Okay then…this will be the last chapter of this story! Yes, might be a little bit short, but I was never intending on making this story very long…so yeah, hope you'll enjoy this last chapter of my oh so angsty story!
Disclaimer: Nope, don't own Yu-Gi-Oh yet. Still having eager discussions with Santa about it, though.
Pairings: Bakura/Ryou only in this chapter.
Warnings: ANGST! Yup, that is all.
So yeah. Happy reading to all of you! See you at the end notes!Chapter 4
Steady beeps echoed in his head. They were very soft, however, and didn't disturb him much.
Everything else was silent, and there was only darkness around him. He felt so calm and safe. For once, he felt safe. No thoughts interrupted him, no feelings were in the way. He could sleep.
After some time, he didn't know how long; in his dark world there were no trivialities like time, a scent reached him. The scent of stale air. It didn't bother him, though, so he simply slept on.
The beeps suddenly grew stronger, and was no longer a soft echo within him. They soon started to annoy him, and he started to wish that he could hold his ears and block the sound out.
His body, which had been floating on nothing, suddenly felt heavy. It was like someone had striped several weights on his limbs. The weights drew him downwards, and the darkness started to dissipate from raven black to dark grey, lighting by the minute.
He fought against it; he wanted to stay in the nothingness where nothing reached him. Stay where the world and the truth didn't matter.
Feelings suddenly reached him; fear and uncertainty. He didn't want it. He wanted to remain aloof, and never have to feel again.
He fought even more to stay in the darkness, but it seemed like the more he fought, the faster he fell.
After having fallen for a while, other things started to reached him. Images and colours floated through his sight, but so far away and blurry that he couldn't make them out. Not like he wanted to; he wanted to come back to the nothingness. But the weight on him was stronger than his will.
Then, he stopped falling.
Steady beeps were now heard just next to him. He felt something soft underneath him; a bed he realized. The air was still stale around him. Something rested gently over his mouth and nose, and soft puffs of air hit his dry lips, that were half open.
A thought reached him. "Who am I?"
The answer was immediate. "I am Ryou Bakura. I'm sixteen years old. I used to live in England, and then me and my father moved to Japan after my mother died. I live in Domino, in a large house with my father. Father is in Egypt, digging after treasures."
Ryou felt every breath he took. It hurt to breath, he noted; his lungs ached terribly. His entire body ached, actually. Especially his head and lungs. His stomach was empty, but he wasn't hungry. Actually, it felt like he didn't need to eat ever again. His mouth was terribly dry. He was thirsty. And the stale air didn't help that fact at all. But he just couldn't get rid of the air.
A new question reached him. "Where am I?"
This time, he wasn't provided with any answer.
Ryou tried to open his eyes. All he managed was to make his eyelids flutter slightly. They were heavy, and so was his head. And the rest of his body felt paralysed.
"Am I dying?" Ryou asked himself.
"No", he then answered himself immediately. "I'm starting to live again."
Seeing that Ryou couldn't open his eyes, he thought it best to continue sleeping for another little while. Everything around him started to fade; the sounds, the feelings, emotions…
He fell back into darkness and the nothingness. He barely noticed it when the beeping became distant again. Soft clouds seemed to surround him, and protected him. Once again, everything slipped away and he became happily unknowing about everything.
This time, however, the serene nothingness didn't last for more than a few minutes. He fell back down into his body again, and felt everything again.
The pain from his head, and lungs. The small puffs of stale air against his lips. Soft cascades of hair that rested around his face. And the soft bed underneath him. But everything wasn't the same.
Before, Ryou could just barely make out the feel of fabric against his skin; now he felt it all. The soft clothes that rested against his skin, the sheets that were quite stiff beneath his unmoving fingers. And the plastic cup that rested on the area around his mouth and nose.
Ryou started to slowly open his eyes again. And this time he managed to open them half way. He saw a glimpse of a white ceiling above him, before his eyes fell together again. Even such a small action made him feel dreadfully tired…
Anger started to boil within him; anger over his own weakness. He wanted to open his eyes, and he would. No weakness or fatigue could stop him...
