FINAL FANTASY VII

AUTHORS NOTE: Back in 1989 when I was just 7 years old (altogether now: aww!) I used to watch a cartoon called "Captain N: The Game Master". If you're younger than me, then you probably won't remember it. I don't even think its on TV anymore. The information I've got below is simply from the internet (and SOME from my warped memory, of course). Anyway, I wanted to do a parody of it (I'm not the only one who's sad enough to do one (I've seen a South Park version on thehellhole.com)) so don't flame me too badly, okay? BTW, I am expectin' to get flamed for this.

Captain S: The Gayme Master

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cast of Characters
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cloud Strife - Captain N
Aeris Gainsborough - Princess Lana
Barrett Wallace - Simon Belmont
Cait Sith - Mega Man
Vincent Valentine - Kid Icarus
Reeve - Dr. Right
Jenova - Mother Brain
Reno - King Hippo
Rude - Eggplant Wizard
Hojo - Dr. Wily
Cid Highwind - Himself
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(open to 7th Heaven. Captain S, Princess Aeris, Barrett Belmont, Mega Sith and Vince Icarus are all sitting in the basement)
Captain S: Well, it's been three weeks and still no trouble on the planet... I hope Jenova Brain is behavin' herself.
Princess Aeris: It is strange. I can't believe that she hasn't tried anything lately.
Barrett Belmont: What IS your problem, Captain S?! I'd had thought you'd be glad not to have any bother from the forces of evil for once...
Captain S: Well yeah, I am glad. I'm just kinda nervous as well. Who knows... She could be plotting something right now!
Vince Icarus: Try to relax, Cloudicus. I am sure everything will be fine-icus.
Captain S: Yeah, you're right, Vince Icarus. Who wants a beer?
Princess Aeris: Even though we haven't heard from Jenova Brain in a while, I still don't think we should be celebrating just yet. We all need to stay sober just to be on the safe side.
Mega Sith: The princess is right. Let's have chocolate milk instead!

(cut to the Northern Crater. Jenova Brain, King Reno & Eggplant Rude and Dr. Hojo are all inside the center of the planet. They're watching Captain S and friends through a crystal)
Jenova Brain: Ha ha ha!! Those idiot S Team! Do they honestly think that they've put a stop to my evil plans?! Ha ha ha!!
King Reno: You never cease to amaze me, Your Highness.
Eggplant Rude: ...
Dr. Hojo: I agree with Eggplant Rude. He took the words right out of my mouth.
Jenova Brain: Ha ha ha!! Look at them! As day by day goes by, they'll sit around in their basement like a bunch of Hedgehog Pie's, totally unaware of the destruction I have planned for the planet, and when they least expect it - BANG! Ha ha ha!! I truly am a genius!
Dr. Hojo: Should I prepare the Highwind for take off, ma'am?
Jenova Brain: Not yet, Dr. Hojo. We shall leave in due time... Ha ha ha!!

(cut to 7th Heaven. Captain S and Princess Aeris are enjoying some time alone in the bar)
Princess Aeris: Isn't this nice, Cloud? It isn't often that we get to be alone together like this, huh?
Captain S: Uh huh. You look really beautiful tonight, Aeris.
Princess Aeris: Why, thank you, Cloud! Come here and kiss me.
(they move together to kiss. Mega Sith jumps between them)
Mega Sith: Hold up!
Captain S: Mega Sith?! What the hell's wrong with you?!
Mega Sith: I have a bad feelin' about tonight. I think something mega-horrible is gonna happen.
Princess Aeris: Oh, you always think something horrible is going to happen!
Mega Sith: I-I know, but I think something REALLY mega-horrible is gonna happen tonight.
Captain S: Okay, we'll give you the benefit of the doubt. What's the problem?
Mega Sith: I'm picking up a strange signal from my creator, Dr. Reeve. I think he wants us to come over to Shin-Ra HQ right away.
Captain S: (sigh) All right. I'll gather everyone together. You two wait here.
(he leaves)
Captain S: (offscreen) You guys, come on. We're going out.
Barrett Belmont: (offscreen) We don't wanna go out! We wanna stay here and watch TV!
Captain S: (offscreen) No, you've gotta go over to Shin-Ra HQ and listen to some stupid doctor talk about a bunch of borin' facts!
Barrett Belmont: (offscreen) Aw, dammit!
(he returns)
Captain S: Well, we're all set!
Princess Aeris: ...Great.

