The Great Landscaping Crisis
Or what would happen if someone ever actually taught Naruto Bunshin Daibakuha.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.
"Hokage-sama... here are today's bills."
Tsunade sat at her desk, wishing that those chuunin would just leave her be, and stop bringing in stack upon stack of paper for her to sign.
"Sigh... So what was destroyed today?"
Tsunade began to shift through all the papers in the stack in front of her, sorting at the regular bills (electricity, water, and the like) from the... irregular bills.
"Let's see... we have four training grounds that have to be completely re-sodded and evened out... that's a D-Rank mission for some genin. They just have to remove all the signs of explosions, and it'll be fine.
"Hmmm, the two stalls directly next to Ichiraku's Ramen Stand have both mysteriously exploded... again. I think the Akamichi's will finally just sell them to Teuchi, as this is probably the fourth time this has happened in the last month.
"We lost a bridge, which will need some supplies from Wave to rebuild, so that's a C-Rank mission there...
"...Damnit! Hasn't Kakashi learned his lesson NOT to train by the Hero's Memorial? That's the third time we'll have to replace it this year!"
"Actually, Hokage-sama, I think Kakashi prefers to train there for that very reason... Each time it's been rebuilt, Uchiha Obito's name has appeared on it in even larger writing. This last time, it took up the whole south side of it."
"Grrr... And finally, the apartment building immediately adjacent to the one Naruto-kun lives in suffered some form of spontaneous combustion."
"Actually, Hokage-sama, if you look in your petition stack, it seems that Naruto immediately afterward put in a petition to have it changed to a park."
"Goddamn it! This is why Sarutobi-sensei never let Naruto learn that stupid exploding clone trick! He makes so goddamn many that he just blows EVERYTHING the hell up when he's training!"
"Hokage-sama! You must come outside immediately! It seems as if someone is trying to blow some kind of hole in the Hokage monument! Either that, or etch in some... new... face."
"SOMEONE GET OUT THERE AND STOP NARUTO ALREADY!"
Two Weeks Later: Naruto on a Mission
"Ya know, I've been wondering why lately we haven't had a single mission inside of Konoha. You got any clue, Sakura-chan?"
At the sound of Naruto's voice, Sakura twitched. As Naruto looked at her, she twitched again. She pretty much had a subconscious reaction to flee whenever Naruto did anything these days. She didn't want to explode. That's what happened to half the things that talked to Naruto. Or rather, half the Naruto's people talked to lately tended to explode.
Naruto could make the clones... but it's not like his control was spectacular yet.
They tended to explode a lot more then he wanted them to. Not like that was all that terrible, as his opponents never expected them to explode, either.
And he learned how incredibly awesome and useful explosions could be.
"Uh, I have no idea Naruto. None at all."
"I think it has to do with how, uh, awesome you are, Naruto. Though we're going to suspend training near the Hero's Memorial, as I think their latest version should be preserved."
'The middle third of the whole thing... Obito, you'd be so proud.'
"If ya say so, Kakashi-sensei. Well, we're in Lightning now... might as well get on with the missions."
"... Rookie, I need you to run back and radio headquarters. And I need you to do it right now."
A Lightning ANBU squad was observing the border, as part of their assigned area.
The captain of the squadron was holding a telescope in his hands and a bingo book in his lap.
And he was terrified.
"Uh, Captain? What do I say to them?"
"... Rookie, look through the telescope at the people who just crossed the border."
"... Holy crap, is that Sharingan Kakashi?? What on earth is he doing here?"
"Not him, dumbass. Kakashi is a fairly lazy guy these days, doesn't cause much trouble. No, look to his right, at the... the... DEMON he has with him."
"The blonde kid? What's so terrible about some blonde kid? Hell, he's even younger then me. How can he be more dangerous then an ex-ANBU captain?"
At this, the other 2 ANBU members had taken out their bingo books, and had both paled dramatically.
They looked up the kid that was being described... and they were scared.
"... Rookie, I'll let that one slide, because you're new. Take a look at this entry."
After quickly reading the page, the newest ANBU also whitened.
"You mean... that... THAT's Konoha's Living Bomb? Their Pock Maker? Their Walking Explosion?"
"And if we head them off now... Kumogakure might just survive their presence."
"Oh, I don't think you'll have anything to worry about... not anymore."
"What the- gurrk!"
As the now-dead ANBU captain fell to the floor, the other three panicked, trying to find out what happened. Before they could really react, they too all fell dead, necks cleanly cut.
"... Itachi, there is no way you can justify this kind of thing to the Leader. You're protecting him, for God's sake! How many times do I have to tell you the bingo book doesn't say 'Pocky Maker'?"
