Summary: The ever-so-glamorous Wedy the Burglar is hired by L to put her skills to good use. However, she becomes far more interested in the handcuffs between the detective and Light Yagami, and intends to play match-maker.

Rating: M, for foul language, sexuality and lots of sexual references, yaoi

Spoilers: The events of the Yotsuba arc, as well as the real names of Aiber and Wedy

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Wedy, L, Light, no one, nada.


Merrie Kenwood was a self-declared match-maker, and she never saw anyone more tragically perfect for each other than L and Light Yagami (And on her honor as a thief, she swore that the reason that she was going to ensure that they put the handcuff that bound them to better uses had nothing to do with the fact that she was bored). It was simply part of her dazzling, charitable personality that she took this messy and seemingly hopeless task upon herself. Certainly she was not an easy woman to understand, she was so full of secrets behind her flawless skin and perfect makeup, but if she was asked to describe, she would say one thing:

She liked mythology.

Myths of old were full of action, drama, suspense and romance, and she was a sucker for the whole lot. Merrie quite truly thrived off of excitement, living on an untamed high. She didn't need to become the goddess of burglary, code named "Wedy", hell no. She was born into a rich family and was already set to inherit hundreds of thousands. But the job suited her. It was in her genetics to have natural scheming cleverness and an alluringly luscious body. It could be called unfortunate (though hell if she knew why) that it was also in her genetics to lead a dangerous life of flair and glamor. Her sister went off to become a Broadway actress. Merrie stole a motorcycle and made her fame in professional thievery.

She was hardly the easiest child for her parents to manage (on the contrary, she was a wild she-devil), but there was one time when Merrie was surprisingly compliant - this was bedtime. Her parents would tuck her in under handmade quilts from Italy. She would smile a charming smile and act like a docile kitten, and inevitably her parents would tell her a story. The stories would never be less than three-hundred years old. They instead told her mythological legends from around the world - Ancient Greece, Britain, Native American, Chinese, Babylonian, you name it.

There was one story in particular that she simply adored, and this was 'Pandora's Box'. The first woman to be created, the voluptuously sexy Pandora, was sent as a present to Epimetheus. The gods sent the couple a variety of wedding gifts, and one was a pretty box in which Pandora was specifically told not to open. The woman was a creature of sensationalism and curiosity, and one day when her fiancée was away, she found the box and quivering hands pulled off the lid. Out of the box spread all the evil things in the world - despair, sadness, agony, PMS, diet Pepsi and lawyers. And then at the very bottom of the box was the irreplaceable thing in which just almost made it all worthwhile - a little thing called 'Hope'.

Well, Merrie Kenwood was no longer a young girl, she was a woman. And Pandora, for some reason or another, that crazy First Woman Ever, was her idol. Like Pandora, she was sensual, beautiful, sexual and had the darkly-pleasing curiosity of a sly cat. It was undoubtedly this curiosity that lead her to being employed by L in the first place.

It hadn't been her first time meeting with L. Indeed, she knew full well that the supposed pedestal-of-justice detective was actually quite mysteriously familiar with the underground world. After the time she had successfully robbed the Museum of Natural History at age twenty-two, the impressed L had hunted her down. But instead of having her arrested, he asked for contact information because in the future, he might need her. He simply requested that she might keep the fact that he let her go all hush-hush. Clever little bastard. Just clever enough for her to take interest in him. She gave him her word that she'd be there when he needed a thrifty hand. And because he was so fascinating, this man behind the computer screen, she actually had (mostly) every intention of keeping her word.

And sure enough, one day her computer screen went white with incoming message, the gothic letter 'L' standing with declaration. "Wedy? It's me, L. It looks like I need your help after all..."

Who knew that she, the criminal princess, would actually be given the opportunity to meet the mysterious man in the flesh. Her cat-like instincts told her that this meant that he was damned desperate, or was worried that she, being a gangster criminal princess might be less likely to betray him if she met him personally. A reasonable assumption, she reflected, because dogs were the loyal ones, not cats like her. Of course, it was no secret either that Merrie was a goddess among burglars, and L liked having gods on his side. He needed gods to fight a god: Kira.

