LETTING GO

AUTHOR: Stompy Bigfoot

DISCLAIMER: Supernatural belongs to Warner Bros., Wonderland Sound and Vision, McG, Eric Kripke, and Robert Singer. I am only borrowing their characters for my own personal pleasure and no permanent harm will come to them.

SUMMARY: Wincest, Sam/Dean, Dean helps Sam again, this time it isn't during a hunt. Sam needs to go on. Set definitely before Heart.

SPOILERS: Pilot

RATING: R, language and adult scenes

Italics are thoughts


The boys had just finished off a simple salt and burn up in Michigan. They were in another nameless bar, another nameless town. Dean was revisiting his horn dog days again, picking up as many blonde bimbos as possible. Sam, ever the geek, was sitting in the dark corner of the bar, rummaging at the local newspapers, looking for new hunts.

"What is a guy like you spending time in a bar for?"

Sam looked up from his evaluations of the papers to see a pretty looking brunette sitting across from him drinking water. I wonder what she wants? Please not another I-desperately-need-to-.get-laid chick. But then, she doesn't fit that criterion…hmm...

"Just waiting for my brother over there." Sam pointed over to Dean, who was currently bull-shitting another story to several blondes around him. What are we this time? Barristers or Movie producers?

"You mean the guy over the bar there giving those extreme false stories about his expeditions in god-knows-what to those bimbo blondes."

"That about covers it. It's his only way to have fun." Sam said casually.

"Sorry if I offended you. Name's Rachel, currently taking a break from college. Studying 1st year Law at Princeton." Rachel gazed shyly at Sam.

"I'm not offended. I get that a lot about him. You get used to it after a while. I'm Sam, and the bloke over there you just described nicely for me is Dean. You study law? I was a pre-law at Stanford. Now though, I'm just on a road trip with my brother over there." Sam gave another one of his relaxing grins.

Rachel laughed nervously, and blushing more heavily this time, asked timidly, "May I ask what happened? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm not trying to pry."

She blushes a lot. Quite cute and polite too…hmm…a rarity nowadays…I don't need to lie, but there's no need for the whole truth.

"No worries. There was an episode the night before I was due to my interview for Law school, so I decided to take a break from college, and Dean proposed the idea of joining him on the road, so here I am." Sam rolled up his wad of papers and crammed it into one of his many pockets of his jacket.

---

Despite his heavy flirting with the blonde next to him, Dean was also keeping an eye out for his brother. For the past week, Sammy hasn't been the easiest person to be with, and Dean kind of understands. Considering the fact that he is sleep deprived again, for not sleeping properly for the past week. I can't blame the kid for being more moody that usual. It'll pass. It is a year since Jess' death.

Seeing his younger brother chatting happily away with a brunette, Dean smiled to himself. Maybe he is trying to loosen himself up? Attaboy.

"You were saying Candi…"

---

"I'm sorry Rachel. It's not you, it's just me." Sam quietly exclaimed quickly, seeing the rejected look that Rachel was attempting to hide. Damn it. Why did I do that? I should've known what would happen. Fuck…

"Look Sam, it you're not interested, just tell me. I won't be upset. By the looks of it, we wouldn't be meeting again." Rachel responded with a slight disappointment in her voice.

"No. You're a beautiful girl with a bright future ahead of you. Just because of tonight doesn't mean other men wouldn't find you attractive." Sam elaborated further.

Rachel looked at him in puzzlement. I was sure he was interested, or I wouldn't have tried something with him. He doesn't look gay to me, but you can't judge a book by its cover.

Sam gave a sad sigh, and said in a low voice; "My girlfriend died last year, and I just can't seem to go into another relationship or even a one-night-stand again. Sorry if I stringed you along. I thought I was ready, but obviously, I'm not. It's the wrong place at the wrong time."

Is this episode before law school was this one? I mean, it is a big blow right before your interview. I won't ask him. He is already clearly very upset with himself, I won't delve further. Rachel reached across the table and put one of her smaller and noticeably finer hands onto Sam larger and larger ones, rubbing soothing circles with her thumb.

"I'm dealing with it. I just need time." Sam uttered softly to her, more like to himself.

Rachel gave one last pat to Sam's hand, and stood up. "Well, I'm going right now. You obviously loved your girlfriend very much. I envy that. I hope I can find someone like that. Who knows? Anyway, nice meeting you Sam." She gave one last gaze at Sam, her large chocolate eyes filled with sympathy and regret, and walked out of the bar.

Fuck it…I need a drink.

---

When Dean looked across the bar again, it was the sight of Sam drowning in his sorrows, with a number of empty shots next to him. What is Sam thinking? He knows he's a light-weight…he must be very pissed off to try and get drunk…never seen him drink like this since the College incident…not even when Jess died…Oh Sam…

"You're really hot and sexy Candi, if it was another day, I would be advancing my moves, but unfortunately, today's not the day. Right now though, I have business to attend to." With that said, Dean walked briskly to Sam.

"Bartender, how many shots has this guy had already?" Dean asked the bartender while settling down next to Sam. "And, I'll have a shot of whatever he is having."