(cut to Shin-Ra HQ. The S Team (that's Cloud and the others, just in case you forgot) walk into reception)
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Captain S: You may. We're looking for Dr. Reeve.
Receptionist: Ah, yes. Dr. Reeve has been expecting you. Go on up.
Captain S: Thanks. (to the S Team) C'mon guys!

(cut to the 67th floor. The S Team walk up the stairs and find Dr. Reeve waiting for them)
Dr. Reeve: Ah, I'm so happy you all came!
Captain S: Hi there, bongo. Look, did you want to speak with us?
Dr. Reeve: Yes. I have some important news.
Mega Sith: Aw, it's not about my new battery, is it?
Dr. Reeve: (laughs) No, nothing like that. It's about Jenova Brain.
Captain S: Oh, thats just made my day! (sigh) What about her?
Dr. Reeve: She sent us an e-mail a short while ago. She has surrenderd to us. She's given up the fight.
Captain S & Princess Aeris: What?!
Barrett Belmont: No freakin' way!
Dr. Reeve: I'm serious. She said she can't be bothered to continue fighting a battle that she will never win. She's decided to retire.
Vince Icarus: Now that is just ridiculous-icus. Why the hell-icus would she just jack everything in-icus just because she's lost a few battles... icus?
Captain S: A few? I think you gotta add an extra zero to that.
Vince Icarus: ...What?!
Captain S: Nevermind. Say Dr. Reeve, are you sure about this?
Dr. Reeve: Positive. You can check the e-mail personally if you don't believe me.
Captain S: Okay. I don't believe you, so can I see the e-mail?
Dr. Reeve: ...No.
Captain S: All right. Forget about it. (to the S Team) Let's all go home and sit back with a cold beer.
Barrett Belmont: Now you're talkin' my language, Captain Sissy!
Captain S: Hey, don't call me "Captain Sissy", all right?! (proudly) The "S" stands for Superior!
Barrett Belmont: (quietly) Yeah, whatever ya say, Captain Stupid.
(the S Team leave. Dr. Reeve starts to walk back to his office)
Dr. Hojo: (offscreen) Well done, Dr. Reeve. You have served us well.
(Dr. Hojo appears)
Dr. Reeve: Dr. Hojo! (sigh) How could you make me lie like that to all my friends?
Dr. Hojo: You know why. Jenova Brain would have killed you otherwise.
Dr. Reeve: You bastard! Why don't you burn in hell?!
Dr. Hojo: Silence! (he pulls out a gun and nukes Dr. Reeve) Mwa ha ha ha!! What a dumbass!

(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. The S Team are on their way back to 7th Heaven)
Barrett Belmont: Can't wait to get home an' have a few beers!
Captain S: Jeez Barrett, do you always have to think about beer?
Barrett Belmont: What else would one think of?
Captain S: Y'know... pretty stuff. Like flowers.
Barrett Belmont: Yeah, ya would think that, wouldn't ya?!
Princess Aeris: (laughs) You two! Why must you always fight like this?
Barrett Belmont: I'm so sorry if our constant fightin' has become annoyin' to you, Your Cuteness.
Captain S: Stop kissing butt, Belmont.
Barrett Belmont: Up yo' ass!
Mega Sith: Oh my God! Look!
(they all look over towards 7th Heaven. The bar has been destroyed)
Princess Aeris: Oh no! 7th Heaven! What in the world happened?!
Captain S: Damn. We must've forgotten to pay the taxes again...
Barrett Belmont: No one trashes my bar and gets away wit' it! C'mon fools, we're goin' to see the mayor!
Captain S: Who? Mayor Domino?
Barrett Belmont: On second thoughts...
Vince Icarus: Oh my goodness! What will become of us now-icus?!
Captain S: Calm down, Vince Icarus. You're scarin' the princess.
Princess Aeris: No, he's not.
Vince Icarus: I'm sorry, Your Highnicus. I will try to be less hysterical in the future.
Princess Aeris: I'm fine, really I am.
Mega Sith: I bet this is the work of Jenova Brain!
Captain S: Don't be stupid, Mega Sith! Jenova Brain has surrenderd, remember?
Mega Sith: Says she! I reckon she's been lying, by cracky!
Captain S: Jenova Brain may be a ruthless villain hell bent on world domination, but she's no lier.
Princess Aeris: The problem is most likely close at home. We must question everyone in the Slums. Someone must know some information.
Barrett Belmont: Well I'm goin' down to the tax offices'. Anyone wanna come wit'?
Vince Icarus: I'll tag along for the ride, Barretticus.
Princess Aeris: Great. Then Cloud and I will start our inquires throughout the neighborhood. Come Cloud.
Mega Sith: Then what am I supposed to do?
Captain S: Uh, you can play PlayStation all day, okay?
Mega Sith: Nuh uh! I want in on the action too! And I think I know just where to start MY inquires!
Captain S: All right. Go ahead and make an ass of yourself. The rest of us'll split up and do some REAL work. See ya, Mega Sith!
Princess Aeris: Yeah, we'll meet up here later. Bye!
(Captain S, Princess Aeris, Barrett Belmont and Vince Icarus all go their separate ways)
Mega Sith: Those mega-bastards! Ah well, I know just what to do next!

