I some times forget that you are gone. When I wake up in the nights, I say your name and reach over to your side of the bed.
But it always hits me, like a punch in the stomach. Like someone pored ice-cold water all over me. Like someone placed a mountain on my chest.
You are gone.
What had Cyborg said? That you're DNA had always been unstable, and they just fell apart. Liquidated you. Made you in to a puddle in my arms.
You were the first titan to die, and your funeral was a big event. A media circus. Titans from all over the world. Just to honour you. You would have loved it.
But I hated it. Hated the camera taking pictures of me when I was so broken down. Hated the reporters Robin and Cyborg had to fight of. I still remember the one they didn't get. A middle-aged man, loosing his hair, managed to sneak past the security and the other titans, shoved a camera in my face and asked me how I was doing.
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to send him down to hell, and let him rot there. But I just looked at him with my deadpan look and said I had just lost my husband, and asked him how he thought I felt.
Robin was wonderful. Even thou he had lost a teammate and a dear friend he went to the press and said that he, Cyborg and Starfire would answer any questions, but to leave me alone to grief in peace. I never thanked him for that.
I pull your pillow against my face and smell it. It's vague, but your smell still lingers at it. I always said that when something started to smell like you it would never go away. Now I thank Azar that's true.
Oh Beast Boy. I can barely wake up in the mornings. How am I supposed to move on, to continue to live without you? Without your stupid jokes? Without wonderful smile? Without ever feeling your arms around me, ever again?
I have thought about killing myself. Every time I am in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on the top of the roof. I think they can see it in my eyes. It's funny. I have worked my entire life to not have anyone see my true feelings, but now that you are gone, I don't care. I just want it to be over.
But I hang on. I have to.
"Mommy, are you crying? Are you sad daddy's gone?"
She looks like me. Her skin is pale, almost grey, her hair is a light purple, and she has my form. But her eyes are yours. One clear sky blue, the other dark, grass green. Your eyes, before and after.
"Don't cry mommy."
Marie climbs up next to me. It always surprise me how much a six year old girl understands. She kisses me on my forehead, just like you used to do, before snuggling up against my chest.
If it hadn't been for her Beast Boy, I would have gone after you. If it hadn't been for her I would have taken the pills, or cut myself, or jumped of a rooftop. If it hadn't been for her, I never would have had the strength to get out of bed in the morning.
"Love you mommy."
"Love you too baby, and daddy loves you too."
So you see why we have to wait. Why I can't come to you right away. She is so much like you Beast Boy, and I know how much you loved us. But wait for me. For one day, when she is older and I know she will be okay, I will come. Just wait for me, my darling. Just wait.