It was like something within his head burst, and he was thrown out of his body again, back into the nothingness. But this time, Ryou fought against the pull. And it worked. He was back before he knew it. Fighting the darkness was much easier than fighting the light.
Again, Ryou opened his eyes half way. The ceiling was still there; white and stale. Bright light from a lamp made him close his eyes briefly again.
The question he had asked himself earlier came back again; "Where am I?"
"A hospital." The soft beeps told Ryou that he was in a hospital, and had a machine stuck to him. Probably something that had helped him breath properly. But why would he need something to breath?
It all came back to him in one, giant wave of memories. The way Bakura had spoken to him, and slapped him. Saying that he was worthless. Breaking his heart once and for all.
The sleeping pills in his pocket. Heaven.
The school bathroom. Empty. Deserted.
The sleeping pills. White, the colour of innocence.
When he took the pills and swallowed over half the tin. Tasteless death.
The spinning of the room, and then...nothing. After the pills, Ryou remembered nothing. Darkness.
Ryou's heart started to ache. "Why didn't I die? What happened? Did someone save me? But...who would..."
"About time you woke up."
Ryou flinched at the rough voice that was very familiar, and turned his head to the side to see the one that had spoken.
Bakura sat next to the bed, on an uncomfortable looking chair. His already spiky hair was messy, and hung around his tanned face, that for the moment was quite pale. He looked thin and worn, and the clothes hung slightly on his body.
The brown eyes, however, had not changed since Ryou last saw them. They were cold, and void of emotions, though black circles surrounded them. Bakura looked almost dead.
Was it Bakura who had found him? Seen him so desperately vulnerable…weak…just as he had always said.
Shame flooded Ryou, and he looked away. "I'm sorry..." He whispered, so softly that it was almost not heard.
A snort was heard from the man next to him.
"Sorry? For what? For trying to kill yourself?" Bakura's voice was cold and hard, making Ryou shiver in slight fear.
"No..." Ryou smiled sadly, and shook his head slightly. "...for not succeeding."
Only one second after the answer was out, Bakura was up on his feet. He grabbed Ryou's chin and pulled his face to himself. The brown eyes now glowed with anger, making Ryou cower slightly. That look, Ryou recognized as the one always followed by a thorough beating.
"Don't you ever say something like that again, Ryou." Bakura hissed, and then released his chin to sit down again.
Ryou blinked. The grip Bakura had had on his chin still hurt slightly; a dull ache compared to the sharp pain in his chest. "Bakura..."
"Why, Ryou?" Bakura suddenly asked, interrupting Ryou in mid sentence. He glared at the boy on the bed. "That's all I want to know. Why did you do something so fucking stupid like trying to kill yourself?!"
In his heart, Ryou felt a sting of pain at Bakura's harsh words. Nothing had changed...Bakura still hated him, still thought of him as useless. Maybe even more so now, after not even being able to kill himself properly. Ryou looked away again, and blinked away the tears that had started to form in his eyes.
"I...I thought..." The smaller boy bit his lip and whispered. "I thought you'd be happy..."
Silence followed his words for a minute.
Then Bakura exploded.
"Happy?!" He roared, and flew up once again. This time, he grabbed Ryou's shoulders and pulled him up so he sat, face turned towards him. "You think that your death would bring me happiness?! Ra, Ryou, you are more stupid than I thought!" Bakura kept screaming at him, and shook his shoulders to make sure that Ryou understood how serious he was.
Ryou whimpered at the pain in his shoulders, and the over-extension on his body. "B-Bakura, p-please..." A wave of dizziness hit Ryou, and black dots started to dance across his eyes. He closed his eyes tightly to rid himself of them, but they remained even under his eyelids.
"Please...stop..." The darkness, the nothingness, started to pull on him again, and surround him. And he couldn't fight against it...didn't want to fight against it…wouldn't…
Bakura, however, didn't notice the struggle going on inside Ryou. Nor did he notice how empty the boy's eyes were starting to become, or how his body started to slump in his hold.
