Disclaimer: I clearly don't own Supernatural, Dean and Sam Winchester .They belong to Eric Kripke and CW Network. There won't be any profit made out of this. I simply had a bit of fun with the two loving character.
A/N : I want to thank every one who read and review Brothers at the waiting room. Since this is one of my fics it can be a little twisted and there are some major touchy feelings. So don't sue me if you don't like it.
Still Dean Winchester's Little Brother
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold"
-Frodo Baggins- (Lord of the Rings-Return of the king)
" NO" Sam Winchester gasped for air as he woke up from one of his ever so disturbing nightmares. Nightmares of his brother dying. 361 days still to come for the nightmare to be a reality unless he would stop it and he will. Sam promised Dean that he's gonna get him out this mess… no matter what will happen or what their odds will be, he's gonna do it. And after every nightmare the promise was remade.
" Sammy?" Dean called out switching on the night lamp. They have come to Lawrence because both boys wanted to visit their mother's grave. They visited Missouri Mosely after. Although Missouri wanted them to stay there; Dean wanted to stay in a motel and when Sam asked why Dean just dismissed him saying that he doesn't want Missouri's radar turned on him.
"You ok?" Dean asked climbing out of the bed and reaching Sam who was breathing fast. Dean looked worriedly at him. Sam had been more silent than he used to be after he died and it creeps out Dean like hell. Dean understood how Sam felt. At least to a some point since he went through the same when their dad sacrificed himself for Dean. The older boy didn't want Sam to go through it and wanted to help.
Slowly Sam's breathe became normal. " So what was it?"
Sam stared at him. "What was what?"
Dean rolled his eyes. " The dream, the nightmare, vision, spidey sense whatever you like to call it"
"Come on Sammy…you used to tell them."
" May be, but I'm waiting"
"Why don't you tell me about your own episodes at night Dean?"
Dean froze. How come Sammy knows about them? He never woke up screaming… Dean did have his own scary episodes at night too. Just like Sam his dreams was about his little brother dying in his arms. It replayed again and again. Sometimes Sam would talk with him before he dies. Some times it's nothing…just like how it happened. But in the end whatever happen…whatever they talk…whatever Dean promised…his little brother…his Sammy died in his arms.
Other than the troublesome nightmares Dean was fine…just fine. He felt much better after talking to Missouri. They killed the fucking yellow eyed bastard, freed dad's soul. Got the revenge for mom and Jess and most of all Sam was alive. Whether he didn't come 100 pure or not. Dean just didn't care. To his eyes it was his Sammy… his little brother. His purpose of life. One person that left in his family and the very person he would protect fiercely even if he have to sell his soul again for Sammy so that he'll be safe. Dean would definitely do it.
Dean was surprised when Sam kept on shooting Jake but Dean believed Sam had reason. Hell Jake was the one who killed Sam in the first place and if Sam didn't do it; Dean was most likely to do it by himself…And demons…they so fucking lie. It even said that John and Sam don't need him which was something that's not true and Dean always knew it.
"They are just dreams" Dean told Sam. 'Pretty horrifying but dreams' "Nothing I couldn't handle" 'cuz I already did handle it.'
"So out with it bro"
"I'm gonna handle it fine too Dean. So just drop it"
"You are having
nightmares aren't you?"
"It's none of your business"
" It's my damn business Sammy…why don't you talk about it"
" There's nothing to talk about."
" I want to help you Sam" Dean said.
Sam was silent and Dean was biting his lower lip
" We used to talk about these stuff…what changed it?" Dean asked hating Sam's silence.
" I died and you made a fucking deal with a demon …that what changed" Sam suddenly yelled letting go of his bottled up feelings. Dean flinched when he heard Sam saying 'I died' Dean's eyes filled with pain. He stared blankly at Sam for several minutes while Sam was pacing in the bedroom like a caged animal. Dean slowly got up from Sam's bed and walked outside the motel room. Sam mentally kicked himself. 'Way to go…you upset Dean you fucking idiot' Sam sighed in frustration and sat down on the bed; his head in his hands.