(cut to the Northern Crater. Jenova Brain and King Reno & Eggplant Rude are watching the S Team through their crystal)
Jenova Brain: Ha ha ha!! Its gone! The S Team HQ is all gone! And now they're completely and utterly screwed... and homeless! Ha ha ha!!
King Reno: You really are a card, Your Allmightyness!
Eggplant Rude: ...
Jenova Brain: Oh, you're too nice, Eggplant Rude.
King Reno: (to Eggplant Rude) Butt kisser!
Jenova Brain: Now their defences are down, we can move in for the kill. (shouting) Dr. Hojo!
(Dr. Hojo walks in)
Dr. Hojo: Yes, ma'am!
Jenova Brain: Prepare the Highwind for take off! We're going to Midgar! Ha ha ha!!
Dr. Hojo: Mwa ha ha ha!!
King Reno: Ha ha ha!!
Jenova Brain: (to King Reno) Silence! You don't get to laugh!
(she hits him over the head with her tentacle)

(cut to the Northern Crater - Outside. Mega Sith is about to enter the crater)
Mega Sith: I don't believe for a second that Jenova Brain is ready to surrender to us. I'll have to find out the truth for myself.
(he prepares to jump into the crater, when the Highwind flies out)
Mega Sith: Holy fudge! The Highwind: Jenova Brain's flying aircraft!

(cut to the Highwind. Jenova Brain, King Reno & Eggplant Rude and Dr. Hojo are inside the bridge. They can see Mega Sith through the window)
King Reno: Your Majesty, enemy sighted at (checks his watch) 1300hrs!
Jenova Brain: What are you talking about, King Reno?!
King Reno: That little wussy robot type thingy is right outside the crater! Should we destroy the little pecker?
Jenova Brain: Let me see! (she looks out the window) Good lord! King Reno, Eggplant Rude, terminate the little bugger!

(cut to the Northern Crater - Outside)
Mega Sith: What the hell're they doin' up there?
(a beam of light is emitted from the Highwind. It apparently vaporises Mega Sith)

(cut to the Highwind)
Jenova Brain: Did we get him?
King Reno: We got him, ma'am!
Jenova Brain: Excellent! Now pilot, take us to Midgar!
Cid: Yes, Ms. Jenova Brain, ma'am.
Jenova Brain: Those idiotic S Team are done for now! Ha ha ha!!

