Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. It is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto. All rights reserved.
And Now for Something Completely Different!
Pairings: Sakura/Everyone, other minor pairings
Rating: T to M
Summary: Series of pointless, random, fluffy, plot-less, and humorous one-shots focused on Haruno Sakura. OOC-ness ahead!
Warning: Cursing, sexual hints & humor, character poking, OOC characters, not very canon, and lot of mindless humor.
Dedicated: To the lovers and fans of Haruno Sakura and all of those who really just want a nice, good laugh!
Story One: Sakura's stay at the Akatsuki.
An Akatsuki's Sleepover
"I…uhm, apologize for that. How is your nose?" Sakura asked, looking a bit sheepish.
"Quite alright, Sakura. I have to apologize for my appearance." Pein said, keeping an icepack pressed against his nose. He was pleased that none of his piercings were jammed up into his brain. "I was not expecting such a reaction."
"Hmph, I'm starting to get use to it." She grumbled. "Every single damn person seems to think I don't know how to defend myself. Like I haven't been training for most of my life to fight." She grunted as she took a sip of tea.
If someone had told her she would be having tea with the friggen Akatsuki Leader, she would've admitted them to a padded cell. But here she was! Talking over tea with Pein after she socked him in the face.
He was a handsome bugger. She would give him that. Even with all the piercings, which some how suited him, he was another one of those good-looking shinobi. Was this world made for girls? Cause it seems that approximately 94% of the male population was gorgeous in the face, gorgeous in the body, or gorgeous head and body.
Not like she was complaining. Well, not exactly…
Sakura just found it strangely annoying. Did the gods want every female to be distracted from their ninja-ways and want to do nothing but make babies? Cause, daaaaaaamn these boys were fiiiiine.
"I did not mean that." He apologized, sounding sincere. "Merely that…well, not many expect a punch in the face."
"Well…yeah, I guess." She sighed, shrugging a bit. "So, are you going to be the one to tell me why I am here? I'm assuming that I am a hostage for one of the many people I am associated with. And I will tell you, I won't let you use me like that."
"I admit, that is part of the reason. I'm sorry, but we are a business with a goal. However, it is not the only reason."
"Oh?" She inquired, tilting a brow. "And what of these other reasons?"
"We would like you to stay here with us."
"Uuuh…care to elaborate there, Pein-san? Cause….what?"
He chuckled. Such an amusing girl. She had such fire and strength in her. But her gentle nature truly grabbed their attention. The girl had such a big heart, too big for anyone in this bitter world. She struggled to kill and would rather heal instead. He and the others in the Akatsuki strived for that light.
Starved for it.
So, after seeing her once (truly, that's all it took) they all became totally and helplessly and insanely obsessed…ahem, totally in love with her he meant to say. Yes, love. It wasn't like he had a locket of her picture under his cloak or that he kept sending his organization out to steal a lock of her pretty pink hair.
Of course not! So stop asking!
"I want you to be part of the Akatsuki." He finally explained.
And Haruno Sakura suffered a brain fart like no other.
"What?" She asked, unsure she heard him right. She even tried to clean out her ears thinking there was something lodged in them.
"Do not act so surprised, you must be aware of your own abilities. The Akatsuki has many strong shinobi. But we have yet to gain someone with the power of healing. It is something we greatly need." Pein explained.
"REJECTED!" Sakura shrieked, crossing her arms in front of her. A big ol' X to further prove her rejection to the heartbroken man.
"B-But you haven't even heard what we could offer you."
"I'm not going to betray my village!"
"You get full benefits! Dental plan even!" Pein cried out, trying to get her to see reason.
"We'll be your slaves!" He tried to bargain, tackling her by the waist. "You can have your way with us 24-7!"
"OFF! I don't wanna be an Akatsuki!" She whined, trying to push the leader off of her.
"I WANT YOU TO BE!"
"NOOOO! GET OFF DAMN YOU!"
"HAVE MY BABIES!"
"NO MEANS GOD DAMN NO!"
"Are…you for real?" Naruto asked, twitching at the sight.
"Akamaru is very confident this is the place." Kiba growled, not liking that he was being doubted.