"Kisame, are you insinuating something about my eyesight? Because the last person who said there was something wrong with my eyesight died. Eye's stabbed out and everything. Do you want to risk that kind of thing happening to you?"
"... No, Itachi."
"Then we continue to ensure that Konoha's 'Pocky Maker' is allowed to work in peace, don't we?"
One Month Later
"Oh God Oh God Oh God Gotta Run Gotta Run!!!!"
That was the general sentiment of Konoha on this fine Saturday, as vocalized by Haruno Sakura. And the reason everyone who understood the sheer horror of the current situation was running...
"Why is everyone running away? I'd have thought people would have loved to come an art exhibit?""
...Was because Deidara's traveling art show had come to town.
After dealing with Uzumaki 'The One Man Demolition Team' Naruto for the past few months, the people of Konoha had become rather sensitive to explosions. Some ninjas had even taken it as their civic duty to post 'signs of the apocalypse' up for civilians to understand when they were well and truly fucked.
Right up there at number 3 was 'Uzumaki Naruto meeting Deidara'. (Incidentally, number 2 was Jiraiya swearing off porn, and number 1 was Tsunade running out of alcohol).
To be fair, the only reason Deidara (with his special assistant Tobi) had even come to Konoha and set up an exhibit was to meet this new 'Truly Gifted Artist' (Read: Munitions Expert) he had been hearing about. A secondary reason, also the official one, was to find out what exactly had happened to Itachi and Kisame (who had not reported in for two weeks).
"Deidara-sempai, why is everyone running away screaming?"
"Some people cannot appreciate true art... but here comes our man, yeah."
As Naruto began browsing the various clay sculptures that Deidara had set up, Deidara approached him.
"Well, hello there. You look to be a connoisseur of Art... tell me, what do YOU consider Art to be?"
Naruto, who had never given art any real thought, scratched his head.
"Uh, I dunno. Pretty stuff to look at?"
"Well, have you done anything artistic you could think a comparison to?"
"Hmm... Well, there was that time that I blew a picture of my face onto the Hokage Monument. I'd call THAT art!"
'So, explosions that give a permanent result... that sounds too much like what Sasori would want, even if it does involve beautiful explosions. Might as well question him further.'
"So, you like explosions, yeah? I happen to enjoy explosions a lot, myself. Do you have a preferred method of exploding things?"
While Naruto began to respond, a general evacuation order of Konoha was given over mega speaker.
Civilians were fleeing as if their asses were on fire. Ninjas were preparing a defensive perimeter (those who remained, that is) around the 'exhibit', preparing multiple firebreaks, bomb shelters, and other means of insuring that as much of Konoha as possible could survive the conversation of the two Exploding Ninjas.
"Blowing things up? The only way that I ever blow things up is using Bunshin Daibakuha... Why, is that art, or something?"
'Hey, maybe on top of being a kick ass ninja, I might be an artist, too? That's pretty cool!'
Deidara smiled. Naruto had just given him the perfect set-up for, well, blowing shit up.
"Yes... actually, that's EXACTLY what I would consider art. Perhaps you could demonstrate for me, yeah?"
'He uses Bunshin Daibakuha to blow stuff up? That's so inefficient... Bunshin Daibakuha requires Kage Bunshins, and no one could ever make them in sufficient... numbers... holy crap that's a lot of clones!'
In point of fact, Naruto had created 50 clones.
In an art show run by Deidara.
Where everything was made out of clay.
Deidara's EXPLODING clay.
"Uh, Deidara-sempai... Tobi thinks its time to run..."
"Hmm, you might have a point. A bird's eye view might be even better."
With that, Deidara and Tobi leapt onto a nearby clay bird, which quickly rose into the air.
At the same time, Naruto began causing his clones to explode.
The clay began to ignite.
This caused more of his clones to explode.
Which caused MORE clay to explode.
Which, consequently, caused more of KONOHA to explode.
As Naruto quickly began to flee, with explosions following behind him creating a scene not unlike that of Mission Impossible, an errant piece of debris smacked Naruto in the back of the head, knocking him out.
Just as the explosions were about to catch up to Naruto, Itachi swooped down from out of nowhere and picked him up.
Naruto woke up five minutes later, on top of his own apartment building, wondering what the fuck had just happened.
Meanwhile, Tobi, Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame were having their own meeting in a nearby forest.
"You're crazy! Both of you are batshit crazy! Why on earth would you want to encourage Itachi even more, Deidara? I KNOW you can read the entry just fine, and nowhere does it say anything about him making pocky!"
"Kisame, do I have to tell you again about what happened to the last person who insulted my eye-sight?"
