Hiei's Jade dragon: "Well lately I've been reading a lot of FMA stories and I decided to write one of my own."

Edward: "Can't you leave me alone and only torture Hiei?"

Me: "But I love tormenting all short guys . . . it's a fetish. . ."

Edward: "Who you calling so short that you can't see him without a microscope?!!! Wait you have a fetish . . . eep." tries to run away

Me: using net to catch Edward "Come back precious! Mommy loves you!"

Edward: "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" runs

ME: "Why do they always run?" has caught a whimpering Edward

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PLEASE READ OR ELSE!

Edward Elric has been beyond the gate for the past three years. He is now 18.

Character's POV: Switch to new character's situation/thoughts

Italics: Thoughts.

"Blah": dialogue

'Whatever': sarcastic remarks

Words: normal text

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He had no clue exactly how he got here, but Edward Elric was back from beyond the gate. He didn't have the strength to move nor to fathom how he did it, but he was sure glad to be home, even if he was literally in pieces. His left leg had been shattered and only a tiny fragment remained of his right arm. He felt searing pain shooting up through his entire body but with too little stamina remaining, he collapsed onto the pavement. Slowly feeling his consciousness slipping Ed mulled over the chances of his survival while being abandoned in a world where he had more enemies than friends. His last coherent thought was laughing at his own stupidity and wishing vainly to see his brother.

He passed out before he saw a military officer come inspect what had happened. One of the soldiers under Roy Mustang's command had seen a blazing green light erupt form behind an old building in Central. It was two-thirty at night and there was slight breeze ruffling the leaves and the soldier's hair, giving off a sense of danger.

"Pull yourself together man; you handled scarier situations before. A little green glow is nothing for you" said the soldier trying to quell the fear he felt.

Slowly and warily the soldier trudged on to investigate the light he has seen moments ago. He found a young man drenched in blood, missing his left leg and his right arm. With the red coat, blonde locks, and height, or lack thereof, the soldier immediately recognized him as the full metal alchemist, whom had disappeared three years ago.

The soldier rushed to his aim and upon realizing that the young alchemist was unconscious, he pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Soldier down on the corner of 5th and main behind the old research building. Requesting back-up and medical personnel."

On the other line a voice responded "Roger that. We're sending over an ambulance and reinforcement. Hold your position soldier and be on the lookout for a possible suspect."

The soldier did as he was ordered and tried to wake up the boy but to no avail. In a matter of minutes the ambulance had arrived and carted the boy off while his back-up crew went to search the area. The soldier was brought in for questioning to recount what had transpired.

As soon as the others saw who the soldier had found, many questions began to arise. The soldier was taken to the office of Roy Mustang to give a detailed report of the incident.

Meanwhile, barely alive and nowhere close to the land of the living, Edward Elric was speeding away to the military hospital in central. The crew inside the ambulance hooked the boy up to life support and inserted an IV into his only remaining arm. He also had to be placed on a respirator.

"It's full metal alright. But where is his automail? Someone sure did a number on him" Said one of the emergency response nurses.

"He's only a kid. Wonder where he's been for the past three years?" The other nurse asked, putting disinfectant on Ed's wounds.

"Looks like he's been getting the shit kicked out of him for three years."

Apparently missing limbs were the least serious of the boy's wounds. He had four cracked ribs, his breathing was shallow, the area where his left leg had been was infected, the fingers on his left arm were broken, he had numerous cuts and bruises, and they suspected some internal bleeding. All in all, the boy was extremely fortunate to be alive; either that or fate was playing a cruel trick on this decrepit soul by forcing it to survive barely above boundary of death.

The boy was rushed into the hospital where a staff was waiting to operate. It took six hours of intensive surgery to return the boy to a stable condition. He was put in a room where the attending nurse watched him like a hawk. She had wrapped up his bandages to prevent infection and was currently cooling him off with a wet wash cloth. She was a nursing assistant and was given such a high priority charge because the hospital was currently working past maximum capacity. Due to all the recent fighting, this hospital was full of soldiers and civilians.

The casualties had been so overwhelming that even medical students training via the military had been given more duties and short of the title were as proficient as the nurses and doctors themselves. Most of them were left to care for patients post surgery and help them recover. As such, young Jacqueline Ruiz at only eighteen was left to care for Mr. Elric. She was in the military training to be a doctor. As of yet, she had been stationed in Central's main hospital. As bad as it might sound it was very fortunate for her that all these soldiers had been injured as of late. Otherwise she'd be at the academy learning the basics and demonstrating on Bob the dummy-man.

However with her charge practically lifeless, it was like working on Bob. She was told to stay there until she was informed otherwise. Another bed had been placed next to Ed's for the nurse because of the shortage of people on the medical staff. She was his primary care nurse, only relinquishing her control when she believed the situation to be out of her jurisdiction. After hooking up the young alchemist to all the necessary machines, she sat down and took a bag of chips out of her bag.

He can't be older than me; he's too young to have such serious injuries. They shouldn't have allowed him to join the military at such a young age. She set her watch to beep every hour so that she could check on him and then drifted off to sleep. It was nine in the morning.

In the office of Roy Mustang:

Roy had just received word of the return of full metal. The officer who had found Ed left a few minutes ago after relaying the details of the story behind Ed's mysterious return. Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye had left to call Alphonse and Winry and inform them of Edward's condition. Winry was told to bring her tools to begin reconstructing Edward's arm and leg. Both were so glad to hear that Ed was back. They were taking the first available train to Central from Resembol.

They would be here in two days. Roy had decided that after Riza got back, the two of them would go visit Edward.

Little did they know that the nurse from hell would stop them . . .

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Well Ed is awesome so I wrote him a fic. I don't plan on any love for now; this is mainly humor and of a general category. I know the summary leads you to believe this to be purely funny, but its way more than that. Stupid fanfiction having such a short summary limit. Anyway you'll see why I named the story what I did in the next chapter or so. Enjoy and review. Flames are for setting fire to angry reviewers.