"But…really?" Kankuro asked, crouching down. "It doesn't seem real."
"Look, are we just going to be gawking about this all day or are we going to go down into it and rescue Sakura?" Shikamaru sighed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "So troublesome."
What the group was looking at was a trap door, smack in the middle of the woods, with "Akatsuki Lair" carved into the wooden door.
"I don't care what it is." Shino noted. "We need to get down in there."
"Right. I'm going to save my Sakura-chan!" He smirked at Gaara. "I doubt that bottle on your back will fit. Guess you will have to stay put here." He pulled open the door, poking his head in.
Gaara twitched and used his foot to shove the idiot in.
Naruto shrieked in fear, followed by a groan of agony as he smacked the hard ground face first. "O-Ow…."
"Moron." Gaara looked at his brother. "You stay on guard out here."
"What?! Why me?" He whined.
"Because I am your Kazekage and can order you around. We need someone to watch over to make sure we don't get trapped inside this thing."
Kankuro opened and closed his mouth, getting all sulky. He hated having a little brother that bossed him around. "Fine."
Shikamaru looked at the rest of the team, "Actually, Shino, I need you to do the same. With your bugs you will be able to tell when someone is coming. And Akamaru will stay here too."
The dog whimpered, not too happy.
"Hey buddy. I would take you if I could…but you just can't fit down there. You behave and help watch over everything here. I'll bring Sakura back real soon." Kiba comforted, hugging the adorable overgrown mutt.
Akamaru gave him a big kiss before a nudge towards the door.
Kiba grinned and jumped down.
"HOLY HELL KIBA! MY SPINE! MY MOTHER FUCKING SPINE!"
"Heh, what? You mean you weren't laying here to be a pillow? My bad."
"Alright, Gaara, Neji, and myself will get down there and rescue Sakura. If we need help we will send out a signal to you." He tapped the earphones signaling he was all set in getting a hold of them. "Stay vigilant."
"Better bring back my Sakura." Kankuro whined as the rest of them jumped down.
"FRIGGEN GOD! STOP USING ME AS A PILLOW!"
"Will you answer our questions without the aid of torture?" Kakashi asked coolly, looking down at the woman who had attacked him before. "We are very willing to do anything to get information about Haruno Sakura."
"Oh psh," Chiyou scoffed. "I haven't run away now, have I? I came back to Suna. And don't take that tone. I'm older than you, dumbass. Show proper respect."
"Hard to show respect to someone who betrayed their country and got a girl kidnapped by a notorious gang." Temari growled. "Where is Sakura?"
"Oh stop bawling. You know she isn't going to be hurt. Sasori-chan wouldn't raise a hand to that girl." She huffed; hating what was being insinuated by the group. "Notorious? Pha! They're nothing but love-struck boys who wanted a chance to talk with the girl they like. I just wanted to give my grandson a chance to win her over."
Chouji heaved a sigh, "More fans of Sakura-san?"
"Quite a catch that girl is!" Chiyou grinned. "Reminds me a lot of myself. Every man in every village wanted me. Siiigh, I was just too gorgeous for my own damn good. Why, even Sarutobi was after me! What a lover that man was. Even good before he passed on."
And that was how every face within the interrogation room went a solid green.
Sakura was back in her princess room, sulking. This time the door had been locked and sealed with chakra. It would be hard to break out of. And she didn't even know how she could escape with the dark maze waiting for her out there.
"Stupid Akatsuki." She grumbled stuffing her face with the cold breakfast Kisame had left for her. "I can't believe they actually thought I would join this organization! Pha!" She tilted the plate back and engulfed the whole mess of pancakes in one chomp.
Naruto has been rubbing off of her well and it felt like she hadn't had anything to eat in days.
"Hmph!" She wiped her mouth of the syrup. "Damn that shark-boy cooks good!" She ate up the rest, unable to stop herself.
"Sakura-chaaan?" A new voice piped up, knocking on the other side of the door.
"Hmm?" She looked up, surprised. Smacking her chest hard to get the food to go down, she prepared herself for another pervert. "Who is it?"
