A/N: Another humor piece from my twisted mind. I hope this makes sense. You can find this soundboard if you google "Arnold Schwarzenegger Soundboard". Have fun with all your friends. : )
Highly unprofessional. Completely uncalled for. Grounds for immediate dismissal. All these things were running through the heads of Nick, Sara, Warrick, Greg, Mandy and Archie's minds as they all hovered around Archie's computer one particularly boring Wednesday evening trying not to laugh, but instead, there were frequent bursts of snorting, suppressed giggles, and spurting of closed lips. Above all, however, they were thinking this is going to be hilarious!
"He's gonna fire all of us, and I'm gonna blame it on you guys." Nick told his coworkers as Archie scrolled down through the Arnold Schwarzenegger Sound Board on the Internet. Archie had been bored out of his mind, and though there was a backlog of evidence to process, this seemed much more entertaining. He paged all his friends that knew would think it was funny and would go along with it. Surprisingly, all five of them had shown up and now they were having a little party. Luckily, Grissom was out of town, and Catherine had the night off. This is what happened when Sara Sidle was put in charge.
"Grow some balls, Nick." Mandy told her friend jokingly, and then she looked at Sara knowingly. "He does have some, doesn't he Sara?"
Sara pushed Mandy as Archie hit the "Stop being such a pussy!" button on the sound board, causing Arnold's voice to say the phrase loud and clear through the speakers.
"Yes, all three look wonderful." Sara smiled, and received a playful glare from her boyfriend.
"Alright, guys," Archie shook his head and chuckled as Nick's face turned red, "Who's gonna be in charge of pushing the buttons?"
"I will!" Sara immediately volunteered. "And you do know how to block the caller ID on these phones, right?" She checked as Archie stood up and let her take the seat.
"Of course." Archie assured her. "He'd have all our asses if he found out it was us."
"I'm pleadin' stupidity if he finds out." Mandy raised her hand a little, looking slightly worried that this call to Ecklie was somehow going to be found out. This was the investigations unit of the police department. They all made a living out of solving crimes and sniffing out lies. However, they were all also masters of disguise now because of it.
"That shouldn't be too hard." Warrick pointed out, smiling. "Alright, so what's our storyline going to be?"
"Officer Arnold from the Southwestern Headquarters has a problem with his job." Greg reminded everyone of what their original idea was. They spent another minute or so discussing and giggling over what they were going to have "Mr. Arnold" say to the unsuspecting yet deserving Ecklie during the call. This was going to be great. Finally, they were ready to make the call, having sworn that they would not burst out laughing during the call. Greg put his hand over Mandy's mouth to ensure this. She quickly bit his finger and shrugged him off.
They dialed the number and put it on speaker. After two rings, the sucker answered.
"Good morning. How are you." The Austrian accent greeted deeply over the phone. This immediately caused everyone to put their hands over their mouths to not giggle.
"Umm…I'm fine. May I ask who's calling?"
"I'm Detective John Kimbel!" The voice informed him a bit harsher than would normally be socially etiquette. "I forgot to introduce myself. I'm a cop. That is all I know how to be."
"Uh, okay. Hello Detective…" He asked for clarification.
"I'm Detective John Kimbel!" Sara hit the button again.
"Yes, Detective Kimbel. I'm not sure I've heard of you before. You're from the Southwestern Headquarters, I assume?"
"YYESSS!" Arnold said impatiently. "Oh excuse me. I'm just doing my job."
"I, uh. I understand. What can I help you with?" Ecklie stood up from his desk, his eyebrows furrowed to look out the window. This guy was a certain type of asshole.
"I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions. And I want to have them answered immediately." Sara gave him the ultimatum through the sound byte from Kindergarten Cop. Greg was now laying on the floor, silent, hard laughter chuckling through his body.
"Okay. I'll cooperate the best I can." Ecklie promised, feeling a bit intimidated. He'd never heard of this guy and he was being a real jerk.
"Thank you." Sara expertly moved the mouse to the different selections on the board. "What I want to know is why would a priest try to kill someone?"
Ecklie raised his eyebrows and walked back to his desk to look at the case files. Was there a case he was supposed to be ready to speak about? "Um, Detective Kimbel, is there a certain case you're referring to?"
