Dean like that, and he was so sad that this scared Dean so much. Dean looked visibly shaken by what he had just revealed. His hands seemed to star fidgeting and he kept glancing at the door All of Sam's heart went out to his older brother, and all he wanted was another moment with Dean, another happy smile that lit up the room.
"Dean, I would never do anything like that to you. I couldn't think about doing that. You mean too much to me."
"So what about what you did? That did make me feel like I would break."
Sam felt the wave of guilt which had settled in his stomach flare up once again. "Dean, you have no idea how much I regret what I did, and I'm so sorry I did it. You don't deserve something like what I did to you to happen. But Dean, everything you said, it's the same for me" Sam watched as Dean looked at him incredulously, something flashing in his eyes. "Dean, I promise," Sam continued, "Everything you just said is the same fore me. You make me feel the same things you just described. You can destroy me; in the same way you think I can destroy you. And I don't think I could take you leaving like this. Dean you said you were scared. So am I. This thing, whatever it is, is terrifying to me too. I…it's scary, but I…I want to try. Try to make this work. Please, just give this a chance. I love you, I really do. If you love me too, then give me a chance. So that I can show you how sorry I am. Dean I regret what I did, but I can't take it back. The only thing I can do is tell you how truly sorry I am and show you, with my actions how much remorse I feel, but I can only do that if you let me. Please, Dean. I promise. I will never hurt you again like I did. I promise, with every breath I take I will never hurt you again. Let me show you I mean it."
Dean looks up, surprised, the first true emotion Sam's been able to get out of him since the conversation began. A single tear moved down Dean's cheek, and Sam moved his hand to wipe it away. When Dean didn't pull away, he took it as a good sign. When Sam wiped away the tear, he left his hand caressing the Dean's cheek gently.
"Dean, is that the only reason you want to leave? Just because you're scared."
Sam watched as Dean smiled without a sign of happiness. The twisted kind of smile seemed sad and resigned, like he had come to a decision he felt he would regret. Like the decisions you make because you think you're doing everyone good.
"No, it's not. I am terrified. I really am. That's not all though. I love you, Sam, I really do, and it makes me want say fuck off to everything that wants to stop me. But it's just…I don't see the point in getting into something that won't last. And after it's all over, what'll be left? I'll just end up losing another person on the short list of people I care about. I don't want to lose my little brother like that. I'd prefer to end this now, when we can still be brothers."
Sam sat stunned when he heard Dean's response. Thoughts buzzed through his head as he stared at Dean.
'What does he mean? We don't have a future? Why would he even think that?'
Sam felt so paralyzed he couldn't even stop Dean as he stood up and make his way out of the bar. Quickly coming to his senses, Sam stood up and ran after Dean. He saw Dean begin to walk away, seemingly lost, and just walking in a random direction. Sam sped up to get try and stop Dean.
"Dean, wait!" Sam pleaded, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder. When Dean turned around, Sam was surprised to see Dean quickly wipe away another tear that had begun to make it's way down his face.
"Sam, please, make this easier and just let me leave."
"Why do you think we couldn't have a future? Dean, you don't know that."
"Yes I do. At the end of all this, we'll end up destroyed too."
"What makes you think that?"
"You're really stupid when it comes to the future, aren't you Sam? Sam, tell me, what will you do once this is all over? You'll go back to college, right? I'm happy for you, really, I am. You have this bright future ahead of you, Sam. When you leave hunting, you'll go back to college and you can become someone. A lawyer, or a judge, or whatever it is you get the urge to become."
"What does that have to do with us? Our relationship I mean." Sam needed to know
"Sam, I can't do that. I don't have a bright future like you do. I can't just leave hunting and go have a normal life. I would never be able to do it. I can't survive as anything else. What could I do, a high school drop out, who has no real skills or job experience anyone could know about? I'm a hunter. Hunter's are always gonna be trapped as a barrier between the darkness and the light. I'm no exception. That's all there is to it. Our futures are way too different. I'm stuck hunting and you, well, you've always wanted to have a normal life. I can't have that. I could never live like that, living a normal life while other's that I could've protected die. I'm going to hunt until either I die or I can't anymore. And once I can't, then my job will switch to teacher, showing the new generation of hunters how to handle themselves. I don't want you to stay with me and then resent me later on. And I don't want to stay with you and then have to leave at the end of all of this. But either way, I end up losing you. That's why I want to leave. So that I can continue hunting, alone," Dean shuddered slightly at the word, "and so that I can keep being your brother, even if I want more."
