Disclaimer – I own nothing.
A/N – Well, here's yet another oneshot! This one's kinda long :) Several people asked for a Jeff/Candice pairing, so here it is!
Pairings – Jeff/Candice, Orton/Melina, Cena/Torrie, Batista/Victoria, Jericho/Maria
Valentine's Day From Hell
"So what're you gettin' Melina for Valentine's Day?" John Cena asked his friend Randy Orton as he did pushups on the floor of the men's locker room.
"A bouquet of white roses, Victoria told me they're her favorite, one of those little heart candy box things, a pink I-Pod, and Mercedes."
"What!?" About three people exclaimed at once. "A Mercedes? Are you crazy dude!?"
"No you idiots," Randy replied, rolling his eyes, "Not a Mercedes, just plain Mercedes!!"
"You lost me man." Dave Batista told him.
"It's the name of the puppy I'm picking up for her!! You guys really thought I bought her a car for Valentine's Day!?"
"Well you certainly would've been rewarded tomorrow night if you had…" John said with a wink.
Randy shrugged. "Hey, I gotta save something for her Birthday!"
The guys chuckled.
"So what're you getting Torrie?" Orton asked John.
"Well," John began, stopping the pushups and getting up. "I was thinkin' I'd get her some sexy lingerie, and maybe a pair of handcuffs."
Dave snickered. "What have you been smokin,' Cena? You're gonna get smacked!"
"Naw, it'll be alright. Me and Torrie have a… special relationship. I'll be fine."
"No, you'll be dead. And don't think we'll be paying for your funeral, assclown." A certain someone stated as he walked in.
"Jericho? What the hell are you doin' here?" John asked.
"Came to see Maria, of course." Chris replied. "What're you assclowns doing?"
"Talking about Valentines Day." Orton replied.
"Ah, discussing the day straight from hell. The day that gets a few couples together, and breaks a bunch apart. The day where if you don't treat your girlfriend like a queen, she cuts your balls off with a butcher knife. Luckily, I've escaped all that bullshit this year." Chris told them.
"Really? How's that?" Dave asked.
Chris gawked at him. "I thought it would be obvious, jerky! I'm dating Maria for god's sake. Ma-ri-a!! Get it?"
"Nope." Dave replied.
"Good lord, and you're supposed to be the smart one!! She won't care if I don't get her anything! Hell, I could bust up her rental car with a baseball bat and kill her parents, and if I said sorry, she'd forgive me!! I'll just say I forgot about the stupid day, then I'll hug her and say I'm sorry, and I'll be in the clear!!"
"Lucky bastard… You got the sweet, innocent one…" Randy muttered. "I mean, I love Melina, but she can be a bitch sometimes. I've never even seen Maria angry!"
"You wanna trade?" Jericho asked.
"Hell no I don't want to trade!!" Randy yelled, sounding appalled. "I'm telling Maria you said that!!"
Jericho shrugged. "Eh, I'll just tell her I'm sorry and it was a joke and she'll forgive me. But then I'll have to tell Melina you called her a bitch…"
"I didn't…" Randy started before he remembered. "Oh shit. Alright Chris, I won't say anything if you don't."
"Fine by me." Jericho replied.
John rolled his eyes, before looking at Batista. "So what're you gettin' Victoria?"
"Some flowers, fancy perfume, and one of them creepy cat statue thingies. It has rubies for eyes and kinda scary expression, but she loves those."
"Cool." Cena replied. "Sounds like a good gift to me. Hey, wait a minute!! Someone in here has been completely silent the whole time we've been talk about Valentine's Day!!"
"Yeah…" Orton said, turning to look at the man curled up on the bench. "Why so quiet, Jeff?"
The younger of the Hardy boys shrugged. "I've just been listening to you guys. That's all."
"So what're you getting Candice, then?" Jericho asked.
"Well… I... Uh…. I'm getting her my love, and uh…"
"You're not getting her anything are you?" Dave asked.
"Dead man walking…" Jericho growled, mimicking the Undertaker's old theme song.
"Yeah man, did you not hear what jerky said about getting your balls cut off!? 'Cause it wasn't a joke!" Cena burst out.
"Well… Chris isn't getting Maria anything…"
"That's because she's like the sweetest girl in the world!!" Randy exclaimed. "Candice will cut you into tiny pieces and bury you all over the world!!"
"No… She won't do that…" Jeff said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself.
"Who won't do what?" The Rated-R Superstar asked as he entered.
"Jeff's not getting Candice anything for Valentine's Day, and he thinks she won't murder him." Jericho told him.
Edge frowned. "Nah, she ain't gonna murder you, Jeff."
"Finally!! Someone on my side!! Thank you!!" Jeff exclaimed.
"She'll torture you until you commit suicide." Edge finished while he picked up his bags.
Mr. Rated-R let out a chuckle. "Well, I have to get to the airport to fly back to Canada; I just had to get my bags. My parents wanted me home for Valentine's Day. I don't know why… They're probably going to set me up with someone they've deemed perfect for me. I just hope it's not a guy this time…"
"Your parents set you up with a guy!?" Randy exclaimed.