"It's Tobi! Tobi is a good boy and wants to see the pretty Sakura-chan! Can Tobi do that? Tobi really wants too! Pleaaaaaase!" The person on the other side begged.
"Uuh…ok?" She has not heard of Tobi before. It would be very beneficial for her to see all of them and gather as much information as she could about each member.
"Whee!" The door opened and in came a very unusual man. Except for some wild black hair, everything else was covered. His face was hidden behind a mask except for a small eye-hold on his right side.
"Ooh," He bounced over to her, acting like a hyper kid. "Everyone right! Sakura is super super pretty!"
"U-Uhm, t-t-thank you, Tobi. That is very nice of you to say."
He beamed, or she assumed he did as he flopped on her lap like a house-cat.
"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi really likes Sakura-chan!" He reached up and played with her hair. "Sakura-chan is a medical-nin, right?"
She blinked, blushing a bit. 'Ok…I now proclaim thee the most adorable Akatsuki of all time.' She smiled, thinking he wasn't that bad. "Yes, Tobi. I am one."
"Sakura-chan is really talented. Tobi bets you could do anything with your medical-talent!"
She giggled modestly, "I think you were misinformed. I'm not that amazing. I started off my training a bit late so I am not as advanced as I would like."
"B-But Sakura-chan does so many great things! Tobi has heard a lot of stories. Also that Sakura-chan is really nice. One of the kindest in the whooooole world."
"Well, I am sure a lot would disagree with you there." She said in good humor.
"Well they are stupid and meanies!" He huffed. "Sakura-chan is now Akatsuki, yes?"
"Huh? Well, no. I'm not going to betray my village, Tobi."
"Oooh…you have a lot of loyalty too." He tugged at her pink hair a bit. "You are a lot like her, Sakura-chan."
She blinked, "Like who?"
"My Rin-chan! My Rin-chan didn't make it….but I feel like she is here again through you."
Sakura's eyes softened. Maybe that was why he became an Akatsuki. 'He must've loved that girl a lot. Poor guy.' "Rin-chan is a very pretty name."
"Uh-huh! But Tobi is a good boy and won't play favorites! He really likes Sakura-chan too!"
She giggled, "Well, I feel honored about that."
"Hey…you'll be my Rin-chan now, right?" He picked himself up and leaned towards her.
"U-Uh…no, Tobi. I can't do that. Even if I joined the Akatsuki, I could never replace someone like your Rin-chan."
He was silent for a moment than he nodded. "You are a good person, Sakura-chan! Much better than Tobi. You don't act mean or do anything bad to other people." He nodded again. "Tobi really likes Sakura-chan."
Sakura was getting a bit confused. "W-Well, I guess…Sakura likes Tobi too. Tobi seems really nice."
"Oh, but Tobi isn't!"
"Huh? But you seem nice and you said you were a good boy."
"Tobi is a bad boy, Sakura-chan." The man now purred, his whole demeanor changing. Slowly he began removing his mask, showing a scarred but very handsome face underneath. "Will you help punish him?"
Sakura paled, backing up against the pillows of the bed. "Oh friggen hell on a cheese platter."
Tsunade growled, holding back her tears as she glared at her paperwork. Why did she have to stay here and be responsible when her baby was out there?
It wasn't fair! She was the Hokage. She should be out there doing whatever she wanted! Instead, the traitor Shizune was keeping her locked up so that she didn't leave her work.
"I want my Sakura-chaaaan! I swear, after this, the girl is going to be locked up in the Hokage tower, never to leave again! I won't let anyone take my baby away! She is far too delicate for this evil world."
Feel passionate, she stepped on her desk, pointing to the air. "I swear, nothing will ever touch my Sakura-chan again! No evil disgusting boys, no creepy organizations, and no stalkers! NEVER!"
"TSUNADE-SAMA! Stop making speeches and get to work!"
The blond huffed and slouched in her chair, "Evil Shizune."
Sasuke looked around, getting more and more frustrated by the second. "Where the hell is that idiotic brother? How dare he steal MY woman away from me?"
He continued to search, never realizing he was going in the total wrong direction.