(cut to Midgar. Captain S, Princess Aeris, Barrett Belmont and Vince Icarus all meet up back in the Sector 7 Slums)
Captain S: (to Barrett Belmont and Vince Icarus) You guys get any good info?
Vince Icarus: Not a damn thing-icus.
Barrett Belmont: The flyin' freak-head is right. The mayor wouldn't talk. So I blew his head off with my gun-arm.
Vince Icarus: It was totally cool-icus! Barretticus kicked some major booty!
Barrett Belmont: Well how 'bout you two? You find anythin'?
Captain S: No. People round here are either too scared or too stupid. I prefer the latter.
Princess Aeris: H-Hey, where'd Mega Sith go?
Vince Icarus: I have no idea, Your Highnicus. Didn't he go with you and Cloudicus?
Captain S: We honestly thought the fat ass was with you guys. I guess we were both wrong.
Barrett Belmont: Wait a minute... What's that noise?
Captain S: Hmm... I hear it too. Like a weird rumblin' sound...
Vince Icarus: Are you sure it's not Barretticus's stomach?
Barrett Belmont: Shu' up!
Princess Aeris: (gasp) Cloud, look over there!
(they all look up to the sky. The Highwind is high above the city)
Captain S: The Highwind!
Barrett Belmont: Ya don't think Mother Brain, I mean, Jenova Brain is on that ship, do ya?!
Captain S: (laughs) Highly unlikely! She's given up on evil deeds, remember?
Jenova Brain: (from inside the Highwind) Ha ha ha!! If it isn't the S Team! How are you all doing today?
Captain S: Hey wow! It IS Jenova Brain! What're the odds?!
Jenova Brain: (from inside the Highwind) Quiet you spiky headed jerk! Ha ha ha!! I hope you're all ready to die!
Captain S: B-But what about the peace treaty?!
Jenova Brain: (from inside the Highwind) You should know better than to trust doctors, Captain Slug!
Captain S: Ay! The "S" doesn't stand for Slug, all right?! It stands for Skilled!
Jenova Brain: (from inside the Highwind) Who cares?! You're not going to be alive long enough to even HAVE a name anyway! Dr. Hojo, fire the cannon!
Princess Aeris: Cannon...? Oh no!
(Princess Aeris turns and prepares to run. A yellow beam is shot out from the Highwind. It hits Princess Aeris and sends her flying towards a pile of debris)
Captain S: Oh my God, they killed Aeris! You beasts!
Barrett Belmont: Your Highness! (shakes his head) Well that does it! C'mere space cruiser!
Vince Icarus: Space cruiser? It is an airship!
Barrett Belmont: Don't give a damn 'bout none o' that right now! (he cocks his gun-arm) Burn in hell, bad guys!
(he fires at the airship, but it is too well protected)
Barrett Belmont: Ugh!

(cut to the Highwind)
Jenova Brain: (into the loudspeaker) Ha ha ha!! You fools! Don't you see?! I've won! You cannot destroy the Highwind with a simple gun-arm! Ha ha ha!! (to Dr. Hojo) Is the cannon ready for another load?
Dr. Hojo: Yes, ma'am!
Jenova Brain: Then FIRE! Ha ha ha!!

(cut to the Sector 7 Slums)
Barrett Belmont: Dammit! My ammo has no effect!
Captain S: Don't you worry, Barrett. I'm positive that we won't lose.
Barrett Belmont: What the hell makes you so damn sure?!
Captain S: Eh, just a hunch.
Vince Icarus: Cloudicus is right-icus. We've been in a lot more worse situations than this-icus, and we've come out just fine-icus.
Barrett Belmont: This time may be an acception!
Captain S: Don't be stupid! We're gonna be just fi-
(a white beam of light is shot at the S Team)

(cut to the Highwind)
Jenova Brain: (pause) D-Did we get them?
Dr. Hojo: ...We got them.
Jenova Brain: R-Really? We actually killed off the entire S Team?!
Dr. Hojo: (looks out of the window) Seems so.
Jenova Brain: Ha... Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha haaa!! We did it! We killed off all those little bastards! We're the best! We won! Ha ha ha!! Drinks at my place tonight; bring a bottle!