And oh, yeah, she was totally willing to plant cameras and tap wires. She generally liked her line of work, liked it a helluva lot, and L was paying her kindly. But that wasn't the reason that she didn't sell L out to the underworld who would pay millions for his carcass. When she met him in the flesh, her woman's intuition clicked on.

"I'm glad to meet you, Wedy," greeted the low, detached voice. The first time she had heard it without it being voice-scrambled through computer software.

Head held high, a smirk on her red lips, she gazed through sunglasses at the man called L. A gangly, lanky guy, he was younger than she thought. Early to middle twenties for certain. He was slouched over like a hunchback, his hands jammed into the pockets of his over-sized jeans. He wore a rather dull expression on his pale, sunlight-deprived face that gave away no hints, but Merrie was a woman, not a man. Women had instincts, and she knew in her gut that he was making judgments about her just like she was of him. Well, she was in his debt after all, and he was paying her generously, so she'd do whatever he wanted. (Though she had to admit, she liked always have some edge over her employers, some advantage, so that she knew that they wouldn't call the fuzz on her later.)

(And she swore by every god that she knew the name of that it wasn't this defensive animal instinct in her that lead her to wonder if L was seduceable. And later, she swore by every god twice that she wasn't playing match-maker because of that instinct. Really, no.)

Then she noticed a younger man, just an adolescent boy, standing near him. This kid was tall and slim, and though he had a mature look on his fair features he was hardly intimidating because his cheeks still had signs of youth in baby fat. His skin was still smooth and free of any stubble, and his chocolate eyes, looking out from wisps of long, straight strands of brunette hair, were strong and pure. He was the perfect contrast from L in every way, shape and form. He stood up straight, and he dressed in khaki pants and a nice dark sweater. All in all, yeah, a cute schoolboy. Darling, really. But she had met a thousand pretty boys - older and thus more to her liking, so he himself didn't particularly stand out.

She might've been content with just cooing over the cute one and turning her attentions back to business, but there it was - a handcuff. A chain, probably near six and a half feet long as far as Merrie could reckon, snaked on the floor between the two until it clasped up to a wrist each. This made her take a leather gloved hand and raise her sunglasses up on her blond head to get a better look. Now, it was simply an aspect of Merrie's personality where she liked putting people on edge, be it playful teasing or downright humiliation. And what better way to establish a sound relationship with her new employer? So she smiled slyly. "Who's your pretty little slave boy, L?"

The kid's jaw dropped when the words registered, wearing an almost comical look of shock. He blushed beat red. "What?! That's not-"

"His name is Light Yagami," L answered levelly, seemingly unperplexed. He stepped onto a swivel chair by a row of computers, and lowering his weight until he was perched like a parakeet. By the keyboard on the counter was a silver tray of quite expensive looking truffles, and L carelessly took one in delicate fingers. "He's my prime suspect in this Kira case. Also, if you please, refer to me as 'Ryuzaki' from now on."

How deliciously kinky. Merrie put a hand on her hip, her cool gaze on Light. He was squirming under her eyes, like so many men did. "He's absolutely adorable, Ryuzaki. Can I have one too, as a fringe benefit in addition to my paycheck? Complete the package with handcuffs, as well." And then her lips curved seductively as she batted her eyes at Light, who was blushing furiously, and she purred. "No... on second thought, I can provide my own handcuffs, can't I?"

In reality she had, of course, taken L's explanation for the chain seriously. Though L had a fucked up way of making his detective jazz, in the end he was playing the winning tune. She put nothing, no law, no human right violation passed him. It was simply in Merrie's nature to make suggestive comments in an effort to lighten the mood and break the ice. She expected L at least to ignore her chatter and bring up something about the case, because that was the kind of professional person she initially pegged him as. But what she didn't expect was for L to clear his throat loudly, indicating that she should stop but with a level of concealed discomfort. "Ahem. Wedy, if you please, I'm not doing this because I want to."

And then she knew.

She smiled brilliantly, flashing pearly white teeth. She knew that L was damned well doing it because he wanted to. Why else would he get defensive? And more than that, Light was still blushing though he turned away fiercely, so she assumed that the boy was just as obsessed with L. Charming. Absolutely charming.

