Island In The Sky
Note:Thanks for being considerate! I read back on chapter ten, and in my note I said my break wouldn't be long. I guess that's something I have in common with Damon and Carlton…I lie.
On The Big Island In The Sky
"It's been raining every damn afternoon!"
"…Uh. No it hasn't."
Arzt was standing on the beach, surrounded by everyone…who was looking at him rather skeptically. Except Boone, who seemed rather interested.
"Shut up, Shannon!" Arzt demanded. "Let me finish. Ok. That means we're on the cusp of monsoon season. Monsoon season is bad."
"Monsoon season?" Boone asked. "Why do people hunt monsoons?"
Arzt ignored him. "Now, the trade winds are blowing north right now! Shipping lanes are north. So north is exactly where you want to be."
"Hold on, hold on…" Shannon stopped him. "First of all, what are you talking about? Is this your raft thing? Because we don't have a-"
"What does that mean?" Boone asked, interrupting Shannon.
"It means that when monsoon season hits, the trade winds shift south. The raft goes with the wind. Can someone yell me what the only piece of land south of us is?"
Boone raised his hand eagerly. Shannon sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Absolutely nothing because we're on the Big Island In The Sky?"
"That's right, Shannon. Absolutely nothing."
"Ok, man, look. We don't even have a raft…" Paulo put in. "We're not trying to get rescued from here."
"Well, assuming you're going to build one soon…you needed to set sail yesterday."
"Wow. You're helpful…" Nikki sighed.
"I'm a doctor!" Arzt said defensively.
This got Boone's attention. "Whoa, wait a sec! I'm the only doctor here!"
"Boone, you're not a doctor," Shannon sighed. "Just because you were trained in first aid does not make you anything close to a doctor. You can't even perform CPR right!"
Boone glared at her and stormed off. He remembered his second attempt of performing CPR on the Island.
"Now, if you put your index finger here…middle finger here…and ring finger here…strum down. That's the G chord."
"Ok, Charlie, super. But I don't want to learn guitar."
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Yes you do, Hurley. Everyone wants to learn guitar."
"This is where you're wrong."
"Hurley, it's not that hard!" Charlie took his guitar back and played all eight minutes and fifty-six seconds of November Rain, complete with the guitar solos. Hurley just stared at him blankly.
"Awesome. You're a musical genius, we get it. Can you please-"
"Show me what you've learned, Hurley."
Hurley rolled his eyes and grabbed the guitar roughly, putting it in his lap. He strummed a few chords experimentally and then began. "Mary had a little…lamb…" another hesitant strum. "…little lamb…" he rose his voice an octave and his fingers stumbled over the fret board. "Little lamb!" He stopped strumming and just spoke the rest of the song in a monotone. "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow."
The caves erupted in applause.
Feeling slightly envious, Charlie reached out and grabbed his guitar and started to play again. A random girl sitting near them covered her ears and ran away screaming.
Boone approached now, staring at Charlie and shaking his head. "No…"
Charlie was standing up now. He set his guitar down and turned to walk away, but Boone ran forward and hugged his midsection, pressing his cheek against Charlie's stomach.
"You have to cut him down, Kate!"
Kate stared and backed away. Then she turned around and ran.
Hurley stared at Boone. He wasn't exactly surprised. "Come on, man. What're you doing…?"
Boone suddenly shoved Charlie onto his back and knelt over him. He spread his eyelids apart - although his eyes were already open. Then he put his ear by Charlie's mouth. Charlie blew onto Boone's ear, just to emphasize the fact that he was, indeed, breathing.
"He's not breathing," Boone concluded. He went for Charlie's mouth, but Charlie shoved his face away and tried to get up. But Boone held him down steadily and placed both hands on Charlie's chest, pressing down roughly. Charlie looked at Hurley pleadingly and Hurley shrugged.
"It's best to just let him get it out of his system…"
Charlie rolled his eyes and stared up at the treetops.
It went on like this for awhile. Boone had actually started crying.Everyone around the camp in the caves were going about doing their normal things. Hurley decided it was time to break this up.
"Come on, Boone…it's ok…it's ok…" he grabbed Boone's shoulder and tried to pull him away.
Boone sat back on his heels for a moment, staring down at Charlie and tearing up. Charlie glanced from side to side and moved to sit up.
"No, no…" Boone wept, pushing Charlie back down. Charlie rolled his eyes and easily went back down.
"Oh, please God…" he muttered under his breath.
"COME ON, CHARLIE. BREATHE." Boone slammed his fist down onto Charlie's chest. Kate came back from wherever she had ran off to, got one look at them, and started crying.
Hurley groaned. "Oh, come on, stop it…now you're confusing Kate."
Kate ran forward and grabbed Charlie's hand, still crying. Hurley stood near the three of them, waving his arms in the air madly.
"Oh, please! We're all screwed when Kate gets confused! The world has to stop so every other male has to comfort her…"
Charlie had enough. He started wheezing and gasping and reaching for Boone for effect. Kate gasped happily and Boone laughed, gathering Charlie up in his arms.
