Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach! It belongs to Kubo Tite.

A/N: I got this idea last night. It helped me sleep big time (I'd been trying to for over an hour!), so I thought I'd write it out and see what you guys think. This is a purely crack fic. Hope you enjoy! Please R & R!

Cooking for Espadas

by chairomori

She grinned happily to herself. In a rare moment, Aizen-sama had granted her free reign for a few hours. She could do whatever she wanted! Sneaking a glance behind, she saw that Ulquiorra was still following her. Dang him! It was no fun when someone followed her around, but it was better than nothing, she supposed.

'Hm. What to do. What to do,' she mentally chanted as she half skipped through the hallways. There was a sandstorm outside, and she didn't want to get caught in it. Skipping lightly past various doors, she skimmed the signs on them.

Cuarto de Fuerza de Dueño Aizen. Master Aizen's Room of Power. This was where Aizen-sama came when he needed to feel at the top of his world. She heard that they kept low-level hollows there that chanted, "Yes, Aizen-sama," over and over again in subjugation. Ridiculous, yes. But the man, er dead man, had to get his big head from somewhere, right? She skipped away to the next door.

Abres y te mataré. Open and I will kill you. She skipped a little faster past this one. It was the eight espada's laboratory.

Servicio. Bathroom. Hm. Maybe she should go just in case. Moments later, she came out, hands freshly washed. She never knew when she'd need them after all! "La la la." She continued to skip down the hallway, unaware she how annoying her antics were to a certain espada that tailed her.

Skip. Skip. Skip. Past more signs and doors. Biblioteca. Library. Enfirmería. Infirmary. Cocina de las Noches. Kichen of . . . She stopped.

Kitchen. Kiiiiiitcheeeeeeeeeeeen. Slowly, she edged towards the door and grasped the handle. Nothing happened. No booby traps. No being blasted into another dimension. She creaked the handle down, little by little. Then cracked open the door. Just enough to stick her eye in . . . er, for her to see with. Pretty silent. She then dared to stick her entire head in. Nope. No one there. It was all hers. A sparkling clean kitchen, stocked with who knows what. All hers. Her mind began to settle in its cooking trance when –

"What are you doing?"

Dang. He had followed her here – she like to cook in private. For some reason, it wasn't as fun cooking with other people around. They always told her what not to do. She turned to Ulquiorra. "Cooking," she stated simply as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Now shoo! Shoo shoo!" she mimicked his ever frowning face. "You can't watch!" He refused to budge. Hm. A tough cookie. Speaking of cookies, they sounded really, really good right now. "Fine then. But you have to stay outside, okay? If you behave, I might even let you try my new cookie recipe!" she patronized.

The espada sighed inwardly. Just why was he putting up with this human again?

Sensing his silent agreement – how could she tell with that monotonous expression carved there was beyond any reasoning – she entered the kitchen and slammed the door shut in eagerness. The cooking trance was in full effect. 'Tee hee.' She immediately ransacked the cupboards to see what she could find.

Harina. Flour. A must have for cookies. She scanned some more. 'Oooooooooo! Curry powder! It'll taste great! Inoue's Curry Cookies,' she imagined in headlights. 'But that's a bit too plain. I'll have to add some sorta filling. Hm.' She remembered Ulquiorra waiting outside and his eternal frown. 'Yes, that's it! I'll need to add lots of spicy stuff! I bet that'll definitely cheer him up from whatever he's always so upset about!' She found a couple lemons. 'Better add some of these too! He'll be all jumpy and happy like me in no time!'

She rolled up her sleeves. 'Let's see. First, I need a bowl.' She put one in front of her. 'Check.' Next she added several cups of curry powder, followed by a few dashes of flour for flavoring. How that logic worked can never be explained. Next she poured in some orange juice and lemonade. There had been milk, but she'd decided it was way too plain. Her cookies needed an exotic flavoring. She mixed it together until a sickly red paste formed. Then she set it aside and began to work on her filling.

On the counter before her rested red hot chili peppers, jalapenos, the lemons from earlier, black peppers, and a hodgepodge of other what nots. 'Ah, the filling will be so colorful!' she fantasized joyfully. She went to work mashing the ingredients together with a mortar and pestle until they all blended together into a puke colored creme. She whipped some up in her finger and tested it. 'Ooooooo! So spicy! Yummy!'

The fun part was over now, so she hurriedly rolled out the curry dough and cut it into fist sized circles. Then she slapped on her creme and put another circle on top of them. After she finished, she threw them in an oven and waited for them to bake. She swung her legs as he sat on the counter in front of the oven. Oh. This would be fantastic. She had about five dozen cookies. More than enough!

Ding! Finally! She ripped open the oven and reached in to pull out the cookie tray. "OUCH!" she shouted. In her rush she'd forgotten to put on a cooking mitten! She ran to get one and immediately returned. She gasped as she pulled them out. What beautiful clay red cookies! And the creme sandwiched in the middle! No one color could be used to describe such a wonderful mixture!

Outside the door, Ulquiorra was growing a bit uneasy. His charge had been in there for almost an hour. She didn't look like she was going to do anything wrong, but for some reason, she couldn't help but feel ominous vibes whenever he heard her giggle through the door. He tapped his knees as he sat in boredom.