"Well, regardless of him being the man responsible for all the pock marks in Konoha, or all the Pocky Making, I say that he must be allowed to continue, yeah. In the name of explosions...or Pocky, whatever."
"At least someone sees reason around here. Tell the Leader that we will maintain our observation over the Jinchuriki. He does not need to know that we have no intentions of capturing him."
"Yeah... about that. Actually, Tobi and I decided that we would join you in your observations of the Jinchuriki... for the good of Akatsuki, of course, yeah."
"So, how much was actually destroyed, and how much did we manage to save?"
"Well, it looks like the only thing destroyed, besides the square where the exhibit took place (How on Earth did an enemy missing-nin manage to secure a permit to have an art-exhibit in the middle of Konoha, anyway?), the only thing that was destroyed was the...
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE UCHIHA SECTOR WAS BLOWN UP!?!!?!?
"WHO ON EARTH WOULD HAVE THE GALL TO DESTROY THE ANCESTRAL HOME OF THE UCHIHA?"
Two Months Later
"Now Naruto, remember to be on your guard. Just because we haven't heard anything from Akatsuki lately doesn't mean that they're gone. Go join up with Kakashi and Sakura, and head out on your mission."
Naruto left the Hokage's office, a place he'd been spending a lot of time of late. After the Deidara incident, Tsunade decided that if Naruto was gonna cause that much paperwork, he better damn well be ready to fill it out himself.
Well, actually, Naruto hadn't gotten the mission because he had earned his way out of doing paperwork. It's because he'd create bunshins to go train while he did the work (because Tsunade could see through any tricks he tried to play). Being Naruto, he'd over do it, and the civilians were complaining about 'wandering explosive demons' so much that Tsunade finally gave in and stopped trying to get Naruto to do work for her.
'But finally, I have a mission out again! And Akatsuki haven't shown their faces in so long... this will go down without a problem. Even if I'm still not allowed to take missions in Fire Country...'
"I don't know where the hell they are, but you better find the missing members, and get their asses back here ASAP."
Akatsuki was down four members, leaving behind the Leader, his blue-haired friend, Zetsu, Hidan, and Kakuzu.
'Hidan and Kakuzu had better find the others, or there'll be hell to pay!'
"So we're looking for the others, Kakuzu?"
"Sort of, Hidan. It has recently come to my attention that the insurance rates in Konoha have sky-rocketed. You may or may not pay attention to when I do business, but I happen to own a rather large ninja-insurance company. Incidentally, that's what lets us destroy so much stuff and have other people pay for it."
"I'd always wondered about that..."
"Indeed. Anyway, I've recently found out that all the rising prices are due to a single nin, and I want to investigate him to see if I can sell... 'Naruto' Insurance."
"Naruto? As in Uzumaki Naruto? The 'Living Weapon of Mass Destruction'?"
"I have to meet him! He recently took the title of 'Most kills in the shortest amount of time' from Deidara! He'd be a worthy worshiper of Jashin, if I could convert him..."
"Yup! Nothing can go wrong this mission! We're only going to Suna, right? We could even go visit Gaara!"
Sakura twitched. 'It's bad enough that I can't even tell when he's about to explode anymore... now he wants to go visit an even bigger psycho? Why won't Tsunade-sama ever grow a heart and pull me from this team? It's not like I do anything, anyway... Naruto just blows everyone up!'
"Calm yourself, Naruto. We DO have a lengthy trip ahead of us, to deliver these documents to the Kazekage." Kakashi said.
'It makes ya wonder, though, why Tsunade would entrust OUR team with an important document... she's gotta know that it'll be blown up at least once...'
"So, they're heading out of town? Finally, I can get Naruto-kun alone and ask him where the secret Pocky Factories of Konoha are..."
"Look, Itachi... there are no... fuck it. Just fuck it."
"Did you say something, Kisame?"
"No. No, I didn't."
"...Ok. Deidara, go on and scout ahead, and tell us when they are in a likely spot for ambush. Tobi and Kisame will distract the girl and Kakashi. We'll speak to Naruto-kun."
"We have tree climbing. We have water walking. Why the hell do we not have sand walking?"
"Well, Sakura-chan, if ya want an easier route of passage, I just learned that glass is only melted sand..."
"Naruto, I am NOT walking on a glass road. If you can't tell why that's a terrible, terrible idea, you should go ahead and do it for yourself."
"Well, maybe I will! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
Immediately, with reflexes honed from constant hours of working with a literal time bomb, Kakashi and Sakura dived out of the way.
Of course, that was also the exact moment that Deidara decided to give the signal to attack.