"Well you can't really blame them…" Jericho muttered. "I mean, just look at him…"
Edge gave Chris the finger. "Yeah, I'm sure you're good at recognizing gay people. You failed this time though, 'cause the Rated-R Superstar only gets Rated-R with the ladies. I'll see you guys later."
"Later man." Dave and John both told him as he made his exit.
"Hey guys, we need to say our goodbyes to Jeff. I mean, he won't be alive after tomorrow…" Randy told them.
"Shut up…" Jeff muttered.
"Been nice knowin' ya man." Cena told him.
"Yeah, but we ain't payin' for your funeral either." Jericho added.
"Come on guys, quit harassing him." Dave spoke up. "I mean, he's only got one day left to live. We should be nice."
Everyone aside from Jeff burst out laughing.
"You know what? Screw you guys." Jeff said, getting up and walking toward the door.
"Ah come on Jeff! We were just messin' around with ya!" Randy called. "I mean, not about the fact that you're gonna get killed, that's no joke, but we'll all chip in for the funeral!!"
The guys began to cackle again, and Jeff walked out.
"Stupid jerks…" The younger Hardy muttered, looking at the ground as he shuffled down the hall. "Candice won't kill me… Candice won't kill me… Oh lord, Candice is gonna kill me…"
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" A voice asked from in front of him.
Jeff looked up to see Lita standing there. "Oh hey Li… The guys were just saying Candice is gonna kill me because I'm not getting her anything for Valentine's Day."
"Well why not? You still have time to get something, Jeff." She told him.
"I know… But I'm not doing it because I don't want to be like everyone else. I figured Candice and I could just spend a nice night together without presents or anything like that, but now I'm starting to think that's not such a good idea…" He explained.
"Oh Jeff… Don't let the other guys get to you. They're all idiots anyway. Just listen to your heart. If you think Candice would like to spend a quiet night with you, then that's the best way to go."
"But Randy said-"
"Randy's a dumbass."
"But John said-"
"John has about as much common sense as a rock."
"But Chris said-"
"Chris? Chris Jericho? Good god Jeff!! I hope you know better than to listen to that assclown!!"
"But Dave said-"
"Dave's a nice guy, but you know Candice better than him."
"No Jeff. I don't want to hear, 'I guess…' You DO know her better than him. Do what you think she'll like, and ignore the dipshit squad."
Jeff let out a laugh. "The dipshit squad?"
Lita smiled. "Yeah. That's what me and Victoria named your little group."
"Wait a minute… Then I'm one of them!!" Jeff exclaimed.
Lita laughed. "Well yeah, but don't listen to the rest of them."
Jeff shook his head, smirking a little. "Alright, thanks Li. I won't listen to them. I really think Candice would just like to spend some time together."
"Are you crazy, Hardy? She doesn't want to spend time with you! She wants presents!" CM Punk exclaimed as he walked by.
"Oh, SON OF A BITCH!!!" Jeff screamed.
"Calm down Jeff. Remember, ignore them. Just ignore them. You know what Candice would like."
Jeff took a deep breath. "Ok… Ok…"
"Alright, so what do you do when they taunt you about it?"
"I ignore them."
"And what do you do when they say Candice will kill you?"
"I ignore them."
"Good boy. Now that that's straightened out, I have to be going. I need to get my luggage and get the hell out of here. See ya later Jeff!"
The next morning…
"Jeff!!" Get your ass up!! You gotta go get Candice her present!! Oh, that's right… You're not getting her anything…"
Jeff sat up and chucked his pillow at his roommate, who laughed.
"What about you, huh?" Jeff questioned. "Don't you have to get Melina that puppy!?"
"Yeah." Randy replied. "It kinda sucks. My parents are holding on to it, so I have to fly down to St. Louis and back here to California before Melina starts thinking I ditched her on Valentine's Day."
Jeff chuckled. "And how do you think that's gonna work out?"
"Well, considering the fact that it's two in the morning and my flight leaves in a half-an-hour, I think it'll work out just fine."
"What!? You woke me up at two in the morning!? You asshole!! You know I won't be able to get back to sleep!! No wonder I'm so freakin' tired!!"
Randy laughed again. "I know. It sucks for you, huh?"
With that, the Legend Killer exited the hotel room, leaving Jeff to cover his head with the pillow he hadn't thrown and try to back to sleep.
When he still couldn't sleep after about three hours of trying, Jeff decided to just get up.
After changing his clothes and taking a shower, Jeff checked the clock. 5:33. He headed down to the lobby to see if anyone else was awake yet.
To Jeff's surprise, Maria was sitting in an armchair drinking something from a cup.
"Morning Jeff!!" She exclaimed, smiling. "Aren't you excited!? It's Valentine's Day!!"
"Hey Ria…" He said, feeling sorry for her. She was all excited, and Jericho was just going to let her down. He sat down in an armchair nearby hers.
"Why don't you seem happy?" She asked. "Everyone should be happy on Valentine's Day! You get presents, and spend time with your special person, and-"
She cut herself off when Jeff sighed deeply. He made a mental note to beat the living hell out of Jericho, or at least try to. Then he remembered he wasn't getting his girlfriend anything either. Well at least he wasn't going to lie and say he forgot…
"What's wrong?" She asked him.
