"My god!"

It was the best phrase the Emergency Medical Hologram could come up with to describe his shock. His fingers tightened around the small penlight clutched in his grasp, and he squinted purely for effect as he peered into a certain Ocampan's wide eyes.

"What is it?" Janeway barked, folding her arms tightly around her midsection and giving the doctor a mild death glare. She had been on the receiving end of a rather large stick from a confounded Kes upon entering the hydroponics bay, and the duo had ended up in Sickbay with comparable cuts and bruises from the ensuing conflict.

"Lieutenant Paris, come look at this."

Tom stepped up, blinked, and pressed his face with in centimeters of the other woman's.

"Holy…" he muttered as he stepped back, turning his head to face the EMH.

"What?!" Janeway growled, pushing past the helmsman and staring into the counselor's eyes. "I don't see anything."

"Exactly. Look closer."

He glinted the light in her eyes again.

"Oh. Eeeewwww."

"What?" Kes squeaked, pulling her head back and rubbing her eyes furiously.

"How can you even see with those cataracts?" inquired the EMH.

"Cataracts? I don't have cataracts."

"Yes, you do."

The EMH held up a mirror to the Ocampan's face and she stared at her reflection for a moment.

"They look normal to me."

"Yes, well I suppose those are just very large dust particles, then," he quipped, "Lie back."

She did so, and he held the penlight over her eye again, switching the setting from illuminate to obliterate.

"You'll feel a slight stinging sensation." he said, and immediately a thin orange beam erupted from the tip. Kes flinched, gasped, and squealed.

"Stinging sensation?! What-"

"Relax." He moved to the other eye, a smirk creeping over his face. "There. Done."

Kes sat up and blinked furiously as the room blurred in and out of focus. She gripped the edge of the bio bed in a desperate attempt to keep upright as the room spun dangerously around her, until, slowly, everything slowed down and for the first time she saw sick bay in total clarity.

"Oh my…" she gasped.

"Better?" asked the EMH.

"Captain! You look so…different."

Janeway grinned. "Well, I did use a new bio suprabond hairspray…"

"I mistook you for a giant sentient q-tip earlier…I-I'm sorry."



Further sparring was interrupted as the doors to sick bay swooshed open with a cheery beep, making way for a very flamboyant, very bright Neelix.

"Kes! Kes! What's wrong?"

He bounded towards the bio bed, a feat indeed for his hulking frame.


Kes squealed, kicking her feet and falling backwards off the bed.


She reached up and grabbed a large, sharp instrument from a tray and brandished it towards the befuddled Talaxian.

"Kes?" he asked. "It's me, Neelix."

"Neelix?" she gasped, lowering the blade, her newly clear eyes widening.

"That's what you look like? Oh…oh my god." she placed her hand over her mouth. "You looked so much more…less…Oh my." She was gulping air, attempting to steady herself when she leaned forward and barfed.

And barfed.

And barfed.

And barf-squealed, "I can't believe I almost made babies with you!"