Staring at nothing.
Lying on the floor, staring at nothing – well, technically the ceiling, but it doesn't have anything helpful to add to the situation.
Lying there, arms out and legs wide and my entire body limp, staring at nothing.
There are no thoughts and no feelings and no stabbing pain in my muscles and just under my arms and slanting just perfectly so that it feels like my heart has become a sieve.
Every second lasts too long and not long enough.
The pain starts, running from my armpit straight inside of me and aching inside my heart, each moment too painful to survive.
And then the pain passes and there really is nothing, just floating and the pain has stopped and the feeling would be euphoric except…
…Except the fear. Not that the pain will come again. If the last was bearable, the next will be. No, not the fear that the pain will come again.
The fear that the pain is gone forever.
Because if the pain doesn't come again, everything is over. Nothing, nothing, forever and ever nothing. Nothing to expect, nothing to look forward to, nothing ever changing again and how could that have once seemed like a good thing?
Every… single… second.
It lasts forever, the waiting. No joy in it. No sadness, either.
There is death in those seconds, waiting to see whether the world has died this time.
Waiting for my life to end.
And then, just when it's done and the fear can be given up and there's really, really going to be nothing, the stabbing starts under my arms and I'm dying and my heart is on fire and I'm dying and the pain is everything, filling the nothing of the waiting.
But I'm not dead yet.
Not until the pain stops forever.
No, not yet…
So... The inspiration for this one was a HP fic I was reading, Memoirs of a Serpent's Son by Angelsfear on Y!Gallery. There was a sentence - "You'll never understand the length of a single second until you have to sit and wait for your life to end" - that made me think of Akito... so.