Seeds of Doubt

By: Sunflare

They are all dead. Well, except for Rinoa who I shall forever keep an ever vigilance on for the rest of my days. But yes, all the sorceresses are vanquished thanks to SeeD, leaving the only thing left in my existence; to watch my lover and potential enemy closely. How I love Rinoa and yet, how I hate her. Is this what Cid felt like with Edea, my foster mother, when she was possessed by Ultimecia?

I doubt it. Rinoa is not possessed and most likely, she'll never use the curse of the sorceress. I do love her; her delightful smile, her charming positive attitude on life and her way of noticing the good in everyone, even me. Yet I hate her; no, more of the fact that I hate how things are.

After Ultimecia's defeat, everything has become a complete bore. My old friend Zell never changed; he is always in the cafeteria stuffing his face with hotdogs. Quistis continues to train the new (though much less in number) cadets for SeeD. Irvine, that lowly coward and sorry excuse for a marksman, spends all day flirting with that poor girl Selphie. He should just get a life and learn that no means no. And Rinoa enjoys the simple pleasures in life, which is usually hanging off my arm and just enjoys my silence. Where am I in all of this?

Annoyed. Cid has taken his rightful place as Headmaster of the Garden so I can't even drive this flying craft. Everything I worked so hard to gain was slowly taken away. I am a meager thing indeed.

Within me lies the best gunblade knowledge and skill which could bring down the deadliest of Malboros. I am a SeeD S Rank mercenary; I'm trained to fight, serve and defeat sorceresses or whatever would dare threaten the peace. This is all that I have ever known. Grow and become stronger. So what is my purpose?

There are no enemies to fight, no assignments to complete. SeeD has become a quiet place in this peaceful world. I have no place to go, no enemy to destroy. I am nothing now.

I dare not scare my comrades of my thoughts which I have come to learn that is all I do with my days…is think. We defeated Ultimecia in the future but it is a destined future that will come to pass. We may not be here when that day comes but Ultimecia will rule with her magical fist and our descendants will suffer. There is nothing I can do.

So why do I care? Maybe during my training and adventures in Garden I did grow stronger but with that strength came a degree of respect and responsibility. I started to care for each soldier too much or perhaps Rinoa's constant assault on my emotional wall left a large hole where I began to care for the well being of others over myself. Regardless, the lone wolf, Squall, is no more.

So how do I justify my existence? Simply by giving myself meaning to make sure Rinoa, my Rinoa, will never again tap into that power that lies deep inside her and to keep her from becoming a sorceress. Now that I think about it, always thinking am I, that I'm more scared now than I was that rainy day. I'm not frightened of Rinoa, never that but I'm startled of myself. How cruel can I be, to agree with Edea, to watch my lover as if she is my death warrant?

Someday, Rinoa and I will bear a child and I fear of Rinoa's magic flowing into our child may descend into Ultimecia herself. That sorceress did have much of Rinoa's aura and my vitality and determination. And Ultimecia did manage to summon my Guardian Force without much effort. Could she be of my bloodline? Perhaps, perhaps not.

It doesn't matter anyway. Regardless of Edea's warnings, I can't help but be drawn to Rinoa. Even now, as I glance to my lover, who is starting to swell in her belly, that I know that I may have started a cataclysmic event. I don't really care. If Ultimecia is of my blood, then it was destined; if not, all the better.

So here I lie, knowing what the dawn shall bring. I will resign from SeeD, leaving the last of my identity behind and depart with my lover to Deling City to make Rinoa my wife. It has been long overdue, though I know I won't be giving the woman I love what she really wants and what she rightfully deserves. I am too torn and I fear I will remain forever ripped in two. Life will never get easier.

I will be a husband, which means I will always have the presence of another. To be successful husband I will need to support my spouse, which I doubt I could do. I am no one of importance and I've had trouble taking care of myself; so what good am I to another? What is the real point?

I will be a father, which means another life is in my hands. He or she will be defenseless without me and I don't know how to nurture a child. I will eventually fail in this as well for to show emotion and patience is something I know not. I have failed Rinoa and the unborn child before anything can even begin. Still, it is a challenge I have no choice but to except. For now, however, I wait, bored and terrified by this thing called fate. I believe that Ultimecia is or will be of our blood and we will end our bloodline by destroying her.

Why is my life like this? All I wanted was to be left alone and to be strong enough to take care of myself. How easily life can be turned upside down.

Maybe someday I will tell you what I think and feel fully, without doubt, to you my love. Too many things are against us and we are powerless to stop the wheels of fate from spinning. For now sleep, soundly and without worry or regret. How I envy you Rinoa. Ah, the sun rises.

--Thoughts of Squall Leonhart