Relationships

Oliver has decided to write a book...

Oliver is in normal writing. Lilly is in italics.

I, Oliver Oken, have decided to write a book.

A book? More like a leaflet.

A book. A book about the ups and downs of my many relationships.

Ups? What ups? And I don't think one relationship qualifies as many, Oliver.

Four actually. I've had four relationships.

How many times do I have to tell you: we did not go out. We were young, and I wanted your crayons. Comprende?

Sure Lilly. Whatever you say. Anyway. Back to my book. It's going to be all about my social life, and my past dating experiences. I plan to include every detail, and also add tips for any other wannabe 'Smokin Okens' that may be out there. What are you doing?

Trying to prevent my sides splitting. Your social life? Oliver, you wouldn't know a social life if it came and bit you. Hannah Montana has a social life. You? You don't.

I thought you were here to help!

I offered to come over. Not help write your memoirs.

Well when you offer to come over, you have to expect the unexpected. I can't just drop everything because you're here.

Of course you couldn't! How could I expect you to stop writing your autobiography just because your best friend decides to visit you?

I am going to ignore you.

Good luck with that.

Thank you. Now, I am going to ignore you.

Good luck with that.

Thank you. Now I am going to ignore you.

Good luck -

Shut up! Okay. So, let's start with my first ever relationship. Or should I start from when I was born? Because I was smokin hot, even then. Are you laughing Lilly?

Of course not.

Good. I may as well begin from the day I was born. Okay. So, it was about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and my darling mom was on her hands and knees, cleaning the kitchen floor. I don't know why, because it probably hasn't been cleaned since then, but whatever. And then her water -

Oliver. Please skip to your first relationship. I don't want to hear this. It's mildly disturbing.

Okay. But you won't like this either. Right. My first relationship was in preschool. With a little blonde girl that you might be familiar with.

For the last time. I did not go out with you in preschool. I wanted your crayons.

So you wanted to go out with my crayons?

How can a human being go out with crayons?

Aww, Lilly honey. You're not a human being, so it would be perfectly okay for you to date objects.

First of all: honey? We're not in the Sixties. And I think you're confusing me with yourself. Because no human being decides to write a book about their failed relationships.

Hey! They are not all failed, okay? They just didn't all work out.

Same difference.

Okay. We'll skip the first relationship.

WHAT RELATIONSHIP? THERE WAS NO RELATIONSHIP!

Onto the second relationship. Hannah Montana.

Oh my god. Seriously, have you taken your medication today?

What? I totally stood a chance. And her dog kissed me. You know, people always send their dogs in first, so that they can check them out.

MILEY IS HANNAH! HANNAH IS MILEY! Didn't she tell you this?

But Lilly, I'm not talking about Miley. I'm talking about before she was Miley.

Oliver, she has always been Miley. She has been Miley her whole life. I think you'll find that Hannah was the made up one.

Whatever. Look, I want to write about Hannah.

I'm sorry. She's counted as one of your relationships? So, so far, out of your four 'relationships', none of them count?

This does count! And the last one did too. You just wouldn't admit it.

Admit what?

That you went out with me because you liked me.

Oh, yeah right. Because in preschool you know what a crush feels like.

So you do admit it.

Oliver? Do me a favour?

Anything.

Shut up.

No. Fine, I'll skip the second relationship. Onto the third. Becca Weller.

Okay. This one I'll allow. Even if it was unorthodox.

Good. Miley and Lilly told me that Becca had a crush on me. So, I very casually went up to her, and asked her out.

Psh, yeah right. You went up to her, and said 'my Robbie name is hi'. Now that doesn't make sense to begin with, but throw in the fact that your name isn't Robbie, and you have typical Oliver.

Lilly! Shut up! Okay? Anyway. We went out. And then Miley and Lilly told me that Becca was cheating on me, and I believed her. Stupidly. Because it turned out that SHE WASN'T! Anyway, Miley tried to fix it, but just sort of made it worse. Because she dumped me anyway.

She did?

What? I didn't tell you that?

No, you did not. You just said 'it didn't work between us'. Which as far as me and Miley were concerned, could've meant anything at all.

Oh. My bad. Anyway, onto the final relationship. Miley's cousin, Luann.

Did you hear that Oliver?

Hear what?

The sound of my eyes rolling. I would've thought you'd be used to it by now.

What now? Luann really dug me. I mean, she was willing to kiss me.

Oh yeah. Because no other girl would come within a mile of your lips.

I seem to remember you did.

Are we back to the preschool thing? Can't you just drop it?

No, we're not back to the preschool thing. We're not going as far back as that. In sixth grade, you kissed me.

When?

At the school dance. I was bummed because nobody said they'd go with me, and you kissed me - on the lips, might I add - and said that I could've asked you.

Why don't I remember this? Oh yeah. Because it was in your dreams.

No, seriously. My dreams are better than that. I'm being honest! You kissed me, and said I could've asked you! Why would I lie?

Why isn't this on your relationships chart?

Because it was a kiss, and I don't qualify that as a relationship. A relationship is more deep, and meaningful. From the soul. And don't give me that look, Lilly.

What look? This what-the-heck-are-you-yabbering-about look?

No. That Oliver-you're-a-complete-doughnut look.

Oh Oliver. That's just the common look that people give you. It's like... you attract it.

It's not the only thing I attract.

Excuse me while I laugh. HA!

Funny Lilly. Real funny.

Well I try.

Not hard enough. Anyway. Back to my last relationship. Luann. You know, if she wasn't pure evil, I might have given her a shot.

You may as well give Miley a shot then.

Uh, no. She may look exactly like her, but they are different. Plus, Luann was willing to kiss me. Whereas Miley wasn't.

Do you blame her?

Hello, who doesn't want a piece of Smokin Oken?

Try any sane person.

Oh yeah? Well, what about Becca Weller?

I said sane, Oliver.

Ooh, jealous are we?

Of what? Becca?

I don't see you insulting anyone else.

You obviously haven't been listening to me then, doughnut.

Ooh, burn. Anyway, so there you have. My four relationships.

Out of which, one was an actual relationship. Sorta. And even then, that ended with you getting dumped.

I did not get dumped. We went our separate ways.

Yeah. She went to another guy, and you went to your room and cried.

I did not cry!

Much.

Lilly... shut up!

So is that seriously it? Your book? Because if it was, I can almost guarantee that nobody will buy it. It was less than a page long.

It was for those of us who don't enjoy a lot of reading.

It was for people like you, who can't read a lot.

It was for people like you, who need a good laugh. Wait. That didn't come out right.

Neither did you.

Shut up.

You.

You.

You.

You.

Can we do something now? And not sit here and write ten lines about your failed relationships. If you can even call them that.

They did not fail.

They ended. Kaput. Finito. I'd call that a failure.

I'd call it unsuccessful.

Oliver, whichever way you spin it, you're single.

So are you!

I fail to see your point.

You're single. So you can't really insult me for being single, when you are. That's being hypocritical.

Wow. You know what hypocritical means?

Hey. Can we write a book about your relationships next?

This is sort of an experiment. It was just fun to write, and I understand if you hate it, but it seemed a bit of fun.

I'm not gonna be able to update Baby's Coming Back until Saturday, because I'm going to a concert tomorrow. I will be mentally writing though, so hopefully you'll have a decent update on Saturday.

Anyway. Review if you liked this... :-)