Oh wait. There she was now. Finally, she was done at last. Under her arm, she clasped a wicker basket full of who knows what. He sniffed and suppressed a sneeze. Something was odd about whatever was in that basket. There was a foul, tangy scent about it. He'd have to be cautious if she asked him to try it.

She pulled out a cookie at held it in front of him. "Do you want one?" she asked innocently. "I call them, Inoue's Super Sour an' Spicy Curry Cookie Kickers! Try one and tell me how you like it! I have more!"

He didn't like the name . . . or the look. There was something odd about the cookie dangling in his face, and it wasn't just the name. Sour and spicy. Did those two words belong together? Curry and cookies? Absurdity! All of it! He wasn't very comforted by the visuals either. It looked like two scabs of dried blood slammed over . . . over something! No way he was trying this. Better to weasel out of it somehow . . .

"Actually, I – mpf!" His eyes widened in horror as she shoved it into his mouth in impatience. Oh gods, the awful curry taste! He hated curry!

"Chew it! You have to get to the filling! It's great!" she cheered.

Well, he couldn't very well spit it out! He wouldn't want her to throw a fit or get upset or anything, right? So he did as she said and struggled to bite down on the large cookie jammed in his jaws. He paled. His hand came over his mouth. 'Breathe. Breathe. BREATHE!' His tongue was on fire!

She clapped her hands in victory, mistaking his attempts to breathe for nods of agreement. "Tee hee! I knew you'd like it!" She observed in joy as his eyes widened. 'He's looking less grumpy already! And he's only had one!' She held up the wicker basket in front of him. "Don't be shy! I have plenty more!"

He couldn't take anymore. He turned around. He needed this cookie or whatever it was out of his mouth. Pronto. Uncaring about leaving his charge behind, he ran back the way they came, tears flowing out of his eyes from the chili peppers.

"What the fu – ?" Grimmjow cursed questioningly as his rival pushed past him in a mad dash. He could have sworn that the usually calm, reserved espada had been on the verge of freaking out. Or rather, he was.

"Grimmjow-san?" Oh, there was the human girl, and she had a basket of something.

"Would you like one?" she asked. "Ulquiorra loved them so much! I'm sure you'll agree! They're great!" She took one out and handed it to him.

Grimmjow looked at it doubtfully as he held it. Hesitantly, he brought it closer to his mouth before shoving it in his mouth and chewing. He started out slow, but began to chew faster, and faster. And faster and faster. Soon he had worked up a sweat and unsuccessfully tried to stop himself from crying from the pain his tongue felt. He turned and sped off in the direction of the other espada.

She stared questioningly. "Hm. That good huh?"

Meanwhile, eyes bloodshot and teary, Grimmjow threw open the door that said Servicio and found Ulquiorra already there gulping down hordes of sink water, disgusting as that may have been.

"Damn it! Move aside!" he tried to shove Ulquiorra's head away.

The fourth espada elbowed him. "I was here first!"

"Like I care!"

"Four beats six!"

"Move it squirt!"


Back to the kitchen, Orihime had left a few of her Inoue's Super Sour an' Spicy Curry Cookie Kickers for any soul who dared to try some before skipping back off to do who knows what else. Of course, anyone who could see them knew right away to avoid them at all costs. Unfortunately, in Las Noches, there existed someone who couldn't see them and therefore had no qualms about trying them.

Tousen, hungry for a bit of a snack, decided to enter the kitchen to see if the cooks had left any snacks out. Luckily for him, he thought, they did! Cookies! He didn't think the hollows or arrancar knew how to make any. But cookies were cookies! He eagerly bit into one and began chewing. Chew. Chew. Roar! His mouth must have caught on fire! What were in these things? Suddenly, "I can see! I can SEE!" Indeed, he could see little stars dancing around his blind vision before passing out on the kitchen, cookie in hand.

A newly allied Ulquiorra and Grimmjow arrived just in time to witness this episode while looking for the former's charge.

"That is some dangerous grub!" Grimmjow surmised.

"Indeed. Let's find her."

And so, they searched for Orihime. It was quite simple. They didn't even need to follow her reiatsu. All they did was follow the trail of unconscious arrancar and occasionally espada along the way. Soon enough, they found the culprit, in all her giddy glory.

"You're coming with us," Grimmjow ordered.

"Oh! Did you want some more?" She reached into her basket to pull out more.

"No!" Ulquiorra quickly grabbed the basket and held it out of her reach.

"Huh?" she said blankly.

"Never mind, just come on!"

She followed them all the way outside, where apparently, the sandstorm had ended. "Oh! I see! You wanted to have a picnic outside with these cookies! Why didn't you just tell me!? I could have made even more!"

"Not exactly," Grimmjow said. He held his hand out and opened a portal to Karakura town.

Ulquiorra put his had on her back and shoved her through.

"Oof! Huh?" She looked at them through the hole. "What are you doing? I'm free?"

"And take your damn cookies with you!" Grimmjow dumped the basket on her head.

"Ouch! That wasn't nice!" She stared as they closed the hole. Oh well. She was home now and free to do whatever she wanted! What to do? What to do? A lightbulb went up. "I know! I'll make more of my cookies and see how Kurosaki-kun and the others like it!" That settled, she skipped off.

A/N: So what do you think? Please, R&R!

6/28/07 – Thanks to Reverberating Winds for noticing an error in my Spanish! I've fixed Abres y matarás to what's in the story now.