WARNING: THIS IS A HARRY POTTER SPOOF ABOUT DUMBLEDORE. IF YOU HAVE BACK OR NECK PROBLEMS, ARE PREGNANT, TAKE OFFENSE TO DUMBLEDORE JOKES, OR ARE BELOW THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENTS, I AM AFRAID WE MUST ASK YOU TO LEAVE. THANK YOU!
a/n: I respect Dumbledore deeply. He was really, really cool. I think that if Dumbledore truly existed, he would have appreciated this story. Thank you for reading. I also wrote this in about five minutes at midnight. Shudders. Please don't kill me.
Hugs, Not Drugs
Once upon a time there was an evil wizard named Voldemort. Voldemort was really evil. Voldemort was so evil that he tried to kill EVERYBODY who he didn't like. He even was so evil that he killed people he did like. Voldemort especially hated muggles and muggle-borns. Why? We'll never know.
Anyway, one day, Voldemort's goody-two-shoes archenemy named Dumbledore was pouring over his desk, trying to discover the way to destroy Voldemort ONCE AND FOR ALL and banish him forever from Harry Potter Land. Dumbledore thought of everything. From Repo to plagues to extortion (or is that blackmailing? Better ask Hermione, he thought expertly) to a herd of angry centaurs to poisoned unicorn blood to Hungarian Horntails to the lake to Moaning Murtle to strangling him with his own socks (although Dobby, he realized later, might object to this). Anyway, Dumbledore finally found a solution. So he spent the next five minutes writing a speech on the solution. Once that was done, he ran around Hogwarts while invisible, teasing Snape the Village Idiot and playing pranks on Peeves (who was very peeved, if I do say so myself).
The next morning dawned very brightly, and Dumbledore planted a new hippie cap on his head to celebrate and ran to the Great Hall, his blue eyes twinkling with excitement. Everyone was sure to be IMPRESSED BIG TIME! After all, it wasn't every day that you solved the Riddle. Har har har. (That was a pun, for those of you that are slow).
Anyway, he hurried to the Great Hall (it was raining, he noticed, by the look of things- he made a quick mental note to grab an umbrella, and not Hagrid's, like last time, because pink is not a manly color. Not that he cared or anything), and stood up at his seat. McGonagall looked at him funny, but then again, it may just have been because she was an Animagus who transformed into a cat.
Everyone was enjoying their pumpkin juice and kidney pie (even though it was breakfast, but who cares in Harry Potter Land?) when Dumbledore whistled. Loudly.
"Attention, my wonderful students! I have found a solution to the Riddle! Har har har- that was a pun, for those of you who are slow!" Dumbledore chuckled. McGonagall elbowed him in the ribs. He made a mental note to poison her Meow Mix next time he fed her. "Anyway, after careful deliberation, I have discovered the way to defeating Lord Whatzicallit, um, Moldywarts- I mean, hehe," under his breath, he added, to McGonagall, "Ten galleons says I can make them fall out of their seats." He turned back to the students. "I have discovered how to defeat LORD VOLDEMORT!"
And, as if on cue, everyone fell out of their seats, except for Harry, because he's a big tough guy who has a lightning bolt on his forehead.
"Haha," Dumbledore laughed. "I love making people do that."
"Get on with the speech!" McGonagall hissed.
"All right all right, don't hiss at me you stupid ball of fur," Dumbledore retorted, fixing his hat (thankfully, hippie hats take vows of silence during times of war- world peace, man, world peace- so this one didn't sing annoyingly at random opening feasts). "Anyway, I have discovered the solution after researching Voldemort's- haha! Made you fall out of your seat again! Woo-hoo! Ten more galleons for me, Minerva! Lemon drops!- life. Growing up, he had no love. LOVE IS IMPORTANT. Repeat after me- LOVE IS IMPORTANT!"
"Love is important," repeated about a quarter of the students, half-heartedly. Cho cried into her kidney pie. Love is DUMB! She thought. And then she died for thinking it was dumb. Marietta, her stupid friend who was too busy dabbing ProActive on her pimples, didn't even notice. Some friend, Cho's ghost thought.
"YES! Love is very important! And Lord Voldemort never got any love, did he?- made you fall AGAIN! You people are idiots!- So I have decided that all he needs is a big HUG!" Dumbledore stretched his arms out wide, grinning. "Hugs, not drugs, students."
Two hours later Colin Creevey, armed with his camera, went to give Lord Voldemort- haha, did you fall out of your seat???!!- a hug. He never returned. His ghost recommends drugs next time- but warns that they are addicting.
This story was made in tribute to the greatest fictional wizard to ever not exist. He was a pretty cool guy. We will miss him- in the seventh movie and the seventh book. We love you, Dumbles!