The bartender gave a nod, and grabbed the half empty vodka to pour for Dean. "This guy here had 5 already. I advised to stop drinking, but by the looks of it, he clearly wants to drink to death. You taking care of him, I'm telling you, take him home, or he'll regret it tomorrow."

Dean for once, listened to his advice, and shook Sam's shoulder not so gently. "Come on Sam, let's get you back to the motel."

"It's all my fault…didn't mean for Jess to die…can't get close again…didn't mean to upset Rachel…I'm poison…everybody around me dies…mom…Jess…dad…it won't be long before you die to…just leave…" Sam blubbered brokenly to Dean.

Dean shook his head lightly against Sam's declarations and stood up. With a nod to the bartender "thanks dude," he pulled Sam onto his feet, and literally carried him to the car.

Oh Sam…this isn't your fault…I don't know what to do to help…

---

Dean woke up suddenly. I swear, I heard something. Looking around the room, his eyes landed on Sam's tossing and turning figure. Ahhh…he's crying…

He crawled out of bed, and decided to slip into Sam's bed, since his crying has increased. This reminds me of when we were younger. He was always a prone to nightmares, and this always helped. Let's hope it stayed the same after all these years.

Sam automatically hugged Dean closer to himself, as if he was a teddy bear, and slept on.

Yeah, go back to sleep Sam…I'll keep your nightmares at bay…

---

Sam woke up to a hard but comfy pillow, and arms around his body. Arms? Sam blinked open one of his eyes, and it was Dean's t-shirt clad chest that met his eyes. What the hell? I don't remember going to bed with Dean. Even if I was blindly drunk I still remember clearly what happens. And I need to go to the bathroom now, or else…

Sam felt his stomach churn painfully, and wisely went to the bathroom. Dean was roused from his sleep by Sam's quick departure, and was met with the sounds of painful retching. Praying for the porcelain god eh…that's for trying to drink a whole bottle of vodka all by yourself…let's see how he's doing…

"Why did you let me get drunk when we both know that I can't hold my alcohol?" Sam groaned into the toilet bowl.

"Because I am an awesome brother." Dean smirked back.

"Jerk"

"Bitch"

For once, I appreciate Dean's no-chick-flick moments. I don't think I can handle one today or ever about what happened last night. Last night never happened and that's it.

---

Dean again was awakened by Sam's nightmares. Last night definitely worked…he probably needs it again tonight…

Sam, though, woke up this time from Dean's poor attempts of slipping into bed inconspicuously.

"Sorry to wake you again. You can go back to your own bed now. I'm fine" Sam mumbled softly with a repentant tone.

"Shhhh Sam, you need to talk. Was it Jess?" Dean said with a surprisingly tender tone. He ended up sitting next to Sam's pillow, legs still on the floor, but his torso and head was turned to face Sam.

Sam shook his head defensively, "I'm fine, don't worry, go back to sleep Dean." Please Dean, just leave it alone…I'm begging here…

Dean raised his eyebrows in disbelief and snorted slightly. "I'm sure you're fine. You're paler, thinner, more tense and you're Mr Broody twenty-four seven." He then gave another hard stare at Sam. By now, Sam had sat up with the covers almost enveloping his whole torso.

Sam looked away vaguely, before speaking so quietly, that it was only because of Dean's trained hearing, did he hear him. "The usual one, she screams, gets gutted and the apartment's burning, but then, there are some of the more cherished ones, where we spend our time under the covers all day. Sam bowed his head at this. "Those are worse than the ones where she dies. It brings up all the memories that I know will never happen again." Why am I telling Dean this, I must be more delirious than I thought.

"Now that's sorted out, what happened yesterday in the bar? I saw you having a pretty cosy time with that brunette, and suddenly, she just left, leaving both of you with dejected faces. Not two minutes after, you were drinking your ass off. You never drink." Dean inquired. Please tell me…I just want to help…

"It was too much, I thought I was ready, but when she tried to heat it up, I couldn't do it…to painful…reminds me of Jess…can't cheat on her memory…" Sam stared at his hand that had begun drawing invisible runes on the covers.

"There was Sarah" Dean prompted at once.

"That was different. I knew we would probably never meet again. It was the least I could do after having dinner with her." Sam smiled depressingly. Wonder why Dean is doing this…I told him to leave it alone…

"I'm just worried. This is becoming a health hazard. You have to let go Sam. It's what I believe Jess would want you to do. You don't have to forget her. Keep your memories; she'll always be in you. You loved her, and you still do, but she's dead, and torturing and punishing yourself like this won't bring her back. I'm not telling you to replace her. There won't be another Jess, but you can still find someone else to love." Dean said in one go. I can't believe I'm having a heart-to-heart with Sam here, but he desperately needs it.

"But…" Sam expressed weakly.

"Punishing yourself won't do you any good, it'll only turn you into a tight ass, and more importantly, it's affecting your health. Hell, I haven't seen you eat properly since ever. I just want you to loosen up, and if having sex means lessening the tension, then go and get laid. You have the right to find sexual comfort just like any other person on the street. Sam, I'm just trying to help…" Dean broke off quietly.