"Oh, nothing… I'm just not all that excited about Valentine's Day is all."
"Why not? You should be!"
"Well I'm not!"
He didn't mean to snap. He really didn't. It just came out that way, and from the hurt expression on Maria's face, he could tell she noticed.
"Look Maria, I'm sorry I snapped. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just not happy."
"Ok I guess…" She muttered.
He sighed again, before pointing to her drink. "Is that coffee? Where'd you get it?"
"They put the drinks for breakfast out early, but it's not coffee, it's orange juice." She replied.
Jeff groaned, putting his head in his hands for a moment before looking back up. "Well did they have any coffee?"
"I don't think they're going to put that out until breakfast time." She told him.
"You said they put the drinks out."
"Yeah, orange juice and milk."
Jeff looked at Maria. "So why are you up so early?"
"I was too excited to sleep."
"I'm gonna kill him…" Jeff muttered to himself, a little too loudly.
"Who?" Maria asked.
Still tired and a little out of it, Jeff almost blurted, 'Jericho!' but then realized it would be easier if he didn't tell her he was going to kill her boyfriend. Then she'd ask why, and he'd have to be the one to let her down. No. If Jericho was going to be a jackass and break his girlfriend's heart on Valentine's Day, then he'd have to do it himself. Jeff didn't want to see her reaction to that. He couldn't take it when a girl cried.
"Umm… Matt." Jeff lied.
"Why?" Maria asked.
"He… um… was supposed to… um… do something… Listen, Maria, I have to go take care of something. I'll see you later." He said, getting up.
"Ok, bye Jeff!" She exclaimed as he walked away.
He sighed in relief. She'd had apparently bought his poor excuse for wanting to kill his brother.
"Bye!" He called over his shoulder, and then headed to the elevator.
He got in and pushed the button for the third floor, intending to find a certain someone's room and give them a piece of his mind.
When he came to room 326, he knocked on the door. When no one answered, he knocked again.
"Hang on!! Jeez keep your pants on!! I'm comin'!" A voice came from the inside, and a moment later John Cena pulled the door open.
"Jeff!? What the hell do you want? It's not even six in the morning man!! You know I like to sleep in when we can!!"
"Yeah I know, sorry. Randy woke me up at two, and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. You're lucky you don't have a roommate this time."
Cena snickered. "Yeah, it's been nice."
"Anyway," Jeff continued. "Do you know where Jericho's room is? I need to kill him and mutilate the body."
Cena didn't even raise an eyebrow. Enough people wanted to kill Jericho and mutilate the body that it was normal to hear by now. "Yeah, he's just down the hall from here. I think the room number's 347."
"Ok cool, thanks." Jeff replied, walking off toward room 347.
When he got there, he began banging on the door, yelling, "Jericho!! Open the damn door right now!! Common!! Open up!!"
A minute later, an elderly woman, looking to be about 70 or 80, came to the door.
Jeff gulped. "Um… You're not, by chance, Chris Jericho's newest one night stand, are you?"
She slammed the door in his face.
With a groan, Jeff walked back and knocked on Cena's door again.
John pulled it open. "Dude I was just about to get back to sleep! What the hell do you want now!?"
"You gave me the wrong room!!" Jeff yelled.
"Oh. 348 then."
John slammed the door, and Jeff walked to room 348 and knocked more quietly this time, and without screaming.
Jericho pulled it open a moment later. "What?"
"Chris, what the hell!? You had to have heard me screaming at the old lady in the room next to yours, asking for Chris Jericho!"
"Why didn't you come out and tell me I had the wrong room?"
"Because you weren't knocking on my door, so it wasn't my problem. But now it is. So what the hell to you want at six in the morning!?"
Jeff groaned and rolled his eyes. "I wanted to come over here and scream at you. But I don't want to wake up anyone else, so-"
"Anyone else? You already woke up the whole damn hotel with your banging and yelling!"
"Just shut up for a minute!" Jeff yelled, before taking a deep breath.
"Yeah. Deep breaths Jeff. Deep breaths. It'll help with your anger problem."
Jeff was starting to get really pissed, but he told himself to ignore it. "Chris, you have to get Maria something for Valentine's Day and spend time with her. You can't just say you forgot. You wouldn't believe how excited she is. You would crush her."
Jericho rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll get her something, and I'll spend a little time with her. Happy?"
"Well… Yeah!" Jeff exclaimed. He had expected a different answer.
"Good." Chris slammed the door.
Jeff walked off down the hallway. Something about Chris's response seemed… less than sincere.
Oh well. He had given it his best shot.
With a sigh, Jeff headed back to his room, which, thank God, was currently empty of all people named Randy Orton.
He collapsed on the bed, still exhausted from not getting near enough sleep. He hadn't been able to get to sleep earlier, but he was ready to try again. His eyes began closing by themselves, and it wasn't much longer until he was able to fall asleep.
Jeff woke up much later, and rolled over to check the time. One o'clock!? Damn. He must have been dead tired.
