A/N: So here I am venturing into uncharted territory. Some of you may know I am an LP/BN writer. I never write outside that bubble unless something moves me and a couple nights ago I was listen to Sarah McLachlan and I thought of Brooke and boom! Out came a BL oneshot. It's angsty, very angsty and I thought that would be a turn off but then my good friend Ellie (I'm dedicating this to her for having to beta all my LP stuff) reminded me that BLers refer to themselves as masochists. So I'm guessing it'll be okay.
Let me know what you think and if I did BL some justice. And for all my LP or BN readers, I promise updates soon. I needed to get this work out of my head first.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill or Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You."
The Poison of Words
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
There were few occasions when Brooke Davis would be able to proclaim to the world that she was right. It wasn't that Brooke wasn't smart. She was, in her own way. In her own words, she was "Brooke smart not book smart." Unfortunately, the world didn't work by Brooke smarts and she had to learn to conform. And she had done well. She learned to agree with what those around her told her.
For the longest time, Brooke believed that words meant everything. The truth, it was the most powerful thing a person could possess. And she foolishly believed that the truth was told through speech, words and sayings and old adages. The truth was written and spoken. So she believed that the power of everything good in life was shown in the words one said.
She wasn't gullible though. She knew that lying and deceit were a part of life. But she also thought that she was pretty good at reading people. For most of her young life, she had become extremely talented at outing the frauds in her life. That was until she truly discovered just how strong the power of words really was.
Brooke Davis fell in love, and suddenly the validity of the words she was told didn't matter. Because the words were pretty and sweet and made her warm and fuzzy inside and she couldn't see anything beyond the initial glow they brought about. Lucas Scott was an amazing linguist. He knew how to say just the right thing to ease her worries, to make her feel like she was the only woman in the room.
But she never was and part of her always knew that. Peyton Sawyer was always there, in every aspect of her relationship with Lucas. She, after all, was the reason that they started dating. If hadn't been for her run in with the date rapist, then Lucas would have never gotten that glimpse past Brooke's façade. He would have never seen her as anything more than the loose party girl who was just looking to add another notch to her belt.
He had told her she was worth more than what her image held. He told her she was a good person. So she wanted to thank him and she brought him out for a night in her world and he wound up with a tattoo and a hangover. And she finally could say she hooked up with the broody cutie from across the tracks. But suddenly, she didn't want to just mark him off her list. She wanted more with him, a relationship. She knew she wouldn't be able to keep him as a boyfriend with the lifestyle she had, so she started looking for more than one night stands and strings of drunken hook ups. She started to try and be a quote, unquote better person. She tried to enjoy the things he did. She reached out to Peyton to find a way to connect with him.
In the end, she just screwed up and wound up looking like a fool. But Lucas quickly reassured her that she didn't need to try so hard. He told her he "gave a rat's ass." He made her think she was the only one. And in her gut, there was this tug telling her that Lucas still wasn't over Peyton. She was a rebound and the close friendship he had with Peyton would turn into something more. It was a thin line those two were treading. But she ignored it because she believed him. She believed his words because when he told them to her, he looked in her eyes. He didn't fidget or smile too widely. He didn't coat his words in "baby's" or "sweetie's." Those were all signs of a liar and Lucas Scott didn't have any of them.
No, Brooke Davis believed Lucas Scott loved her. But she got a slap in the face when she learned for the first time that words held more power than she could have ever imagined. They could be empty and shallow. The first time she fell in love had to be the one time she wished she could go back and erase every feeling, every memory she had ever held. She wanted to erase Lucas Scott from her memory. The pain was beyond bearable because not only did he not love her. He loved her best friend. He had cheated on her with the only person she had ever come to trust.
She pushed him away, promised herself she'd never think of him. And for a while, she was able to let go of him and focus on her own growth as a person. At the end of the day, she learned to smile at her reflection in the mirror, to be proud of her image. But, in the back of her mind, there was this nagging voice telling her she was doing this to prove something. She wanted to show Lucas what he had missed out on. It was to show him that Peyton wasn't the end all, be all. She wanted him to realize what he had given up. She wasn't doing this for herself. She was doing this for him.
She thought it worked. Because before she flew off to California, he came to her room and kissed her and told her he wanted them to be together. And all the sudden she was confused again. She went right back to being that scared little girl who had just gotten her heart broken. She had all summer to think about the strange explanation he gave for the Peyton box, all the cheating and heartache he had put her through, all the lies. But all she could think about was the words he told her before she left. Once again, his words blinded her and instead of actually thinking about the negatives, she put herself out there again.
Granted, she made Lucas run through a maze to prove to her that she was indeed the only one he wanted. And he passed. So she let him in and began to date him officially again. But not ten hours after they became official, he was out on the road with Peyton tracking down her birth mother and she was left worrying and wondering.
Eventually, the insecurities just kept mounting and they came to a head one rainy night when he wrote her the same words he wrote Peyton not more than a year earlier. You're my forever. And suddenly it hit her. How could someone have two forevers? How could he promise that to Peyton and then change his mind? Was she just a second choice? And it came to a climax when she walked out on him in the pouring rain. He chased her down and gave her a speech about how much he loved her. Why he loved her.
