This was requested by azurebreeze, and I'm quite sure it's not at all what she'd imagined it to be... :P My apologies!
Warning: HUGE amounts of crack. May cause crack overdose. Discretion advised. The author and her beta accept no responsibility for any side effects caused by reading this fanfic. :P
10 Ways to Capture a Murderer's Heart (and stay alive in the process)
Guideline #1: Catch him in the act.
Mihari Kira was walking down the corridors like any normal day, when a sudden ear-piercing scream shattered the calm silence.
"Ow..." She rubbed her ears, wondering who in the entire school possessed such an unearthly voice.
She was just about to walk off, when another bloodcurdling scream destroyed her what was left of her already-fragile eardrums.
"Don't these people have anything better to do?" She grumbled, stalking off in the direction of the screams. "Just you wait – you won't be able to scream by the time I'm done with you, even if you wanted to."
She turned the corner, and met what was quite frankly the most terrifying sight of her life.
A corridor littered with bodies (dead, or so she assumed), and at the other end, the…
Guideline #2: Blatantly accuse him of being the most cold-blooded serial killer in history.
"Murderer…" She repeated more softly. "You… you murdered them…"
The lab-coated figure at the other end rose to his feet. He had apparently been checking on his victims. Probably making sure that he didn't leave behind any evidence… Well, he could just kiss that idea goodbye, because she had witnessed it and she was not in the least bit afraid to testify against him in court.
She stuck out her chin defiantly. "Murderer! You will pay for this!"
The killer seemed not the least bit cowed by her threats (although she supposed that if he had been frightened, he would probably go down as the most spineless person in history to ever commit a massacre).
"Ii data…" His glasses glinted evilly at her. (Some kind of fright-inducing device? Or a mask to disguise his identity? She didn't know.) "Would you like to try this health-boosting juice too?"
Guideline #3: Run away before he kills you too.
She snuck a quick glance around, and noticed that most, if not all of the victims had died while holding their throat. So either he had strangled them, or given them some kind of poison… such as a certain juice...
She promptly decided that she did not want to be another statistic in his death-notebook or whatever it was he recorded his murder achievements in.
So she turned and ran.
Inui blinked at her rapidly retreating form. "I suppose that's a no…?"
Guideline #4: Try to get rid off the creepy stalker you have acquired.
All throughout the day, she kept looking warily over her shoulder. Something, or someone, was following her. She was sure of it.
She remembered the murderer, and shivered involuntarily. It couldn't be him… could it?
She looked back once, twice, and satisfied that there was nothing behind her, walked off.
But she did not check the cupboard, where a pair of crafty glasses watched her with peculiar interest.
"Ii data…" Inui murmured, his pencil flying over the page.
"HA! Caught you!" The voice made him jump, and he nearly collapsed in relief when he saw that it was just Eiji catching mosquitoes outside the window next to his cupboard.
Really… stalking a girl isn't good for my nerves…
Guideline #5: If you are cornered by the murderer (the probability being 99.9), try to reason with him – or occupy his mind – no matter how psychotic he is.
Kira became increasingly nervous as the days passed. Something bad was going to happen. She could feel it in her bones.
Sure enough, the day came.
The killer had finally caught up with her and cornered her in this forsaken classroom.
She watched as he emerged out of the shadows (he seemed to enjoy spooking people for some reason), and deciding that she could not bear to stay quiet for a moment longer, she burst out, "What did you do with the bodies the other day?"
Shucks. Why on earth did she say that? Now she sounded like some kind of demented and perverted person who wanted to learn the trade. Ughh!
The murderer appeared to be stumped. "What bodies?"
Her eyes nearly popped out. "All those people you murdered at that corridor that day?! Don't tell me you've forgotten them?!" She was incensed. "Even if you had to kill them, at least remember them!"
"Remember?" Inui gave her what she assumed was a blank stare, since she couldn't see past his glasses. "Remember who?"
Guideline #6: If you are trapped in a room with a murderer, scream bloody murder – the louder the better.
Kira was positively irritated. Not only had she just about talked herself dry, the killer was taking note of everything she said, and scribbling it down. That was just plain…
He could be psychoanalyzing her, and she wouldn't even be able to do anything about it. And she couldn't stand being unnerved.
Finally, she decided that the only way to stop him from writing in that green notebook of his was to stop talking. So she did just that.
Even the silence unnerved her. Gosh, what was wrong with her?
So she did the next best thing.
Guideline #7: Running should always be your FIRST resort.
Ah, he was momentarily incapacitated by her earth-shaking scream! (To be honest, she had quite nearly torn her own eardrums as well in the process.) But never mind all that. It was now or never!
She calculated the distance between her and the door, and tried to determine the best way to get past that foul scientist-cum-murderer person.
On the count of three… GO!
She fled the scene.
"Wait!" Inui called too late. Only silence answered him.
He looked down at his watch, frowning. "I just wanted to borrow her hand phone to call home. I'd use mine, but I spent all my credit on calling Tezuka."
Who kept hanging up on me…
He sighed. "So much for human kindness…"
Rubbing his ears, he walked out of the classroom. "That scream must have been over two hundred decibels…"
The ringing in his ears, however, did not stop him from jotting down that fact in his trusty notebook. It was inevitable.