Sam was sitting on the living room staring at no particular thing. Missouri's heart sank at the lost and the beaten look on Sam's face. Missouri sat down next to him on the couch and gently squeezed Sam's knee snapping the youngest Winchester out of his thoughts. Sam looked at Missouri and sighed.
" Hey yourself."
" Is Dean alright?"
He will be as long as you are around Sam"
" What he did was so stupid Missouri. We were taught not to believe demons let alone make a deal with one."
" It was not my choice Sam"
" Won't you question it even?" Sam asked.
"Questioning it would never make any difference because Sam it had already been taken…no one can change the fact and you'll have to learn to with it."
" I don't know Missouri…HE shouldn't have done it…he never should have. What dead should stay dead he said it himself." Sam said with his head in his hands.
" Try to get into his shoes dear…What if Dean died in your arms and you had this chance to get him back and wouldn't you do the same?"
" I would." Sam muffled.
" But what if I couldn't save him…then what would happen?…Dean sacrificed every thing in his life for me…he protected me and now that my chance had come to do so; I'm scared that I would screw it up…He just act as every thing is fine Missouri when they aren't…he think it's ok as long as I'm living and he might not but it's not. I don't want him dead after a year…he thinks him missing is no big deal when it is…I love him as much as he does. How am I gonna live with this Missouri?" Sam's breathe hitched as tears rolled down on his cheeks. Missouri enveloped the youngest Winchester in a big hug and Sam cried on her neck.
" Believe in yourself and heart Sam. There is always a way. You just gotta find it. It won't be easy but you won't be alone in this fight. As long as you two have each other you'll be ok and you'll find it. You two are Winchesters and the ones I know are stubborn bastards that would not give in so easily." Missouri said brushing the tears off as Sam broke away from her.
" How are you feeling about all the died-but-alive thing? You can talk to me Sam. I already did with Dean and he let go of few things that he bottled inside. It's your turn now. How are you taking this?" Missouri asked breaking the long silence they had.
" You know what Missouri…I've been thinking this for a while. If things had been different I would have gone back to school and lead a normal life me and Dean both if he's ok with it . I'd become a lawyer and Dean would wax his damn car and would have a steady relationship with a girl and have a family..…No more hunting…But that life is over. I even doubt when we found out the way and Dean wouldn't die things will still change. I can't go back. It's just so hard when every time I know that I died and got resurrected, I feel as if some part of me died and it would never come back. I can't be old me…"
"Then be a new Sam…People change with time. Yes you might not be you before all this happened and that is history. I'm not what I used to be too Sam people change. Your brother gave you a new life. May be it has more responsibilities that you can handle right now but eventually you will. May be you can't go back but it's ok. Just walk away and don't look back because you still have your life and it's worth living for. Beside dear you forgot something"
" Whatever happened whether you can't go back to your old life…you are still Dean Winchester's little brother. You are and always will be" Missouri said and managed to get a heart felt warm smile from Sam.
Dean slipped inside the Impala. His head was aching. Dean winced as he remembered Sam's words. He wrapped his arms around himself in a protective hug and slowly rocked back and forth. His living nightmare sprang into a live show inside his head. Sammy dying in his arms and he couldn't stop it. It will be something that will haunt him to his grave. The older boy licked his lips and rubbed his forehead absentmindedly. Dean leaned on the steering wheel with his head resting on his arms.
Dean was busy eating pancakes in the kitchen. Sam was at living room. Dean secretly wished Missouri would fuss over Sam so he could stay out of her and have his thoughts for himself…at least for a while. The black woman always knew how to keep Dean on line thanks to her physic powers and Dean dared to use his cocky appearance.
But Dean never got his wish cuz Missouri chose to talk to him first. She entered the kitchen. " Mmm…Missouri my favorite pancakes" Dean said munching them greedily.
"The way you wolf them down young man…You act as if you have never seen pancakes" Missouri said as she sat down next to him on the stool. Dean grinned sheepishly. Missouri observed the young boy closely. However dean refused to believe or show he was hurting inside. But before Missouri could even say anything Dean started talking.