Letting out a small groan, he managed to get up and off the bed, stumbling around aimlessly for a moment before he decided he'd head down to the lobby.
When Jeff arrived, He found John, Chris, and Dave sitting in armchairs and talking.
"Well look who's finally up!" Dave called as Jeff took a seat.
"No surprise, really, that he's not up till now. He was running around the hotel at six in the morning, and apparently Orton woke him up at two." Cena muttered.
"Yeah…" Jeff replied. "So what're you guys doing?"
"Waiting for you, actually." Jericho told him. "I said we shouldn't tell you, but these guys think we have to."
"Tell me what?"
Dave glared at Jericho. "Well, Chris here thinks we shouldn't tell you where we're all meeting up with girls tonight."
"We're all meeting up with them?"
"Yeah." John said. "You, Me, Dave, Randy assuming we can find him, and Y2Jackass over here are meeting up with Candice, Torrie, Victoria, Melina, and Maria at that fancy restaurant just down the street at eight o'clock tonight. I don't know what it's called, but you know the one I mean, right?"
"Yeah I think so…" Jeff replied. "And I know where Randy is. He caught an early flight to St. Louis to pick up the puppy for Melina. He said he'll be back today, but he didn't give me a time."
"Well that explains his disappearance…" Batista said thoughtfully.
"Duh…" Jericho muttered, rolling his eyes.
"So… Uh… Did the girls say if they wanted to stay at the restaurant or anything?" Jeff asked.
"Nah, I think it's just like a place to meet. I'm pretty damn sure me and Vicki wouldn't be able to have a nice romantic evening with this guy around." Dave said, pointing at Jericho.
"Good. Well, I gotta go take care of some stuff. See you guys later." Jeff told his friends, getting up and walking out of the hotel.
He got in his rental car and drove down the street, passing the restaurant John said they were meeting at. He drove just a little bit further, until he came to another hotel, much fancier and better looking than the one they were all staying at.
He parked the car and headed into the building, where he planned to reserve the best room they had open for him and Candice later on. Maybe he wasn't buying her a present, but hopefully time with him in a room like this would make her happy.
Later that night…
"Well, here we go…" Jeff whispered to himself as he got out of his car. He had just parked the vehicle in parking lot of the restaurant that was serving as their meeting place.
He looked around and saw all of the girls, John, and Dave standing by the entrance. Good. He wasn't the last one to arrive. Although, he wondered why they hadn't gone inside… Dave was probably right. The restaurant was just being used for a meeting place. At least, he hoped.
He glanced at his watch, wondering if he was early, late, or right on time. 8:02. Close enough.
Putting on a smile, he jogged over to little group. "Hey guys!" He greeted, trying to sound as cheerful as possible.
"Jeff my man, ya made it! We were beginning to think you wouldn't come!" John exclaimed.
"But… I'm only two minutes late…"
John laughed. "I know man! I was just messin' with ya!!"
"Hey Jeff…" Candice said, smiling.
"Hi Candy." Jeff replied.
It was only when he looked right at her that he noticed how well they were all dressed. The girls wore different styles of fancy dresses, John and Dave wore suits. But Jeff, well Jeff was just wearing his street clothes.
Each of the girls, John, and Dave, were all holding presents. Plus, both guys were carrying flowers. Jeff had free hands. He was suddenly feeling incredibly scared.
"So… Um… Are we actually going to go in?" He asked no one unparticular.
"John and I are, but you guys don't have to." Torrie told him. "In fact, I don't think you can. You don't have reservations. We just thought we'd meet up here so everyone can exchange presents, see what we got each other, and talk for a little while before we all go off with our special people." She finished, giving John a wink.
"Good, 'cause I didn't bring any money." Jeff replied, instantly screaming 'DAMNIT JEFF!! WHY THE HELL DID YOU SAY THAT!!!?' in his head.
He should have just kept quiet, or said something about the reason he wasn't carrying a present. But no. He had to go and say that.
Now Candice probably thought he forgot it was Valentine's Day and didn't plan anything.
Jeff almost groaned out loud when he built the big picture in his head. Everyone else was dressed fancy, carrying gifts, and the guys were probably loaded down with money. Jeff had come in street clothes with no present and no more money than whatever was left over in his wallet, which probably wasn't more than five dollars. Shit. He was really screwed this time. He should've just listened to the other guys and loaded Candice down with chocolate and flowers.
It was really awkward, just standing there in silence, and knowingly being the one who had caused the silence.
No one spoke a word for damn near ten minutes, before Victoria finally said something. "Where the hell are they?"
Jeff assumed she was talking about Jericho and Randy. Well at least he hadn't been more than two minutes late…
"They'll be here." Melina reassured them.
Five minutes later, Jeff spoke. "So, we just stand here and wait for them then?"
"Yep." John replied.
Talk about awkward.
"Nice weather, huh?" Candice asked after a few more silent minutes.
"Good enough." Torrie replied.
"Hope it doesn't rain…" Melina added.
Then there was more awkward silence.