"So, the Akatsuki wants Sakura for their own." Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. He was still trying not to throw up after the mental picture of the fourth Hokage getting it on with Chiyou…just a few months before he died. "My student sure is popular!"
"But this is very dangerous for Sakura-san!" Lee cried out. "While they might be blinded by her youthful beauty they might do something very unforgivable!"
"Yes, Kakashi, would you please quickly inform the rest on the Akatsuki's plans. It might make them panic but they need to know what they're dealing with." Chouji asked.
Kakashi nodded and left the room to get in contact with the group of men.
"Ino, I am going to need you to take over Chiyou's body. Is there anyway you might be able to check out her memories? She claims she doesn't know where they are hiding, but that doesn't mean it is true."
"Chouji-kuuun," Ino purred as she grabbed on to the poor boy. "You won't think less of me if I do that right? You'll know I'll still be a sexy hot blond, ready for you right?"
"E-Erm…" Chouji coughed, trying to worm his way out of the girl's tight hold. "O-O course I wont' see you any differently, Ino. This is just work after all. F-For Sakura-san!"
"Now don't treat the bimbo with kind words, Chouji-kun!" Temari shoved the other blond off of him and began to cuddle. "We all know she is going to be a nasty old croon. This is just a peek of what she will become!"
"Back off from my chubby-hubby bitch!" Ino snarled.
"Come over here and make me, hooker!"
Hinata sighed and pulled Chouji away before he could get mixed up in their catfight. "Girls, please. I know we all want Chouji-kun for ourselves. But we need to think of Sakura-chan right now. She is in danger and it is possible the only way to save her is for Ino to get into Chiyou's mind."
The two blonds pulled away from each other, growling.
"I-I guess you are right Hinata." Ino sighed, feeling shameful.
"Yes. Sakura comes first." Temari nodded.
TenTen beamed, "I am so proud of you Hinata-chan!"
Hinata beamed, "Besides, we all know Chouji-kun is going to marry me!" She pressed herself against him. "Well all know he would want a girl with more substance to her."
"And now that pride has been totally annihilated."
"BITCH!" The other two shrieked as they tackled the smug Hyuuga.
"Oh good god…Sakura is going to so be molested." Chouji whimpered, watching the three claw each other's eyes out.
Sakura was not doing too well. This man who she had thought was a total sweetheart turned out to be another psychopath and was trying to get her out of her clothes.
"W-W-What a-are you d-doing! Bad Tobi! Bad!" She shoved her sandal in his face, trying to push him away from her.
"Come on Sakura-chaaan! I know you have a thing for Uchihas!" He moved his hands frantically, trying to grab at her.
"You're…an Uchiha?" Friggen score! She just got herself some juicy information for the village. "And I don't caaaaare! Back off!"
"Come on, let Tobi make you feel good!"
"I SAID BACK OFF!" She snarled, putting chakra into her foot and kicking him into the wall. "Bastard! Hmph!" She straightened out her clothes and then stormed out of the room, ignoring the twitching man embedded into the plaster and rocks.
"W-What a woman." Tobi/Obito laughed weakly, before sliding down in an unconscious lump.
"I'll get out of here myself! Hmph, stupid…pig-headed…moronic…perverted….bastards! Hmph, hmph, hmph!" She huffed, stomping down the long hall. They all had better stay out of her way or she was going to pull their spines out from their mouths.
Haruno Sakura was no longer amused.
"What?" Shikamaru stopped, holding his earpiece. "Are you sure about that?" He paused as he listened then cursed. "Shit, I should've expected that. Yes, alright. Understood."
Neji looked concerned, "What is it?"
"That was Kakashi. It seems that Chiyou wanted to help her grandson and the others in the Akatsuki give her great-grandbabies."
It was silent for a moment before a panicked and jealous Naruto snapped.
"NOOOOO! MY SAKURA-CHAN WILL ONLY HAVE BABIES WITH ME!" And ran down the dark path as fast as he could.
They others, feeling just the same way, rushed right after him, not giving a damn if there were traps awaiting them.
And hey, the idiot was rushing blindly first. So if anyone was going to be hurt it would be him.