Sam was silent and staring into space. If it wasn't for the rise and fall of his chest, Dean would think he was dead. Now that's a scary thought…don't go there brain….

I have an idea. Please don't freak out Sam…you need it, since you won't do it with another chick…

Dean suddenly whispered into Sam's ear, "You trust me Sammy?"

Sam gave Dean a you-need-to-ask look, "Of course. Why you're asking? And it's Sam."

Dean gave no indication of Sam's correction and stood up quickly to walk to the bathroom. When he returned, in his hands was the body lotion he had used in the bathroom beforehand and to Sam's surprise, he took his shirt off. Leaving the lotion on the bedside table, he climbed onto the bed behind Sam's huddling figure, and gently pulled him into his arms. "Relax Sammy…lean back and relax…"

They ended up chest to back, Sam's leg in front of him, while Dean's legs were around Sam's. Ever so discreetly, Dean started to gently nip at the base of Sam's neck. Sam was shocked and in response, had jammed his elbow into his brother's ribs hard. Dean continued his ministrations, and with his left arm, he secured Sam in place when the younger Winchester continued to squirm around. Just relax, Sammy…relax…

"Shhhh, just feel. Relax little bro. I'm trying to help. Relax for me. Please?" Dean felt the tension leave Sam remarkably. His hands had begun their own journey under Sam's shirt, triggering him to shiver slightly against the ministrations. Mmmmm…Dean….

Sam felt Dean tug at his shirt, and since his brain was in la-la land, he followed his desires, and the next second, he felt Dean's powerful chest against his back. Skin to skin…oh god…don't stop your hands…ahhh…ahhhh

Dean grinned into his brother's shoulder, when a groan was elicited form him after just playing with his nipples. Staying celibate for a year does make you desperate…All the while continuing his attention on Sam's dark buds, Dean's other had wandered down lower, to his navel, then into Sam's briefs.

Oh my god…Dean…mmmm…ahhh…keep on going…

Dean had continued to fondle his balls and cock, and when there wasn't any negative response from Sam, using his other hand, he risked it by slipping lower until he found Sam's virgin hole. Receiving no unenthusiastic reactions from Sam, he started rubbing around, never slipping in to the tight ring of muscle.

Dean…just do it…I'm not a bloody child…

I'm doing it Sam…don't bail out now…

Sam whimpered at the loss of "Dean" when he felt his brother leave his original position. Dean had turned around, so he was in front of Sam, and gripping his briefs, he pulled them down, and unconsciously, he slid lower until his head was in time with Sam's groin. Sam wanting more, spread his legs wider, oh Sam, you want more eh…I'll give you more…

Crawling on top of his brother, he kissed Sam on the mouth for the first time, and voluntarily, his hand reached out and grabbed the body lotion. Both boys moaned when their cock met for the first time. Sam had begun to instinctively ground against his brother, searching for more friction.

Dean took off his won boxer-briefs, and uncapping the lotion, he dunked a generous amount onto his finger. He rubbed soothingly for a while, to let Sam get used to the feel, then plunged the finger inside. Sam had tensed on instinct, so Dean put a hand on his belly, and using his thumb, began circling gently on his stomach. Dean felt more room around his finger, and slipped in another one.

Dean has magical fingers….

Slipping a third, he had begun scissoring to prepare for the inevitable. Removing all three fingers when he thought Sam was ready, he poured a generous amount into his hand, and lathed it all up and down his cock. Pushing both of Sam's legs until they were touching his chest, Dean glanced at Sam, and said softly, "I'm not going to lie, this is going to hurt. Just relax."

Sam nodded with his eyes all on Dean. An image of a six-year-old Sam suddenly hit Dean, when he was still worshiping the ground Dean had walked on. Love you Sam…Dean held his member in one hand, and sunk slowly into Sam. Oh my god…so tight…don't come… Sam clenched his fist against the pain, and a traitorous tear leaked out of his eyes. Dean in reply, gave Sam a hard and long kiss, literally taking Sam's breath away. Love you Dean…always thinking out for me…

Sam began moving his hips upwards, encouraging Dean to start moving again. Come on Dean…get on with it…Dean groaned deeply at the friction, and started thrusting his hips, all the while giving Sam a hand job.

"Come on Sam. Come for me…"

"I…" I can't…it's all my fault…not supposed to find pleasure again…

"Sammy…" Dean swiped his thumb lightly over the tip of Sam's cock, while hitting his prostate over and over again.

"Dean…I'm…nggg…ahhh…"

With Sam coming hard, Dean followed not soon after. I don't even know how he stayed celibate for this long.

Dean slipped out of Sam, and shifted around until they were cuddled on the bed; Sam's shaggy head under Dean's chin.

"That was…thanks Dean"

"Don't mention it, and next time you're upset, don't go drinking your ass off okay? It's a scary sight."

Thanks Dean…I couldn't ask for a greater brother…why didn't I realize this sooner…Sam smiled into Dean's chest, and soon went off to sleep.

You don't need to thank me for helping…hell…you don't even need to ask…and with that thought, Dean went of to sleep.

The End