But now Light had retreated a couple of steps, pulling the chain tight as he pretended to read some thick hard copy of a report at as far a distance as his captor could allow. And L made no effort to look at Light, either. That slack chain practically embodied the sexual tension between them.

"Oh, I see," Merrie purred, lowering her large sunglasses back over her eyes. "I see, indeed."

And because Merrie was a girl who liked mythology, because she was a girl who fancied herself the modern-day Pandora, Lady among Ladies, she was filled with an intense curiosity to open the present. The present neatly wrapped in two shirts, two pairs of pants and a six-and-a-half foot long chain.

This required its own investigation. Like Pandora, she passionately believed that presents were made to be unwrapped, if you will, and she hardly cared what might jump out of the box.

This was what was particularly on her mind when L made more introductions to the rest of her new co-workers... which, by the way, was a much more annoying reality. What L had failed to mention, and undoubtedly intentionally so, was that in this Kira investigation force worked several police men. No, not one, not two, but three of them, and one was a police chief. There was the young puppy-faced Matsuda, the burly and silent Mogi, and then there was Mr. Chief himself, Soichiro Yagami. This last bear-like man, Merrie found out, was none other than the father of the pretty boy Light himself. How precious.

She didn't much like that she was working directly with the law enforcement, and her instincts told her that they didn't much like it either.

"Ryuzaki, I don't much like it that we're working with criminals to catch a criminal," Soichiro commented loudly.

Yeah... So it wasn't just her instincts.

Yes, Soichiro had mentioned criminals in the plural sense. That lead Merrie to the man known only as Aiber, according to himself and L, he was an expert con-artist. An alluring man with charismatic elegance, she immediately took a liking to him. He was older than her, judging by the faint crow's feet that stamped the sides of his delectable eyes, but Aiber was definitely a charmer.

"Hello, 'Wedy' was it?" he asked lightly, walking over to her with a winning smile. He spoke in English, which surprised Merrie, and his voice was coated with a mild French accent.

"English, eh?" She raised an eyebrow, making it visible from under her sunglasses, and responded in the same language. "Am I that obvious?"

"Yes," he answered breezily. "Those large sunglasses brand you as a wild American girl, mon ami."

"Well!" Wedy was developing an immediate respect for her fellow law-breaker, but that didn't mean he was trustworthy and hardly yet a friend. So she gave a tantalizing smile, raising her glasses to peer at him through long lashes. "I'd peg you as French, then."

"Alas! What gave me away?" Aiber asked, contorting his face into playful shock. "My exquisite accent? My charming looks? Or perhaps my use of French language in my previous accusation to you?"

"Darling, you're the obvious one. I'll find out your real name soon, and don't you see all the police here at my disposal? I'll have you in handcuffs before you can say, 'au revior', and a handsome reward I'll get, I'm certain."

"Says the infamous Goddess of the Thieves, Wedy." He winked then - and damn, it was nicely done. Merrie had seen far too many repugnant winkers, but Aiber made it downright sexy. "Yes, my dear, I've heard of you among my crew. They say that you could steal the Crown Jewels of England one night, and then put them back the second night after security was tripled, and no one would know how you did it."

"I can steal anything. Jewels, technology, information... hearts..." She was quite honestly eyeing Aiber now. He was sure as hell handsome, and L's jobs sounded wild and busy. A break every now and again might be lovely, and Aiber could maybe provide the more interesting forms of relaxation.

Aiber raised a finger and swayed it in negation, shaking his head. "Sadly enough for you, mon ami, I have a wife."

Damn. "I assure you, that's sad for you, too."

"Oh, indeed, for like any good French man, I have refined tastes in love. Love is my wine, may I forever drink it and be left in drunk ecstasy! And the act of love-making, that is the only reason humanity has endured for so long. Without it we are surely lost." There was a certain level of obviousness in the statement - without love-making, humanity would not reproduce and indeed, they would be very lost then.

