Title: Cock and Bull Story
Author: Saber ShadowKitten
Pairing: Sanji x Zoro
Rated: M (the only M-OP story that isn't too naughty to post on FFN. See those naughty bits at sabershadowkat . com)
Notes: Pre-Water 7. Also, I don't think Zoro is this brainless, but I'd written an angsty vigin!Zoro already and wanted to write a humor one.
Summary: "I'm never gonna let anyone do sex to me!"
Dark clouds rolled in like the tide across the full moon. The scent of the coming storm hung heavily in the air. The Going Merry bobbed with the roughening sea. Zoro dropped his raingear at the base of the mainmast and nodded to Robin as she passed, guiding a staggering Nami across the deck.
"Zo-hic-ro!" Nami hiccoughed, swinging her arms broadly "Schtormsh comin'. Secure th'shails!"
"He will, Miss Navigator," Robin said, leading her into the girls' cabin.
"Good, 's'important. Don' wanna loosh…" The door closed, cutting off Nami's drunken words. They had been celebrating surviving a vicious battle with a slimy dictator and his army, who'd been holding a small island captive. The natives had showed their gratitude for freeing them from the bastard's torturous regime by loading the Merry's deck with casks of sake, all of which were now empty.
Zoro lashed the sails before heading down the gangplank. A bonfire lit the strip of beach and remnants of the Straw Hat's feast littered the sand. Sanji sat near the fire, his tie loose and his shirt cuffs folded, his pale toes digging into the paler sand. An empty mug lay discarded beside him. He stared intently at the flames, with his elbow propped on his bent knee and his chin resting on his closed fist. The orange glow highlighted the drunken flush of his cheeks and a secretive smile played over his lips.
"Oi, target-brow, get back to the ship," Zoro said, as he began cleaning up. He downed a half-full mug of sake and dumped the mug into the carrying crate by his feet. Since he was on night watch, he hadn't gotten drunk like the others (though there wasn't nearly enough sake to get him tipsy, let alone drunk). He'd carried a passed-out Luffy and Chopper onboard already, with Usopp stumbling after him.
The wind picked up, sending sparks from the fire dancing in the air. Tiny dustdevils rose from the sand. Zoro snagged a fresh fish wrapper before it blew away. He felt Sanji's eyes on him. "Did you hear me?"
"Hn." Zoro heard the soft shift of sand, indicating Sanji was getting up. Lightning streaked under the roiling black clouds. Zoro collected the discarded dinner bowls and stacked them in the crate.
Sanji's empty mug dropped past his ear, landing with a clatter on the bowls. "Careful, stupid."
Drunken moron, Zoro scoffed at the idiotic response. He cleaned up the last of the feast's remains and grabbed the sides of the crate, preparing to pick it up. He grunted when Sanji draped suddenly over his back. "Get off me, shit cook."
"You know, you have a very fuckable ass," Sanji breathed hotly against his neck.
"OI!" Zoro dropped the crate and leapt in shock, drawing his katana. Holding the blade defensively, he stared at Sanji incredulously from several feet away. "What did you say?!"
Sanji slid his hands into his pockets and smiled lazily. "I said you have a very fuckable ass."
"You- you- you—," Zoro sputtered, agog. His hand tightened around the hilt of his katana, his mind awhirl. "Why?"
"Because it's true. It's taut," Sanji's heady gaze traced down Zoro's torso,"and muscular," he licked his lips, "and fuckable."
An odd heat bloomed in Zoro's gut. He chalked it up to rage. "Stop saying that!"
Sanji's teeth gleamed in the firelight. "I want to fuck you." He took a step towards Zoro. "I've wanted to fuck you for a long, long time." He took another step. "I'm going to strip you down, bend you over, and fu-UCK!" Sanji yelped, grabbed his foot, and jumped up and down in pain, from kicking the crate. "Ow, fucking hell piece of shit crate, fuck, shit, ow."
The instinct to fight or flee gripped Zoro. His heart hammered loudly and his palms sweated. His mouth ran dry. He watched as Sanji lost his balance and tumbled to the ground. More cursing floated past his ears.
"You're drunk," Zoro croaked. The tip of his blade trembled from tension. "You don't know what you're saying."
