Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers. All recognizable characters are the property of HasTak. All unrecognizable ones are the intellectual property of yours truly; their theft is punishable by severe voodoo-induced pain in any and all sensitive organs of the body, followed by eternal damnation.
Because, you know, stealing is wrong.
Title: On The Care And Feeding Of Humans
Summary: Transformers AU. Juxtaposition side story. So you think you're ready for a human all your own, but do you know how to care for one? ... Ratchet and Wheeljack are doing their best to figure it out.
Warnings: mild cursing
Author Notes: Many people were wanting more details on Evelyn's experiences onboard Metellus Cursor, and to write out everything I had planned would take Juxtaposition far, far away from the main plotline.
Hence... side story! This will be a series of short oneshots (hence, the perpetual 'complete' under story status) detailing Evelyn's settling into life with the 'bots.
IF YOU HAVE NOT READ JUXTAPOSITION, YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.
Timeframe: Several hours after Evelyn's return from her meeting with Optimus Prime and Prowl. (post Ch. 11)
On The Care And Feeding Of Humans
Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure.
... Yeah. Right.
"Oh, by Primus."
Wheeljack glanced up from his own perusal of the files retrieved from the Earth information systems to find Ratchet glaring off into space with an expression fit to set the very air particles sizzling. The medic's optics flickered dimly as he accessed Metellus' database, frown growing steadily darker.
"Problem, Ratchet?" Wheeljack queried.
"Have you read up on dietary requirements yet?"
"Mm... A little. It looks simple enough." Wheeljack looked down at one of the datapads he had been using to take notes. "Protein, fiber, carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals. Lots of water. Nothing too difficult to replicate."
"You obviously haven't gotten to the more in-depth articles." The medic's internal systems revved moodily. "Too much sodium, she gets seizures, confusion, coma, lung paralysis, and then death. Too much potassium: heart failure, followed by death. Too much iron: vomiting, diarrhea, convulsions, and death. Calcium, zinc, manganese, nitrate... not even counting things like mercury or arsenic. She can overdose on water, for Primus' sake."
Wheeljack accepted a transfer link from the medic and skimmed the files his companion uploaded into his databanks. His optics widened, then narrowed in contemplation. "All right, maybe not 'simple,' but not impossible."
"We've been using too much oxygen, too."
"Not enough to cause damage, but still. Slaggit, there are even radiation requirements."
Wheeljack jotted down several new lines of notes. "Isn't the only radiation requirement that there is no radiation?"
"Apparently not," growled Ratchet. "It says here—" Another file was sent across the link, and Wheeljack examined it obligingly. "—that they need certain wavelengths to produce vitamin 'D3', whatever the slag that is. And they get depressed without sunlight. Primus."
"Think of it as a challenge," suggested the inventor cheerfully.
"I think," snapped the medic, "that this is exactly why we have a directive forbidding the removal of unknown species from their home environments! When we're through with this, I'm going to disassemble that virus-infested, outdated son of a glitch so completely, he'll be less than subatomic particles!"
"... Mirage?" asked Wheeljack in bemusement.
Wheeljack glanced over at the storage container-cum-berth that currently held the offline organic. "Our new guest will probably want to help with that."