What he did notice was when the door was slammed open, and a doctor grabbed him and roughly ripped his hands away from Ryou's thin shoulders. Ryou fell limply back on the pillows and his eyes fell closed again.
The doctor, a strong and usually calm brunet named Li, shoved Bakura away from Ryou and sat down on the side of the bed. He got out a small flashlight, opened one of Ryou's eyelids, and shone into the revealed eye. The pupil didn't constrict, and Li groaned. Then he pulled back the oxygen mask over Ryou's mouth and nose. He turned to Bakura, who still sat on the floor.
Green eyes flashed dangerously at him. Li looked absolutely furious; not a usual expression for him.
"That was absolutely the last straw, Bakura! I have had patience with you, and your rude behaviour towards my staff. But this!" He gestured to the unconscious boy on the bed. "Attacking my patients! Ryou had just woken up from his coma, and you might have tossed him right back into it! Two weeks, I must say, is enough of a coma for one person!"
Bakura glared at the doctor, and got up from the floor. "It wasn't my fault he got into the first one, Li! That, he caused all by himself! How could you give him sleeping pills, if there was a risk of him trying to kill himself! If I hadn't been in school that day, he could have been dead!"
"I told you about the risks of giving Ryou sleeping pills." Li said, suddenly calm. "I told you he was fragile, and I told you he was depressed. And I told you to go easy on him, and not say or do anything that could upset him, or make him depressed. Obviously, you didn't follow my orders. What exactly did you do?" The doctor crossed his arms over his white clad chest, waiting for an answer.
A flash of guilt ran through Bakura's eyes, and he sat down on a chair. Suddenly, he didn't look half as cocky as he usually did, and his shoulders slumped slightly.
"I...I think I might have...hinted that I wouldn't mind if he disappeared..." He swallowed the lump that suddenly had formed in his throat.
That day, when he slapped Ryou, was still very clear in his mind. The hurt expression in Ryou's eyes, and the way Ryou had told him to kill him...God, why hadn't he caught on?! It was really…all his fault…
For the first time in 5000 years, Bakura actually felt guilty.
A deep sigh brought Bakura back to reality, making him look up. Li held one hand over his eyes, lightly pinching the bridge of his nose.
"You damned moron." Was all Li said, before turning back to Ryou on the bed. "Next time he wakes up, if he does, you had better be gentle towards him, Bakura. If not, I'll throw you out. With my foot in your ass as a souvenir." And Li left, after checking the values on Ryou.
Bakura sighed, and looked back at the unconscious on the bed. Ryou's face was so pale that it matched with his long, silver hair perfectly. The brown eyes, that Bakura had longed to see in two weeks, were now closed again and didn't make any signs of opening again.
Why had he done that to Ryou? Right when he opened his eyes, and looked up at the ceiling, Bakura's heart had almost stopped. The brown eyes that had looked confused, and unfocused until they closed again. When Bakura understood that Ryou had finally woken up from his coma, he had been the happiest person alive. And how did he show that? By yelling at Ryou again, and sending him back into the coma. What a great person he was...
With another sigh, Bakura took Ryou's hand in his. It was pale, and almost disappeared in his tanned one. It was heartbreakingly cold. He caressed it's backside with his thumb, and looked at Ryou's calm face.
"Wake up soon, damn you." He muttered lowly. "I want to apologize as soon as possible, so I can get back to my life again."
Dark. It was dark again.
Silence. Not a single sound interrupted his sleep.
Safe. No harm could reach him in the darkness's fathom.
Relaxed. Everything was serene within him.
Then, the pull came again. It had come and gone a few times, but he had managed to fight it off. He had tried to keep it away; he wanted to stay. Fighting against the pull, it disappeared the next second.
Then, it came back, twice as strong. And this time, he could not fight it.
Ryou felt it all again; the pain, and the soft bed underneath him. He heard the beeps from the machine next to him.
But it was different somehow.