"—evil fucking crate. Where are my shoes, damn it? I'll show you for hurting me. You're name will be 'splinters' when I'm done with you—"
Zoro backed towards the ship, keeping his katana raised. Sanji kept up his stream of curses, not paying any attention to Zoro anymore. The bonfire flames snapped sharply. Zoro's heel hit the gangplank, and he spun and sprinted aboard the Merry. He sheathed his katana, snagged his raingear, and scurried up the mast to the crow's nest. Lightning flashed in the distance. He dropped the raingear to the weathered floorboards, fell back against the mast, and covered his gaping mouth with his hand. Thunder rumbled across the sea.
Sanji wanted to do… that. To him!
"Shit." Freaked, Zoro started drawing his katana defensively again. Sex wasn't something anyone had wanted with him before, and he sure as hell didn't want it. He didn't know who would.
"Sensei, what's sex?" Zoro demanded to know. He rubbed at a bloody scratch on his cheek, from the stupid blonde cat that had taken up residence in his practice tree. "Atsushi-senpai said he did it with Mio-san. Teach me to do it, too."
Sensei chuckled and patted Zoro's head. Zoro hated it. He was twelve, not a kid. "Go and watch the bull in the field. He will show you what sex means."
Zoro obeyed his sensei. Outside, the warming weather had brought the blooms of spring. Zoro picked a tall blade of grass and chewed on its end, as he climbed the fence surrounding the field. He straddled the top fence post and squinted in the sun. A speckled cow stood at the far end of the open field, chewing cud. Four farmers, in roughspun tunics and trousers the colors of dirt and sand, gathered near the gate. A hulking black bull snorted and pawed the ground, trapped in the run on the other side of the gate. The great curving horns gleamed ivory in the sunlight and splinters flew from the fencing when the bull swung his head. He bashed at the gate, making it quake on its hinges.
Zoro noticed the red gleam in the bull's eyes and the quiver of his flanks. He recognized the warning signs of a predator preparing to strike. He opened his mouth to call out a warning, but it was too late. The bull slammed his head against the gate, breaking it open. The farmers cried out in alarm. The bull charged into the field, smoke expelling from his nostrils. He trampled two of the farmers to death and gored a third with his horns. Blood spewed from the farmer's mouth with his gurgled scream, as he hung impaled on one curved horn.
The blade of grass fell from Zoro's gaping mouth, as he watched in horror as the fourth farmer tried fleeing. The bull stampeded and the last farmer's head crunched under a powerful hoof. The bull spun, the impaled farmer's legs swinging like ribbons tied to the bull's horn. Gleaming red eyes spotted Zoro and the bull bellowed a roar.
"AHH!" Zoro tumbled headfirst into the dirt on the far side of the fence in his hurry to escape. The ground shook with the thunder of the bull's hooves. Zoro scrabbled backwards, his heart hammering in fear. The bull slammed into the fence where he'd been sitting, and the fence bowed outward until it touched Zoro's nose. Zoro's breath caught in his throat, as he stared directly into the bull's wild, hungry eyes.
The bull snorted, the hot breath ruffling Zoro's hair. Then, abruptly, the bull turned away, the fence snapping back into shape. He shook his head hard and the impaled farmer went flying. The dead man landed near Zoro in a sprawl of limbs and blood. Choking on a cry, Zoro scrambled to his feet and ran. The last thing he witnessed was the bull charging the defenseless cow, before the field was out of sight.
Panting, Zoro kicked off his sandals as he entered the dojo and rushed to his sensei. "Sensei, the bull- he- then- and- with-," Zoro sputtered, arms flailing, before he managed clearly, "He's attacking the cow!"
Sensei laughed. "That's sex, Zoro. The bull isn't attacking, he's loving."
Zoro's eyes bulged. "That's what sex is? "
"In its most primitive form, yes," Sensei said. He knelt, putting him at eye-level with Zoro, and placed his hands on Zoro's shoulders. "Sex is something two people do to show affection."
"People do that?!" Zoro exclaimed, horrified. He pictured Atsushi-senpai trampling and goring Mio-san and his stomach churned in nausea. "I'm never gonna let anyone do sex to me!"
Sensei laughed again and squeezed Zoro's shoulders. "You'll change your mind, once you're older."
Zoro was older, now, and hadn't changed his mind. He'd seen Yosaku and Johnny sporting bruises, walking funny, and being in pain during his travels with them. Zoro may like danger and violence, but he had some sense of self-preservation.
