A/N: This story could not have been possible with the gutter minds of my friends at Team Edward… there are way to many to name.. but you know who you are! Also thanks to the lex for all these… interesting ideas!
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters/innuendo's mentioned they all belong to the Twilight Lexicon or Stephenie Meyer.
'Bella, can you pass me the clorox!' Edward called down from his room
'Clorox? Are you cleaning your cd's again Edward?' Bella said tossing him the bottle
'Um, something like that.' Edward said spraying it on his hand and rubbing them
'Are you alright Edward?' Bella asked staring at his now soaked hands
'I was fine… until I had a talk with Jasper and Emmett.'
'What did you talk about?'
'Oh, you really don't want to know.' Edward said
'Yes I do.' Bella replied leaning into a passionate kiss from Edward
'Fine, but you should keep the Clorox near you just incase!'
Earlier that night:
'Hahaha! Jasper that's awesome!' Emmett laughed on the couch
'Jasper I heard that!' Edward said walking towards his brothers
'Aww come on Edward, it's only us guys!'
'Yea, you two and Carlisle. What an entertaining conversation that will be!' Emmett said 'I mean, Bella hasn't even seen any lollipops yet!' he snickered
'So that's what you were talking about.' Carlisle said strolling into the room
'Wait… how do you know about that?' Edward questioned as Carlisle sat down next to him
'Oh you learn quite a bit in the hospital, with all those female nurses squealing.' Carlisle replied 'I mean, I bet you guys have never heard of a banana!'
'Banana? I thought that was a fruit.' Edward questioned.
'Ahh, I forgot about Edward's virgin ears.' Jasper replied
'Shut up Jasper" Edward scolded as he kicked Jasper with his foot. 'Well, I heard people thinking about bananas but I never thought they meant that! Wow… forks has such a gutter mind!'
'Oh, you don't know the half of it! I mean, I used to think it was so cute when Esme talked about us baking together…but, well, now that we actually did that… I'm extremely happy she told me about it.' Carlisle replied
'Carlisle stop! I don't want to have to picture my father baking with my mother! Aw, you made me think about it!' Emmett snickered
'Emmett! I can hear you thinking about how Rose must be a better cookie baker then Esme and It's grossing me out!' Edward yelled
'Rose over my darling? No way Emmett!' Carlisle smirked
'Well, Alice could blow you both out of the closet….literally. Jasper said smiling
'Is this what you guys do while I'm with Bella?'
'Uh, yea basically…we even had some er.. spoodurance trials.' Emmett grinned
'Don't remind me!' Carlisle said rolling his eyes
'Spoo….durance?' Edward asked puzzled 'Oh god Jasper that is sickly!'
'Hey, it's not our fault you're a novice in that area!' winked Emmett
'Not this again.' Edward mumbled
'So Carlisle… did you bring home any cupcakes yesterday?' Jasper asked practically bursting with laughter
'Cupcakes?' Edward asked
'Yea, the girls at the hospital made me er… a Carlisle cupcake…'
'Jasper, don't you mean help make these delicious cupcakes?' Emmett said busting out with laughter
'That was only once! And I didn't know!' Carlisle defended
'CARLISLE! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DO THAT?!' Edward gaped
'Edward, I didn't know I had such, um, interesting fans.'
'Yea right Carlisle... if you were a human you would be blushing!' Edward said
'Oh, this will be a classic gunslinger moment!' Emmett said sitting up in anticipation
'Well, then Mr. Edward…. what about your lollipops…. if you have any?' asked Carlisle 'I mean, Jasper told me about your… needs, and you told Bella no when she asked you….'
'I do to have lollipops!! I even named them!! Boo-Boo and Ben Dover!' Edward said
'Yea right, I bet they're those tiny dum-dum lollipops… now we on the other hand have those big rainbow ones!' Jasper said grinning
'And how would you know Jasper.' Edward said 'Do you look?'
'Well, considering that they painted my lollipops with GLOW PAINT while it was um…. bulging… I think they have some pretty good sources.' Carlisle said glaring at Emmett and Jasper.
'Aww come one! Esme thought that one was hilarious!' Emmett managed to say between fits of laughter.
'Oh yea… well Rose thought your stripper pole and um… choice of undergarments was also hilarious!' Carlisle replied
'Haha! I remember pinky... the bra!' Jasper smirked at a stone faced Emmett. 'And that reminds me Carlisle… how does your red speedo fit?'
'Don't remind me.' Carlisle replied
'Guys we're home!' called Alice
'Finally, some decent conversation!' Edward said.
'We bought some doughnuts for Bella tomorrow, they were on sale!' Esme replied
'Oh god.' Edward said as the three men cracked up with laughter
'Okay… we'll be good now… sex Edward' Jasper managed to say
'Ugh, this is humiliating.' Edward said 'I'm leaving…'
'Oh, Edward... you might want to wash your hands after sitting on that couch.' Emmett said
'Well, Rose was having a little tennis match with me and—'
'THAT'S ALL I WANT TO KNOW! IM LEAVING TO GET BELLA!' Edward said as he stormed out of the house. 'I HEARD THAT EMMETT…EWW!
'What's wrong with Edward?' Esme asked sitting next to the doctor
'Oh, he was just, um, missing Bella a little too much.'
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'So that's the story of why I'm Cloroxing my hands.' Edward said to Bella.
'EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN! That is just plain nasty!' Bella shrieked
'I warned you… ' Edward grinned
'So… is it true about your er… friends?' Bella said
'Not you too Bella!' Edward said rolling his eyes.