A light pressure was added to his hand; a pressure that made him feel weird. It was warm...and...safe, somehow. Even safer than the silent darkness. Gentle strokes played on the back of his hand, and also on his palm, tickling slightly. Slowly, Ryou moved his hand, and squeezed the warmth gently in response.
The movements haltered altogether, and Ryou felt a stab in his heart. He wanted it to continue, to chase away that lingering fear from his heart.
"Ryou? Are you awake?" A low and hesitant voice asked.
"...y...yes..." Ryou whispered, and slowly opened his eyes again to look up into a pair of dark brown ones.
Bakura looked at him silently, not revealing one emotion, and then moved his gaze to the side. It unnerved Ryou, and he fidgeted slightly. What would Bakura do now? Would he yell at him again, call him an idiot? Hit him? Ryou mentally cringed at that thought.
"...Ryou?" Bakura suddenly muttered, not once shifting his gaze.
Hearing his name spoken in a gentle question, made Ryou shiver slightly. "Y-Yes? W-What is it, B-Bakura?" He stuttered, closing his eyes. Here it came, he would get yelled at now...
"...huh?" Ryou said, blinking once. The quickly muttered sentence hadn't made any sense to him at all.
At once, Bakura's head snapped up, and he glared forcefully at him. "You seriously need me to say that again?! It's hard enough as it is, you know!"
Ryou flinched and tried to shift away from the seemingly furious spirit. But, seeing that he was too weak, he stayed in the same spot as earlier. Fear entered his eyes, and he whimpered slightly, afraid that Bakura would hurt him again.
A regretful look entered Bakura's eyes, and he reached out for Ryou's face. "Oh, crap...no, no, no, it wasn't supposed to sound like that...fuck, I have no idea of what I'm saying..." Bakura sighed. "Look, Ryou..." Gently, he touched Ryou's cheek.
When Ryou flinched and tensed at his touch, Bakura pulled back his hand again, a flash of hurt passing through his eyes. "Ryou, I was saying...that...I'm sorry." The last part was said quietly, but still audible for Ryou.
Surprise was clearly evident in Ryou's brown eyes. "Y...You're...sorry? F-For what?"
"For what?!" Bakura snorted angrily. "What kind of a question is that? I'm sorry for everything I've done to you ever since I met you. I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you, intentionally and not. Okay? Isn't that enough?" He huffed, and crossed his arms. And…was that a pout?
Ryou blinked. Then, a smile graced his lips; the first true smile that had graced his lips in many years.
"...thank you, Bakura." It was no more than a weak whisper, but it still made Bakura's heart warm up.
"...b-but...I...I don't know if I can...f-forgive you...just yet." That, however, made Bakura's heart stop.
"W-What?!" He rose so quickly that the chair he sat on fell over behind him. The glare he sent in Ryou's way was so heated that it could have set the room aflame. Bakura's entire body shook with barely restrained emotions.
Ryou flinched, and cowered back into his pillow. For a moment, he was sure that Bakura was going to hit him. He was positive.
The angry moment only lasted for a few seconds.
Bakura fell to his knees by Ryou's bed, and then rested his head against the madras. His whole body shivered slightly, as if hit by a chilling gust of wind.
"...why not?" The question was slightly muffled by the covers that Bakura had against his face, but still so piercingly clear in the all too silent room.
With a sigh, Ryou looked at Bakura with saddened eyes.
"You hurt me, Bakura. Very, very much. You have made me cry more times than I can count, and you have hit me too...though, that didn't hurt much...compared to those words you said to me...that day...a-and I don't think I can forgive you that easily-" He didn't get any further.
Bakura flew up from his kneeling position, and suddenly sat on top of Ryou, not touching him at all. He was straddling his waist without touching him, one knee on each side of the thin body. His hands rested beside Ryou's head, and his face was only one inch from Ryou's.
"Then tell me...how can I make you forgive me, my light?" Bakura whispered softly, his breath ghosting over Ryou's face. His eyes was filled with determination, but also a pleading look. "Just tell me how. I can make it."
Ryou felt fear once again bloom within him, and he shivered slightly underneath Bakura. "I...I don't know..."
