Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge Absinthe is legal in the United States and it is not nearly as effective as I show it to be in my story. If it were then it would be the coolest drink in the world . . . illegal too unless I miss my guess.
Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
"So what do you think this year will be like?" Ron asked Hermione. The two of them were on the train coming back from their beginning of the year meeting.
"Hopefully it will be nice and quiet . . . wait, do you hear something?"
"Bwahahaha," Harry ran by sans clothing.
"You were saying?"
"Get him," Hermione said and the chase began.
"Can't catch me," Harry screamed. "I'm invisible."
"Stun him," Hermione screamed.
"Right," Harry agreed.
"Well that was . . ." Ron cut off when Harry felled him with a well placed right cross.
"Stupidfie," Harry screamed. "Go 'im."
"I wasn't . . . never mind. Now, let's go back to the compartment and put your clothes back on."
"NO," Harry screamed and began running again.
"Damn it." Hermione attempted to give chase but Harry had disappeared.
"Did you see Harry come this way?" George asked as he and Fred arrived.
"What'd you do?" Hermione growled.
"Well . . ."
"What'd you do?" The girl's wand was in her hand and it may have been their imagonation, but the twins would later say that the tip was glowing and humming.
"We sort of gave him some Absinthe," George admitted.
"But we didn't expect this to happen," Fred said quickly. "We were just trying to calm him down a bit."
"He seemed nervous about something."
"Pick up Ron," Hermione commanded. "And gather the others, we're going on a Harry hunt."
Meanwhile, Draco and his goons were walking up the isle for their yearly harrasment in Harry's compartment.
"Ok, here's how I want it to go." Draco began. "I'll open the door, and make a comment on how poor Weasley's family is. Then I want you two to leer at any girls in the compartment, maybe make a comment about how you hope you get a turn after the Dark Lord takes them prisoner. Then I'm going to . . . what the hell. Potter?"
"Stupidfie, Stupidfie, Stupidfie." Harry yelled as he knocked all three of them out with a series of well placed punches. "Now what to do with them?"
"Aieeeee," Draco screamed. He wasn't sure how it had happened, but someone had stripped him and tied him to the front of the train. Where the hell were his goons? They were supposed to prevent things like that from happening. "Oh no," he groaned as his eyes spied a herd of cattle crossing the tracks ahead. "What have I done to deserve this?"
"Ok, here's what's happening." Hermione said to the group. "Harry is naked and running around the train . . . Ginny come back here."
"You too Luna."
"I just needed to go to the bathroom," Neville protested. Actually it was because the last time he got caught in one of their wacky adventures, he ended up spending a rather unpleasant night petrified on the floor of the common room.
"You can go later," Hermione said firmly. "Or in the corner over there. As I was saying, Harry is running around the train naked and we have to find him before he causes any trouble. Questions?"
"Why is Harry running around the train naked?"
"Because the twins gave him something to drink," Hermione said with a pointed glare at Fred and George.
"Uh . . . why was Harry dumb enough to take anything from the twins?"
"We swore that it wasn't a prank," George said.
"And it wasn't," Fred added quickly. "We didn't know this would happen."
"Luna," Hermione called out. "You don't have to put your hand up, you can just ask."
"Should we take off our clothes too so he trusts us?" Luna asked.
"No, now let's go get him."
"And that's what started everything Professor," Hermione said meekly.
"That still doesn't explain all the damage," Dumbledore said sternly. "Or why Harry is still missing."
"Well . . ."
"Why don't we let them get something to eat first?" Minerva suggested. "They can pick up the rest of the story later."
Hermione fled the room Albus turned to Minerva with a questioning look on her face.
"We found Messers Crabbe and Goyle," Minerva said. "Naked and in a rather . . . compromising position in one of the luggage compartments. What exactly is it that you're teaching those students Severus?"
"It was all Potter's doing," Snape growled. "We should expel him."
"You really need to get a new catch phrase," Poppy said in a sing song voice. "Looser."
"The conversation isn't about how much of a looser Severus is," Dumbledore said firmly. "Why don't we talk about what happened in the great hall while we wait for them to return?"
"So what are you planning to do this year Albus?" Minerva asked.
"I was thinking that it might be fun to engineer a situation that puts Harry in danger, then watch as the little rascal finds a way out of the predicament."
"Sounds like what you do every year."
"Why mess with success?" Dumbledore replied. "I . . ."
"Craaaw," Harry screamed as he ran into the Great Hall. The Professors watched in shock as Naked Harry jumped onto their table and made several lewd pelvic thrusts in the direction of their new Defence Professor.
"Mister Potter," McGonagall said in shock.