(cut to the Northern Crater. Mega Sith is lying at the bottom. He wakes up)
Mega Sith: Owww... My mega-head... (jumping to his feet) Huh?! Where am I?! (looks around) Is this the Northern Crater? Of course! Now I remember... the Highwind must have shot at me... But I'm still alive... Oh yeah, I wasn't even technically 'alive' in the first place! (he hears a noise from above) Huh? Uh oh, trouble!
(he ducks behind a rock. The Highwind docks in at the center of the planet. King Reno & Eggplant Rude both carry Jenova Brain out into the open)
Jenova Brain: So, what do you two want to do first?
King Reno: Can we play Twister?!
Eggplant Rude: ...
Jenova Brain: I like Eggplant Rude's idea best.
King Reno: (quietly to Eggplant Rude) No fair! You have all the fun!
Jenova Brain: Just think boys. No more S Team. The whole planet is ours, and no one can do a goddamn thing about it! Ha ha ha!!
King Reno: Uh... is it okay to laugh now, Your Majesty?
Jenova Brain: Yes. Go on then.
King Reno: Ha ha ha!! (pause) Well, that was pretty pointless.
Mega Sith: (quietly to himself) Oh no... They haven't REALLY destroyed the S Team, have they?
Jenova Brain: What?! Who goes there?!
Mega Sith: (gasp) Crap!
Jenova Brain: Oh, it's only you, Dr. Hojo.
(Dr. Hojo walks towards Jenova Brain)
Dr. Hojo: The Highwind has overheated itself. Once it has cooled down, we may return to the surface where we may begin our attack on the planet.
Jenova Brain: Excellent! I think we'll take Cosmo Canyon first... then Nibelheim... then Wutai... then-
Mega Sith: (to himself) This can't be happening! I have to get back to Midgar right away!

(cut to Midgar. Mega Sith walks into the Sector 7 Slums. The place is in even more of a mess than usual)
Mega Sith: Oh God, what've they done to the city? (sits down) This's all my fault. I should've never went off to the Northern Crater by myself like that. I could have prevented this, if only I had stayed in Midgar to help the others. And now they're dead... dead... DEAD!! Waaaaaaa!
(a pile of debris begins to move)
Mega Sith: Huh?! Show yourself or I'll turn you into a mega-hunk of sticky goo with my trumpet... somehow.
(Princess Aeris climbs out of the debris)
Princess Aeris: Ugh...
Mega Sith: Princess! You're alive!
Princess Aeris: Uh... Mega Sith, you're okay too...
(he runs over to help her)
Mega Sith: I heard you were all dead. What happened?
Princess Aeris: Jenova Brain... she came and attacked the city. Cloud and the others... where are they?!
Mega Sith: How long have you been under there? Apparently Captain S and the rest of the team have been disintegrated. That's what Jenova Brain was sayin' anyway.
Princess Aeris: Is this the end of the S Team?!
Mega Sith: 'fraid so.
Princess Aeris: C'mon Mega Sith. Let's go.
Mega Sith: Go where?
Princess Aeris: To find Cloud and the others.
Mega Sith: BUT THEY'RE DEAD! WHAT PART OF 'DEAD' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Princess Aeris: I refuse to believe that they've kicked the bucket! What sort of an ending is that?!
Mega Sith: It's an ending, Princess. It's an ending.

(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud wakes up screaming on the bar. Tifa walks over to him)
Tifa: Cloud, what's wrong?
Cloud: Ugh... I just dreamt that we were all super hero's and we fought this big giant monster creature who destroyed the entire city of Midgar, killing everyone except Aeris and Cait Sith...
Tifa: Hmm, well you're awake now. Would you like some toasted brains for breakfast?
Cloud: Yes please.
(they start to eat a plate of rotten brains)
Tifa: Mmm, brains are good with ketchup!

(cut to Nibelheim. Vincent wakes up in his coffin)
Vincent: Oh my... What a strange dream... (he picks up the PHS and calls Barrett) Hello Barrett?
Barrett: What?
Vincent: I just had the weirdest dream... I dreamt that Cloud dreamt that we were all super hero's and we fought this big giant monster creature who destroyed the entire city of Midgar, killing everyone except Aeris and Cait Sith...
Barrett: Y'know what?
Vincent: I'm listening...
Barrett: That sounds like a pretty #@$%^&* weird dream!
Vincent: I agree. So, what are you doing this afternoon?
Barrett: Jus' watchin' the game, havin' a Bud...
Vincent: Oh, all right. May I join you?
Barrett: Sure. Jus' come next door. It's a real swingin' party. Aeris jus' drunk a whole barrel o' whiskey without stoppin' for breath.
(Vincent puts down the PHS and leaves)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GAME OVER__________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~