"I wonder where they are…" Maria said, and Jeff realized that was the first time he had heard her speak since he arrived.
No one said anything. Another ten minutes passed.
"We've been waiting here for like an hour! Where the hell are they!?" Victoria demanded, once again being the one to break the silence.
Jeff checked his watch. "You were here at 7:30?"
"Yeah." She replied. "All of us Divas got here at about 7:30. Dave got here about 7:50, John five minutes later, you at about 8:00, and now it's 8:30!!"
"Hey… Wait a minute…" Dave muttered. "John, did you call Randy and tell him we were all gonna meet here?"
"No… I thought you did that!!"
Dave groaned. "Jeff?"
Jeff shook his head. "Nope."
"And I think it's safe to say that Jericho didn't do it…" Dave said, looking like he was trying not to laugh.
"You mean, you guys didn't even tell him!?" Melina burst out. "For God's sake!! And I thought he was just late because he's a guy and guys are usually late!"
"We weren't late." John told her.
"That's 'cause you're not guys!" Melina yelled, obviously a little ticked off that no one told Randy.
"Hey! Watch it girl!! Dave's a guy!! I don't know about those two, but Dave's a guy!!" Victoria exclaimed.
"John's a guy!!" John and Torrie shouted at the same time, causing everyone to laugh.
"Well, I can't vouch for Jeff…" Candice muttered with a smile, causing a roar of laughter from everyone but Jeff, who was to busy turning bright red.
"Don't worry, sweetie. We know you're a guy." Torrie told him after the laughter died down a moment later.
"Well, technically, we don't know…" Victoria added, initiating yet another burst of laughter from everyone but Jeff and John, who was glaring at Torrie for calling Jeff 'sweetie.'
"You know, someone should probably call Randy…" Maria told them all after she had stopped laughing.
"Yeah alright." Dave replied, pulling out his cell phone and dialing.
"Hello? Dave?" The voice on the other end asked right away.
"What the hell dude!? Where is everybody!? I get back from St. Louis, none of you are at the hotel, and your phones are all turned off!!"
"Uh… Yeah…. Sorry about that. See, we all decided we'd meet up at the restaurant down the street from the hotel. We meant to tell you, but we couldn't find you, and then Jeff told us you were in St. Louis, and I guess we forgot to call."
As Dave talked to Randy, Melina frowned. "St. Louis? What the hell was he doing there?"
She was looking right at Jeff when she asked the question, probably because Dave had said, 'Jeff told us you were in St. Louis'.
"Uh… I dunno. He just said he had to go today, but he'd be back to celebrate Valentine's Day with you." Jeff lied.
Melina narrowed her eyes, but to Jeff's relief, questioned him no further.
Dave hung up his phone. "Alright, he's on his way."
"Good." Victoria muttered. "Then we won't have to stand around much longer."
"Not so fast… We're still missing Jericho…" Torrie whispered, glancing sadly at Maria.
Candice walked over next to Jeff. "Sorry about the, 'Jeff's not a guy' thing." She whispered.
Jeff shrugged. "Ah, don't worry about it. I can take a joke."
She smiled. "I'm glad."
As the restaurant really was just down the street from the hotel, Randy arrived about two minutes later, dressed in a suit and carrying flowers in his mouth, two boxes in one hand, and a small, adorable puppy in the other.
As Melina's eyes lit up and the girls gushed, Jeff hung his head. Candice was going to be so disappointed…
Although, maybe not as disappointed as Maria...
Where the hell was Jericho, anyway? He had originally said he was going to pretend to forget, but 'remember' at the last minute, not actually forget!! But actually, Jeff remembered that Chris had later promised him he wouldn't even pretend to forget!
"What a jackass…" Jeff whispered to himself, watching as the girls were all freaking out over the puppy and Melina was hugging Randy.
However, the 'jackass' Jeff had been thinking about arrived right about then.
"Hey!! What's everybody crowding around!?" A voice asked, and everyone turned to see Jericho walking up to them.
Now, Jeff smiled. Now, now there was actually someone worse than him. Jeff had arrived just about on time wearing street clothes, but still nice street clothes, and with no money or presents. Chris had arrived forty minutes late without a present and wearing what looked like his old wrestling gear, complete with the unbuttoned 'Y2J' over shirt.
Actually, Jeff didn't even think that shirt had buttons.
Victoria answered Chris's question. "We're playing with the puppy Randy got Melina. Why the hell are you in your wrestling gear? We didn't even have a show today!"
"I lost all my luggage except one bag, and this was all that was in there."
"You lost your luggage? How the hell did you do that!?" Melina asked him.
Jericho shrugged. "I dunno. I gave some hobo the cardkey to my hotel room. He probably used the key to get in and stole it."
"Why would you give a homeless guy your cardkey!?" Dave exclaimed.
"Well, see, he asked for some money, and I meant to give him your credit card-"
Dave cut him off. "MY CREDIT CARD!!?
"Yeah." Jericho continued. "Anyway, I thought I gave him your credit card, but then when I went to get something out of my room, the cardkey was missing. I realized I still had the credit card though, so then I figured out that I must have accidently given the hobo the key."