Now Jack entered. He took one look at Charlie, Boone, and Kate and frowned. "What's going on here?"
Boone pointed at Charlie. "I just saved his life!"
"It was disturbingly just like the time he was hung!" Kate added in.
Charlie sat up and dusted dirt off his shirt. Jack stared at him.
"Charlie, how many times have you almost died here?"
"Well, make up your mind already."
"But I wasn't-"
"You either die or you don't, man."
Charlie threw his arms up in the air and stormed off.
Jack now caught site of Kate and he grinned. "Hey, Kate."
They randomly started making out. No one looked up.
On the Island…
"Look," Desmond said. "I guess I forgot to mention the fact that it's not my girlfriend who's going to rescue us…Charlie let me know while he was dying…I…er…just remembered…"
The camp was gathered around Desmond. Jack was sulking because he wasn't the one making the speech. Someone spoke up.
"Wait, Charlie's dead?"
"I thought we buried Charlie last month…"
"Wait, wait, he's the guy who got smashed under the plane, right?"
Desmond frowned at them. "Charlie - tiny blonde guitarist? Ring any bells? He's your bloody martyr!"
"Ohhh, the one with the heroin. Yeah. We don't like him."
Desmond rolled his eyes and walked over to where Charlie stood, still in his sunglasses and leather jacket. "Well, there - I told them. They don't seem to care."
Charlie shrugged. "Well, they can't blame you now when they get ambushed, can they?"
Desmond shrugged. "Guess not. Hey - any visions?"
"Nah - I think you redeemed yourself by telling them the truth. You got off a lot easier than me. I had to, you know…drown…to get yours to stop."
They wandered back to Desmond's tent. Charlie noticed a laptop sitting on Desmond's blankets. It had the internet browser open. Charlie blinked in surprise.
"You have the bloody internet and you never said anything?!"
"…I didn't think it really mattered…"
"Oh, well, it might've come in handy when we were trying to send a signal out, yeah?!"
"…Some…some of us don't think that fast!"
Charlie rolled his eyes and sat down in front of the computer. "What're you looking at anyw- OH MY GOD."
Charlie remembered the horrifying experience of reading slash fan fiction about himself on Shannon's computer. He remembered the writer, ChesmondLuver.
Desmond was logged onto that penname.
"Oh, you sick bastard!" Charlie exclaimed, jumping away from the computer like it was about to explode. "Oh, you're bloody disgusting!" Charlie ran for the exit of the tent, but Desmond grabbed him. Charlie screamed and tried to pull away.
"Charlie, calm down!"
"Calm down?! Me?! Your creepy burning desires, THAT'S what needs to be calmed down! Let go!"
"It's just writing, it doesn't mean anything!" Desmond exclaimed bitterly, closing his laptop. "I just get bored, ok?!"
Charlie scrambled away out of the tent.
Back in the fiery rings of hell…
"Damon - you should come look at this."
Damon walks over to where Carlton is sitting at his computer desk. He has his internet open to The Fuselage and is on a board called 'Charlie's Life Support Thread.'
"W-What…?" Damon sputters. "Charlie has life support? Wait…he has fans?"
Carlton scrolls down through the posts. "You should read all this, Damon. They're raging. Angry. Furious."
Damon is staring at the screen incredulously. "Well, we have access to this site! Delete it!"
"No…" Carlton says, backing away from the computer. "They've become too powerful…"
Frustrated, Damon takes Carlton's seat and starts going through the posts. "What's this?! Time travel…Charlotte Malkin and Charlie parallels…portals…why, Carlton! These are good ideas!"
"Well, should we use them?"
"Of course not!"
"Because they make sense!" Damon stands up, throwing his arms in the air. "The moment Lost makes sense is the moment we fall!"
Carlton stares at the screen accusingly. "Well, do they have a leader? If we destroy their leader, the rest will scatter! Just like if Jack died!"
Damon scrolls through the posts again. "No, no…they all seem to be equally infuriated."
"What do we do, Damon?!"
"There's only one thing we can do in a time like this, Carlton. The twenty-second Kate flashback."
"…But we've ran out of material. Her story is done with. And yet we keep her alive because she's one of our favorites!"
"Then we improvise."
Kate is sitting on the beach, staring off into the ocean.
"WHY?!" she screams out at the waves. "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL?!"
There is a long pause. Gentle piano music starts playing in the background and she starts singing a different version of 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
"It's not easy…being hot…" she sighs as she sings. "Having to spend each day…being drastically prettier than everyone else…"
The piano music fades as she starts to have flashbacks that appear to her rather quickly…almost like flashes.
Charlie runs into her and the topple over. "OOPS! Sorry!" Charlie screams. "I didn't mean to run into you and have you fall on top of me seductively!"
Kate is standing in the shore in her underwear, washing her hair. Sun comes up behind her. "OOPS! Sorry! I didn't mean to walk in on you displaying your unrealistic excuse of a body!"