A commotion on the deck drew his attention. Zoro peered cautiously over the wall of the crow's nest. Sanji wove unsteadily below, carrying the crate. He banged into the stair-rail leading up to the galley. Zoro's stomach flipped and his katana came an inch out of her sheath. Sanji wanted sex with him. Well, too bad. There was no way he was going to do that!
Zoro couldn't stop thinking about sex with Sanji.
Any time he let his mind drift, thoughts of Sanji with a red gleam in his eyes would appear. He'd chase Zoro around the Merry until Zoro was cornered in the hold, or the bathroom, or the galley. Zoro would try defending himself with his swords, only to be disarmed by powerful kicks. But Zoro wouldn't give in, and he'd throw himself at Sanji, and they'd go down and roll around on the floor, fighting tooth and nail, Sanji's long, hard body bucking, rubbing, and pinning his own, until the bite of Zoro's trouser seam against his hardened cock would snap him out of the daydream, horrified with himself.
He wasn't naïve. He'd finished puberty and the constant erections that came with it. A hardened cock now meant he liked it. He'd get an erection after every spectacular battle. He'd get one when he touched himself in the privacy of the bathroom. Sometimes, he'd get one while polishing his swords. He'd never, ever gotten one while thinking about Sanji.
(Although, he did remember getting one – or two, or maybe five, or seventeen, but that was it – watching Sanji fight, but he'd chalked it up to the beauty of the battle. Maybe he'd been wrong.)
Zoro banged the dumbbell in his hand against his forehead. Shirtless, he stood on the upper deck, working through his training routine. The hot sun beat on his bare shoulders and sweat trickled along his spine. The Merry sailed at a snail's pace with the scant breeze. Luffy's laughter rang in the air, his body being used as a jump rope. Gripping the mainmast, he was stretched to the rail, arms twisting as Usopp turned the 'rope' by the feet and Chopper jumped in time with Usopp's song. "One pirate, two pirates, three pirates, four. Sailing on a ship with plunder galore…"
"Mellorine!" Zoro tensed at Sanji's warble. Since that night on the beach, Sanji hadn't said anything about wanting sex. Zoro knew, though, that it was just a matter of time before Sanji attacked.
From the corner of his eye, Zoro watched Sanji trip over his own feet as he brought drinks to the girls, hearts in his eyes and floating overhead. Robin and Nami sat reading under the shade of the umbrella near the bow. "Thank you, Cook-san," Robin said, as Sanji set the glasses on the table.
"Is there anything else I may get for you, Robin-chwan? A hand to hold? My undying devotion?" Sanji cooed.
"Sanji! Where's mine?"
Luffy let go of the mast, to grab for the remaining glasses on the tray. With the release of his hold, his body untwisted at blurring speed. "Woah-a-woah-a-woah-a-woah-a-ha-ha-ha!" His stretched body snapped back to normal, sending Usopp and him over the rail of the ship.
"Ahhh! Luffy! Usopp!" Chopper yelled, clapping his hooves to his cheeks.
Two female hands appeared from over the rail, holding Luffy and Usopp by the seat of their pants, and deposited the boys back onto the deck.
"Nice catch," Nami said to Robin. Robin uncrossed her arms and smiled.
"Robin-chwaaaaan, you are the most spectacular woman in the world," Sanji walked backwards towards the boys, as he laid more smarmy commentary, "besides my darling Nami-swan, who is also most spectacular."
Zoro sneered in disgust and curled his weights.
"Thank you, Sanji!" Chopper said, taking a drink from the tray, when Sanji reached the three. He gulped some down and smacked his lips. "Ah. It hits the spot."
"Good," Sanji said, as Luffy and Usopp also took glasses. Sanji raised the tray when Luffy tried grabbing a second glass. "You have yours. The last two are for me and that shitty swordsman."
"Awww, but it's good!" Luffy said.
"I'll make more later."
Zoro swallowed nervously when Sanji started in his direction. He curled his weights faster, tension ratcheting with each of Sanji's loose-hipped steps. His breathing quickened and heart trip-hammered in his chest. Sanji would be within touching distance in a second, but Zoro could feel the sex vibes radiating from him already. Zoro wanted to throw a dumbbell at him and flee.
"Don't touch me," Zoro barked, jumped back, and hit the side of the upper cabin. One of the dumbbells slipped from his sweaty hands and landed on his foot.
