Author's notes: This is my first attempt at an anime crossover. Plus, all my information on Gakuen Alice has been based primarily on the anime…but yes, I will get to reading the manga when I can. XD

In the meantime…enjoy? Some of it is crack-tastic, out-of-character and absolutely warped, especially the fact that the Alice Academy is in Amestris, or at least, real close to it. Yes. Mwahaha.

---

To any ambitious military officer, there is nothing like a day away from mountains of paperwork, panicking soldiers, and most of all, nosy, bossy higher-ups you want to surpass someday.

These days, the work at Eastern Headquarters was getting hectic, what with the situation in Lior and several other things in between. One particular stressed-out officer strolled through the streets of a fairly faraway city in the East, a gray traveling cloak draped over his blue military uniform and a wind whipping through his black hair, tossing it and making it even messier than it already was. But it didn't matter – women's heads still turned to look at this handsome, yet dangerous stranger, eyes glittering, mouths opening in dreamy sighs and hearts longing for a man like him.

Colonel Roy Mustang was thoroughly enjoying his day off, and nothing could spoil it. Every now and then he would flash a smile – smirk, actually – at any given direction, so long as it had pretty ladies around to sway. And indeed he swayed them all – including one girl with her jealous boyfriend, who quickly steered her away and kept her from chancing another furtive glance at Roy.

But the women weren't the only sights to see. Roy had never been in this particular city before, if his memory didn't deceive him, and it was a thriving metropolis full of things he had never seen and sounds he had never heard, at least, not in his station in the East. Hell, this place was actually even better than Central, his old post that he sometimes missed. If he had a choice, he would move East HQ into this part of the East…that is, assuming that this city was still part of East Amestris. Roy was pretty good at geography, but he had never known of a city like this existing anywhere in or around Amestris until today.

Still, nothing could ruin his perfect day. Nothing, not even –

"Oh, I'm so sorry!"

His military and alchemic instincts quickly snapping – quite literally – into action, Roy dug his right hand into his pocket and drew it out again, this time shrouded in a white glove with a transmutation circle sewn onto it. He snapped once, twice, and created a flash of fire that encircled him like a dragon, but never intending to hurt the man who had bumped into him – maybe intimidate or forewarn, but not hurt. The Flame Alchemist was above that. But nobody ruined his work-free days…

Of course, when he registered the harmlessness of this stranger – a blond, violet-eyed man casually clothed and freely sauntering down the sidewalk as though he were floating on air – and set his instincts aside, the flames disappeared, and Roy knew he owed this man an apology.

"No…I'm sorry," said Roy, grinning sheepishly. "Guess I've been working too hard."

The man said nothing, but continued to stare at Roy with wide, aghast eyes, starting from the top of his head and down to his boots, stopping to glance at his gloved hand and probably sensing the heat and smoke left behind by the fire. The colonel could barely read the look on this man's face – was he scrutinizing him, like he was some kind of lab rat? Had he never seen this kind of alchemy before? Roy and his fiery alchemy had quite a reputation in Amestris; it was rare to find anyone who didn't know him…

"No, no, it's all right," he finally spoke, his voice a rather light baritone. "You can call me Narumi. And you are…?"

So the latter theory was more plausible, Roy knew. "I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, also known as the Flame Alchemist." And he couldn't help but brag.

The two of them shook hands and exchanged warm smiles, but Narumi surprised Roy by suddenly exclaiming, "At last, I've found a substitute teacher!"

"What?"

"Oh…I guess I forgot to tell you. I teach at a school not too far from here, called the Alice Academy. I'm the homeroom teacher of an elementary class, but unfortunately, I have to leave them for a while and need someone to take over. But it looks like luck's on my side today! Was that your Alice?"

"Alice?" Roy repeated. "Who's Alice?" Perhaps it was someone he already knew, as he dated a girl – or two, maybe more – named Alice in the past…

"You know…it's a special ability," said Narumi, nodding. "There are many different types and forms, and yours reminds me of one particular student in the Academy. Your Alice must be fire."

So that was what he was talking about, mused Roy to himself. "You mean my alchemy?"

"Alchemy?" It was Narumi's turn to echo.