"Don't bullshit me. Ask your mommy."
"Don't be ridiculous. No, I know what I heard. You're a fucking choir boy compared to me! A choir boy!"
"Sir, please calm down." Ecklie instructed him, getting worried.
"Well I've got news for you! You are mine now! You belong to me!"
"Am I being reprimanded for something?" He asked nervously. They all thought it was hilarious that when Ecklie thought he was in trouble, he turned into a scared little prissy boy.
"You lack discipline. One of us is in deep trouble." Arnold informed him vaguely.
"Well, I certainly don't see how it could be me, I…"
"SHUT UP! I hope you have room for a fist, because I'm gonna ram it into your stomach!"
"Are you threatening me?"
"Stop whining. Stop being such a pussy. I can do this all day long." Arnold bragged, just daring Ecklie to bring it on.
"Alright, Detective Kimbel. I'm gonna have to let you go. I've got a meeting to get to." Ecklie quickly made an excuse, adjusting his tie so he could hopefully make a quick exit somewhere. He suddenly felt like he was being watched. Maybe Detective Kimbel was in the building!
"I don't believe you. Fuck you, Asshole. Who told you you could eat MY cookies?" Sara put in for laughs.
"Goodbye, Detective Kimbel."
"Just do what I tell you. GoodBYE!!"
Sara clicked off the phone, and the six coworkers immediately burst out laughing, letting all the contained giggles to explode. Everyone high-fived Sara for a job well done, and they were all smiling widely as they tried to regain their breathing.
"My stomach hurts!" Mandy complained laughing, her face the color of a cherry.
"Ah, Sara you're a master of the soundboard." Warrick complimented her, giving her hand a friendly street-style shake. "You have a gift, my friend. Make sure you use it."
Greg happened to poke his head out the door and saw Ecklie coming down the hall, looking bewildered and worried.
"Guys, guys!" Greg turned back with a hushed but urgent tone. "He's coming! Everyone got a panicked but still playful look on their faces as they rushed to either get out of the room or to appear like they'd been working the entire time. Archie closed down the soundboard and quickly erased the internet history on the computer.
The only people left in the room when Ecklie came in was Archie, Nick, and Sara, who all tried their best to appear nonchalant, and serious. Sara coughed into her hand to keep from laughing when she saw the look on Ecklie's face. He looked like a Dungeon and Dragons-level nerd that had just been challenged to a schoolyard fight after school when he was supposed to be going to his trombone lesson instead.
"Hey, guys." Ecklie told them. Nick looked up from his file folder where he stood next to Archie, who pulled up an audio file to work on. Sara made some notes in her own case file from a table a few feet away. They all said hey back to their boss.
"I'm almost done analyzing the file from the Albert Rongey case." Archie told his boss.
"Great." He told him, then scratched at his brow. "Uh, listen. Have you guys ever heard of a Detective Kimbel over at Southwestern Headquarters?"
Sara pursed her lips together to keep from laughing. Nick looked over at his girlfriend and gave her a tiny smile. It was very rewarding to see their asshole boss shaking in his overpriced boots, so to say.
"Kimbel?" Archie repeated as if he'd never heard the name before. He looked at his coworkers, who shook their heads no. "Can't say I have, Conrad. Why's that?"
"Oh, no reason. I just need to make a follow-up call." He dismissed. Conrad looked around, as if he was itching to ask something else. He opened his mouth and had everyone's attention, but then just let out a dismissive sound. "Never mind. Keep up the good work, guys."
He left the room, and they all let out another sigh of relief.
"Thank God." Nick muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "Do you think he suspects anything?"
Sara raised her eyebrows. "He's not smart enough to suspect anything." She commented, causing Nick to clear his throat a little and give her a look. She smiled in response just as Greg hurried back into the room, carrying a single piece of paper.
"What's up, man?" Nick asked him.
Greg was already back to business, or so it seemed. "I got the lab work back on the Baker case about his brain functions." He paused, and Nick looked up at his friend, waiting for a response.
"And?" He prompted Greg.
And in a perfect Schwarzenegger impression Greg claimed, "It's not a tumor!"