Sam stared at his brother dumbly for a moment before beginning to whisper.
"Dean, how stupid do you have to be?"
"What?" Dean looked up confused
"When you still couldn't remember everything you told me, "Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to me?" Why can't you take your own advice? Why can't you just let yourself be happy? Let us be happy…together. Dean the future is something that hasn't happened. Whatever might happen can't be decided by us. Any of the decisions that we make today, tomorrow, a week from now could change whatever it is that will happen. We can't control that, or really say what will happen. Dean, just give this a chance. That's all I'm asking."
"But after it's all over…"Dean began, but Sam interrupted him.
"Dean, I can't promise you that this will be easy. People will be closed minded about this, and I can't see Dad being very excited about this either. I can promise you this, though. I will never leave your side. Dean, you're right, I've always wanted a normal life," Sam watched as sadness flashed through Dean's eyes. "But I want you…no I want us more. Dean, please, I know I made a mistake, but I want to show you how much you mean to me. All I'm asking is for a chance. A chance to show you everything you mean to me, a chance so I can promise I will never hurt you again. Please, Dean. You're afraid to be alone. So am I. Neither of us has to be alone though, if you just give this a chance. I love you, Dean. If you want to disagree with anything else, that's fine, but I love you, no matter what. Never doubt that." Sam watched as Dean looked up, the tears in his eyes beginning to cascade over his cheeks. Sam paused for a moment to move his hand up to wipe them away. "Hey, don't cry, Dean. I hate it when you do." Dean didn't respond, instead choosing to hug Sam tightly. Sam was startled for a moment, before responding in the same way, wrapping his arms around his older brother and hugging him tight. Sam heard Dean begin to say something in a broken, choppy voice.
"Not once…I didn't think I could really leave. I thought that leaving would be best, but I didn't think I could actually go through with it. I don't know where I actually go the nerve to leave. I think I was just desperate to get away"
Sam pressed a kiss to the crown of Dean's head before responding "Dean, I'm so sorry…" but Dean cut him off.
"Stop saying that. I know you mean it. That's enough. It's enough for me, anyway."
Sam smiled as he held his brother a little tighter at those words. His heart swelled at the thought that Dean had forgiven him. They stayed in each other's arms, Sam swaying them gently from time to time, in an attempt to calm Dean down. After a few minutes of gentle movements, Sam heard Dean calm down and stop crying. He was content to stay like this, in the calm, but Sam needed to know something.
"Dean…does this…does this mean we're…together?" Sam closed his eyes and hoped, prayed with all his heart he was right.
"Yeah, I guess it does." Dean said, pulling away to give Sam a smile. When Sam saw that smile he melted. He had been so afraid he would never see Dean's smile ever again and he couldn't help returning him a huge grin. For a moment, they stayed like that, smiling at each other, before Sam began to lean in for a kiss. Dean began to rise, too and his lips met Sam's halfway. The kiss was simple and light, but it felt incredible to Sam. After another moment, they pulled away.
"Get a room, you fags!!"
Both Sam and Dean jumped in surprise from the scream. A car passed by, a man inside who seemed to be enraged and scandalized. Sam glared at the car as it passed by, seeming to try and figure out how to catch the car and beat the man inside bloody. Sam had almost come up with a plan when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw Dean shake his head no with a small smile on his face.
"Down, boy" Dean said, the small joke hanging in the air. Sam cracked a smile when he saw Dean's attempt at humor in the situation and he couldn't help letting out a laugh. Dean began to laugh too, and soon they began to laugh harder and harder. Sam began to turn red in the face as he couldn't get enough air and Dean actually began to cry from the laughing. After a while the laughing began to die down, but every time they caught each other's eye, they could not help but let out a small chuckle.
"I guess kissing you in public wasn't the greatest idea, was it?" Sam asked, still smiling at Dean. He couldn't stay mad, not when Dean was in such a good mood.
"No, I don't think it was. It would be best if we avoid, you know, showing this to everyone. Act normal when we're in public."