In her mind, she just wanted him to stop talking so she could keep running. It was at that point she knew in her heart this wasn't going to end well. It was then when she felt his words pull her back in that she knew nothing had been solved, only smoothed over with his damn words. And she kissed him with everything she had and for that moment, it was okay. Because once again, she fell into that haze where words equaled truth.
She quickly learned that it wasn't enough. His words weren't enough to make a relationship work. Eventually his actions caught up with him. She truly believed she could have made their relationship work despite the revelation that Peyton loved her boyfriend. She thought they were stronger than that. But then he tells her he's kissed Peyton again and she can't believe anything that he ever told her. Because a kiss always means something. It speaks louder than any words the two have ever exchanged. Because once again, Lucas put Peyton before them.
And her heart breaks all over again.
Fast forward, past Peyton admitting she still loved Lucas, past her and Lucas's fated break-up, past her relationship with a philandering teacher. Stop right at the moment she asks Lucas whom he wants to be with when all his dreams come true. And for the first time she understands that words aren't everything. Because Lucas doesn't say. No. He doesn't give her a speech about how much he loves Peyton. He doesn't say a word. He just smiles that charming smile and glances over at the blonde in question. And she tells Lucas to go and again, he doesn't say a thing, but he goes. And just like that, Peyton and Lucas are together.
No drama. No speeches. No need to "get on the same page." They're in love just like that. And if Brooke's honest with herself, it makes her sick to think how easy it is for them to just fall into a relationship. She watches how Peyton can just look at Lucas and Lucas can just look at Peyton and they don't have to say a word to know what the other one thinks. When she and Peyton made up, she remembers asking Peyton how she knew Lucas really loved her. It was awkward to ask, but she had to know.
"I just know," Peyton shrugged. She didn't elaborate. But Brooke didn't need to hear more.
Actions speak louder than words. Some where in the haze that Lucas had created that old adage had slipped away. But she now realized how true it was. Lucas had always done things for Peyton even when they weren't together. He called Jake when he thought that's what she wanted. He went with her to track down her birth mother. He had run into a school building, where a gunman could have been picking off people left and right, just to save her. Some of those things could pass as things a friend would do for another friend, but all three of them together, especially the last one meant something more.
More than any words could say.
She finally gets over Lucas and she admits it takes a little help from Chase, her first normal boyfriend. He's the first guy who's not just looking to get in her pants, the first guy who's just as vulnerable and insecure as her, the first guy who doesn't give her long speeches and over dramatic love declarations. It may not be that "forever type of love" but it's something close to a real high school relationship. And she notices how much she's able to grow under his influence. Unlike Lucas, he doesn't build her up with words. He stands behind her and watches her walk on her own two feet. He congratulates her at the end of the day and supports her. But he doesn't take the credit for her growth and for once Brooke doesn't feel the need to give credit to him. She does the growing for herself.
It feels good.
But she knew she'd be tested to see if she had really learned her lesson. She didn't know how but she just felt it in the back of her mind as they headed towards graduation. Then it came. The moment where she had to prove to herself and to everyone else that she had learned the emptiness of words.
"Brilliant and beautiful and brave. In two years, she'd grown more than anyone I had ever known. Brooke Davis is gonna change the world someday. And I'm not sure she even knows it."
She listened and she smiled but she didn't put all her hope in them. She wanted to believe that she was all of those things, but his words no longer blinded her. So for the first time, she didn't fall hard and fast for him. She didn't feel any pain when he walked away back into her best friend's arms. For the longest time, he had been the driving force behind her life. But she realized at that moment, Lucas Scott was no longer her entire world.
And now, she sits watching him battle his brother on the basketball court. Every once and awhile he'll send Peyton a small smile or wink. Peyton will giggle back. Brooke just snuggles closer to Chase and she thinks about Lucas. She reflects over what they had gone through.
She silently thanks him for opening her heart for the very first time. She thanks him for making her believe that love existed, and not everyone would wind up like her parents, bitter and broken. She thanks him for his kisses, and his touch, which made her feel whole. She thanks him for the love declarations, for the warmth they brought to her even if they were lies. She thanks him for his love, even if it wasn't as true as she thought it was.
She thanks him for teaching her heartache and despair, for showing her the pain that love brought, not once but twice. For without that pain, she would have never learned to grow. She thanks him for walking into her life and for walking out of it so many times. And as she lists off the things she's grateful for, she feels a small tear roll down her cheek. No one notices because they're all absorbed in the game unfolding in front of them. She doesn't bother to stop it, relishing in the cool feeling it brings as it slides down her porcelain skin.
She tells herself that this will be the last tear she cries for Lucas Scott. She knows in her heart she's right.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Thanks again to Ellie (Elliemo) and Milla (Camilla19) for beta'ing this! Go read their works. They're both amazing BL writers.