A/n: This is my alteration on a joke.

Charlie was passing by Bella's bedroom wasn't astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Bella was always tidy but the surprising thing was that she wasn't in her room.

Then he saw an envelope propped up on the pillow. It was addressed, "Charlie". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Charlie,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my true love, Edward, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Renee when she find out.

I've been finding real passion with Edward and he is so hot. I know that you don't really like Edward because he dumped me and left me alone last year. But I am over that now. And besides...I'm pregnant.

I know that you would have liked it more if I eloped with Jacob, but Edward says that I should only pay attention to him and be his slave forever. Anyways, Jake got a boyfriend. He is secretly dating Sam, but he hasn't come out of the closet yet.

Edward says that we are going to be very happy. The Cullens wouldn't let me live with them but Edward bought us a nice place. He owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Our first one will be named Pina Colata if it is a girl or Jack Daniel if it is a boy. This is because Edward has a slight drinking problem and the child's name will help him to remember that drinking isn't bad. He even got me addicted to beer. Yum.

Edward also has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. Isn't that great?!

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Edward can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don't worry Charlie, I'm 18 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Bells! (now called Crazy Bee-otch)

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm at Angela's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than becoming one of the eternally damned. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!