Dave Batista's face was redder then a tomato, and he looked ready to explode. "YOU STOLE MY CREDIT CARD, AND THEN TRIED TO GIVE IT TO A HOBO!?"
"No, not tried to, did. See, once I realized I had given him the key instead of the credit card, I found him again and gave him the credit card."
Dave lunged at Jericho, but Cena held him back.
"Wait a minute… If you found the guy again, why didn't you get your key back?" Jeff asked.
"You know, that's a damn good question." Chris told him. "The only answer I have for it is that I was drunk."
"Then, you're still drunk now?" Victoria asked.
"No, that was a couple years ago."
"I WONDERED WHY THERE WAS A CHARGE ON MY CREDIT CARD BILL FOR 150 CASES OF BEER!!" Dave screamed.
"Wait, but if you had your luggage stolen a couple years ago, then how does that affect what you're wearing now?" Jeff asked, confused.
"No, no, no. You're not understanding me. See, I gave the guy the cards a couple of years ago when WWE came here, but someone just broke into the room today."
"So you have the exact same hotel room you had a couple years ago?" Victoria asked. "Because otherwise, the key wouldn't have worked."
"No, the keycard I gave him was the master keycard."
"How'd you get the master keycard, and why wouldn't they change the locks when they found it missing!?" John demanded.
"How the hell should I know!? I was drunk!!"
"Then you don't even know it was the same guy who stole your stuff…" Candice muttered.
"No, I don't know. I told you it was probably the same guy."
"How did we get into all this anyway?" Torrie asked.
Jericho pointed at Victoria. "She asked why I was wearing wrestling gear."
"Why didn't you just cancel your credit card when you realized it was missing, Dave?" Jeff asked him.
"I never realized it was missing…" Dave replied.
"Not even when you saw a charge on there for 150 cases of beer, and nothing of your own?" Melina asked.
"Nope. That's my backup card. I don't usually use it if I don't have to, so I didn't expect there to be anything on the bill. I figured the 150 cases of beer charge was just a screw up on the company's part, but I guess it wasn't." The Animal muttered, glaring at Chris.
"Jericho, you are officially the biggest idiot I've ever met." Victoria told him.
He shrugged. "I guess we're even now."
She frowned. "Even?"
"Yeah, even. You called me the biggest idiot you've ever met; I took a hundred dollars out of your wallet."
"You WHAT!?" Victoria shrieked.
Randy looked at the rest of the group. "I think we should make sure we never leave our wallets anywhere he can get to."
"Yeah…" Melina muttered as Victoria screamed at Jericho some more.
"Vicki! Vicki!! VICKI!!!" Torrie shouted. "STOP!!!"
Everyone looked at the blonde woman.
"Guys, common, it's Valentine's Day, and we're wasting time! We can deal with all this crap some other time! Let's do what we planned to do!!"
Victoria sighed. "Yeah… Alright. I'll kill him later…"
"Ok guys, let's exchange gifts!" Torrie exclaimed, looking happy and excited.
Jeff gulped as the others began passing gifts. Well, most of them anyway.
He turned to Candice and took a deep a breath. "Well Candy, I decided not to get you anything that could be put in a box this year, but I did rent a nice hotel room, because I thought… Well actually, I hoped you'd just like to spend a nice, romantic, night in with me. I'll understand if you're mad, but I just didn't want to be like everybody else."
She just stared at him for a second, and Jeff began to get scared again.
Then she smiled. "Oh Jeff, your so sweet. I'd love to spend a special night in with you. We hardly ever get to do anything like that because of our schedules, and I'm glad you thought about it when we actually can."
Jeff couldn't believe his ears. She didn't care that he didn't get her anything, she just cared about him!!
He smiled, taking her hand. "Well, do you want go and start our special night now?"
"Sure! But first let me give you your present." She said with a mischievous grin as she handed him the box.
Jeff took it and opened it, finding a small note inside. He took it out and smiled as he read it. "This tickey is good for one free kiss from Candice Michelle…"
"Mind if I use it now?" He asked, smirking.
"Not at all…" She replied, leaning in and giving him his kiss.
Happy as ever, Jeff scooped her up and made a beeline for his rental car, eager to start their special night together, obviously without the others around.
As Jeff Hardy carried Candice Michelle to the car, he knew he was lucky, but just thought it was because he had Candice. Really, he was lucky for two reasons. One; he had Candice, and two; he got out of there when he did.
All hell was about to break lose.
Just outside the restaurant –
"Well… Um… You see Maria, I, uh, kinda forgot it was Valentine's Day, so I didn't have time to get you anything or make any plans." Chris Jericho told his girlfriend.
"You… Forgot?" She asked slowly, looking teary eyed.
"Yeah I…" He was actually starting to feel guilty as he looked at the girl before him. "No… I didn't forget… I just thought I could get out of the whole Valentine's Day thing…"
Sure enough, she started crying. "Is it because you don't like me? I'm not good enough for you… am I?"
Wait… Her? Good enough… For him? She actually thought she wasn't good enough for him? This girl was freakin' perfect!!
