Author's Note: Some people I know are really going to hate me for this, but I never really learn and destroying movies for people is what I enjoy doing best. However, please try to remember that I will die without reviews.

I am not kidding.

Do it.

Waaaahh!

Disclaimer: I do not own The Fifth Element.


DESERT, NILE RIVER VALLEY – DAY


Professor: Three planets, eclipse, black hole, evil…Oh my! Terror! Chaos! Billy! THE ULTIMATE EVIL, BILLY!! (The Professor starts coughing, choking on spit as he enthusiastically tries to enunciate the message of doom through gurgling and retching.)

Billy: Why can't we just open the door?

Professor: FIVE THOUSAND!!

Billy: What?!

Professor: In five thousand years we can open the door, my son.

Billy: We'll be dead then. Or at least you will be.

(At this point, a boring turn of events takes place. This old guy shows up and tries to poison the Professor, they find out that there is some way to defeat the ultimate evil – whatever THAT means – "monsters" show up and they look very similar to ducks and are apparently German…AND the old man has a thing for one of them. A key is given and some bricks as well…blah…blah…some ducks die…bleh, bleh…I think the Professor dies too?)

M'kay.


SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM


Staedert: We need a thermometer, stat!

Captain: It's jammed! One reading is very cold and the other is…OMG, very hot!

Tech #2: It's shaped like a cookie!

Captain: What is that?!

Tech #1: The President is on Park I, sir.

Staedert: Send out The Probe.

Captain: (Le gasp) You promised you'd never do that!

Staedert: Uh, the probe?

Captain: Oh.

President: I'll need that useless but still very important information, General. Potty break is in ten minutes! I'm on a strict schedule here!

Staedert: Nothing yet, Mr. President. We've found it to be quite large and not very energetic. With the thermonuclear sca –

President: What don't you understand about potty break, General?

Staedert: (Blanches)

President: You aren't very bright, are you?

Staedert: It just keeps getting bigger!

President: What do we do?

Tech #1: Shoot it!

Tech #2: Fire the lazy beams!

Tech #1: That'll just make it angry!

Tech #2: No! I saw it in the movie Dungeon Masters of Clepton. Firing the lazy beams is bound to make it asplode and will eliminate the evil menace and its enormously enormous expanding powers of doom!

Tech #3: (Comes out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks Tech #2) YOU STOLE MY SUGGESTION!

President: TWO MINUTES!

Head Chemist: It is in our best interests that we not shoot this organism because of the fact that it looks and smells evil.

President: It smells funny?

Head Chemist: Yes, sir.

President: Oh, well, that's no good. It must be hostile!

Head Chemist: But it hasn't attacked, sir.

President: No, but it has gotten bigger and it's looking at me funny!

Head Chemist: Sir, you have gotten bigger, but we haven't shot you yet.

President's Henchslaves: (Snipe out the Head Chemist and dispose of the body)

Captain: Sir, we have to remember that safety and security is an issue here…

President: Is it?

Cornelius: Mr. President, if I might add something…

President: What?! Gorramit, I want my potty break!

Cornelius: Let your mind go to a peaceful place. A fuzzy purple place…and just imagine that this thing is hiding. It wants to be unidentified because it is very, very evil-like.

President: I still want to shoot it.

Cornelius: But it will only make it angry!

Tech #1: SCORE!

Tech #3: The probe, sir.

Staedert: Uh…

President: What is it now?

Staedert: The probe, sir…It exploded!

President: Priest, your name?

Cornelius: Vito Cornelius.

President: Your theory arouses me in ways that I cannot explain.

Cornelius: Time is not important, your eminence – only your happiness.

President: Fire when ready!

Staedert: Yayz!

Scientist: Wait – my sci-senses are tingling! The surface has solidified!

President: I thought you said it was a rock!

Staedert: It is. It just sort of might be intelligent…a little.

Cornelius: It's terribly intelligent, Mr. President. I too feel tingly.

Captain: Missile loaded, General.

President: I have a doubt, but it could just be the fact that I haven't poo'ed in a week.

Staedert: I don't.

President: You "don't" what?

Staedert: FIRE THE MISSILE!

President: Did it die?

Staedert: I'm afraid not, sir.

Scientist: Oh! You made it angry!

(The planet has now literally doubled in size and is apparently growing even larger.)

President: Get out of there! You all are an accident waiting to happen!

Staedert: It looks…like a giant raisin…

(They all asplode in a burst of light, fire, and noxious gas.)