A/N: Yay. Read and be delighted... or horrified. Doesn't matter to me either way, as long as you review.
And to my dad, who keeps hacking into my stories and reading them disapprovingly, fuck you to hell. I like Nny and there's nothing you can do about it. YOU HAVE ZERO RIGHT TO BE A NOSY BASTARD.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
I just finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird for my summer assignment thing, and let me tell you, that book did nothing but piss me off. It was one of the most boring books I had ever read. The only reason I did not commit suicide was because I wanted to see Boo Radley come out. I mean, dude, this kid went psycho and stabbed his dad and stuff then went and hid in his house for years. I read that whole fucking book waiting for that stupid guy to just come out of his god damn house, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! He didn't come out until about 6 pages from the end! Then he just stood there for like two pages and then WENT BACK IN HIS FUCKIN HOUSE!! WHAT THE HELL?!?! That just pissed me off into infinity. The book would have been alot better if he had come out sooner. I mean, he was a cool character, kinda like the Edward Sissorhands who never came out of his house. BUT THERE'S THE PROBLEM-- he was in his fucking house the whole fucking time. So you know what? I'm doing something any respectable Nny fan would do-- change the book to have Nny in it. Voila!
Three stupid kids were standing outside a creepy looking house.
"I wish Boo Radly would come out," one of them said.
"Yup," another replied. Then they all stood there drooling for forever while nothing happened. Readers started to question the point of the book and why it wasn't banned from society for being so boring. Then Nny came out of nowhere and livened things up a little.
"WTF IS WITH THIS STUPID GUY NOT COMING OUT OF HIS HOUSE?!" he screamed. "I MEAN, GOD, THIS IS SO BORING!! IT ISN'T THAT HARD JUST TO GET OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN HOUSE!!" then he ran inside the house, dragged out Boo, beat the crap out of him, then set the whole stupid town on fire. The End.
And now for the ACTUAL story, which you all want to read. Yeeeeeeees. Rise, my hypnotic slave monkey minions, and suck all the happiness out of... um... plantfood. Oooooh, I'm scary.
Johnny… come to the light…
Come on, Johnny…
I don't wanna.
Come to the light…
The light sucks. I'm not going to the light.
The light is filled with happiness and joy and-
Okay, now you've OFFICIALLY pissed me off. I'm not going to the light. I think I made that pretty clear, thank you. In fact, now I'm going AWAY from the light! HA!
No! Johnny! Come back!
Go fuck yourself, why don't you?!
Bob really hated his job. All he ever got to talk to were complete psychos, murdered people, people who did nothing but argue about whether they were dead or not, and losers who thought they could actually do magic. He was thinking about this when someone walked in. Bob gave him a quick survey. He was tall and thin, a bloody hole perpetrating out of the side of his head and chest.
"Hello and welcome to Purgatory, your alternative after life specialist. Please fill out the sheet on the desk before we consult your situation," he said dully.
"Um… okay," the man said, and picked up a sheet uncertainly.
The sheet had a section for your name, cause of death, and four boxes that said Check those that apply above them. The man checked the Complete Psycho and Murdered boxes. Thought so… Bob thought.
"Here," the man said, handing the sheet of paper to Bob. Bob took it unenthusiastically. "So…" he checked the sheet. "Nny. Let's discuss your situation. Since you obviously don't want eternal happiness," Nny mumbled something bitterly. "you would mostly be most suited to ghost-hood. Let's check out the local listings."
"What listings?" Nny asked, curious.
"Houses that are up for haunting. Here's a chart." Bob handed Nny a sheet of paper. It was a map of the world, only with glowing dots here and there. Nny snatched it, grinning wickedly. Apparently, the idea of being a ghost seemed really appealing to him.
(A/N: QUIT READING MY STUFF DAD.)
"Ooooh, England," Nny chirped, pointing to a spot in England. "I've always wanted to go to England."
"Yes, Hogwarts," Bob said dully. "kind of like a refuge for ghosts, actually. The place's packed."
Nny grimaced. "Hogwarts? What kind of a lunatic would name their house Hogwarts? It completely destroys any hope of resale value."