"HELP MEEEEE!" Chouji squealed as the girls tried to get his clothes off of him. Seems they got tired of fighting each other and decided to prove themselves in a much different way.
A way that would require the sweetheart of a man to be stripped down.
"I'll show you what it's like to be with a real woman, Chouji-kun!" Hinata cried out, trying to elbow the other two away.
"Psh, you know he wants me!" Ino snarled.
"He wants a real woman! An older woman!" Temari hissed.
"G-Guys w-we need t-to help S-Sakura-chan!" He sobbed out, knowing if he didn't find a way to distract them he was going to be in so much pain and humiliation. Contrary to popular belief, a man can be straight and not have women-degrading, perverted thoughts rushing through his head 18 times a day.
And this is exactly why he was about to be raped.
"Oh yes. MY best friend." Ino exclaimed.
"Oh good grief." Chouji groaned. "If it's not one thing it's another…"
"YOU MEAN MINE!"
He turned and looked at his fellow comrades, begging for some help as he was pinned down by three psycho possessive girls and could really use some assistance.
TenTen and Lee took one look at the sight, locked arms, and decided now was a perfect time to go on a romantic 'let's betray our friend' date. They skipped off, wanting to eat some of Suna's delicacies.
"If we can't hear you it's not betrayal! It's irresponsible negligence!"
"I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!
"We can't hear you! We are being irresponsible!"
"Oooh Chouji-kun. You know that I'm the best for you and the best friend for Sakura-chan, right?" Temari batted her eyes.
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM BITCH!"
Chouji whimpered as the fight started all over again.
Sakura stopped her stomping and gasped. She knew that loud, annoying voice. "N-Naruto! NARUTO!"
Down the hall, the future Hokage stopped, looking around wide-eye. "SAKURA-CHAN!" He rushed forward, looking near tears when he saw the pinkette rushing towards him as fast as she could.
"Naruto!" She cried out happily, so relieved to see him. "Oh my god, Naruto! It is you!"
"Sakura-chan! It's my Sakura-chan!"
"Naruto, you dolt, watch out!" Neiji cried out.
Both Sakura and Naruto skidded to a halt, four feet from each other, just as a large multi-blade scythe flew through the air and embedded itself in the wall between them.
"I think not you fox fucker." Yet another voice Sakura didn't know piped in. "This girl is ours."
Sakura twitched as the man stepped out from the shadow. Another handsome bastard. Why must everyone who was good-looking totally suck in personality?
This one with slicked back silver hair, deep purple eyes, and a weird medallion on his chest.
"I already told your leader: I will NOT join the Akatsuki!" She growled. "I am going home with Naruto and the rest of my friends right now!"
"I think not you fine ass bitch. Damn, those legs are fucking sexy." He purred, still cursing.
The group twitched at the vulgarity of the man.
"Hey! Watch your mouth! We have a lady present, bastard!" Kiba snarled, pointing at the Akatsuki.
"I can talk however I want to, dumb-ass! And all of you…what are you even doing here? How did you come to find this place?"
Shikamaru tilted a brow, "The door wasn't exactly covered in the forest. And 'Akatsuki Lair' was carved on it."
"DAMN YOU TOBI!" The man roared down the hall.
"T-Tobi is a boy in pain…" Was the only response he received.
"Tch, stupid fucker." He turned back to the group. "Look, Sakura-babe, you are going to be a good bitch and stay here."
"No!" She said, stomping her feet.
"Come ooooon! You'll even get dental! Do you know how hard it is to get that here? A-And we'll be your love-slaves!" He cried out, pulling his weapon back to his side. "You will be part of the group that will take over the world!"
"I. Said. NO!" She roared, pumping all her chakra into her fist and slammed it on the ground, sending a wave of earth and broken stone towards the man.
"Wow, such beauty and power. I'm even more in loAAAUGH!" he cried out as he was crushed. "A-And y-ou bring m-me s-such g-glorious p-pain….o-o-oww…"
Sakura huffed and turned and glared at the gaping men. "We're leaving NOW."
"Y-Yes m-ma'am!" They yelped, saluting her as she stormed down the hall where they came from.