Standing at the top step, Sanji stared at him like he'd lost his mind. "Why the fuck would I touch you?"
"Uh- ow!" Zoro dropped the other dumbbell to the upper deck with a clank, grabbed his foot, and hopped in place. He wasn't hurt – he'd barely even felt the impact of the other dumbbell hitting him – but he had to get away. "I need— you— urgh— shut up, stupid cook. Chopper!"
"Eh?" Chopper glanced up from the glass tower Luffy was building and gasped. "Zoro, what's wrong?!"
"I need a doctor." Zoro kept his back pressed to the outer galley wall and hop-slid away from Sanji. His face reddened with discomfiture. Everyone's eyes were on him now. He was going to kill Sanji, once he'd escaped from the sex fiend.
"A doctor?!" Chopper jumped to his feet and waved his arms in the air in a panic. "Oh, no! Someone, Zoro's hurt! Call a doctor!"
"You are a doctor," Usopp pointed out.
"Oh, yeah. Eh-heh-heh." Chopper hurried up the steps, past a stupefied Sanji, and herded Zoro into the galley. The door closed behind them. "Sit down. What happened?"
Zoro collapsed onto the bench at the table and wiped his damp palms on his trousers. His racing blood pounded in his ears. It was stifling in the galley. The metal stove, sink, and counter gleamed in the sunlight pouring through the portholes. The sides of the icebox sweated. Chopper retrieved his bag from the cabinet Usopp had built into the corner, to hold Chopper's medical supplies.
"Zoro?" Chopper said, setting the bag beside Zoro on the bench.
Zoro jerked his eyes from the galley door, where he half-expected to see Sanji chasing after him. "Oh, um, I hurt my foot," he said, extending his leg.
Chopper pulled off Zoro's boot. Bending closer, he poked and prodded at the bared foot. "I don't see any bruising, and it doesn't feel broken…"
Zoro stared at the top hat on Chopper's bent head, a thought forming. Chopper was a doctor. Maybe there was some pill or something that would stop Sanji from wanting sex with him. "Say, Chopper?"
"Hmm?" Chopper put Zoro's foot down and dug through his bag.
"Do you have anything for, uh…," Zoro rubbed his neck awkwardly, "for, um, stopping sex?"
"Sex?" Chopper squeaked, staring wide-eyed at Zoro.
"Never mind," Zoro said quickly, shoving his foot into his boot and pushing to his feet, humiliation burning through him. "Just forget I said anything."
"No, wait!" Chopper grabbed his pant-leg, to stop him from leaving. "I'm a doctor. You can talk to me about sex. I've read all about it as part of my medical training."
Zoro wished for the ship to sink right about now. "Forget it."
"You wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't want my help," Chopper said earnestly.
Zoro really didn't want to talk about it. But then he'd have to leave the galley and Sanji and his sex vibes were out there. Zoro wanted things to go back to normal, where he despised Sanji and Sanji despised him in return. He kind of missed being kicked in the head and retaliating with his swords, since he'd been avoiding the cook as much as possible. "Uh…"
"Do you need to know about making babies? Or not making them?" Chopper said. "Or – eh-heh-heh – do I need to explain what an erection is?"
Zoro choked on his tongue. Coughing, he sank onto the bench and buried his face in his hands. What the hell was he doing? He should cut commit seppuku and be done with it.
"Zoro?" Chopper patted his back. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," Zoro wheezed.
Chopper was quiet a moment, before saying sympathetically, "If you really don't want to talk about it, it's okay."
Great, now Chopper thought he was a wuss. Zoro cleared his throat and lowered his hands. He didn't look at Chopper, though. "I—he—" Zoro clenched his fists and forced it out. "—Sanji wants sex with me."
"Sanji?" Chopper sounded incredulous and his jaw thumped on the floor.
"Yeah, him." Zoro's shoulders scrunched in tension as he glanced anxiously at the galley door. "I don't know what to do, and it's driving me insane. Stupid, shitty, aho-cook."
"I—oh. Okay. You and Sanji. Eh-heh-heh."
Zoro's blunt fingernails dug into his palms at Chopper's laughter. He should've kept his mouth shut. "Never mind. I knew this was a dumb idea."
"No, it's okay. I just never thought you and Sanji would be together that way," Chopper said, rummaging through the cabinet.