"What the hell? Where did Akatsuki come from?"
"It's nothing personal, Kakashi... I just like keeping my eyes in their sockets. Tobi, go take care of the girl."
"Aye aye, Cap'n Fishy!"
"DAMNIT, DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
Deidara and Itachi made their move just as Naruto began creating his glass road to Sunagakure.
"What the hell? It's that crazy art guy and Sasuke's brother! What are you doing here?"
"Hold, Naruto-kun... we aren't here to fight. We just have some questions for you."
"Yeah... nothing dangerous. Though that IS a marvelous glass road you just created."
"Thanks! I thought it was-"
Just as Naruto was about to explain how awesome he thought the idea of creating roads through explosions was the final two guests arrived.
"Itachi? Deidara? What the hell is going on?"
"... So, the Leader sent you and Hidan after us, yeah? Well, you can't make us go back!"
Naruto stepped back, attempting to make his escape. Unfortunately that just drew everyone's attention back to him.
"Hello, Mr. Uzumaki. You probably don't know who I am. My name is Kakuzu, and I happen to run the largest Ninja Insurance agency in the elemental countries. I was just wondering if you had considered consenting to having policies based around you?"
"Oohh, that's a high honor, yeah! Seeing my name for the first time on a generic insurance form was one of the happiest moments of my life! It meant that I was world renown for mass destruction!"
"Uh... what? You wanna put my name on forms for mass destruction?"
"... Sort of."
"And I'll become world-renown?"
"You're crazy! Where did you get that pot and spoon, and why the hell are you attacking me with them? TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, DAMNIT!" (1)
"Tobi is a good boy! A good boy!"
"So, uh... does that mean we're done and I can go? I gotta finish this road for Sakura-chan!"
"Wait a moment, Uzumaki Naruto."
A new voice spoke up, causing Naruto to turn to the only person who hadn't said a word yet. He had spent most of his time kneeling, head bowed.
"Tell me, Uzumaki Naruto... have you ever considered taking Jashin into your life?"
"Kisame, why the heck are we even fighting right now? I mean, not only are we in a desert, which weakens all your water jutsus... but I can see Naruto right over there, talking to all the other Akatsuki members. What the hell is going on?"
"I don't know about Hidan and Kakuzu... but Deidara and Itachi have gone crazy."
"... Imagine that, Uchiha Itachi being crazy. Such a huuuuuuge stretch of the imagination."
"He thinks that Naruto's bingo book entry reads "Pocky Maker" of Konoha, and therefore has been guarding him for the last four months. He's saved his life on 5 separate occasions now. And every time I try to correct him, he threatens to stab out my eyes. We spend our days observing Naruto, trying to catch him making pocky. So far, he has 'evaded us'"
"... Ok, that's a little crazier then I imagined. So, uh, what exactly is going on over there?"
"You don't want to know."
"Hidan, where the hell did you get that ridiculous shirt and tie?"
Sometime during his spiel about the worship of Jashin, Kakuzu had noticed that Hidan had removed the customary Akatsuki cloak. Under it, he seemed to be wearing a pair of black slacks, a short-sleeved white button down shirt, and a tie. (2)
"Be quiet, Kakuzu, I'm trying to save Uzumaki's eternal soul!"
"Well, hurry up with it... it seems that Sand-nin are on the way, with their Kazekage out front, yeah," Deidara reported. He had taken to the sky for a brief scouting trip, and had just returned.
"If that's the case, we don't have time for a full discussion. Here, take this book... we'll talk further when next we meet."
With that, Hidan handed a book to Naruto, entitled 'The Bible Abridged- Edited down to only the really good smitings.'
Unfortunately, the Naruto they had been speaking to wasn't actually the real Naruto.
The real Naruto had fled the scene the second Hidan and Kakuzu had shown up, replacing himself in Itachi and Deidara's moment of distraction with a clone.
He had sunk into the sand, and began producing clones down below, spacing them out around the group, while he himself moved further away.
He hadn't heard a word of what was going on up top, and wouldn't know that he was needlessly attacking them until AFTER the attack began, and he gained the knowledge of the clone talking to them.
All the Akatsuki knew was that the second Hidan handed his book over to Naruto, Naruto's form flickered, and destabilized into an explosion.
This caused Deidara's clay bird to explode.
It also caused all the Kage Bunshins Naruto had created underground in the immediate area to explode, too.
Unfortunately, it was at this exact moment that the Sand Cavalry arrived.
Running across (and to Sakura's later anger, on top of) the sand, straight for where Naruto was.
Into a minefield.
A minefield that was in the process of blowing itself up.