"No!" He shouted, and then realized he'd just confirmed that she wasn't good enough for him when she started sobbing even harder.
"Oh shit! Maria, that's not what I meant!! Of course you're good enough for me!! When I said 'no,' I meant 'no, you're wrong,' not, 'no, I don't like you!! Of course I like you!! Hell, I might even love you!"
Maria smiled a little bit, but then Randy cut in.
"Bullshit dude! If you love her, then why did you ask me if you could trade her for Melina!?"
Maria and Melina's eyes widened, and so did Jericho's. "Maria, that was just a joke! I swear!!"
Maria then did something no one ever thought they'd see her do. She slapped him.
Jericho's hand went to his cheek, then he turned to glare at Randy. "You seem to have forgotten out deal, Orton!!"
"What deal? Oh shit!! That deal!! I forgot!! No!! Chris, don't-"
Jericho cut him off, looking at Melina and saying, "Randy here said that Maria might be better than you sometimes because you're a bitch."
Melina, still holding the puppy, turned to look at Randy. "If I'm a bitch and you like her so much, then why didn't you agree to the stupid trade?" She sounded pissed. Really pissed.
"What he said isn't true!!" He told her. "I said sometimes you can be a bitch!! And I'd never trade you for Maria!!" Only after the words came out of Randy's mouth did he realize they certainly weren't helping him. He had just confirmed that he had called her a bitch, and probably hurt Maria's feelings, too.
Dave and John chuckled as they watched the scene before them unfolding, but they wouldn't be laughing for long.
When Randy heard Dave laughing, he changed the subject and turned on him. Looking at Victoria and pointing at Batista, Randy yelled, "He called you a whore with a huge ass!"
"WHAT!?" Batista and Victoria screamed at the same time, and she smacked him.
"But Vicki I didn't-"
"Damn you Orton!!" Dave shouted.
By now, John had almost doubled over laughing, but was making sure to do it quietly so he wouldn't get dragged into this somehow. However, when Torrie spoke up, he knew just by the tone in her voice that he was screwed.
"Lingerie and handcuffs?" Lingerie and handcuffs!?"
She turned to look at John, who was no longer laughing. "Well baby I… uh… thought we could-"
"We could what, John? You thought we could do what?"
He began slowly backing away. "Torrie I just thought you-"
"Would like to get this stuff in front of my friends? Is that what you thought!? That I would really get a kick out of getting skimpy, see-through clothing, and… and… freakin' handcuffs!?"
"I told you not to get her that stuff!" Orton shouted, laughing a little bit.
Torrie walked up and smacked the Legend Killer right across the face.
"OW!! BITCH!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!" He yelled as his hand went to his cheek.
Melina smacked the other cheek. "OW!!!"
"You know what John? I'm leaving." Torrie told him, beginning to walk away.
"But baby! Our reservations!!"
She ignored him completely, and just kept going.
"Screw you Dave." Victoria told him, following Torrie.
"Vicki, I'm telling you, I did not call you a whore with a huge ass!"
"Go to hell, Randy." Melina said, walking after the other two.
"But I got you a puppy!! And an I-Pod!!" Randy yelled after her.
Maria just looked at Chris for a second, then flipped him off and followed her friends.
Jericho crossed his arms. "So much for her being the sweet one…"
Cena walked up next to Jericho and watched the girls go. "You know, I don't know what I was thinking getting her that stuff. I guess we all deserved that…"
"I didn't deserve it!!" Dave exclaimed. "I didn't even do anything!! Randy just said I did!"
Randy chuckled. "You got that right, big man. If we're goin' down, you're goin' down with us!"
Dave glared at him. "Some friends you are…"
"Wait a minute… What happened to Jeff and Candice?" Randy asked.
"They must've left when we weren't paying attention…" Dave replied.
"Son of a bitch!!" Cena suddenly yelled.
"What?" Randy asked.
John rolled his eyes. "I hope you realize you just called your mom a bitch…"
"Yeah, I realized."
Again, John rolled his eyes. "Anyway… We spent all that time telling him that he was gonna crash and burn, and now look what actually happened!!"
"We were the ones who went down…" Dave muttered thoughtfully.
"You know what?" Jericho finally spoke up. "Screw Jeff, screw Candice, and screw all the rest of the girls!! Not like that…" He added when he saw the look on Randy's face. "What do ya guys say we go get wasted and raise some hell!?" Chris finished.
"Or we could just go get burgers…" Dave suggested.
"Eh, let's do both!" Cena exclaimed, and the guys headed off.
Later on that night…
"So, what do you think the others ended up doing?" Candice asked Jeff as they lay in the fancy hotel bed.
"I dunno…" Jeff murmured. "They probably all just had dinner and-"
A knock at the door cut him off.
Sighing, Jeff told Candice he'd be right back, and then put on one of the robes that had come with the room. The younger Hardy then walked into the other room of their two-room suite (Damn this place was fancy!) and opened the door.
Standing there were four very drunk and messy looking men. "Hey! We finally got the right room!!" Chris Jericho slurred.
Jeff smirked. "What the hell are you guys doing here? What happened?"