"Aiber! Wedy! " L called from across the room, speaking in Japanese, but he made it known that he knew English too, thank-you-very-much: "We have urgent matters to discuss, if I may temporarily halt your highly irrelevant discussion until a time when you are not on my payroll."

(And there was Light, glancing over at Aiber and then quickly looking away before Merrie stole his gaze. Still embarrassed from earlier.)

"Wait a moment, Aiber." Merrie lowered her voice after peering over at the boys and their handcuff. She murmured into Aiber's ear. "You're a con artist, so I'd like to see you help me with a little piece of art that I'm thinking about painting. Are you a French revolutionary, darling? Do you believe in ideals? Would you be a servant to love? Would you say your prayers to Aphrodite, to Bastet, to Freya and Aidin, to Venus and Kanikanihia?"

"I'm no idealist, Wedy, but I am French. And I am not a servant, but a knight to my fair Lady Love. In fact, I daresay that I could name as many love gods as you. Since we are in Japan, we must mention Benzaiten, the love 'kami'?"

She gleamed, and her appreciation for this man doubled. "Find out for me if L is gay. The Yagami boy, too. It's not as if I personally am incapable of getting the idea, but I like to make my work thorough where I can. The charms of both a man and a woman need to be tested."

Aiber raised an eyebrow. "If you're hiring me for my skills, what's my payment?"

"How foul! But you serve Lady Love, not me. Or are you nothing but a false admirer? A pity, but I wouldn't put it passed a French man." With those words alone, the bait was set. She didn't even need to lower her shoulders slightly so that the curve of her breasts was emphasized (but she did anyway, for fun.)

The older man's eyes widened in something between amusement and offense. "You want me to falsely toy with my employer and his suspect in order to defend the French pride in that we are not false to love at all?"

Merrie lowered her sunglasses over her devilish eyes, smiling with wicked delight. "Aiber, honey, we're the stars of the underworld. We're pinnacles of justice with questionable ethics. Why does our logic have to make sense?"

Aiber grinned back, a brilliant thing (and Merrie wondered if she could make him forget about his wife, just for one night). Then he held out his hand, which Merrie clasped, and they shook. She had made a friend.

It didn't help that Merrie had just spent some time at her home in Colorado so she suffered jet lag, or that her sleep hours were messed up anyway because she often worked late hours (ha, ha! She adored telling people that, it made her sound so professional), but it was definitely two in the morning and she was wide awake. L had offered her a lavish spare bedroom in his Kira hunting fortress, which Merrie gladly accepted. Actually, her intuition told her that L would've insisted upon it even if she had refused - he may have shown his face, but he didn't trust a thief walking to his hotel everyday.

Listening to classical music on her iPod didn't seem to be helping, so Merrie intended to do the next best thing when it came to remedies for insomnia - bring on the alcohol. Not that she had any alcohol in her suitcase; unfortunately that would've been confiscated on her 100 percent legal plane ride (if you didn't count the fact that she paid for the ticket with a phony credit card). But L must have kept some fine wine somewhere in this fancy place - judging by the truffles he had been munching nonchalantly on upon her arrival, he had exquisite tastes.

So she exited her bedroom, wearing not much more than black lingerie, and wandered the hallways toward the main room where she remembered that there was a mini-fridge. What else could possibly be in there? She knew that if she was with the goddamned law enforcement, she'd simply have to be intoxicated the majority of the time. Her mouth watered at the thought of fine strawberry tequila, or hey, even sake since this was Japan.

When she arrived in the said main room, she was shocked to find the lights still on. There wasn't a single computer shut down for the night. In fact, there wasn't even a single computer in its twenty-minute screen saver mode. And in this room, sitting on chairs in front of the biggest monitors, were none other than L and Light Yagami.

Merrie grinned viciously, and stopped in her tracks. L may have been amazing with security, but Merrie was a professional - probably one of the best in the world, and she would not be seen even though she wasn't more than twenty-five feet away. She lowered her body a little until she was almost crouching, and her cat-like eyes flickered to the two boys. What could they possibly be doing still awake? Working on the Kira case? Discussing whether or not L's suspicions in Light were well-founded? Readying themselves to give into their obsessive, homosexual urges and strip?