"Yeah, I think that's probably the best thing to do. Besides, that just makes everything better when I have you all to myself." Sam said the last part in a low whisper, his voice almost a growl
"Keeping this a secret will probably just make things more interesting anyway. Although, it would be just as easy to say fuck off to everyone who annoys us. Speaking of having me all to yourself, we should probably go back to the room." Dean said the final part with a slight suggestive air, and Sam couldn't help grinning.
"Sure, I think we should go back. We can have some alone time. We aren't leaving for a while anyway."
"Exactly my thoughts" Dean said, beginning to head toward the car.
Sam began to walk beside Dean, when a thought suddenly struck him. It was dumb, but he had to make sure Dean understood what he was getting into.
"You know I'm possessive, right?" Sam asked
"What?" Dean responded sounding slightly amused
"Me. I'm giving you fair warning now. I have a big jealousy streak. Just thought you ought to know"
"I know you do. I remember from when you told me I was yours and that you were mine. Don't worry about it. It's kind of cute and sweet." When Sam stifled a laugh, Dean frowned slightly. "Sammy, don't you dare tell anyone I said that."
"I would never dream it, Dean" Sam said, although he couldn't help laughing a little again.
Sam passed Dean the keys to the Impala and got into the passenger seat of the car. Dean got in too, but he made no move to turn on the car. Sam was about to ask him why he was just sitting there, but before he could Dean began to speak.
"I've already told you I have trouble with emotions."
"What?" Sam asked, confused
"Me. You said you were warning me about your jealousy. I'm giving you fair warning too. I can't really handle my feelings very well, so if something's bugging me, I might not tell you until I can't take it anymore. I'll try the best I can to tell you, but it's like…I don't know. Sam do you remember when we were younger and Dad made us memorize some words in Latin? Remember how hard it was to speak in the beginning? How difficult it was to learn? That's how I feel when I'm trying to say something when it comes to emotions. I'll try to share with you, but I hate chick flick moments, so don't always count on it." Dean had added the last bit as a joke to lighten the mood, but his tone remained deadly serious. Sam smiled and moved his hand to briefly, but firmly grasp Dean's shoulder.
"That's fine. I couldn't ask you for anything more. This is years of conditioning and I can't expect it to stop overnight. I'll try to keep my jealousy in check too, but it won't be easy for me at first. Now, let's go to the motel and have some fun" Sam smiled at Dean and Dean began to smirk as he turned on the car and drove to the motel room.
Sam closed the door behind him as quickly as he could, locking the door so as not to be disturbed. Before he had even fully turned around, Dean was already there, his lips on Sam's. Their kiss quickly escalated in passion, and Sam tasted his brother's unique taste once again. Sam pushed Dean back toward a bed, removing his jacket on the way. Sam felt Dean do the same, and he continued pushing Dean slowly backward. When they had reached the edge, Sam pushed Dean slowly onto the bed, following him down, and never breaking the kiss. Sam felt Dean's hands begin to roam, moving under his shirt and exploring his torso. He followed the suit, pushing Dean's shirt up slowly while feeling his brother's skin. Sam reluctantly broke the kiss both to get some air and to remove his shirt. Once his shirt had been removed he moved away slightly to give Dean room to remove his own. The moment his brother had removed his shirt, Sam moved down again, attacking Dean's neck. Dean moaned as Sam began to move down his neck, leaving more marks to join those he had made the last time. Dean began to tremble in anticipation as Sam moved his hands down Dean's body to undo his jeans. With deft fingers, he undid Dean's jeans, but made no move to remove them, instead choosing to torture his brother a little longer. Sam began to slowly kiss down Dean's chest, he felt Dean wrap his arms around him, clawing slightly at his back. As Sam bit down again, he heard Dean groan something.
"Oh, god, Sammy, please…"
Sam looked up at Dean's flushed face and smirked.
"Please, what?" Sam asked, his voice a low, husky whisper.
"Please, just hurry up and fuck me already" Dean pleaded, too deep in pleasure to care. Sam growled his approval and he began to move down Dean's body again, earning more whimpers from Dean.
"You know, you don't seem to mind giving me control, Dean" Sam said, as he continued to kiss down, leaving a bit now and then as he listened to Dean whine.
"Wouldn't do it for anyone else, but you, Sammy" Dean panted in between whimpers and whines.