"Ahhh, bees." Harry screamed. "You'll never take me alive." His message given, Harry made an impossible leap up and through one of the windows.
"That was Harry Potter?"
"It was Deloris."
"Then my work is done," the woman stood. "My task was to discredit Harry Potter and drive him insane. From the looks of things, I've done just that. Damn I'm good. A qualified Professor from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement will be here sometime in the next three days."
"Stroke of luck in getting rid of her though," Minerva mused. "I never did like that bitch."
"Well I didn't, and it's not like I don't know those words. Just don't normally use them around students is all."
"I wonder where Harry is now?"
"Do you see a naked Harry Potter walking towards us with a pair of hedge clippers?"
"You see it too master?"
"I'm not Harry Potter?" Harry screamed. "I'm HEDGE MAN."
"Yes Hedge Man," Harry agreed. "And I'm here to cut off your head."
"Remind me to torture Severus for a few hours for being careless with his potions supplies again," Voldemort said calmly. "Stupid halusinations."
"I'll make a note of it master," Wormtail agreed.
"Hahahahaha," Harry laughed as he used the hedge clippers to cut off Voldemort's head.
"Wormtail," Voldemort's head said somehow despite the fact that he, or rather it had no tongues.
"This is a really vivid halusination."
"I know master."
"Gleep," Harry screamed his war cry and stuck the head on his hedge clippers. "I am."
"Really vivid," Wormtail said.
"A spy?" Harry screamed. "Stupidfie," punching the rat in the face. "I am the greatest in all the land."
"He can't be getting into too much trouble," Minerva said with a laugh. "Not like he could . . . oh I don't know, find Voldemort's hideout or something."
"Yeah," Dumbledore agreed. "Shhh, here come Ms. Granger and the others."
"We're back Headmaster," Hermione said as she entered the room. "After we decided to hunt down Harry, we split up into groups of three and began searching the train."
"Dear me, I'm terribly sorry for disturbing you." Ginny said. "And I want you to know that you have my support. Not in the whole Death Eater thing, in your love."
"What was that?" Neville asked.
"It seems that Crabbe and Goyle are in a rather passionate relationship."
"Wonder if Draco knows?"
"I wonder if Draco is in on it."
"We found Harry," Ron called out. "He's on the roof."
They all went to the last car and carefully climbed the ladder to the top of the train. "Now what?" Ginny demanded.
"Now we carefully walk to the front of the train and capture Harry," Hermione replied.
They carefully walked up the train to confront their naked friend.
"Look at me," Harry screamed. "I'm on top of the world, wahooo."
"Harry," Hermione said calmly. "You need to calm down and come with us?"
"Pirates?" Harry yelled. "You won't get my treasure," that said Harry jumped off the train.
"NO," Ginny screamed.
"He's fine," Hermione said in frustration. "I saw him go into one of the windows. Anyone have any suggestions?"
"Maybe we should all get naked too," Luna suggested. "That way he'll think we're invisible."
"Anyone have any suggestions that aren't crazy?"
Harry made his way to the front of the train, over the coal car, and into the engine. He spent several seconds examining the controls and then turned off the autopilot and cranked the speed to maximum.
"Bwahahaha, you'll never catch me."
Hermione and the others were surprised when the train began accelerating as they came into sight of the station and they had only just managed to get back into the train before it jumped the tracks and into the lake.
"S'not something you see everyday," Hagrid mused as he watched the train jump the tracks and crush all the boats.
"Arrr, now to get me lucky charms." Harry said as he began swimming across the lake.
"That either," Hagrid said to himself. "Maybe it's time I gave up drinking?"
"And that's all we know," Hermione finished. "We got onto the carriages and you grabbed us as soon as we walked through the front doors."
"Thank you Ms. Granger," McGonagall said. "That will be all."
"I think it's time we called . . . the Order." Dumbledore said firmly.
"No not like that," Dumbledore said. "You have to have a dramatic pause like this . . . the Order."
"Fine, the . . . Order."
"Oh I . . . Love a parade," Harry chanted as he marched down Diagon Alley with Voldemort's head stuck on his hedge clippers. "And tha . . . hey, an open sewer."
"Don't you dare drop me in that," Voldemort's head said. "You . . . ahhh, it stinks so much. It's getting in my mouth, curse you Potter."
"And that's the situation," Dumbledore finished the story.
"This is all your fault," Sirius said to Molly. "You're a bad influence."
"Me?" Molly asked in shock.
"Well I certainly never ran through the great hall naked."
"It was only the one time," Molly said weakly.
"Mum?" Bill had a stunned look on his face.
"I was chasing your father."