"Not for ghosts. I'll inform the headmaster you're coming--" Bob picked up a phone that had popped up out of nowhere and started dialing a number, "-- while you go through that door over there."
Nny gazed to his left to find a door that had not been there previously. He shrugged it off- weirder things have happened. Then he left.
Dumbledore was sleeping peacefully in his big chair thing. Then the phone rang.
"Mmmf..." he said. He managed to pick up the phone sleepily and raise it to his ear. "...hello?"
"Albus Dumbledore?" the vioce asked.
"It's Bob. You've got another one... Johnny C, I think. American. 'Muggle', as you would call them."
Dumbledore frowned. "Why did he come here?"
"Apparently, he always wanted to go to England."
Dumbledore paused, then sighed. "Perhaps it will teach the students diligence for the muggle kind. He can stay."
"Kay. Bye." the man hung up. Dumbledore sighed once again. It was very late.
"Uhhhh... is this Hogwarts?" someone asked, looking around.
Dumbledore looked up to find a tall thin man staring at him. His head and shirt were soaked with blood. Dumbledore smiled. "Are you Johnny?"
"That depends on whether this is Hogwarts or not."
"Then yes, this is Hogwarts. Hello, my name is Professor Dumbledore," Dumbledore said, extending a hand. Johnny didn't take it.
"...Professor? I'm haunting a school?" he grimaced.
Dumbledore smiled. "I'm afraid so. Before I allow you to scare my students, I have a favor to ask of you..."
"...do you know anything about defense?"
The man looked at him for a minute before narrowing his eyes. "Depends. What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm afraid the school's Defense against the Dark Arts teacher has fallen ill from dragon pox, and we need a temporary subsitute."
"For how long?"
"Only a couple of days."
Johnny scratched his chin. "Hmmm... after that, can I go back to haunting?"
Johnny smiled. "Then yes, I know defense. And call me Knee."
Dumbledore grinned. "There is one catch, though... this school teaches a certain... type of schooling. The students here can do magic. Since you're a muggle (non magical person) this might be difficult, but since it is only going to be for a few days, you are allowed to teach them combat defense. It might come in handy."
But Knee had already stood up to leave. "No problem. I've had to deal with stranger things in life, strange enough that you might say I can magic myself. You might also say I'm insane. I'm not sure. Wait, yes, I'm insane. What was I talking about?" he scratched his head.
"It doesn't matter. Report to the Great Hall at seven tomorrow to address the students."
Knee nodded and left.
Harry, Ron and Hermione woke up and went into the Great Hall, talking about Professor Whatshisface.
"Ooooh, I'm so worried about Professor Whatshisface, I hope he's alright," Hermione said, picking at her food.
"I wonder who's gunna replace him on such short notice," Ron said.
"I don't care, as long as Snape doesn't teach," Harry muttered.
Ron glanced at the teachers and his eyes widened." Who's that? He's sitting in the DADA spot."
"I think that's the substitute."
The man was tall and thin, and only seemed to be in his early twenties. He seemed to be having some trouble with his fork. He couldn't seem to pick up his fork. Then he stopped and closed his eyes in concentration, and tried again. To his relief, he found the fork sitting innocently in his palm as if it had been there the whole time. He smiled and picked a fork-full of food and placed it in his mouth. Just as he did that, a look of pure horror froze on his face. He slowly looked down at his chair, and in his embarrassment, he cleaned the food off the chair. Then he decided just to look at all the students instead.
"Huh," Ron said, looking at him in confusion.
"He looks kind of creepy," Harry said.
"And he isn't wearing a wizard's cloak, either," Hermione commented uneasily.
The man noticed they were watching him and waved.
"He seems okay," Ron said.
The Dumbledore stood up, and the Great Hall became silent.
"Welcome new and old stuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...I am sorry to say that our beloved DADA teacher, Professor Whatshisface, has fallen ill from dragon pox and will be absent for a few days. Fortunately, I have found a substitute in time... I present to you, Professor See!" There was applause, and See looked uncomfortable, like he wasn't used to people applauding for him. "Would you mind saying a few words?" See looked even more uncomfortable, like he wasn't used to public speaking, either. But he got up anyway.
