This one is definitely crack.
Warning: Implied YAOI. Implied DeiTobi, DeiItachi, and DeiHidan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, it wouldn't be suitable for little kiddies. Or most adults.
Deidara and Tobi were walking back from their latest mission. Actually, Deidara was walking. Tobi was kind of…bouncing. He was bouncing because…well, because he was Tobi, and he'd lost his medication. However, Tobi's partner was not happy, not at all. You see, Deidara had no more clay. He'd had to use the last of it to save his hyperactive…'friend'. Really, who the hell jumps into the middle of a shinobi bar, unarmed, mind you, waving their arms and threatening to hug anyone who resisted their 'invasion'. Apparently, Tobi did. So, Deidara had to use what was left of his clay to save the kid's sorry ass.
'Why the hell am I stuck with him, un? Leader-sama could have paired the brat off with Zetsu, but noooooooun, he has to pawn him off on me. The artist! Stuck with little, annoying, good-for-nothing –' Deidara's mental rant was cut off by a childish voice to his left. "Deidara-sempai?"
Mentally pulling out his long, blonde hair, Deidara turned to the source of his angsting. "What, un?" He grunted, imagining himself shoving a very pointy stick through the eyehole in Tobi's ridiculous orange mask.
"Uh…well, Tobi was wondering…," Tobi nervously shifted from foot to foot.
"Spit it out, un!"
"TobiwaswonderingwhyDeidara-sempaihasthreemouths!" He said in one breath, staring at Deidara's left knee. The owner of said knee turned and started walking in a new direction, muttering under his breath. His hyperactive partner sighed and ran after his, trotting to match the elder's longer strides. They walked in silence for a while Deidara glaring ahead of them, occasionally braking the silence with a curse, and Tobi staring all around the forest they had just entered. Surprisingly, when the silence broke, it was not Tobi who spoke.
"Four," Came Deidara's gruff voice.
Tobi looked at him for a moment, presumably trying to figure out what the hell it was that his partner was talking about. After about a minute, the masked boy burst out laughing. Still chuckling, he put his hand on a completely bewildered (and miffed) Deidara's shoulder to steady himself, as they were still walking. "Good one, Deidara-sempai! Tobi thinks that was a great joke! Of course there are more than four trees! HA HA HA!"
Deidara shot a venomous glare at the invasive hand on his shoulder, as though it were carrying some life-threatening disease. At the same time, he was wondering…Who had a higher I.Q. – Tobi, or Sparky, his childhood pet rock. It was a very close call. Sparky won by a nose, though. "Tobi…did you forget to take your meds again, un?"
Said man didn't answer, as he was still gripping Deidara's shoulder whilst shaking with laughter. Tobi was saying something, but Deidara could only make out odd words such as 'squirrel', 'the Gigglator', and 'wenis'. After another five minutes of walking, Tobi managed to calm down.
Wiping his eyes, the boy said, "Ah, sempai, that was a real knee-slapper!"
'Ah, Tobi, that was a real neck breaker, un…,' Deidara thought with a smirk, the sharp crack of snapping bones filling his ears. What he actually said was, "No, Tobi. It wasn't a joke, un. You were wrong before." The younger of the pair finally let go of Deidara's shoulder. He stared at his 'best friend', head slightly tilted. "Tobi was wrong? Tobi doesn't remember being wrong. Tobi is a god boy! Good boys aren't wrong! When was Tobi wrong?"
Once again, the Akatsuki duo walked in silence for quite some time before Deidara answered, Tobi being unnaturally calm and quite during this time, wondering what on Earth he could have done that was wrong. When the pair stopped at a pond to rest and get some water, Deidara once again broke the silence.
"You asked me why I have three mouths, un. But I have four. Not three, un."
Tobi, who had been crouched down and watching a colony of ants with an almost frightening fascination, snapped his head up to stare at the blonde. It was a full minute before he finally responde,d and Deidara could practically hear the gears in his head slowly turning, trying to process what was said. Eventually, Tobi looked at his hands and started counting fingers.
Slowly, he responded.
"But…but…Tobi's only seen three!" The masked boy got up and walked over to his partner. "One on your face…" He touched Deidara's lips with calloused fingers that were somehow soft. "…One on your right hand…" He moved his fingers to the palm of Deidara's right hand. "…And one on your left…" Tobi mimicked his earlier movement, but with his right hand, and Deidara's left. He stood on his tiptoes, peering into the blonde's face. "So…Tobi wonders where the other one is."
Deidara, who had been paralyzed by shock, seemed to realize that he and Tobi were holding hands. Jumping back as though burned, face flushed, he managed to stutter out, "I… It… Um… We… You… My… UN!" Tobi stared at his 'master in a way that let the blonde know he was confused, even with the mask blocking his face.
Face still the colour of the clouds on their Akatsuki cloaks, Deidara seemed to compos himself. "Come on, we need to get going, un." The blonde turned on his heel and started to walk away. He had gotten maybe a hundred yards when he realized he was alone. Whipping around, he glared at Tobi. "Come on! Leader-sama will kill us if we don't get back today, un!"
His masked compadre sat down, Indian-style, with his legs crossed, and stared at him. "No." Deidara's eyes nearly popped out of his head as his jaw hit the ground. Tobi, disobeying a direct order?!? He was supposed to be a good boy! Stupid idiot, why wouldn't he come?! The blonde marched over to his dark-haired companion and whacked him upside the head. "Why won't you come? What's wrong now, un?" Tobi just crossed his arms stubbornly and stared up at his elder. "Tobi isn't going anywhere until Deidara-sempai tells him about the fourth mouth."
The…'artist' stared at Tobi for a long moment, mouth agape. After a bit, he smiled evilly. 'We can be an hour or so late…'
"Well, then," He said in a low voice, "Why don't I show you instead, un?" Deidara started pulling off his cloak, and Tobi, as ignorant as a five year-old, jumped to his feet. "Oh, really?! Tobi is so, so happy!" Deidara's smirk widened, at least doubling in size.
"Oh, so am I Tobi. So am I, un."
When the two walked into the Akatsuki base some hours later, Tobi was limping rather badly. Hidan, who had just gotten himself a batch of fresh chocolate-chip cookies, stopped mid-chew, and elbowed Itachi.
"Looks like Deidara finally fucking decided to let Tobi in on his little 'secret', eh?" He asked the Uchiha, crumbs falling out of his mouth.
The silver-haired man thought he saw a flash of jealousy cross the raven's face, but it was gone in an instant, and Itachi responded with a quick, "Hn." Deciding someone must have drugged the cookies, Hidan took another bite, and continued, "I remembered when he showed me.It hurt like hell, and he even used fucking lube!"
The drug in Hidan's cookies is crack!
Reviewers get crack-filled cookies!
EDIT: Please, please, please, stop asking where the fourth mouth is. If you really want to know, print out the story and ask your mom, okay? Oooor, you could read the Author's Note at the top of the page, and see the implied pairings? That might give you a hint.
Edit: I know that after Chapter 362, its shown that Deidara does, in fact, have a fourth mouth. However, I wrote this fic before that chapter, so...We're gonna pretend he doesn't have that mouth, kays?
END OF SPOILER!!!