When it becomes abundantly clear the impact that growing up without a family has had on Naruto, Jiraiya steps in to teach him what he needs to know. In the process, he lets it slip that he has a kid of his own, which kicks off a mission for Naruto to seek out any remnants of the family he never had. (Rated M for language, sexuality, and crude humor)
Okay, so I am going to be starting a new story. Hopefully with this one I can fix a lot of the flaws that came up in my last one, No One Else But Me. This time around, I will not be using the elements of romance and tragedy to support the plot, so it should not get anywhere near as dark, or for that matter, dark at all. Also, I plan to maintain at least a mild level of humor through out, unlike in the last one that was only funny in the beginning. So without further ado, let the adventure begin!
A Brief History of Life
"Come single guy and gal unto me pay attention
Don't ever fall in love
It's the devil's own invention
For once he fell in love with a maiden so bewitching
Miss Henrietta Bell down in Captain Kelly's kitchen"
-Dropkick Murphys, Captain Kelly's Kitchen
Chapter 1: Sex Ed
He didn't see what the big deal was. One moment he was walking down the street saying hello to Hinata, as he was about to pass her, and the next moment she was passed out on the sidewalk, a startled expression permanently etched into her face. Unlike most times when Hinata had passed out, her eyes were still wide open in surprise, which made for an almost comical look of shock as she lay rather awkwardly on the ground. In fact, Naruto probably would have laughed if he weren't so dumbstruck and confused.
To Naruto's left stood Jiraiya, who was apparently trying to hide his face behind his overlarge hand out of sheer embarrassment. Naruto bent down next to Hinata and started poking her in the ribs, hoping to wake her up.
"Naruto, you jackass, did you have to do that!"
He snapped his head around to look up at Jiraiya, "It's not my fault! I tripped!" he yelled at him.
"No, but did you have to grab her chest to keep yourself from falling?"
"I just kinda reacted! I was falling and her great big boobs were right there!" Hinata, who had come to in the middle of their argument, turned a rather nice shade of scarlet and decided it would be best to feign unconsciousness.
"And what's so wrong about it anyway?" Naruto yelled, "I see you clinging to boobs all the time! It's not like they're special or do anything!" Not paying attention to what he was doing, Naruto's hand, which had previously been poking Hinata in the side had drifted north, and was at present poking Hinata in the breast. In one of her most valiant fights to date, Hinata was struggling not to pass out again, in the mean time turning, if it was even possible, an even darker shade of red (so dark now, she perhaps could have been classified as purple).
"Naruto! Look where you're touching her!"
"Huh?" Naruto said, as he quickly withdrew his hand, "I still don't get it though, what's the big deal?"
"The big deal," Jiraiya said with a huff as he crossed his arms, "is that you practically felt her up! Hell, you might as well have mounted her and had sex with her right on the sidewalk, as shy as Hinata is!"
Hinata lost her fight.
Naruto cocked an eyebrow with a quizzical look on his face, "What the hell is sex? And why the hell would I mount her? It's not like she was going to give me a piggy back ride or something."
This was one of the few moments in his life that Jiraiya had actually found himself completely and utterly dumbfounded. Regaining his composure, he shot Naruto a nasty look, "Don't be stupid," he spat, "Honestly, I know your thick, Naruto, but no way you could be that dumb! You have to know what sex is! You're always tailing me around, aren't you?"
"I'm a fucking orphan!" Naruto spat, "Or did you forget that I never had a father to teach me things?"
Jiraiya was taken aback. Sure he was right, he never did have a father for those things, but he figured he would have at least gotten the sex talk from somewhere else.
"All right then," he grumbled, "I guess I'll have to teach you. It's my responsibility after all…" Only recently, Tsunade had appointed Jiraiya as Naruto's legal guardian. Whether she did this out of sympathy for Naruto or out of spite for Jiraiya was yet unknown. "Let's go get some ramen then. I'll explain over lunch."
"But…what about Hinata?" Naruto asked with some concern as they walked away.
Jiraiya glanced over his shoulder at her. "She was faking it."
By this time she had come to again and was sitting up.
"How do you know she was faking it?"
"Women fake a lot of things, Naruto, but we won't get to that part for another hour."
Naruto had spent the last two hours sitting next to Jiraiya as he listened to his description of how the human body worked, the best way to please a woman, and even how to sweet talk a hooker into a freebie. It had been an hour before he even touched his noodles, and by then they had gotten cold. Most of the time he only sat and stared into the abyss, his eyes glazed over with a vacant expression. Halfway through, Jiraiya had gotten frustrated with Naruto not understanding many of his vulgar hand gestures and mimes and had attempted to hire one of the passing girls to help him demonstrate, earning him a nice hard slap across the face from Sakura.
"Now if there's anything you remember from this chat we've had, remember this:" he said, as they exited the restaurant, "always use protection."
"Even with hookers?"
