Summary: "Oh, it is," said Hermione. "You see, Salazar was actually a homosexual…" Harry discovers that life hates him even more than he'd ever imagined.
Obligatory disclaimer: I own nothing except my own weird sense of humor. ;)
"Oh, Harry," said Hermione, patting his hand in sympathy. "You mean — you truly didn't know?"
"Er," said Harry, and then, after a long pause: "I really don't think that's possible. Actually."
"Oh, it is," she said. Her fingers had begun to stroke the corners of his palm. He jerked his hand away as quickly and politely as possible. "You see, Salazar was actually a homosexual, and he had relations with Godric, who was dating Rowena at the time, but Rowena really had a thing for Helga… The details are a bit foggy, but it's all in Hogwarts: A History."
"In what version?" asked Ron, appearing even more incredulous than Harry. "Is there some secret sexy copy only available in the Restricted Section?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Ronald," said Hermione primly. "It's all in the footnotes."
"Blimey," said Ron. "I might've actually read it if I'd known that."
"You know what?" said Harry. "I'm really not surprised."
Hermione blinked. "About Salazar, or Rowena?"
"About my life," said Harry. Then he thought of Malfoy. "Although Salazar too, yeah."
"Hmm," said Hermione, looking thoughtful when he said as much. "Malfoy does spend an awful lot of time talking about his hair, doesn't he?" She caught his hand again and resumed stroking it with more cheer as she went on. "On the bright side, not only are you a descendent of Salazar, Godric, Rowena, and Helga, you're also part vampire, half elf, a bit veela—"
"In what world," asked Harry, attempting to shake her off again, "Is any of that a good thing?"
"Well," said Hermione, pursing her lips. "It does explain the urges I've been having involving you and my, ah…"
"Your what?" asked Ron, his eyes narrowed.
"Oh, you know," said Hermione, looking shifty. "My, ah, my… whip. All the girls have one."
"…Oh," said Harry. He swallowed. "Excellent."
"You have a whip?" asked Ron enviously.
"It's really quite a relief, Harry," she said. "You have no idea the thoughts I've been having about you…"
"I might have some idea," said Harry, as her fingers crawled over his torso.
"The learning about your heritage part is the relief," Hermione added hastily. "Not the whipping people part. Although honestly Harry, if you want to give it a try with me sometime, it's rather relaxing—"
Hermione looked put out. "Well, it's nice to know that it's just the veela in you. Um. Or maybe the banshee."
"Then there's the money," said Ron, nodding enthusiastically. "Hermione forgot to mention — you've inherited Voldemort's vaults, Harry. And Dumbledore's!"
"I haven't forgotten," said Hermione, with a gleam in her eye. "You're become a sex symbol, Harry — even more so now that your bank account is the size of Hogwarts. Seamus is running a bet on who you're shagging, did you know? Viktor told me the sum is outrageous…"
"Krum doesn't even live in England!" Harry shouted. "How does he know about it?!"
Hermione gave him another sympathetic look. "Well if you'd ever read the papers, Harry…"
"Ugh," said Harry.
Now Ron had a shifty look. "I've got dibs on Ginny," he confided to Harry, who had buried his face in his hands. "Don't let me down, mate!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Ronald," said Hermione. "It's not a girl. Obviously Harry's gay; you know what they say about male veelas…"
"Damn that bit of veela in him," Ron moaned. "There goes four galleons."
Harry thought perhaps they were getting off-topic.
"Having money makes you a sex symbol?"
"Of course," said Hermione. "No-one really thinks Malfoy is sex on legs, Harry. He's just rich, so we put up with him."
"Um," said Harry, thinking again of Malfoy's shiny hair, and the perhaps-slightly-attractive way he rode his broom, "Are you sure?"
"Bloody hell, Harry," murmured Ron, pulling Harry close to him. This was a relief, as it finally dislodged Hermione's hand.
On the other hand, it was terrifying, because Ron had begun to stroke his shoulder. Harry began to sweat as it moved down his chest. Then his stomach. Then —
"Oops," said Ron, looking flustered. "Really, mate, get ahold of those veela powers, yeah?"
Harry tried not to be scandalized.
"Malfoy is probably your mate, then," Hermione sighed. "Look at you, you're practically glowing. How disappointing. I had ten galleons in for Oliver Wood, myself."
Harry growled at her.
"Those teeth are rather sharp, aren't they?" said Ron, as Hermione backed away. "Must be the vampire. Or the elf. Do you have an urge to drink blood, Harry? If you're going to bite someone, could you make it Professor Snape?"
Harry wondered why everything in his life went wrong.
"Probably because you're coming into the magical inheritance Merlin left you," said Hermione, from a safe distance. "Woe to those given great power."
Harry glared sullenly at her, then blinked.
"Voldemort has a Gringott's account?"
"Yes," said Hermione. "Well, that part is rather mysterious. You really shouldn't've inherited Dumbledore's or Voldemort's vaults, as neither of them are dead yet, but they've clearly been signed over to you…"
"Bill says the goblins are in a right state over it," said Ron. He didn't seem capable of taking his eyes off Harry's trousers.
"I'm pretty sure that's not possible," said Harry, a bit more hopefully this time.
Ron shrugged. "We don't come up with this, mate," he said. "We just stick around to get a good laugh."
Don't get me wrong, I love veela/elf/vampire/Heir of Merlin!Harry.
Really. He's great at parties. :D