"You know…understanding the composition of an object, breaking it down and then reforming or modifying it into something else?" recited the Flame Alchemist from memory. "Actually, in my case, I assess the composition of the air, modify the oxygen density and combine it with heat from friction, in this case, when I snap."

Narumi stroked his chin for a moment, digesting this information. "I see. So you have an Alice of alchemy, or do you just call Alices alchemy, wherever you come from?"

For several seconds, silence reigned over them as he waited for an answer, and Roy desperately tried to search for one. But in the end, it was Narumi again who broke the long pause.

"Hmm…well, this alchemy of yours sounds – and looks – like a special ability of sorts, like what we call an Alice. Are you interested in becoming a teacher, even for just a few weeks or so?"

"A teacher?" Years of training kept Roy's jaw from dropping straight onto the pavement. "You mean…"

"I've been looking for a substitute for a long time. I teach Japanese, and I've already found a Japanese teacher who's willing to take over, but isn't willing to become the homeroom teacher for my elementary class."

"Well…what are you up to, which is supposedly more important than your classes?" asked Roy, raising an eyebrow.

Narumi shifted around. "It's confidential business," he blurted out. "It'll just be for a while, anyway. Please?"

"I already have a job working for the Amestrian military," was the terse reply. "Ask someone else." Another breeze blew past the men, lifting Roy's cloak as he started to walk away. But Narumi wouldn't have any of it. He strode forward and stretched out an arm, laying a firm hand on Roy's shoulder.

Stopping and turning around, the Flame Alchemist saw a genuine, beseeching expression etched on Narumi's face. He looked so desperate that a part of Roy almost wanted to give in; help the guy…and maybe this could be one way of getting away from the grueling paperwork back at East HQ…

"Please," whispered the teacher. "You'll get paid, we'll provide you with everything you'll need, even contact the military you serve and tell them you will be absent for a couple of weeks, a bit more, but not more than a month. It won't be that hard – and I'll brief you on how everything goes in the Academy. Judging from how you described your al – alchemy, it sounds like a combination of technical and latent, but since you control fire, you would definitely fall under the dangerous type."

This time, both of Roy's eyebrows went up, almost disappearing into his hair. He took a deep breath, stuffed his hands into his pockets, and stared at Narumi for a long, long time. The sounds of the city seemed to be amplified a hundredfold, until Roy gave his verdict.

"It always happens…I'm just too much of a softie. Fine, I'll take the job. But only till you return from whatever you have to do, all right? And you tell everyone else at Eastern Headquarters where I'll be. And, start briefing me now what the hell this Alice business is all about."

"No problem," said Narumi, extending his hand. The two of them shook on it. "I'd give you a tour of the academy as well, but it's quite big, and you won't need it if you're just going to fill in for me. And be glad I didn't use my human pheromone Alice on you."

"Right…so where is this so-called academy?" asked Roy.

Narumi chuckled, but quickly covered his mouth before he really laughed his head off. "It's the big gate right beside us! Haven't you noticed?"

Craning his neck, Roy finally noticed the huge metal gate that led to something like an enormous manor. There were a few buildings in the distance, but he had never expected something like a school for children with special abilities to be as big as a small town. He glared at the teacher, who started chortling again after seeing the stupefied look on Roy's face.

"Well, what are we standing around here for?" asked Narumi, when he calmed down. "Come on!"

---

"I saw you just outside the Academy – the two of you, to be exact," said a woman with light blond hair, her hands hovering over a misty crystal ball on her table. She closed her eyes briefly and smiled. "So, Narumi, you've finally found a substitute teacher. Will he be able to teach English?"

"What do you mean?" asked Roy, his eyes still darting around the main faculty office, meeting the gazes of the other teachers in the Alice Academy, scrutinizing them as they did him.

"Miss Serina Yamada teaches English. She has the Alice of sight, which means she can see any aspect of the present in her crystal ball. She will be watching me closely after I leave, in case anything happens, and thus she won't be able to attend her classes, either. Not only will you become the substitute homeroom teacher for Elementary Class B, Mr. Mustang, but also the substitute English teacher."

