I know what this is, okay?
I know that this is a doomed romance. It's supposed to be tragic and end horribly and all in all it's not the best kind of relationship to be involved in. I can sit here and pretend like everything will work out; I can say we'll be fine; I can roll with every new obstacle with considerable grace. I'm not naïve.
Romeo and Juliet? I've read it. It's poignant and romantic and I get that society's obsessed with a world where the most sincere of lovers can't be together due to whatever situation. The most intense love is the kind of passion that comes from knowing that said love is wrong, or forbidden, or impossible. Nobody likes to watch a game where they know one side can win without a fight. Without the obstacles, the pay off just wouldn't be rewarding. Well, I don't want to be some sick sideshow entertainment to the masses. I don't care if it won't be as interesting because it isn't doomed. What I want is a guarantee. I want someone to take an oath and promise me that this is different, that my relationship well, that we'll be together.
I've watched Buffy. I know that Edward is supposed to leave me for my own good, that I'm supposed to have a better life without him and move on. I know that would be the noble thing to do and I shouldn't make it harder for him. But what I really know is that I'm just so beyond grateful that Edward is more selfish than fictional Angel ever was. But that isn't my main point: if he left, I would follow. There would be no understanding. I wouldn't let him leave me. I know that Angel and Buffy never got their happy ending and that they were still in love til the end but that love never came to fruitation. I know that and I'm saying that I don't care. This story of mine will be different.
We are different. We've made it work. And it will keep on working. We'll have our happy forever.
But I know that's not true. I worry. This stability is temporary. Everything about me is temporary and everything he is represents permanence. I know that so many love stories can't be wrong. I know that to keep our emotions as sacred as we need to, we can't have happiness.
The sinking reality is we're trying to live out this fabricated dreamland where the letter reached Romeo in time or Juliet woke up before he could take the poison. We're trying to pretend that Angel got his shanshu after Buffy wasn't the only slayer anymore and they got to have their happily ever after. We're defying every tale of lovesick woe there is and I'm just waiting for it all to come bounding down on me.
It's right there in the name of our relationship- tragic. And that implies quite unforgivingly that someone has to die, that someone has to suffer, that we can't have bliss. It goes against the laws of nature and no one has ever succeeded in winning this battle. I'm determined to but the fear in me whispers that it's futile.
Are we doomed?
AN: So, who's been watching Buffy DVDs, specifically the end of the Bangel 'ship? That would be me. And since I feel anything for that fandom has to be epic the emotions I felt transferred into my other beloved vampire/human love story. How is it, for a spur-of-the-moment engorgement?