Crossover: HL/SPN/House

For prompt: 002 Middles

Characters: Sam, Dean, Methos, House, Wilson

Summary: the fifth time Methos needed help for Sam.

A/N: fifth in the "5 times House didn't cure Methos series"

A/N2: my first go at writing screenplay-style! Let me know if it's any good.

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Fade in:

INt. house's apartment continuous – late evening

HOUSE sits playing something gentle on the piano when there is a FRANTIC KNOCK at the door. He considers the sound for a moment while he pops a pill in his mouth then grabs his CANE from where it is leaning against the bookshelf behind him and hobbles to the door.

He opens the door to see DEAN and ADAM (METHOS) supporting SAM, who is obviously in a lot of pain.

HOUSE

(in an answer-machine tone)

Sorry I'm not in right now…

He goes to shut the door with the tip of his cane. Adam puts a hand out to stop him.

Adam

We need your help.

house

I guessed that, but I don't want to help, hence trying to shut the door.

dean

Sam's hurt.

house

So go to a hospital.

He tries to shut the door again, but Dean pushes passed him into the apartment dragging a groaning Sam in with him. Adam follows more sedately.

adam

He's also Immortal.

(sighing and closing the front door behind himself)

The witch doctor we were chasing punched right into his belly. Sam healed fine, but there must be something in there because he's still in pain.

house

(incredulous)

Since when do you hunt witch doctors with these two idiots?

Adam

(shrugging)

Sounded like a good idea at the time. So are you going to help?

Dean is taking Sam towards the kitchen. House and Adam follow slowly.

house

Why don't you just do it? Surgery on an Immortal has got to be the easiest thing in the world: you could go in covered to the elbows in manure with a buzz saw and as long as you stay below the neck you know he'll be fine.

dean

Dude, you're talking about my brother!

House

(throwing a commiserating glance at Adam)

So you were going to do it but this guy got his protective streak going?

Adam

(smirking)

Something like that.

kitchen

House looks between Adam and the brothers. Dean leaves Sam to lean against the counter while he hurriedly clears the island in the middle of the floor of clutter. When he's done he helps Sam to lie down on the moderately clean surface, but his little brother is too tall and his lower legs dangle over the side. Sam GROANS loudly, clutching at Dean. Dean looks imploringly at House.

house

(sighing in resignation)

Fine.

He limps over to the side and pulls a large carving knife out of a block.

Stick this in his heart while I get my things.

dean

What?!

house

What? Trust me you don't want him to feel what I'm about to do.

living room

House makes his way to a bookcase, hooking a small set of steps with his cane and pulling it over. He makes his way up the two steps only with a great deal of pain, but finds what he is looking for on top of the shelf – a METAL BOX - and brings it down with him.

kitchen

Dean has the knife in his hand ready to stab Sam, but has paused. We hear House continuing to move about the rest of the apartment before he enters the kitchen once again carrying the metal box and some towels in one arm.

house

I thought I told you to stick that knife in his chest.

Dean

…I can't…

House

Unless you want him screaming in agony while I root around in his guts you will kill your little brother!

Dean freezes, the knife hovering over Sam's chest.

Sam

(hoarsely)

Come on Dean! You've gotta do it!

There is a tense pause while we wait for Dean to move, broken suddenly by Adam.

Adam

Oh for God's sake!

Adam snatches the knife from Dean and plunges it into Sam in one fluid movement. Sam gurgles a few times and is still. Dean looks on horrified.

House

(smiling)

Now for the really fun part!

House limps over and puts the things he had been carrying on the side with difficulty. He hooks his cane on the edge of the island and starts arranging the towels around Sam, kicking some into place on the floor below his dangling sneakered feet. He opens the metal box to reveal a selection of basic surgical equipment.

house

(to Dean)

Now you, keep that knife in deep unless you want him waking up.

House snaps on a pair of surgical gloves.

dean

I thought you weren't worried about infection.

house

I'm not, but I don't particularly want to get blood and bowel under my nails either. I just had a manicure.

(to Adam)

Get the kid's clothes out of the way, will you?

Adam man-handles Sam, pulling his t-shirt and shirt up and his jeans down as far down as they will go without undoing them. House takes up a scalpel.

House

Right, here we go.

House proceeds to cut into Sam's belly, blood welling up to coat the towels but with no heart beat the flow only continues when House moves something.