"Neither did I," Zoro muttered.
"Here." Chopper came back with a fat, sealed jar and handed it to Zoro. "You'll want to use this. Coat your fingers first and stretch the sphincter with them, because it's a muscle, too. Then smear some on your penis, as well, before engaging in intercourse."
"Do what?" Zoro felt like he'd lost a step. He looked at the jar in his hand. Would this stop Sanji from wanting sex with him?
"Eh-heh-heh. Sorry. The book Doctorine had me read about seafarers' sex was technical," Chopper said. "Your sphincter is a muscle at the opening of your anus – that's your asshole. Fingers should be used first to stretch it before sex." Chopper blushed suddenly and pulled at his hat. "Does that explain enough?"
Zoro didn't get it. Why would you stick your fingers up your ass before being trampled and gored to death? He wasn't going to ask, though. He felt stupid enough and wanted the conversation over with. "Yeah. Thanks."
"I don't want your thanks, you jerk," Chopper said, dancing in place and clapping his hooves. "I don't appreciate it at all."
"Right." Zoro snorted softly and rubbed the back of his neck again. He looked at the jar in his hand, as Chopper put away his medical bag. It was mortifying that it'd come this far, that he had to ask for help. If anyone found out, he'd never live it down. "Don't say anything to anyone about this."
"I won't," Chopper promised. "No one would believe me, anyway."
Zoro couldn't take it anymore. Every time he turned, Sanji was right there, smoke coming out his nose and with a gleam in his eyes. The caravel shrunk more and more as the days passed. Zoro felt trapped, like the farmer at the gate with the bull in the run, pawing at the ground. Any second, Sanji would break through that gate and sex Zoro to death.
Death would be a welcome break from the constant stress. Zoro was so on edge, he had drawn his katanas on Luffy when the captain had come up behind him. That was unacceptable. He had to do something before he injured his nakama. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if that happened.
"Oi, shithead." Zoro stood in the doorway of the hold, his bandana tied tightly around his head. Crates, boxes, and barrels piled the dank room at the aft of the ship. Perched on a fresh water cask, the lantern cast long shadows against the curved hull. Sanji held a large bowl in the crook of an arm, selecting vegetables from the stock. Smoke curled from the cigarette in his mouth. His yellow dress shirt was buttoned at the collar and black tie knotted neatly. Twin sparks of fire reflected in his eyes when he glanced up. Zoro gulped, but stood his ground.
"What do you want?" Sanji said, a puff of smoke escaping from between his lips.
"Sex," Zoro said quickly, before he changed his mind. "You can do it." He closed his eyes, clenched his fists, and braced for impact. He'd survived being struck by bullets and gutted with blades, he should be able to withstand sex, too. He had brought that jar of cream Chopper had given him, though, tucked in his haramaki, if he wanted to stop. He'd practiced using it a several times in the bathroom before seeking Sanji out. His ass was slippery, and he felt like a fool using it (actually, it felt kind of good — weird, but good — when he'd used it), but it was better to have it on hand, just in case.
Silence stretched like a taut wire, and Zoro cracked open an eyelid when Sanji didn't attack. Sanji stared unblinkingly at Zoro, with his mouth agape. The cigarette smoldered on the floor by his foot. Irritation and nervousness tightened Zoro's lips. "Come on, already. I want to get this over with."
Sanji's mouth closed, opened, closed, opened, and finally snapped shut. He blinked twice and then pinched his opposite arm. "Ow, fuck." He blinked again. "Shit, this isn't a nightmare."
"The fuck it isn't!" Zoro unclenched and re-clenched his fists. "Do you think I want sex?"
"What— you just came on to me!" Sanji tugged violently at his tie and unbuttoned the collar of his shirt, as if he couldn't breathe. "What the hell makes you think that I'd want sex with you?"
"Because you jumped me at the beach that one time! And ever since then, sex is all I can think about and it's making me crazy, and I want things to go back to normal between us. You wanted to fuck me, so do it already and let me have some fucking peace!"
"Beach? What beach? I don't remember—" Sanji stopped speaking abruptly, as memory appeared to surface. He blinked again. "I was drunk!"
"Yeah, and? That doesn't mean you want it any less, you dartboard-headed bull," Zoro said, crossing his arms.