Up within a secret control room, a stunning woman with blue-hair smirked as she watched everything conspire on the many secret video cameras.
"Well, that was certainly an interesting escapade." She giggled. "I think once the boys are all healed up we'll make another attempt at Haruno Sakura." She leaned back in her swirly chair, blowing some loose strands from her face. "It will be nice to get a female presences around her. I'm so tired of all of this ridiculous testosterone."
She flicked the cameras around, taking in the mess the pinkette had left behind.
Tobi, Hidan, and Pein would need to be sent to the infirmary. And probably spend about a week there.
Deidara, Kisame, and Sasori were now officially blubbering messes. They were completely heartbroken their darling Sakura-chan had been stolen from them.
Konan made a mental note to give the fish-man a hug later. Out of everyone here, she liked him the most. That and he made the best pancakes ever.
Itachi was stabbing pins into dolls of those who stole her.
And Kakazu looked like he was about to go hang himself at the price tag this whole mess was going to cost them all.
"That girl caused so much pain and damage…" Konan beamed, "I think I will make her my best friend!"
After the small group had rushed out of the secret base, they paused to catch their breath when they about three and a half miles from the location. Not near far enough to feel safe, but just enough to tone their incredible speed down to at least something that didn't make them all ready to gag.
"Sakura-chan, how about you get on my back?" Naruto offered. "You had a really terrible time and you look really exhausted."
She gave him a smile in gratitude. "That's ok Naruto. We're all tired. It wouldn't be fair for me to do that."
"Of course it is! You were kidnapped by the Akatsuki! You just pulverized one! I think out of all of us, you deserve to take it easy the most." Kiba inputted, stunned she could be so blind at times.
"Sakura," Gaara's strict voice echoed. "Just get on his back."
Sakura bit her lip, debating, before she nodded and jumped on the blonde's back (who looked very pleased).
"Thank you." She nuzzled against him, much to the jealousy of everyone else.
"Well, you just rest up Sakura-chan. We'll get you home reason soon." Naruto comforted.
She smiled, "Thank you."
'MUWHAHA! SHE'S MINE! BETTER BELIEVE IT BASTARDS!' Naruto and the Kyuubi howled in victory.
The rest just promised to sneak in some laxatives in his next ramen splurge.
Elsewhere within the world…
"WHERE THE HELL IS MY SAKURA?!" Sasuke roared.
And that was how Sakura was rescued, Chouji was molested, TenTen and Lee went on a date, Kakashi strangely didn't reappear, Chiyou made everyone ill, the Akatsuki was reduced to tears, Naruto earned laxatives in his ramen, Tsunade got back to work, and Sasuke became totally lost.
True, there was not much sleeping involved in this sleepover (if you don't count the men who will be in a coma for a few days) but it was certainly an adventure!
But what else is to come? With so many hot, baby-making-ready suitors can our favorite pinkette survive?
Who knows? Certainly will be fun watching her struggle!
Next Time: Sakura and the rest of the group finally decide to explain all and answer the hate.
Author: Been a looong time since I've done anything with this fic! I've missed it a lot. Luckily you shouldn't have to wait another five years for an update. I actually got a few of one-shots completed now. So, whenever I feel like it's been enough time (since I plan on updating other things as well) I'll just pop up another one-shot!
Be on the look out: I am revising, editing, and rewriting a lot of my fics (Naruto and all the others) and also plan on updating some more real soon and adding new ones to the collection. Hope you all will enjoy them once they are out! I can't promise too much attention to all the fics due to school and I'm writing a fantasy-series (hope to get it published), but hopefully this will not be put into the closet for years and years with not touching it.
Also, just as a reminder: This is just a funky little collection of one-shots/two-shots/three-shots (at the most). Unless I say otherwise in the introduction, they will pretty much be standing on their own and won't be sequels of each other.
Another thing, this is just for fun. I will definitely put attention and work into each of these. But they certainly won't be as…strictly looked after as the more serious chapter-fics. So some might feel like they end a little fast or something like that. Don't come in expecting wonderful pieces of (fan)fiction. This is pure humor and a great little escape.
Hope to see you all again soon! Hugs & Loves!