" Don't you Missouri…don't you jump on my throat saying it was a damn stupid idea too. Cuz whatever I did I got Sammy back…ALIVE…and that's all I care. May be I'm selfish…I don't know but I'm not gonna listen to any crap you'd try to say cuz I did what I felt right and that's it…End of the story." Dean said firmly. His voice shook and his eyes were filled with pain and anguish. Missouri waited till the young man calmed himself.
" No Dean. I'm not going to jump at your throat. So calmed down boy. If I was going to, I wouldn't have waited until now. Beside you said it yourself. It's not going to change anything. You did it and it is done. I'm here so that you could talk about anything that's bothering you. Dean don't hide them and get buried in your own shell. I'm a physic but it doesn't mean that I'm gonna read you boy. If you want to say something or ask you do it…I'm here" Missouri said softly touching Dean's hand. Dean was silent for a moment.
" You said people come here for good news not for the truth"
"It depends on
what you want to know Dean"
" What if I want to know both?"
" Like I said it's your choice. I hardly believe I get to choose anything for you Winchester lot" Dean smirked knowingly. Missouri waited patiently for Dean to talk.
" Don't you think fate or destiny or whatever crap it is ; twisted in so many freaking levels?"
" I thought you didn't believe in them" Missouri said amused.
" I never did. We make our own damn thing"
" so why come up with it now?"
" Don't know Missouri. May be I'm loosing it…you know 23 years ago when dad placed Sammy on my hands I felt so damn responsibility towards the kid and I still do. That I should look out for him and protect him. He had been my whole life and 23 years later he just died in the very freaking arms dad placed him for safety. How fucked up is that huh?"
Missouri would have smacked the boy with her wooden spoon for all that swearing if it had been a different situation. But Dean is opening up and Missouri didn't want to discourage it.
" Before dad died he asked me to take care of Sam …like I needed to be told…But then again may be I do need to be told cuz I let dad down…I let Sammy down."
were both silent. Dean stared outside the window blankly.
" I just had to do it Missouri. You know I would do anything for Sammy in a heartbeat if it would keep him alive and safe. So God help me I found a way and I did" Dean sighed heavily and he felt his eyes sting. Dean's breathe hitched and Missouri so wanted to hug and comfort the boy who was hurting inside very much.
"So tell me Missouri did I do wrong? Did I?" Dean asked as the tears were pouring out his eyes. Missouri hugged him and Dean held on to her.
" It's okay to cry dear…It's ok" Missouri soothed and Dean did. He let out of all the pain, he bottled up in himself.
After several minutes Dean broke away. He wiped his tears and looked down embarrassed. " You don't have to be strong always Dean"
" I have to be for Sam's sake" Dean said rubbing his face absentmindedly.
" Do you think he'll be ok you know with all his shinning things?"
" He will and you both will be. Don't give him a hard time
boy. Help him to get yourself free"
" Ah… Missouri news flash, I want my soul too. It's such a damn handsome soul I so don't wanna loose it. What the hell are you talking here woman?"
" Don't use
that voice on me Dean Winchester"
" Sorry ma'am" Dean grinned sheepishly…But in next few minutes he was serious again. " But the deal…if I try to break it Sammy will drop dead. Don't wanna risk it"
" Well it's up to you two. You gotta talk to each other and settle this matter. Sam will save you no matter what the deal said"
" I know it" Dean agreed." That's what bothers me."
" Then help him. You two will need each other. Sam will need you more than ever."
" I'm not going anywhere until for a year. He always got me."
" Are you two
staying today?" Missouri stood up.
"Uh huh…no way"
"And why's that?"
" I don't want your radar on me. I'll keep my thoughts to myself thank you"
"I definitely stay out of your head Dean Winchester. It's full of rubbish and I'll just give myself a migraine."
" What?!" Dean exclaimed indignantly "You sure were inside my head last time."