"Ryuzaki, could you toss me the highlighter, please?" Light asked in a tired voice, reading through some thick mess of stapled papers.

L has been typing on his computer with one hand, and the other hand was in a bag of what looked like chocolate chips. The hand that had been typing was surrendered to reach for a blue highlighter, which he tossed to Light. "Here, Light-kun. Please put the cap back on in between marks so that it doesn't dry out."

"Why are you telling me? You're the one who leaves it off all the time."

Well... that was kind of exciting. A little bit of bickering was promising. Merrie grit her teeth and waited longer, but nothing was happening - L had made no retort. Now they weren't even talking! Just sitting there like boring, business-only coworkers. What the hell, anyway! Merrie was only awake this late if she were working, partying, having sex, or all three. (Granted, she supposed that what the boys were doing qualified as 'work', sort of, but their boring silence annoyed her nonetheless.)

Disappointed, she stood up and continued walking as if she had never been spying in the first place. "Good evening, Ryuzaki, Light-kun," she greeted.

"You're awake?" Light asked. It was a dumb and rather pointless question, and he probably knew it, but the poor boy looked exhausted. He was blinking steadily to keep his in focus on her.

"Your eyes aren't lying, sweetie," she answered. "I'm indeed awake, though I don't really care to be. Which leads me to my objective. Ryuzaki, where do you keep the booze around this dump?"

"I never drink while I'm on a case," L said almost reprimandingly, turning to look at her with wide, dark-rimmed eyes. "Wedy-san shouldn't drink either, if she's serious about catching Kira. Let me remind you that you would be a prime target for such a killer, being the acclaimed criminal that you are."

"That's fabulous, honey, but you didn't answer my question." She was a little annoyed and wanted to return the favor to the hunched over L, which in turn made her mischievously happy again (she already knew what irritated him...). L had turned his white-shirted back to her, returning his gaze to his computer monitors. But the Yagami boy was furrowing his brow as he stared at the stapled packet of papers in his hands, clearly trying to stay awake. (Merrie had been known to have the ability to keep tired men up all night if she set her mind to it.) She inched toward the younger boy, standing over him with a hand on her hip. "Light-kun, sweetie, I don't suppose you know where L hides his liquor?"

Light looked up at her with surprised, almond-shaped eyes. "I'm only eighteen, Wedy."


"The legal drinking age in Japan is twenty."


"So, well..." Light's voice trailed off, and he adverted his eyes.

Merrie leered like a cat who had cornered a mouse. She lowered herself onto a chair right next to Light, and it had wheels so she delicately scooted in closer. Very casually, her right hand found itself on Light's knee, and her painted nails curled around it. "You don't strike me as that kind of guy, Light-kun. I read your records. You're enrolled as a freshmen in college. I don't believe for a moment that a handsome boy like you has never been to a proper party."

To her surprise and delight, Light didn't blush or anything. He shrugged and nodded. "That's true enough, though I hate saying such a thing when I'm being recorded on video cameras 24/7."

Merrie chuckled. She at least had deduced that regardless if Light Yagami was innocent, he wasn't pure. "You're sitting next to Wedy, the burglar goddess. You drank at a party. That's hardly anything to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you're Kira. Though I'll keep your secret and not tell your dear, morally-uptight father, if you want. So what's your favorite? Drink, that is. I'll find us some and you and I will have our own party."

"This doesn't mean that I drink regularly," he said rather tentatively. "And even if I wanted to drink now, I doubt that Ryuzaki would let me."

"No, I wouldn't," L snapped with surprising (but pleasing) irritation. He was clearly taking note of Merrie's hand on Light's leg. "And if you please, Wedy. Light-kun and I still have a lot of work to get done, and you are currently serving as nothing more than a distraction."

"But look at this poor boy!" Merrie said with sweet, sweet venom. The words she uttered were an excuse to put her other hand on Light, this one resting on his shoulder in a sort of, say, motherly fashion. She brought her face closer to his increasingly uncomfortable one as if she was contemplating him. "At the tender age of eighteen, should he be up this late? I'll tell you what, Ryuzaki. I'll take him off your hands. I'm not tired, so I'll... ah... keep an eye on your suspect for tonight while you stay here and work."