He had to move. If Bakura didn't get off him…Ryou was sure he'd start crying. Bakura sitting on top of him made so many bad memories replay within his mind; all of the beatings, all of that mental abuse he had put him through…he had to move!
Ryou released a small, pained whimper between his tightly pressed together lips.
At seeing the fear in Ryou's eyes, Bakura frowned. "What if I promise...promise to never hurt you again? That I always will be careful." Gently, Bakura caressed Ryou's cheek. "See...I can do that..."
"Bakura..." Ryou whispered, and shook slightly. It was uncomfortable for him to get touched...it was too soon. But, the gentleness of Bakura, the rare emotional caring he was showing right now...Ryou didn't want it to end, he wanted the light touch to remain for eternity, and beyond. But…
…he couldn't let it.
Hurt entered Bakura's eyes, and he slowly pulled back his hand from Ryou's cheek. His body shivered slightly, and he took long, deep breaths. A sudden revelation filled his mind, and Bakura slowly raised his eyes to meet Ryou's.
"...Ryou, would you be happy if I left you?" The question was spoken softly, hesitatingly. "…because, I can do that. If you want."
Ryou was silent for a few moments. Then he closed his eyes tightly, tears escaping the corners of them. He shook his head violently. "...no…I want you to stay, Bakura…but... at the same time…I do want to be alone…just for a little while..."
Silence rested over the room for a few seconds, minus the machines beeping on next to them. Then the shuffling sheets was heard, and weight left the bed.
"Alright...I'll leave…so, uh...bye then." Close to silent steps. A door opening and closing quietly. Then only silence and buzzing machines.
It wasn't until ten seconds later Ryou opened his eyes. They were filled with tears, that prayed to be let out.
The room was empty. Bakura had indeed left.
It was for the best. Ryou knew this. And it didn't have to be forever. He knew that too. But that didn't make the pain in his heart less, and it didn't make the feeling of loneliness any less bitter.
If it had been a fairytale, and he had been a fairytale princess, he knew that he would have let Bakura stay, no matter how much he had hurt him. Bakura would have carried him away to a white horse, and they would have ridden away into the sunset. They would have been living together forever, happily ever after.
But this wasn't a fairytale. This was real life. And in real life, there were no easy, fluffy happy-endings. There would not be a forever, or happily ever after. Because that was not how the world worked.
With time, maybe the suffocating fear of Bakura would lessen in his heart enough for him not to flinch away when he was touched. Maybe he would be able to let the former Tomb Robber back into his life. Or maybe, he would simply forget Bakura, and move on to someone less dangerous.
A soft snort escaped Ryou at that last thought. There would never be anyone else in his heart. No one could ever replace Bakura. Because Bakura would always be his most precious person.
"I guess it's true what they say…" Ryou whispered into the night. "…it's always the ones we love that hurts us the most…"
Large, wet tears rolled down his cheeks, and Ryou bit his lower lip to keep the sobs in.
It didn't help.The End
…okay, I guess all Tendershipping fangirls wants to kill me right now. But let me explain myself first!
You see, I've read too many BxR angst fics that contains Bakura hurting Ryou, Ryou trying to kill himself, and Bakura instantly falling in love, confessing that fact and the two of them lives happily ever after. For once, I wanted to write something that ends differently.
Because…well, Bakura has hurt Ryou a lot. He has scared him, done horrible things to him, and, in my fic at least, beat him. I don't think that one tiny confession would make Ryou go all heart eyed, and jump into his arms to forgive him.
No, forgiveness is something you earn with time and patience, not something you can get instantly. And that, I guess, is the main thing I'm trying to prove in this fic.
…yeah, that was a lot of explaining. And I'm sure all fangirls still wants to kill me.
Well, for future fics, I think I'll stay put with humour. Because writing angst is, to quote the true words of Shikamaru, troublesome.
So yeah. Feel free to review, people! I am dying to know what you all thought of this fic! (if you ask nicely, I might even write a small, fluffy epilogue! )
So…thanks all of you who have reviewed so far! I love you all to death and beyond!
-The Blonde Midget