The Epic Quest for a First Date
By Sakura Uchiha
Summary: Sasuke didn't realize asking Naruto for help would be a bad idea until it was too late. Now, the entire village seems to be in some way involved in 'helping.'
A/N: Heheh... yes, I know, I already have two other multichaptered fics going, but this is short! This will prob end up being about 3 chapters, maybe even four, but I doubt it. PLEASE REVIEW!!
Chapter One: So It Begins
"So, bastard... how is..." Naruto glanced around surreptitiously before lowering his voice and leaning across the booth conspiratorially, "mission: Blossom Date' going?"
Sasuke scowled and kicked Naruto's leg under the table. As soon as he had told the fox boy his dilemma three weeks ago, he had regretted it. To be honest, he didn't understand why he had the brainy idea to tell him in the first place.
Since then, Naruto had been everything except for helpful. His idea of "help" had included conspicuous pointing and whispering that most of the deaf people in Konoha probably heard, along with a healthy dosage of teasing that was beginning to be too much for the ex-avenger.
The two young men sat in Ichiraku, as they usually did after training sessions. Ever since Sasuke's return three years ago, they had fallen back into their strange friendship that consisted of Sasuke glaring and wanting to hit Naruto on the head, and Naruto laughing evilly and gleefully while running away in a cloud of dust before the Uchiha could pound him into a bloody fox pulp.
"I told you. No progress." Sasuke muttered, looking down. Naruto sighed, and shook his head.
"Sasuke, Sasuke... how are you ever going to go on a date with the fair Haruno Sakura and make her Uchiha Sakura if you don't ask?!" He waved his arms around to emphasize, managing to attract stares.
Sasuke sunk in his seat. The problem was... he'd assumed Sakura would ask him eventually like she always had before. Annoyingly enough, she continued to hug him every time she saw him, and always made sure he was eating healthy... but she didn't ask him out like she used to. This was Sasuke's problem.
He shrugged, trying to look indifferent. "She's too weak anyway- OW! What was that for, you clumsy moron!?" Sasuke yelled, wiping the ramen and broth off of his face. Naruto grinned, satisfied.
"Don't you dare start up on one of those strength lectures of yours. Sakura is a jounin now, soon to be ANBU. You know that. You're just making excuses! Kiss the girl! Ask her out! Buy her flowers! It's not that hard, bastard! Live large! You only live once! Carpe diem-"
"That's enough, dobe." Sasuke snapped. He crossed his arms and scowled at everyone that dare look at the two ninja.
Naruto's mouth broke into a grin that widened until he was grinning from ear to ear. Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I don't like that look on your face, dobe..."
Naruto rubbed his hands together. "Shut up, bastard. I have a plan."
Sakura's house was a small, tidy cottage in between two large houses. It had a garden in the front, with a bush on either side of the front door. Naruto stood at the front door while Sasuke waited in a bush. Naruto had a 'disguise' on, which consisted of an overcoat, sunglasses, a fake handlebar mustache, and a green wig. He looked like a cross between Shino and a circus ringleader. He held a clipboard and pen in his hand. He rapped on the door. Sakura poked her head out. She was holding a bowl of rice and appeared to have been in the middle of eating.
"Um... can I help you?" She asked, her normally chipper voice laced with suspicion. She raised a pink eyebrow and frowned, surveying the ridiculous spectacle before her. Naruto coughed.
"-ahem- I'm taking a poll. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?" His voice was muffled by the mustache and difficult to understand. Sakura shrugged, and Naruto nodded.
"Excellent! Okay. Who do you think is the best looking guy in Konoha?"
Sakura tapped a finger to her mouth, quirking her head and looking up in thought. Sasuke recognized this expression; she looked like this when she was reading medical textbooks.
"I guess... well, the obvious answer is Sasuke." Sakura chuckled. "But you know, Neji is pretty cute too!" She blushed and the bush rustled a bit. Naruto coughed loudly to mask the sound. He pretended to write Sakura's answer down.