" Oh…Some one just have to keep you in the line…without your God forsaken pranks and ideas." Missouri went away and Dean stared at her open mouth and wide eyes like a goldfish. ' God damn it'
Sam walked outside. He wanted to take back the words so badly…but he can't. He reached the Impala knowing that Dean would be there. Sam opened the passenger door and got in. The Chevy Impala…Dean's beloved baby…she had become a part of their family as she had shared their feelings through out years with her presence. She is their solid ground which will always be their home.
Dean straightened himself up feeling Sam's presence. Sam bit his lip.
" Dean…I'm so sorry man…it just…I was angry and I didn't think"
"S'okay Sammy" Dean said softly.
"No. It's not…you aren't ok…I'm not ok"
" Sam I understand how you feel…at least some part. I went through it and I never wanted you to go through it either. But life is a bitch man…I really wish you hadn't…" Dean winced. " You hadn't died and we kill that bastard together…then you can go back to college, become a lawyer and lead your apple pie life with a family…you know kids and everything. I really do but…" Dean closed his eyes. Sam waited patiently. " But it didn't happen you…you…" Dean tried his best to continue without tears. " I had to do it Sammy…I had to. You are my family and only best thing in my damn twisted life. I screwed up…I just…just couldn't let you down too." Dean chocked and Sam felt his own tears streaming down.
" You never did Dean…"
" Please Sam. I told you before don't get mad at me…please don't" Dean voice broke out. He climbed out of the Impala and slammed the door. Embarrassed at his tears, Dean brushed them away cursing. Sam was right behind him. He reached out and squeezed Dean's shoulder and Dean closed his eyes again.
" Dean it wasn't your fault. I was just angry. I'm so sorry about what happened. Never meant to hurt you" Sam paused. He felt Dean reaching and squeezing his hand. Sam returned the gesture. " We'll figure out this. And Dean you gotta believe me man; you never let me down. Look what you have done for me…and I'd always do the same for you"
" Nope…not gonna happen lil brother. Don't do any thing stupid cuz I can't risk it…We'll spend this year together ok? You and me; like always. We'll send those freaking bastard that got out from the hell, right back to where they belong."
" NO!!" Sam shook his head. " We gonna get you out of this mess. I will. I promise. I just don't care what will happen doing it…I just don't. I'm gonna save you and that's it. I'm Gonna Save You"
Dean tried to talk but Sam cut him off.
"Dean…you are not hearing me out. Not my part…I don't know how you feel man cuz you never died on my arms. I stopped you dying last time…remember? But since you didn't die; I don't know how it feels, when your brother dies in your arms and God help me I don't want to go through the same thing. Please Dean you gotta help me here. Please don't let that happen to me." Tears rolled own again on both brothers' cheeks.
" Don't you realize it Dean? …I don't wanna think about a life without you too. You are my big brother. You are my family and only best thing in my damn twisted life too. I can always trust you. I feel safe with you Dean cuz I know that you'll protect me. I want it…even though I bitch about it like hell. We'll get through this man. That's what we do. We get crewed up but we come out…we survive. Damn it Dean we are Winchesters aren't we all screwed up at some point?" Sam said wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt and sniffing.
Dean suddenly snorted. " Aw…Sammy shouldn't we hug and cry our hearts out?" Sam smirked too. " That was one halleluiah chick flick moment bitch" Sam agreed whole heartedly. " So are we cool?" Sam asked looking into his brother's eyes. " Well…I'm always. How about you?"
" Good" Dean said grinning. "Let's get the hell outta here. My ass is freezing"
' And you ass is mine this time Dean . If you don't behave I'm gonna spank your God damn ass…" Sam mused.
" What are you snickering at lil brother" Dean asked lightly smacking him on the head. They were walking back to the motel.
'lil brother' Sam beamed. May be he can't go back to his old life… may be he can. May be there are some things that time can't mend; the facts that he did die and Dean made a deal. There are some hurts that too deep and taken hold. But one thing hadn't change. Whether he died and got resurrected. He is still Dean Winchester's little brother. He is and always will be
Hmm. that's it…Please review so I could know your ideas.