"Corny . . ."
Fudge looked around, he seemed to be alone.
"Corney . . ."
"Damn it, who are you?"
"You killed me Corny," Naked Harry whispered. "I'm gonna get you Corny, you and your little toad too."
"Ahhhhhhh," Fudge screamed as he ran out of his office.
"Gin," Harry said joyfully. "Horay." His buzz was starting to wear off and that needed to be fixed.
"I think I know what happened," Poppy said. "You say this is muggle?"
"So I understand," Dumbledore agreed.
"My test shows that this can react with a wizard's magical core and if it does then the results are unpredictable," Poppy said slowly. "Shouldn't happen often, maybe one out of ten would have this reaction. I'm sure Severus could tell you more about it."
"Thank you Poppy, you've been a great help."
"I do what I can Headmaster," the school Healer said modestly.
"Headmaster," a breathless Tonks said as she rushed in. "The Minister just had a heart attack."
"What, is he dead?"
"I think so," Tonks agreed. "If not he's going to be very embarrassed when he wakes up."
"Soiled himself?" The school Healer asked professionally.
"Yep, it really stank too."
"Headmaster," Kingsley yelled as he ran into the room. "There's a ghost that claims to be Voldemort haunting one of the sewers, it's really angry and keeps saying something about tasting as bad as it smells."
"Thank you Kingsley."
"Madame Bones has cordoned off the area and she sent me to get you," Kingsley said breathlessly. "She asked you to hurry because the ghost is using bad language that she doesn't want the new Aurors to hear."
"Tell her that I'll be there shortly."
"Hey baby," drunk naked Harry said to the barmaid at the Three Broomsticks. "Ya wanna go find some place private to have a bit of fun."
"I'm not sure it would be proper."
"I don't know."
"So where do you think Mr. Potter is now?" Professor Sprout asked. She and a group of her colleagues were headed to Hogsmead for a bit of heavy drink . . . that is to say, for a meeting.
"With luck, the spoiled brat is dead in a ditch somewhere."
"Who knows," Flitwick said. "Not here is all I can say."
Naked drunk Harry wearing only a pair of panties on his head rushed down the stairs and past several of his very surprised Professors.
"Pity that student teacher relationships are strictly forbidden," Professor Sprout sighed.
"Yeah," Snape agreed. The rest of the table turned to stare at him. "I mean, uh . . . some of those girls look good . . . nothing to do with that thing dangling between Potter's legs."
"Uh . . . it seems that I was in error," Professor Flitwick said to break the uncomfortable silence. "It seems that Harry was here after all."
"Is it just me or do you also see Harry scaling the Ravenclaw tower?"
"Wearing a pair of panties on his head?"
"I see it too . . . reckon we should go get him?"
"Screw it, I'm tired. Let's go to bed."
"Ok, but I don't want this to ruin our friendship."
"Oh, yeah I'm tired too."
"Good morning Harry," Luna said sweetly.
"Luna?" Harry groaned. "Where are we? My head."
"We're in the Ravenclaw girls dorm," Luna replied. "You came in through the window last night."
"Oh, I see."
"And yes I'll go out with you," Luna continued. "Crawling through my window naked and saying that I've got a nice pair is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me."
"That's fascinating," Harry said. "But my head is killing me right now and . . ."
"And here's a hangover potion for you," Luna interrupted. "I do thoughtful things like that for my boyfriend."
"Thanks . . . darling."
"You're welcome," Luna replied. "Now we need to set up some ground rules for our relationship."
"Yes," Luna agreed. "First, no dating other men. I don't want to share you with Draco."
"He's been eyeing you lately," Luna explained. "And after catching his minions in such a compromising situation . . ."
"Right, no dating other men. I'll be sure to follow that one," Harry agreed. "No doubt about that."
"Good," Luna said firmly. "Rule two, no dating other women unless I can join in."
"Fine . . .what?"
"Hermione has a nice pair," Luna said with a smile. "And I've seen the way she's been eyeing you too."
"Uh . . . ok."
"Come to think of it, there are several girls at Hogwarts with nice pairs that have been eyeing you."
"Sure Luna, whatever you say."
"Thank you Harry, Rule three would be . . . um . . . kiss me."
"You have to kiss me a lot," Luna replied. "I haven't ever done this before, so I think I'm going to need quite a bit of practice."
"I can live with that," Harry agreed. Luna pulled him into a lingering kiss. "What's rule four?"
"We'll figure it out later," Luna said. "Back to rule three."
AN: I don't see writing anymore of this, but it might happen in the future. This thing was fun to write anyway, not sure how it ended up a Luna ship but it did.