There it was - the color was mildly creeping into Light's cheeks. Smart kid apparently knew full well what she was implying.

"No," L said in firm monotone (a concealed snarl), turning entirely to the direction of Light and Merrie. "I hired you for your burglary skills alone. You are not trained as a detective, and because I am the leading authority of this case, the actions of my suspects need to be known to me first at all times."

"It's kind of you to offer," Light suddenly said, and to Merrie's incredulity, he took her hands in his own. He held her warm hands with slender fingers as he sat up straight and looked at her in the eyes. He gave a little smile, but the color in his cheeks had faded and his irises didn't so much as flicker. Now he was the one leaning slightly forward, and like a young romantic, his eyes didn't for a split second leave her own, instead they locked in thorough captivation. "But I'm absolutely dedicated to this Kira case. I've been wrongly accused and I want more than anything to prove it, as well as capture the criminal. It's true that I'm tired, but that's a burden I'll gladly carry."

Was he... was he playing with her now? What the hell?

Merrie's lips slightly parted, and she realized that she had underestimated this boy. Well, she had noticed that he was attractive for his age-group, why hadn't she made the connection that he was clearly experienced in the ways of females? His words were too sugar coated, and he held her hands just too perfectly - not just a little experienced, she wouldn't be surprised if his virginity was long gone. Merrie usually liked pleasant surprises, but this was awful. If he was straight, then L's obsession would be only one-sided. Her malicious plans were being pissed on by the dogs of reality.

But no, she realized, standing up. Light turned back to his computer, but as he did so, his eyes flickered toward L, Quickly there, and then quickly back again. She hadn't made the connection that he was experienced with females before because he was blushing like a schoolgirl when she had teasingly joked earlier about him being L's love slave. Light was obsessed with L. True, it was apparent now that he had likely been quite the ladies' man in school, but attraction to L was hardly like anything he would have experienced before. It was only logical that Light's repressed bisexuality was at least a possibility, her woman's intuition told her wisely. It had to be.

"Alright then, I'll leave you two to have your fun," she said with a shadowy, suggestive smile. "But Light, dear, just don't let that conniving detective take advantage of you. He knows too much to be trusted..."

The brunette tensed up a little, gluing his eyes to the report in his hands again. L didn't do anything at all, aside from reach for a handful of chocolate chips which he deposited into his mouth like cash in a bank. He made no visual reaction as he continued his computer work. If she had ever seen two men not about to make love, these were them.

Well, damn it all, anyway!

She walked back to her room, without any booze and thoroughly discouraged. No, not true, in this frustration she found more determination than ever. She was Wedy, for God's sake. She was an goddess in both thievery and seduction, and she would use both talents to meet her objective. She had a mission. She grit her pearly teeth and tightened her flawless red lips, and she made a vow. Swearing by every deity that guarded love and sexuality that she could remember from childhood mythology, she would not give up until L and Light Yagami were screwing like rabbits in heat.

To Be Continued...

Author's Notes:

1. This was just an idea, because I really wanted to write a story about Wedy. Quite frankly, she's the only female in Death Note that I really like, and I like her a lot for the few lines that she gets to say before Kira offs her. On that note, because she's a relatively minor character (even if she's badass), I'm taking creative liberties with her personality and life. A lot of creative liberties.

2. Also this is... sort of the first intentionally humorish thing that I've published. Totally different from my usual style. People were complaining that my work is so angsty, so I wanted to write a fluff. Unfortunately this isn't fluff, but it's meant to be light-hearted for the most part... at least... yes, mostly light-hearted, let's leave it at that.

3. If I remember right, Wedy is actually from Colorado and Aiber is from France (and has a wife and son). But again, creative liberties, don't expect much else to be backed up with evidence from the anime/manga.

4. This also marks my first fic spelling L's alias as "Ryuzaki" instead of "Ryuuzaki". I've realized that this will probably be the official spelling, so, yeah.

5. This may or may not be updated soon. I haven't decided how much I like the idea yet.

I hope it wasn't too painful. Thanks for reading, anyway! -Serria