Onyx: (glares at Celtos, who is one-quarter of the old Onyx and S writing team) I thought I told you to keep her out of the sugar.

Celtos: (bouncing on the balls of his feet, not looking remotely abashed) I did.

Onyx: (stares for a moment) You ate ALL of it, didn't you?

Celtos: (still bouncing) Yep. And she drank the Smirnoff.

Onyx: Anubis preserve us.

WARNINGS: Crack, minor angst, crack, minor OOC (no, I'm serious. It really is minor!), crack, awkward rhyme schemes, minor, good-natured Sasuke bashing, CRACK, perverted humor, language, and yes, crack. This is Dr. Seuss does Naruto, people. Oh, yeah, and SPOILERS for the Valley of the End.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. For which I imagine people are very, very glad right now.


As he faced down his friend, Naruto wanted to cry,

'Why desert us Sasuke? Why, tell me why?'

And so he did ask, because, well, you know,

There's no brain-to-mouth filter on dear Naruto.

"Why leave us Sasuke? And why with that bas –

- tard who only wants a piece of your ass?

Or for that matter your body, entire and whole,

You're just one step towards his immortality goal!"

"Because," Sasuke said, his voice bitter and sharp,

"I've already explained Itachi, don't harp

On the fact that I'm leaving, I need to get strong,

And I aim to do it, right way or wrong,

So get out of my way, you Dobe, you dolt,

Or Chidori will give you an unpleasant jolt!"

But Naruto just shook his blond head,

Glowered at Sasuke, then fox-grinned and said,

"I will bring you back, by fair means or foul,

I'll break all your bones and boy will you howl,

You'll beg and you'll plead to come back to Konoha,

I'll save you're life, 'cause we both know I owe ya."

Sasuke moaned, rolled his eyes, and then shook his head,

"That's a lame rhyme Naruto, and I'd rather be dead

Than owe you a favor, you know, when will you see,

That damn snake will teach me flexibility?"

"Flexibility, what, now that's a reason?

Jiraiya's more twisted than that snake in season - "

"Not an image I needed, thanks VERY much,

I meant bending the rules to come though in a clutch!

This damn city, it has too many rules,

With doctrine, instructors, code-conduct and schools!

The Village of Leaf is too stiff, heavy, rooted,

If you think I'm staying than you're more diluted - "

Iruka: (pops in) It's deluded, you fool,

Unless you where rhyming just to be cool?"

Sasuke: (blushes) Naruto: "I knew it!

You're not so cool, you just totally blew it!"

"Oh, shut up, Dobe, you're not one to talk,

So just turn around and why don't you walk

Back to Konoha and tell them I'm gone,

I must kill my brother before I can move on!"

Naruto: "Oh, Sasuke, come on, you're obsessed!

Everyone in Konoha knows you're the best,

(next to me, of course), but you're already better

Than what's-his-face, so just mail him a letter

Or something and tell him that your family feud

Is over and he needs to get a grip, dude."

"I can't believe you just said that, for more reasons than one,

Farewell for now, I'll come back when I'm done,

With two heads on a pike, or perhaps in a bag,

But for now you'd best get back and see the old hag."

Naruto: "But why, I feel fine – URK!"

"Because I just Chidori'd you… jerk."


S: Yes, this is the end. NO, I am not continuing this! At least I HOPE I'm not. This was the not-quite-parody that REALLY never should have been written. And if anyone has a better title for this, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me. The current one is terrible.