"Especially with hookers!" Jiraiya shouted, "It's their job to sleep with guys! You never know what they might have! I've had almost every STD out there at some point or another, and not one of them is pleasant!"
"What about if you want to marry the girl?" he asked
"Even then, Naruto. Nothing is certain, and the last thing you want at your age is a kid of your own to take care of. I can tell ya'…"
"Wait," Naruto said, coming to a stop, "You mean you have a kid?"
"Err…" Jiraiya mumbled as he averted his gaze.
Naruto started emphatically flailing his arms like a bird trying to take flight. "Who is it? When was this! Can we meet him? If he's your son he has to be a great ninja! Maybe he could teach me some super cool jutsus!"
"…Forget I mentioned him, okay Naruto?"
"But I want to…!"
"I said drop it! Okay!?" People were beginning to stare at them. "We never got along after he found out I was his father. We had a big fight just a few days before he died. I don't like to talk about him."
"Can't you at least…"
"No!" Jiraiya yelled at him, "Now go home."
"Where are you going?" Naruto asked him as Jiraiya began to walk away.
"To get wasted. If I head it off now, when I wake up in the morning I might be lucky enough to not remember him at all."
As Jiraiya sulked off to the nearest bar, Naruto couldn't help but wonder as to who Jiraiya's son could be. As he sat on the sidewalk, he couldn't help but let his curiosity get the better of him.
Slowly, Naruto got to his feet and leapt to the nearest rooftop.
Jiraiya's apartment was only a block from where he was, so it took him only a matter of moments to reach it.
Naruto landed softly on the roof, just above one of Jiraiya's windows. Leaning carefully over the edge, Naruto was able to wiggle his way inside.
He thought that there would be more to see than there was, but apparently Jiraiya preferred to live simply. There were a few drawings of naked women "tastefully" done that hung on his wall. In the corner, he could see that there was a small potted plant about three feet high. As he continued deeper into the apartment, he passed by a modest kitchen and a small table, on which lay scattered notes that upon inspection, proved only to be notes referring to his upcoming third installment to the Icha Icha series.
Proceeding to the back, he found himself in a bedroom, which was as sparsely decorated as the rest of the apartment. There were only a few pictures in there. One was an old tattered photo of himself with Orochimaru, Tsunade and the Third, which was apparently the picture of his team as a kid. Next to that picture was one with an older Jiraiya as team leader over a very young Yondaime and two other ninjas he did not recognize. The other two pictures were not as formal, one was of Tsunade and Jiraiya standing on either side of the Fourth, and the other was a picture of Naruto and Jiraiya together shortly after he had been "adopted". The photos sat on a ledge just above a very large bed that, judging by the sag in the middle, had gotten a fair amount of use.
There was a click in the lock and Naruto realized the Jiraiya may not have gone to the bar after all. Hurriedly, he scampered out the bedroom window to make his escape. The subject, he knew, was a bit touchy with Jiraiya, and the last thing he wanted was to confront him about it after breaking in to his home.
There was one last option he felt he could check to get some information about Jiraiya's son. Tsunade had been childhood friends with Jiraiya, (though they were often at odds) so perhaps she might be able to tell him something. Quickly he made his way to Hokage Tower and walked up the stairs and down the hall to Tsuade's office.
Naruto knocked on the door with mild determination, and a voice called back to him.
He pulled open the door and entered slowly, taking a seat once he was inside.
"What do you need, Naruto?" Tsunade asked, only half interested as she was filing papers away.
"Well, Jiraiya mentioned something about having a kid, and I was wondering if you knew anything about him."
She paused and the file slipped from her fingers, drifting to the floor. There was hesitation in her eyes. "…Why do you want to know about him?"
Naruto shrugged, "Just kind of curious," he muttered.
"Curiosity alone is not enough to entitle you to that information, Naruto,"
"Well, what if it is part of the village history?"
"Why would that change anything?"
"Well if I'm going to be the next hokage, I need to know the history of the village, or something…" Naruto knew he was fighting a loosing battle. Tsunade was right, he had no real right to inquire into Jiraiya's personal life.
"…Fine, I'll tell you. Neither of those reasons are really good enough, but there is another reason you are entitled to know, but you'll understand when you're older."
"Umm," Naruto muttered, "okay, so who is he? And how do you know him?"
"First you have to promise me not to tell anyone what I am about to tell you, especially Jiraiya."
"I promise," Naruto said hesitantly.
"All right then," Tsunade paused for a moment, "…as for how I know him," she paused again, making it all too apparent that she didn't really want to talk about it, "it's because I'm the mother."
I hope you enjoyed that I have the general idea of the story planned out, and I will take my notebook along with me this weekend to get some planning done for the next chapter or two. I hope to have chapter two out by the middle of next week.
As always, comments, both positive and negative are highly appreciated! As this is a new story, they will help me especially to form this story in to something great!