"So, what? You're offering yourself as a pity-fuck?" Sanji banged the bowl of vegetables down on a crate. "I'm not that desperate. I'd never be that desperate."
"Well, I am!" Zoro stalked into the cramped hold, vibrating with anger and emotion. Suddenly, he knew how the bull felt. He wanted to seize Sanji and do violence to him.
A solid kick to the chest sent Zoro flying backwards. He crashed into a stack of wooden boxes by the door. A broken slat scratched his face. Sanji stood with his fists balled and his chin tilted in angry confrontation.
Zoro rubbed the blood from his cheek with the back of his hand and smiled wolfishly. This was more like it. He climbed to his feet, broke the seal on Wadou's sheath, and lunged.
Sanji pivoted instantly, blocking the blade with his foot. He aimed a second kick at Zoro's chest. Zoro drove the hilt of his katana downward, knocking the kick off-course. He struck overhand. Sanji curved in a backbend out of range.
The packed hold left little room for maneuvering. Sanji blocked or dodged every swing of Zoro's blade, bending and contorting his body as if he were boneless. The strength of his truncated kicks reverberated along Zoro's sword arm. Crates tottered and crashed as they smacked into them. The bowl of vegetables clattered to the floor, spilling tomatoes, zucchini, broccoli, and red and green peppers under foot. Zoro slipped on a zucchini and fell into a kick to the jaw. He shook off the flash of pain and cleaved the air where Sanji's neck had been.
"Hey!" Zoro sliced through a head of broccoli as it was kicked up at him. Two red peppers and a green one left seeds on Wadou when they followed. Sanji used the distraction to hook Zoro's knees and send him sprawling onto his back, but Zoro's hand snaked out and snagged Sanji's tie before he went down.
Sanji landed heavily on top of Zoro with an oomf. "Fuck, what do you have under your haramaki?" he said. Broken crates and a tipped barrel hemmed them in on either side.
Zoro's mind was screaming "Dumb, dumb, dumb!" for pulling Sanji down with him. He was now in a position just like his daydreams and any minute he'd get an erection. "Get off me," he gurgled in panic.
"You're the one who pulled me on top of you." Sanji pushed up on his hands and stopped abruptly. "I can't move if you don't let go of my tie."
Zoro let go of the tie, dropped Wadou, and shoved Sanji upwards by the shoulders. His heart raced and his face began burning. "Get off!"
"All right, all right." Sanji knelt back on his heels, between Zoro's legs. Zoro sat up swiftly, grabbed the jar from his haramaki, and fumbled with the cap. He wanted the sex to stop.
"Shit, you're serious," Sanji said with amazement and disbelief. He took the jar from Zoro's clumsy hands, to Zoro's alarm. Opening the jar easily, Sanji peered at its contents. "I never imagined— well, no, I did. You're marginally attractive, in a dumb caveman kind of way, and it's a long time between ports... Oh, what the hell." Sanji grasped the back of Zoro's neck, yanked him forward, and mashed their mouths together.
Zoro made a strangled noise. What the hell was Sanji doing? He jerked away. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Kissing you." Sanji frowned. "You're not one of those guys who thinks kissing's too intimate, are you?"
Zoro's lips felt trampled upon. He touched his mouth, his eyes widening. "It's a part of sex," he realized in dismay. He always knew there was something strange about it.
"Good," Sanji said, setting the jar aside. He abruptly yanked Zoro's shirt up and over his head. The bandana came off, as well. Not expecting it, Zoro didn't have a chance to stop him, but before he could protest after-the-fact, Sanji was doing that kissing thing again and Zoro's mind skittered off course.
Sanji shoved Zoro onto his back, ending the kissing. Reeling, Zoro tried forming words and failed. Sanji unknotted his tie, unbuttoned his shirt, and flexed limberly to kick the hold door shut. In the lantern light, deep shadows cut lines on Sanji's pale torso, defining the muscle normally obscured by his leanness. Sanji tossed his shirt and tie aside, curled his fingers in the material of Zoro's haramaki, and pulled it and Zoro's pants down. Zoro found his voice immediately.
"Hey!" he exclaimed, scrabbling for his katanas, going down with his clothes. "Why are you taking my pants off?"
Sanji's curled eyebrow arched quizzically. "It's a little uncomfortable to have sex with them on."
