You know, it was odd, the way things worked sometimes. You know how you can be so proficient at something, something you do everyday, and than just at the moment you need to do it the most, you can't?
Such is what happened after Mira left the steamy cargo hold that we had been...occupying… for the last three hours.
"Thanks, big boy. I'll see ya tonight." She had said.
I took a moment to grin in pure, foolish male pride. I sure showed her…too old, am I? I didn't lose all my powers when I had been exiled…
But that was before, and this is now, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to fasten the belt of my trousers. I pulled and pulled, but my hands (and for that matter, every part of me) were too sweaty and hot to get a firm grasp upon the damned thing. I grunted with exertion. Surely the majority of sentient beings in the galaxy didn't have to put up with this after getting personal with a significant other?
It was clear that my trousers would have to stay off for the moment. I realized that it was quite cold on the cargo hold, and suddenly felt very exposed…I glanced about the room. My shirt was shoved in a corner, courtesy of Mira, along with about five other remnants of clothing that had been torn or otherwise rendered unusable during our encounter. You know, for all the worrying and whining they do over their clothes, women sure do forget all that in a moment of adrenaline-fueled passion. But anyway, I was distracting myself, and such trivialities were probably best off being analyzed by stuffy philosophers.
I went over to the pile of cloth and assorted material and rummaged through it, happening upon my lover's green shirt that provided some modesty in her otherwise risqué outfit. But what was it doing here?
I slapped a hand on my forehead. Of course! When she left, she was just wearing her jacket, zipped up…oh. Oh no. She had been wearing my shirt.
I quickly scanned the clothing at my feet. There were the tattered remains of her previously very well kept pants (don't judge me) and her small green shirt which had been the modest yin to the otherwise risqué yang that her appearances maintained. This was very unfortunate.
This left me with very few choices on how to get out of this mess. I took a deep breath and groaned.
Taking the small article of apparel that was her shirt, and wrapped it around my bare and increasingly chilly crotch, creating a makeshift loincloth that just barely covered my person. I approached the cargo hold door and took a deep breath. I figured I could make the run from here to the nearest crew quarters without being spotted. It was true that Kreia, Atton and the Handmaiden were out investigating Dantooine as I was "not feeling well", but nonetheless I still had to deal with the others. I prepped myself for the run and opened the door.
And, in a moment of painfully cliché embarrassment, Bao-Dur was standing right outside the hold.
I stared at him. He stared at me. I stared at him. He stared at the suddenly very small shirt around my crotch. I stared at the suddenly very small shirt around my crotch.
He broke the silence.
"You know, General, I may fancy myself some strange hobbies, but wrapping a woman's shirt around my groin is not one of them."
I glared at him, thinking quickly. I could not let him find out about Mira and me, because if he did…Kreia might find out. And if she found out…
In that moment, a lie was made.
"Well, uh, you know…there's a perfectly valid reason I look like this, Bao. It's…just…difficult to talk about."
The Irodonian leaned against the ship wall, a bemused smile on his features, and said, "Is there now?"
I cleared my throat and stood up tall, as if preparing to tell some grand adventure that I had gone on.
"Ahem. Well, you see, I was in here, practicing my…fighting moves. The Echani stuff that the Handmaiden showed me…right. Of course, I was doing this, ah, uh, in the nude, because I should not be held down by, uh, materials while I practice, right? Anyway, so I'm in here, naked, fighting, when all of a sudden, I hear this scratching at the door. I continue with my training, but this scratching, you know, just keeps coming and coming until I'm almost driven mad from the sound! So, I'm angry, right, so I go to the door and open it and the-"
"You opened the cargo door while still naked?" interrupted my companion.
"Uh…yeah. I figured they would understand I was training and…uh….did I mention I was practicing my fighting moves? That's why I was naked. Yeah. Anyway, I open this door, and out of nowhere comes this, this, this…this Gizka!"
Bao seemed shocked, saying, "A Gizka? On the ship?"
"Yeah!" I exclaimed. "Bloody thing must've sneaked on the ship when we were on Dxun. So yeah, this little animal comes, bam, out of nowhere! And leaps right onto my face, and bites down on my nose!"
"Yeah! So I'm in shock, from this thing, biting on my nose, and try frantically to tear this thing off without hurting my nose. And I'm screaming! But this thing is latched on, like it was locked in there!"
I couldn't believe how smoothly the words were flowing from me. I was on fire; there was no way Bao wouldn't believe it. I pressed on.
"So while I'm screaming, Mira comes into the room. And I'm yelling and shrieking and pointing and pulling at this Gizka on my nose, and she basically got what I was trying to tell her, and realized that she would have to do something to get this thing off. So she calls in HK-47!"
The Zabrak was fiddling with his fingers, nodding absently.
"And HK, you know him, he starts shooting randomly at things. So Mira's screaming from this, and I'm screaming from the Gizka, and HK is laughing from the blaster bolts flying around. Suddenly, one of the stray bolts must've hit Mira's, uh, shirt, because it fell clean off. I'm talking wham, bam, thank-you-ma'am, right off. It went from her chest to the ground in a second. Now this, as you can imagine, didn't maker her quite the happy camper, and she gets as stern as a Ronto and takes one of her dart things and shoots the Gizka right in the side. It loosens its jaw. But HK, damnable HK, he shoots his last bolt at the Gizka, even though it's already paralyzed, and the thing explodes. We're all covered in Gizka. It was sick!"
"Now Mira is upset and she leaves, and HK, he left laughing his vocabulator off, and I'm stuck in here, completely naked, covered in Gizka, and all alone."
"Naturally, I use my robes to wipe off the excess goo on me, and it was only until after that I realized I needed those to, you know, wear. So I pick up the only remaining material in the room: Mira's shirt! And I wrap that around the only place that needs covering, really, and that's, uh, when you walked in. Yeah."
Bao-Dur looked up at my face, which was red from the enthusiasm I put into my story. Ha-ha, piece of cake. I totally fooled him.
"So, General, you and the huntress and the assassin droid were all in here?"
"Screaming and laughing as loud as you could?"
"And I was in the next room, and I couldn't hear a thing except, oddly enough, the occasional pleasurable moan?"
The Zabrak grinned a huge grin. It was the biggest smile I'd seen since I'd known him. He patted me on the shoulder and said, "General, Mira told me everything. It's all right. Your secret's safe with me."
My face drained of all color and I gulped.
"Thanks for the story, though. Very nice," chuckled the Zabrak as he walked away.
"Hey, Bao?" I called after him.
He turned around, replying, "Yeah?"
"Did Mira say anything else about me?"
He smiled that big grin once more.
"Yes, General. She said it must've been damn cold in that cargo hold."