Stepping up to the podium, See cleared his throat. "Um..." he said, tapping his fingers uncertainly. "Don't call me Professor. I didn't come here to teach, I came to scare the living shit out of all of you. So don't call me Professor. Call me Knee." Thre was a lot of confused mutterings at this. Knee paused. "I'm dead, too," he added after an afterthought. "You probably can't tell because I've been looking around here, and all the other ghosts are transparent and all silvery-like, and I look like I'm solid. I also can do lots of cool things to stuff to stuff if I concentrate hard enough like in all the horror movies I've seen, and they can't. I'm not exactly sure why that is. So don't ask me. Maybe its because I came here to haunt you, and not just represent stuff like everyone else. ...yah." Knee scratched his head. "Anyway, I'm gunna teach you for about two days, then I'm gong to go around making walls bleed and stuff. Oh yah, and I'm teaching defense or something, right? Well, the Dumbly guy said I'm gunna teach you combat, so don't bring any magic hats or wands while I teach, unless you have some kind of physical attachment to them and you'll explode if you leave them somewhere. ...explode... hehehe..." For the rest of the speach, Knee just stood there at the podium and giggled. Then he left.
Ron frowned. "This should be interesting."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into the DADA classroom and sat down. They were having class with the Slytherins.
Knee was doing a handstand.
They sat in their seats for about three minutes as Knee did his handstand. Then Malfoy coughed. "Isn't there supposed to be teaching going on here?"
Knee got of his hands in a second and pointed threatening at the class of students. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!"
"Eep!" Neville squeaked.
"Hm." Knee scratched his head. "Oh yyyyyeah now I remember. I'm a teacher or something now? Heh. This is funny. I am laughing. Everyone, take out your knives."
Malfoy looked horrified. "We didn't bring knives!"
Knee looked furious. "Why not?!"
Hermione raised her hand.
"You, nerdy one."
Malfoy snorted. Knee shot a glance of death at him. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!"
Malfoy's smirk slid off his face like water. Knee screwed up his face in concentration and flipped Malfoy's desk over, crushing him. People gasped and screamed. Knee laughed and then got out a knife. People screamed louder.
"SHUT UP!" Everyone shut up, terrified. Knee then motioned to the knife. "This is a knife. You cut people with it. Knives are useful."
Malfoy raised his hand from under his desk. Knee rolled his eyes and turned the desk over with his mad ghost skillz. "Um... why would use knives when we have wands?"
Knee looked around the class. "Raise your hand if you brought your magical wand."
Hermione raised her hand.
"You," Knee said. "leave this classroom."
Hermione looked distressed. "Bu--but, you said you could bring your wand if--"
"Whatever, I forgot why I asked you to leave anyway. Hm. I need some kind of model."
Hermione helpfully waved her wand, and made a large stone statue of a human appear.
"Oh, good. One randomly appeared for no reason. Okay, I want you all to watch carefully to what I'm about to do." Knee took out a large, rusty knife. Then he concentrated, and it became solid. "Nerdy girl. Is this magical in anyway?" Hermione waved her wand.
"No," she said.
"Good." Knee then started waving his sword and hacking at the statue so violently and quickly that they couldn't even see his arm, or the sword. Then he stopped. The statue fell into a fine dust. Then it caught fire.
"It's not as hard as it looks," Knee said to the class of shocked and amazed students. "After a while of choppin' stuff, you get really good at it. You can even make unique patterns in people." Then he waved his hand and his magical ghost powers made a knife appear on every student's desk. "Three were there beforehand, just invisible," Knee smiled, admiring his newfound talent. "Now pick one up and start stabbing everyone around you. The survivor gets a candybar."
Just then Professor Whatsihsface walked in.
"WHAT the BLOODY' HELL?!
"Oh, you silly English with your silly cusswords."
I know I'm cliché', I don't care. The reason people do this is because it's a good idea. The next chapter is just Nny haunting everyone and kicking ass anyway, so I can have my random cliche' fun in this chapter all I want. (sticks out tongue) You know you wanna see Nny scare the crap outta people anyway. So don't complain. Anyone complaining about how cliché' that was gets sat on.