Harry the House Elf – Now with Scrubbing Bubbles!

"Harry Potter sir is a great wizard and the greatest House Elf ever!" Dobby said brightly, smiling and bobbing his head so fast Harry was surprised it didn't come off.

"I'm a what now?" Harry asked curiously, a puzzled expression on his face as he wondered what new insanity the wizarding world was planning on springing on him.

"No one told Harry Potter sir about him being a great wizard? Dobby was sure Dobby had mentioned it before..."

"Yes you have, you have been very thorough in letting me know I'm a great wizard," Harry reassured the house elf, "But I don't believe anyone has mentioned me being a house elf before."

"What?" Dobby's eyes opened so wide that Harry was surprised his eyeballs didn't fall out.

There was a sound like popcorn popping and suddenly the Chamber of Secrets was filled with house elves. "You didn't know you was a house elf?" Winky asked.

"Not a clue," Harry assured her.

"Yous has gotta be shitting Winky!" she yelled throwing an empty butterbeer bottle against the wall of the chamber.

The elves fell to arguing amongst themselves while Winky questioned Harry. After assuring her he wasn't screwing with her she asked, "And why Harry Potter never question he survive killing curse and then sent to cook and clean for Dursleys?"

"Questions were discouraged with a boot or starvation at the Dursley's and I was sent to them because they were my only living relatives. Dumbledore said my mother's love for me blocked the killing curse."

The elves had a good laugh and Winky explained to the confused boy why they were laughing. "Yous is not the only child whose mother died to protect. Not even hundred hundred hundreds of mothers' love did squat against dark wizard's spell. No, Harry Potter sir survived because Lily cast spell to turn Harry Potter sir into house elf."

"House elves can ignore the killing curse?" Harry asked doubtfully.

"Nah," Winky waved the idea off. "House elves have to pay attention, pretend dead otherwise evil wizards find spell that work!"

"Greatest house elf Harry Potter sir turning spell not settle yet when He-Who-Does-Not-Bathe, the nose-less one attacked making spell before behave strangely. If spell settled then killing curse do nothing, instead was reflected back went boom!" Dobby explained.

"Then greatest house elf Harry Potter sir shipped off Dursleys much too early," Winky snorted, "by Dumbleydore."

"Too early for what?" Harry asked. "They were the only family I had left."

Winky looked at Harry the way he usually looked at Dumbledore after he said things that made no sense whatsoever. Like 'the truth must be protected by a bodyguard of lies'. "Harry Potter sir is a wizard not a Dursley."

"Yes, but Petunia was my mother's sister so the Dursley's were family."

Winky shook her head. "Dursley's not Harry's family, Dursley's not even human!"

"What?"

"House elves need place train, so created Dursley house; is three in England. First take giraffe, walrus and hippo then must make close to human as can. Have three so have young, middleage and old family train care for. Magic of place not let you leave until yous manage cook and clean for family hate you without showing yous using magic," Dobby explained. "Even have expert course where have bulldog made into aunt visit make life harder."

Harry just stared. "You're joking?" he finally asked.

Winky grabbed Harry and vanished, only to reappear with him several minutes later.

"The Dursley's aren't my family!" Harry yelled with some surprise, but having seen the three versions of the house peopled with Dursleys and witnessing a Dudley get replaced when the elf lost his temper and made his head explode had been very convincing.

"House elves must have training so they not be losing temper and making wizards go boom!" Dobby explained. "Dobby took expert course with bulldog, only took three times keep from popping whole family like zit," he finished proudly.

Winky nodded rapidly, her ears flopping like little wings. "Took Winky and Slutty keep Dobby calm. Dobby work off lots mad..." Winky's grin took up half her face.

Dobby grinned. "Most elveses be taking course age ten, be passing thirteen, expert course age fifteen. Work hard and do magic ways no muggle notice, specially muggles hate magic and look for. Makeses elveses really really really tolerant of assholes."

"Wow," Harry said. "And I was stuck there working since I could crawl because Dumbledore thought they were my family! How did that happen?"

"Lily live next Dursley's house elves made first try using Petunia as girl child before deciding she too cute little girl. Switched mother roll later models. Elf lose temper blow up house while little girl Petunia outside. Evans adopt Petunia and since Lily witch elves can't interfere. Dumbleydore know she adopted but stick Harry there anyway and magic of house keep elf at house until manage do work while hiding magic from magic hating Dursleys and keep temper and not kill or maim them at age 11. Harry do it and come to Hogwarts, the end," Dobby said firmly.

"I started muggle school at age six," Harry revealed, "and I never used magic while cleaning, didn't know how to and the Office of Underage Magic would snap my wand if I did."

"Great Harry Potter sir manage leave property by age six?" Dobby said loudly into the sudden silence of the other elves.

"Yeah," Harry grinned, "that's the year Petunia decided I should learn to cook since I wouldn't be around to clean during the day."

"Wow!" Dobby didn't look like he could be more impressed if Harry told him he was the second coming of Merlin.

Winky looked confused. "What mean Harry Potter sir not know house elf magic?"

"I mean I don't know how to do house elf magic," Harry said. "The only magic I know is what I've been taught."

Winky said a word so foul that Harry's mind blacked it out.

Dobby stared at Winky in horror.

AN: Typing by Godogma.

AN2: Just a crazy idea I had about the Dursleys not really being humans at all.