"Well see, the ladies ditched us 'cause… Well I don't really remember why anymore but they ditched us and then we decided to go back in time, so we-"
"No! We didn't go back in time!!" John Cena said to Jericho in a very odd sounding voice.
"Yes we did!! Remember that giant dinosaur thingy ate Dave?" Orton said, wobbling slightly.
"I'm right here!! I think…" Dave slurred.
"Then… Who the hell got eaten?" Jericho asked slowly. The words were so slurred, Jeff could barely understand him.
"It must have been Bob…" Randy muttered matter-of-factly.
"Yeah that's it!! It was Bob!!" John exclaimed, before falling over.
Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Just what the hell did you guys drink!?"
"Well," Jericho began, "We each had a lot of that stuff that gets you drunk and then we swallowed some strange looking pills and then we went back in time and Bob got eaten by a dinosaur and then we came back here but the dinosaur came with us so we called those police people and they arrested it and now it's in jail and then we wandered around and went a bunch of places and then we needed a place to sleep so we started asking about Meff Jardy but no one knew Meff Jardy so we switched two letters and asked about Jeff Hardy and someone said he was here and then we remembered that Jeff Hardy was you so we came here." Jericho wobbled and nearly fell over as he finished.
By now, Jeff's eyebrow couldn't get any higher. He wondered how much alcohol they had had, but he really wondered what kind of pills they had taken. "Ok then..." He said, smirking. "And can you tell me your names?"
Jericho nodded shakily. "My name is Paris Hilton, and these are guys are Dave and John and Sandy."
"Dandy!!" Randy exclaimed. "No… Wait, Randy!! No… Mandy!! That's it!! Mandy!! That's my name!!"
Jeff laughed out loud at Jericho's name, but wondered why the others hadn't been changed so much. "So then, Paris, how did you find out what your name was?"
"I didn't really find out." Jericho told him. "It used to be Piss, or Miss, or Diss, or Chris, or something, but then I had it changed." He reached in his pants, (No, not his pocket, he was wearing wrestling gear) pulled out a scrunched up piece of paper, and held it out for Jeff.
Jeff reluctantly took it, not really wanting to touch something that had been where it had. After un-scrunching the paper, Jeff began to read, and his jaw dropped.
It was a legal document stating that Christopher Keith Irvine "Jericho" had had his name legally changed to Paris Bob Hilton.
"So that's where the Bob thing came from…" He muttered, looking up and trying hard not to laugh. "Chri- Uh, I mean Paris, Bob didn't get eaten by a dinosaur, Bob is your middle name."
Jeff couldn't resist playing along for just a second.
"It is? Oh yeah!! So then who got eaten? It must have been Petunia…"
Jeff decided not to question him any further on that matter. "Look, I don't know what you guys drank, and I don't know what pills you took, but I'm thinking you're going to regret it later." He told them.
"Nah… We won't regret nothin'!" Jericho/Hilton drunkenly replied, following up with a burp.
Jeff rolled his eyes. "So, what did you want again?"
"Well… I don't quite remember…" Chris/Paris told him.
Dave elbowed the blonde man. "We need a place to stay!"
"Oh yeah!! We need a place to stay." Jericho/Hilton repeated.
"And?" Jeff asked.
"Can we stay here with you? It looks like it's a big hotel room. I promise I won't throw up on you." Randy said.
Once again, Jeff raised an eyebrow, looking over the drunken group and considering his decision. They were his best friends… But it was his special night with Candice. Plus, they had made fun of him!!
"You know what? No, you can't stay here! Screw you guys!" Jeff exclaimed for the second time in two days, slamming the door in their faces and quickly locking it.
He then headed back into the other room and got back into the bed with Candice.
"Who was that?" She asked.
Jeff was surprised she hadn't heard them. Again, he thought over his answer. "No one who matters." He finally answered, deciding it was at least honest in his opinion, and it couldn't potentially ruin the night.
Candice raised an eyebrow at him for a second, but then appeared to shrug it off. Jeff smiled and the two just cuddled for a few minutes before Candice spoke again.
"It was Chris, Randy, John, and Dave who knocked on the door, wasn't it?"
Jeff's eyes widened. He really hoped she wouldn't insist on letting the idiots in, assuming they were still out there. "Yeah… How'd you know?"
"I heard them." She replied.
"Oh. Then why'd you ask who it was?"
"I just wanted to hear what you'd tell me. I wondered if you'd tell the truth, or lie to make sure it didn't mess up our night."
Jeff swallowed. "Well, I-"
She smiled. "Don't worry Jeff, you told the truth. No one who matters knocked on the door. I'm not going to let anything ruin this night."
Jeff smiled contently. They had made fun of him for his Valentine's Day ideas, and look where it got them. They were wandering around drunk and dateless, and he was spending the perfect evening with his girlfriend.
As far as Jeff was concerned, Chris Jericho, John Cena, Randy Orton, and Dave Batista could all go to hell.
Candice was right; nothing was going to mess up this evening.
And Jeff Hardy wouldn't trade it for the world.
A/N – Well, hope you liked it! It was fun to write :) Let me know what you think, if you don't mind ;)