Kate walks up on Jack as he takes off his shirt to inspect his wound from the plane crash. "OOPS! Sorry!" Jack cries. "I didn't mean for you to see me without my shirt on, thus dooming this show to a love triangle for the rest of eternity!"
Kate is running around the caves in her bra. Charlie runs up. "OOPS! Sorry! I guess me stepping on the beehive was only added in so everyone could see you practically topless!"
Kate and Sawyer are stripping down by the waterfall. Sawyer looks at her. "OOPS! Sorry! I didn't mean for my undressing to influence you into parading around in the panties you've been wearing for almost a month!"
Kate is getting out of the hatch shower. Jack sees her. Kate drops her bra and slowly bends down to pick it up. Jack doesn't blink. "OOPS! Sorry! I didn't know you were taking a shower, despite the steam and the running water!"
Kate is sitting with Jack one night. Jack asks for a spoon. Kate hands it to him, but not before licking it rather unnecessarily. A creepy fat viewer pauses the screen and grunts.
Kate is undressing in her tent. Sawyer walks in. "OOPS! Sorry! I didn't know you were changing, once again exposing the underwear you've been wearing for three months!"
Kate stops having flashbacks and stops singing. She sighs. It's hard being the unrealistically gorgeous fugitive whose mug shot looks more like a glamour shot. Not to mention the fact that real fugitives are hardened and worn. They also don't have time to apply foundation, paint on freckles, and curl their hair every time they go on a trek.
She pulls it off, though. She's Kate.
On the Big Island In The Sky…
Mikhail, Eko and Ethan are playing Sims. They make Sim Charlie start swimming in one of the pools they have built.
They remove the ladder.
Sim Charlie drowns.
Mikhail gets some creepy pleasure from it all. Eko thinks it's funny. Ethan is just pissed.
On the Island…
"Hey, Guy From the Hatch? We were thinking we should have a memorial service for that one guy…"
Desmond sighed and nodded "All right…how do you want to do this?"
Two hours later
Desmond sighed and stared down at the grave. "You buried him?"
"Yeah," Jack answerd.
"…I didn't bring back a body."
Everyone exchanged looks and shrugged.
Desmond blinked. "Whose body did you bury?!"
No one answered.
Desmond sighed and grabbed a handful of sand. "Fine. Whatever. Lets just do this." He sprinkled his fistful of sand onto the grave.
Music started to play in the background.
"When you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go…downTOWN!"
Juliet started dancing around. Desmond looked around, confused. "Wrong song!"
"AaaaOOOOOHHHH…yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! HOOOOW DOES YOUR LIGHT SHINE IN THE HALLS OF SHAMBALA?! Tell me-"
Desmond shook his head, frustrated. "This is a funeral! Who the bloody hell picks the music for these scenes?!"
The song changed again to the Blind Boys of Alabama's gravelly voices.
"And I just reeeach for Mother Maaaarrry and I shall not walk alone…"
Desmond nodded approvingly. "Ok, this works. Keep it-"
"MAAAAKE YOUR OWN KIND OF MUSIC. SIING YOUR OWN SPECIAL SONG. YOU GOTTA-"
Desmond sighed. "Could we just do with the slow sad orchestra music that always plays during scenes like this?!"
That music started playing.
Desmond nodded, content now. "Ok - does anyone want to say anything?"
"EVERYONE IS HELPFUL, EVERYONE IS KIND ON THE ROAD TO SHAMBALA."
"FINE!" Desmond exclaimed. "Fine! I give up! Who wants to talk?!"
The music faded to the background as Claire stepped forward. After all, people were expecting her to speak.
She cleared her throat and started reading from a piece of paper.
"Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December, and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor…eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow fro my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost…Charlie. Nameless here for evermore…"
Desmond blinked. "Claire, are you just reading 'The Raven' and putting in Charlie's name where Lenore's is…?"
Claire stepped back slowly, turned around, and ran.
Desmond rolled his eyes. "Ok, is there anyone else who-"
When he turned around everyone had walked away, already distracted. Desmond's shoulders slumped.
Charlie approached him. "This is the treatment you get for being the local pedophile."
Desmond stepped forward. "Charlie, I'm sorry your funeral-"
Charlie stepped back and held up a can of pepper spray. "Don't come too close. I carry this now."
Note:Ugh. I'm afraid this chapter wasn't too funny. I try to stop the self-bashing but it never works. Anyway, hopefully I'll think of something more later. Some of these things just come to me randomly. It's like a curse.
Speaking of curses which makes me think of Hurley which makes me think of Charlie which makes me think of death…my mum told me today that I used to be terrified of the Grim Reaper when I was younger. Apparently when I was younger, I accidentally watched that demented South Park show and I guess the Grim Reaper killed off the one that always wears the really puffy coat…I don't know. But my mum said I flipped out and wouldn't shut up about it and I thought the Grim Reaper was real for a really long time. I was messed up.