Roy twiddled his fingers, nodding absently. "Right. So, what are the types of – "

A new, stringent voice interrupted their conversation. "Narumi, how sure are you that this man is even remotely capable of handling a class? You just picked him out of the streets after seeing his Alice of – "

"Alchemy," Roy either corrected, or added.

"He's not even an Alice! He said so himself!"

"An Alice is a special power that only a handful of people possess. According to Mr. Mustang, not everyone in the country where he comes from knows alchemy, so that must mean it is a special ability of some sort. Why don't you give Jinno a personal demonstration?"

Roy stared at Narumi. "A personal demonstration of my alchemy – Alice – whatever?"

Narumi nodded, and so did Serina, who was now watching the scene instead of her crystal ball. The rest of the teachers put down their work as well to see what kind of power the substitute teacher possessed.

A small green frog on Jinno's shoulder croaked as the rod he was holding started to crackle and sparkle with electricity. Jinno himself seemed to crackle and sparkle with suppressed infuriation and contempt, and he focused his dangerously narrowed eyes on Roy alone.

But Roy was faster. He raised his right hand, already shrouded in white ignition cloth touched with red threads intertwined into a strange design, and snapped. More sparks suddenly flew from Jinno's wand, no longer the whitish-gold threads of lightning, but were splashed with red, orange and yellow. Jinno gasped and dropped his wand as it burst into flames, and in a panic-stricken spell, stomped all over it to put out the fire before examining his hand for any burns while cursing under his breath.

The office echoed with applause and cheers, especially from Narumi and Serina. Roy simply stood there, drinking in the attention and pocketing his glove again. Neither could he resist smirking widely at Jinno, who threw him a dirty look in reply.

"Fine," he muttered, now sure that his hand was not seriously injured – only a bit red from a few first-degree burns. "Your Alice reminds me of a student's Alice though."

"That's true," chimed in another teacher. "Maybe they're related. They even have the same hair color!"

"Do you think they also have the same Alice shape?" asked yet another.

Narumi laughed and held up a hand. "Okay, okay, everyone. I think Mr. Mustang – Roy – needs a little orientation right now, so he knows the ins and outs of the Academy. Then we can introduce him to his advisory class, give him the necessary lesson plans and papers – "

"Paperwork?" gasped Roy, strongly reminded of his workload back in Eastern Headquarters. "You never mentioned anything about paperwork!"

"Being a teacher isn't as easy as it looks. Are you and your Alice up for the challenge…Mustang?" asked Jinno cynically. "Besides, you can't just teach a class without being ready or without knowing what you're going to teach them."

"Why don't we start first with the briefing, and then end with the paperwork?" suggested Roy, glaring back at Jinno. "And this should be easy, just like being in the military!"

"The…military?" repeated Serina.

"Not our military, that's for sure. Looks like there'll be a lot of explaining to do before I leave," said Narumi, crossing the office towards his table. He dug through his bag, apparently checking if something was there, and quickly closed it again. But before he did, Roy caught a glimpse of something white and tied up with string – a wad of envelopes.

"I hope you have a much better reason this time," grumbled Jinno. "These days, you've been coddling that Mikan Sakura as if she were your daughter. But that, or the new star on her uniform, doesn't change the fact that she is a troublemaker! Are you trying to send her letters?"

Roy blinked. "A troublemaker?"

Narumi sighed and shook his head. "We'll get to that later. Okay, you already know the basic definition of an Alice. Now you should know the different types and shapes it has…"

"And then I'll have to send a letter to Eastern Headquarters before they start sending out a search party," added Roy. "After all, I never thought I'd end up becoming a teacher until today."

"Don't worry – it'll be fun!" Narumi reassured him.

"There are five types of Alice," Serina began. "Latent, Technical, Somatic, Special Ability, and Dangerous…"

"Which are different from the shapes; Childhood, Diffuse, Intermittent, and Limitless."

"Narumi, I haven't even explained the types yet, or the star rankings of the students."

"Oh, sorry."

"If I'm supposed to be a teacher, then why do I feel like a student right now?" quipped Roy, plopping into the nearest armchair and making himself comfortable.

Jinno was the only teacher who didn't laugh.

"If you're that excited to teach, don't worry – this won't take long," said Narumi, winking.