Once a data collector, always a data collector.
Guideline #8: Stay clear of the murder weapon at all times.
"Mihari, could you fetch Tezuka-kun for a moment please? He's at the tennis courts."
"Hai, Ryuuzaki-sensei." She went obediently to the said tennis courts.
And she met the person she least expected to see there.
"MURDERER!!!" The scream rang through the courts.
There was an eerie silence.
Fuji put down his racket. "I'll be back soon," He promised cheerfully, and was gone before anybody could think of stopping him.
"Continue practising, everyone!" The stern voice of their buchou snapped everyone out of their shock, and various "Hai"'s were heard.
Tezuka stalked off after Fuji, hoping that the tensai wouldn't cause too much destruction before he reached there.
"You – you – !"
The sight of the pitcher of suspiciously green juice by Inui's side was more than enough to reduce her to incoherency.
"Kira-chan," A new voice pervaded her already-overloaded consciousness.
"Ah… Fuji-kun?" She struggled to compose herself again, which was not an easy thing to do after being in such close proximity to the murder weapon.
"Aa." He seemed not to be affected at all by the fact that he was just standing a few inches away from said juice.
"Kira-chan, he's not a murderer." Fuji assured his near-hysterical classmate, stifling a few chuckles. "He's our team manager."
She eyed Inui skeptically. "Are you su – "
"What's going on?" The unusually deep timbre of the voice made her look up.
"Ah, Tezuka. I was just persuading Kira-chan that Inui isn't a murderer."
"A… murderer?" Tezuka repeated blankly.
Inui, however, was apparently more than overjoyed at the new additions to their group discussion.
"Fuji, would you like to try my newest juice? It's stronger than the previous batch."
The honey-haired boy brightened. "Really?"
He took the cup offered, and as Kira looked on in pure horror, he finished the whole cup in a single gulp.
"Very nice," He complimented Inui, smacking his lips. "You might want to add another tube of wasabi, though."
"I'll definitely look into it," Inui promised. "Do either of you want some as well?"
The liquid bubbled ominously at Tezuka and Kira.
"N-no…" She replied faintly.
"It's good for your health," Inui insisted.
"T-tezuka-kun!" Her voice was edged with panic. "Ryuuzaki-sensei wants to see you in the clubroom now! A-ah, shitsurei shimasu!"
The sooner she was out of here, the better. Good for your health, indeed!
Guideline #9: If all else fails, say something that will shock him out of his boots.
"Inui-kun," She stammered out. "I do wish you'd stop cornering me…"
He looked genuinely surprised. "Am I?"
"I just wanted to apologise for driving you off in such an ungraceful fashion yesterday, and I'd like to properly offer you a free glass of my new Super Deluxe Penal Tea to make up for it."
What is with this guy and his juices?
"Eh… I'm sorry, but no thanks!"
He advanced on her. "Please accept it as a token of my sincerity and remorse."
She looked at him for a moment, then at the toxic-looking juice.
I'm never drinking that juice!
What will shock him for long enough?
"… I love you!"
Guideline #10: What are you doing standing there? There's a very confused and increasingly obsessed murderer hot on your heels! RUN, idiot!
Great. Just great. What an embarrassing thing to say!
"I love you?!"
But it worked, anyhow. She glanced at Inui, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
What do I do now?
She was sitting under a blossoming sakura tree when a spectre suddenly materialized in front of her.
Oh, it's only Inui-kun.
After her embarrassing and completely unintended confession which did not in the least reflect the real state of her feelings for him (well, not really… after all, thinking that his pineapple-wannabe hairstyle was sort of cool did not equate to loving him), she was not exactly ready to fend off would-be murderers. Or explain unwanted confessions.
"What are you doing here?"
"It's my turn to surprise you," Inui noted calmly.
"You already did that…" Kira muttered.
"But if I tell you that I want to surprise you, there is an eighty percent chance that you will not be surprised anymore."
She was starting to get confused. "Then why are you telling me?"
"That would have been the case generally, but what I am going to do next is guaranteed to shock you no matter what."
"Really?" She asked interestedly despite herself. What could cause such a reaction anyway?
"Behold, Mihari Kira!" He slid his glasses down. "Behold the eyes of Inui Sadaharu, upon which none have gazed since the days of pre-school!"
"Oh, so that's your full name," She said agreeably. "Well? What's the surprise?"
"Kikumaru, where's Inui?"
"Hoi?" Eiji looked up. "Inui? Oh, yes! He's been stalking Kira-chan a lot lately! Maybe he's with her, nya!"
Fuji walked up to them. "You're looking for Inui, Tezuka?" He smiled, and pointed southwards, towards the school gardens. "You might want to look there."
Under the sakura trees?! He raised an eyebrow at that, but would have let it go, if not for one thing.
"He's skipping practice?"
"It appears so," Fuji's smile was suspiciously bright.
"Ah." Tezuka automatically started calculating laps. After all, tennis always came before all else – even if the all else included stalking some random girl.
And he did not want to know why Inui was stalking her in the first place.
Fuji watched Tezuka walk off frowning, and glanced upwards.
The blue, blue sky above was exactly the same shade as Inui's Aozu so many weeks ago... Fuji smirked. Revenge was sweet indeed.
So how was it? Review, ne?