"Okay! Of those two, who would you get married to and have children with, and who would you have wild sex with?"
The unassuming bush hissed something that sounded like, "I did NOT agree to that one!" Naruto kicked the bush and Sakura's jade eyes widened in confusion.
"Er... well, that's a bit of a personal question. I guess, since I know Sasuke better, I'd rather marry him." She answered thoughtfully, after a few minutes. Naruto beamed, and inside the bush Sasuke fell silent. Well, that didn't technically mean she liked him.
"Okay! Final question: if you could go out on a date with any ninja in Konoha, who would you choose to go out with?"
Sakura thought for a moment. "I guess Naruto, since he's so unfailingly sweet to me. I know I'd have fun with him!" She smiled. Naruto choked, but, to keep up appearances, scribbled something down on the clipboard.
"Well, that's it. Thank you for your time, young lady!" Naruto waved. Sakura waved back and went back inside.
"YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, DOBE!"
"IT'S NOT MY FAULT! DON'T KILL ME!! GAHHH!"
The two shinobi were merely a blur of orange, then of black, as Sasuke chased Naruto all over Konoha, attracting many a confused stare. Finally, in a clearing, Sasuke caught up with the kyuubi-bearer, gripping him by the collar and holding him up, staring down into his eyes with the sharingan. Naruto struggled in his grip.
"Sasuke bastard! Gah! Get off! I have no control over-" He stopped when Sasuke let him go and turned shortly on his heel, storming a few feet away. With his back to Naruto, he stomped on the ground.
"Why doesn't she like me anymore?!" He yelled to the sky. Naruto sighed, his cerulean eyes softening.
"Well, y'know, you kinda ignored her completely, then you ran off and killed people for a few years. It may have diminished your appeal a bit?" Naruto winced, waiting for Sasuke to turn around and rip him to orange-colored shreds. He relaxed when he realized that Sasuke remained with his back turned. Naruto tiptoed over to his best friend and reached up to place a hand on the taller man's shoulder. Sasuke looked up and Naruto covered his face with his hands. He knew that look. That was the "I'm Sasuke and I refuse to not get what I want" look. He sighed for the second time. "...Alright. I'm sure you already have the perfect plan formulated. What do I have to do?"
Tsunade's pretty eyes crinkled in amusement as she laughed softly at the two men before her. Naruto rubbed his head and his stomach rumbled while Sasuke scowled, looking sour as usual.
"I was wondering when you'd finally stop living in denial." Tsunade giggled and patted Sasuke lightly on the head, much to his dismay. "Of course I'll help. Anything to make you guys finally get together." She rolled her eyes and waved for the boys to follow. She led them down the hall to her office, where Sakura had her cubicle.
"Tomorrow, I'll make sure she has nothing to do. Shizune will come in, acting bored." Tsunade went into strategic mode. "She'll ask Sakura if she can do her hair and makeup. She will not take no for an answer. At exactly five thirty every day, Sakura leaves. But, by five twenty seven, she is already preparing to leave. I'll ask her to drop off something at the restaurant where you will meet her. Does that work?" Tsunade raised her eyebrows. Sasuke went over the plan in his head, and nodded.
"Yes. This way, she'll already be ready for a date because Shizune will have done her hair and makeup. And when she sees you, that's when you carry out your part of the plan."
The hokage and Uchiha shook hands. "Good luck, shinobi. This may be your most difficult mission yet. And now... I need a drink!"
The two young men watched in horror and confusion as Tsunade ran off idiotically in search of sake. Naruto punched the air.
"YES! I will totally be a better hokage than that old hag!" He smirked. Sasuke sweatdropped.
"I'm going home. I have planning to do." He said darkly. He disappeared in a poof of smoke, and Naruto scratched his head, frowning.
"Hey... wait a tic... wasn't that Kakashi's trick?"