Sam removed Dean's jeans, but left his underwear on. As much as Dean turned him on, Sam still wanted to torture him just a little more. Moving his hands to his own jeans, he began to undo them, wanting them off as they had become too tight for him to be comfortable. After fumbling for a few seconds, Sam finally managed to remove his jeans, pushing them down his legs and kicking them off. Moving back down, Sam pulled Dean into another kiss, shifting so that he was on top of Dean again. As they continued to share another passionate kiss, their erections pressed against each other's, making them both moan into each other's mouths sheer pleasure. Sam's hands began to roam Dean's body again, exploring every inch of his brother's toned torso. Sam's hands had just made their way to waistband of Dean's boxer briefs when all of a sudden a loud ringing started sounding in the room, causing both Winchester brother's to jump in surprise. After the initial surprise and after he realized it was just a phone, Sam decided to ignore it and he moved back down onto Dean. Much to his surprise, however, Dean pushed against him, in an effort to get him to move away.
"Ignore it" Sam suggested as he tried to coax Dean to stay with small kisses
Dean groaned before saying, "Sam, you know we can't. Let me up." Sam sighed loudly before moving away. Dean grabbed his jeans and looked into the pockets. After a few moments of searching, Dean extracted his cell phone. He answered it.
"Hello? This is Dean" Dean asked to whoever was on the line. Sam watched from the bed as Dean nodded without speaking for a few moments before hanging up. Dean turned around to face Sam before speaking.
"Dad's got new coordinates for us" Dean responded to Sam's questioning gaze. His voice sounded like he was regretting what he was about to say. "We gotta go, Sammy"
"Now? Are you serious?!" Sam asked, incredulous. God could their dad have had worse timing?
Dean sighed loudly before responding. "Yeah, we gotta go. Now. Get dressed Sam." Dean seemed just as reluctant as Sam, and for a moment, Sam thought that he might be able to continue this.
"Come on; let's just finish what we were doing Dean. We can leave after that." Dean didn't reply. Instead, Sam watched as Dean began to walk closer to him. Dean leaned down and placed a kiss onto Sam's lips. Sam was content for a moment before he felt a hand wrap around his hard, throbbing length under his boxers, causing his to moan into Dean's mouth. He felt the hand begin to slowly tease him, causing him to continue to groan into Dean's mouth. Sam began to buck into the hand as he felt himself get closer to completion. Then suddenly Dean pulled away, a wicked smile on his face.
"That should hold you over until we stop later on"
"Are you joking?!" Sam exclaimed, unable to believe what Dean had just done.
"No, I'm dead serious, now get dressed" Sam watched in sheer disbelief as Dean began to get dressed. Sam began to pout as he began to put on his clothes. When Dean turned around, he laughed.
"Oh, quit pouting" Dean said, now fully dressed and laughing while he said it.
"But, it's not fair…" Sam said, trying to make puppy dog eyes as Dean while he finished putting on his clothes.
"Hey, no fair pulling your puppy eyes. You know damn well that I can't tell you no when you do that."
"So, does that mean we should stop?"
"No, Sam, that means that when we stop, I swear I'll make it worth your while." Dean said, waggling his eyebrows and causing the both of them to laugh.
"Alright, alright, but I'm holding you to your promise." Sam grumbled in slight annoyance as they grabbed their things. Smiling they both began to head down to the front desk to check out. As they walked out toward the Impala after checking out, thoughts began to swim through Sam's mind.
'I…God, I feel so happy. This…I don't care what anyone says, it feels right. So long as I can make Dean happy, that's all I care about. And he's happy with me! I feel like I'm going to burst. God, I can't wait until we stop. Then I'll show him what happens to teasing bastards.'
"Sam? You ok? You've been staring into space for awhile now"
"Yeah, Dean, I'm fine. I'm just thinking."
"About me?" Dean teased
"About what I'll do to you. Now drive. The sooner we get there the sooner we can continue."
"Yes, sir" Dean smirked as he began to head out of the parking lot. Sam watched Dean drive and one thought passed through his mind.
'God, he is so beautiful. And all mine. I'm so lucky. Heh, I guess wishes do come true.'
With this final thought, Sam settled into the seat and began to watch the scenery pass. Sam knew their relationship would not be easy, but he didn't care. He had already gotten his wish. If he had Dean beside him, that's all that mattered. That's all he cared about.