He's in Sam's guts up passed the length of the gloves, but is working like a practised surgeon despite his comment about the buzz saw earlier. After a while he pulls out something like a tiny burnt stick-figure's hand with a pair of forceps/retractor/other medical implement.

House

Got it!

Adam quickly grabs a bowl from the dirty dishes on the side and House gratefully drops the offending article into it. Adam examines what House has found.

adam

Wait. This isn't all of it.

(leaning over to show House)

See? The thumb has a claw on it and that finger there has part of one…

house

So I'm looking for another three and a half claws. Great. You know this would be a lot easier if he didn't keep trying to heal over my hands too.

House goes back to Sam's open bowels and after a minute pulls out a claw and drops it in the bowl. Dean pushes the knife deeper into his brother's chest with a distasteful look on his face.

A KNOCK can be heard at the front door. When no one responds there comes a voice.

Wilson (v.o.)

House? You there?

House

Ignore him. Ah!

He drops another claw into the bowl.

There is a RATTLING at the front door as Wilson lets himself in with his key.

Living room

Wilson enters through the front door and shuts it behind himself.

Wilson

House I know you're here. Your motorcycle's outside.

Kitchen

Dean turns to House in surprise.

dean

That's yours?

House

Is this really the time?

Wilson comes to the door of the kitchen and Dean and Adam try to block the view of the dead body on the counter but it's not possible. House removes another claw.

Wilson

House what are you doing?!

house

Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate.

Wilson darts round Adam and Dean and moves closer to the scene, where he finally sees exactly what is going on. He gapes in horror.

wilson

My god House…you've finally snapped…

house

No I haven't…

wilson

You're doing surgery on a dead man House!! I'm calling the police.

Adam has him in a half nelson before he can get anywhere near the phone.

adam

I think had better stick around for a bit.

Wilson struggles, but can't get free.

Tell me you're almost done Greg.

house

I can't find this last bit…

wilson

What do you think is going to happen when you're done House? Even you can't bring people back from the dead!

House

I know I can't, but these guys…

A little longer and House has it, pulling it out triumphantly before dropping it in the bowl with the rest.

house

That should be all of it.

dean

Should be?

house

He's the one that got a voodoo fetish punched into his stomach. Why can't you two just get stabbed like normal people?

House looks down at the wound as he removes his gloves.

house

There he goes.

The wound starts to heal rapidly and Dean moves to take out the knife.

House

Not yet. When he wakes up I want to know that any pain is because I missed something, not because he's not done healing yet.

(to Adam)

He heals even faster than you.

Adam

Sam is…different. Even for an Immortal.

House looks back at the wound. It's all closed up, but he feels Sam's belly to make sure it's healed inside as well.

house

OK, take it out.

Dean jumps to pull the knife out of Sam's chest. Nothing happens.

wilson

House you've got to have realised he's not coming…

There's a sharp intake of breath from Sam suddenly and he flops around on the counter for a minute, coughing and spluttering.

Dean

Sammy, you ok?

House

Hey Gigantor! Any pain in your gut?

Sam takes a moment to focus on what's going on as he sits up.

Sam

Huh? No, no I'm fine.

House

Good, that means I got all of it.

Dean

You sure you're alright?

House

Of course he's alright!

House winces as he takes his cane and hobbles slowly to a nearby stool. He's been stood up in one position longer than his leg can really take. He rubs where the muscle used to be as he sits down.

Wilson is numb with shock and Adam warily lets go of him to join his companions.

adam

(to Sam)

Next time move faster.

Dean grins at his brother getting chastised by his teacher.

Adam

(to Dean)

And next time one of the two of us gets hurt I'm not driving to find a doctor! I'll kill Sam every day if I have to to get it into your head that he can't die! Now let's go. Thanks Greg.

House

No problem.

Adam and House know they'll see each other again even if it's not for ten years. Adam, Dean and Sam leave.

wilson

He woke up…

house

Yup.

wilson

(accusingly)

You knew he was going to wake up…

house

Yup.

wilson

You knew Immortals existed and you didn't tell me.

house

I guess so.

Sam pops his head round the door smiling apologetically at Wilson and snatching the bowl with the fetish pieces in it from the counter. He leaves and there is the SOUND of the front door slamming shut.

There is a pause before…

Wilson

"Voodoo fetish"?