Sex. Oh, fuck. Sanji really was going to do it. Sweat broke out on Zoro's brow and his heart sped up in distress. He grabbed the open jar, stuck two fingers in the oily off-white cream, and half-turned on his side to stick his fingers up his ass.
Sanji's eyebrow lifted higher. "Didn't picture you for a bumboy, but it's fine with me," he said, unbuckling his belt.
Chopper's anti-sex cream was working. Sanji stopped touching Zoro and trying to remove his pants. Instead, he pushed down his own, and Zoro swallowed his tongue. "You- you- you—," Zoro sputtered, as Sanji took the cream and spread some on his cock. "You- you're hard!"
"Shut up, shithead. It's not you, it's the thought of sex that has given me wood." Sanji climbed over Zoro's leg and pushed his bare hip. "Let's fuck already, before the others come searching for us."
Zoro's brain jibbered as he ended up on his stomach, one of his arms trapped beneath him. The cream hadn't worked. Sanji still wanted sex. Dread squeezed like a band around Zoro's chest. The fingers up his ass were pulled away and he felt the cool buckle of Sanji's belt against his bare thigh. Then, something blunt pressed into his asshole and he seized in pain.
"FUCK!" It felt like someone had shoved a blade up Zoro's ass and another in his lower back. Zoro gurgled and clawed at the wood floor. He was being gored!
"Ow, fuck, relax, you idiot," Sanji said, leaning over Zoro's back. "You're going to break the tip of my dick off."
It was Sanji's cock that was causing such pain? Fuck, shit. Zoro should've known. Where else was a person's horn?
"Zoro, shit," Sanji's breath was hot against Zoro's bare back, "you need to relax. Haven't you done this before?"
"No," Zoro garbled, his eyelids squeezed shut. He pressed his forehead hard against the floor slats. "Why would I want sex?"
Sanji made a strange noise. "You're a virgin?!"
"Shit," Sanji breathed, sounding stunned. Then, he smacked Zoro upside the head. "You big, dumb ox." Sanji shifted back and started massaging around Zoro's asshole with his thumbs. "You should've said something. Stupid, moronic, idiot swordsman. I would've prepared you better."
"I know what sex is," Zoro grunted. "I saw the bull."
Sanji snorted. "Figures you'd learn by watching animals mate." His massage made Zoro's body slowly respond, and he pulled his cock free. "Ow. Ah, that's better."
Zoro's ass throbbed and his lower back continued aching. Sex was as horrible as he'd feared.
Sanji's hand slid along his back, cupped his shoulder, and tugged lightly. "Turn over."
"Because I refuse to be branded a bad lover."
Sanji tugged at his shoulder again and Zoro moved reluctantly. He hissed at the sharp pain when he attempted sitting up and lay right down again. Being on his back didn't hurt as much, so long as he kept his hips lifted slightly.
Sanji flicked his temple. "You are such an idiot."
"Shut up." Zoro had a difficult time not looking at Sanji's cock, which was still hard and curving from the thatch of blonde pubic hair. Sanji blocked his stare by pulling up his boxers and pants, scooted on his knees to Zoro's feet, and removed his boots. "Hey, what are you—"
"You came to me for sex and you're going to get it." Sanji yanked off Zoro's pants and haramaki, swords going, too. "And you're going to enjoy it, marimo-head. My reputation is at stake. When did you last bathe?"
Zoro was thrown by the question. "I swam this morning. What does that have to do with anything? And how the hell can anyone enjoy sex?"
Sanji crawled up between Zoro's knees, with a shark's smile. "You're about to find out."
"And then our addle-pated swordsman surrendered to Sanji's skilled hands and learned that sex had nothing to do with trampling or goring – unless he and Sanji are in the mood for that sort of thing," Usopp finished with a flourish of his hands.
"Poor Zoro." Luffy shook his head. He sat beside Usopp, leaning against the closed hold door. "At least Sanji was nice enough to teach him."
The door yanked open suddenly, Luffy and Usopp fell backwards, and lantern light spilled into the short hall. "That's not what happened!" Zoro exclaimed. Shirtless, barefoot, and without his swords, he glowered down at Usopp. "Stop telling stupid stories."
"Hn, I don't know." Cigarette smoke curling from his mouth, Sanji groped Zoro's ass as he stepped over Luffy and Usopp and slipped out of the hold, with his hair mussed and hickeys on his neck. "It sounded like a true cock-and-bull story to me."