The Akatsuki, being as powerful as they were, escaped with only minor injuries.
Gaara, leading the charge, managed to avoid getting hurt at all. He's got super sand, don't ya know?
But the Suna Chuunin and Jounin he brought with him?
They didn't fair so well.
Even though most didn't die, the memory of the sheer shock and terror on their faces brings a tear to Hidan's eye to this day.
"So, Tsunade-sama, Gaara had no choice but to ban Naruto from ever using any form of ninjutsu within a 20 mile radius of Sunagakure."
"Sigh... another place that I can't send Naruto to anymore."
"Kakuzu, you do realize that we can't let you tell the Leader what we are up to?"
"Don't worry... we intend to stay observing Uzumaki Naruto ourselves. He's my business investment now, after all."
"So one of them wanted your permission to be used on insurance forms, and the other tried to convert you?"
"Yeah, Ero-sennin... the Akatsuki just keeps on getting weirder and weirder.
Two Weeks Later
"Kakashi... you're telling me that one of Konoha's most notorious missing-nins has not only been in Konoha for the last couple months, but has also been guarding Naruto... the person he's been tasked to KIDNAP?"
"So I was told, yes."
"And he's doing it because he believes that Naruto is responsible for all the Pocky Making in Konoha?"
"Kisame looked pretty honest when he said it."
"... You know what we have to do, don't you?"
"Hokage-sama, I have no clue. I stopped trying to make sense of Naruto's life a while ago."
"We lie our asses off, Kakashi… We lie our asses off."
"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, Granny Tsunade... what are ya both doing here?"
"Naruto, we feel its time you learn something about your, uh, family. Come with us."
As Tsunade and Kakashi led Naruto away from his apartment, Itachi put down his spyglass.
'Could it be? I must follow!'
"Come, Kisame! Perhaps this might be the day that Naruto-kun finally leads us to the Secret Pocky Factories of Konoha."
"... I hate my life."
"Junk, junk, bill, hey, what's this?"
Haruno Sakura was leafing through her mail for the day, when she came across something she hadn't expected.
"Hmm, it's not the first of the month... why is the insurance company sending me a letter?
"... Oh thank God! Finally! I don't care how much it costs... I'm buying as much 'Naruto Insurance' as I can!"
"Well, it looks like the Akamachis finally sold one of their stalls next to us... but not to us? Few people, only the bravest, come anywhere near our stall anymore (though Naruto still keeps us going)...
"Ah, well... we might as well welcome in our new neighbors. Ayame-chan, why don't you go bring over this complimentary meal to the new people next door.
"I've never heard of this 'First Church of Jashin', before, though. They must be some new religion."
"You see, Naruto, I was just, uh, looking through the Sandaime's secret papers, and there was some, uh, information about your mother."
"My mom? You know who she was?"
"Well, not really. The Third, for whatever reason, made sure that your parent's names were never recorded. However, we did find out that she used to make Pocky. Found some old recipes and everything."
'I hope he buys it, I hope he buys it; please God just let him buy it. I don't want to know what'll happen if he decides that he hates Pocky, or something. Itachi will become even crazier then he already is if he doesn't... but if he does, perhaps we'll be able to permanently neutralize the threat of Uchiha Itachi!'
"She made Pocky, huh?"
"Yeah, from a long line of Pocky Makers... or something like that. Here, this is from one of her 'secret recipes."
"Itachi, how long are we gonna sit here watching him? Am I never allowed to do anything productive anymore?"
Itachi turned away from the scene to address Kisame. He was too far away to hear what they were saying, but with his telescope he could see what was going on.
"Hush, Kisame... we're right at the verge of a discovery!"
While his back was turned, Itachi missed seeing Tsunade hand Naruto the pocky. All he saw when he turned back, Naruto holding the few sticks.
As Itachi stared, wide-eyed, Kisame tried to make Itachi see reason.
"Look, Itachi, I know you really, really like Pocky. I understand you have some kind of fetish for it, and I'm not judging you. We all have our eccentricities... Deidara blows stuff up, Tobi... yeah, Tobi's weird. But this whole Pocky thing has gone too far! It's gotta stop someti-"
Itachi interrupted Kisame's rant by shoving the telescope into his hands.
And Kisame looked, and saw Naruto holding several sticks of Pocky, looking for all the world as if he was judging them. He even took a bite.
"I hate the world. The entire goddamn world."
"Zetsu... you're the only person I have left to spare. For reasons which will probably never be mentioned, I can't send out the other member. It's up to you to find the others, and bring everyone back."
"Raikage-sama, are you sure this is a good idea? You remember what happened the last time we tried to do something to a Konoha ninja in Konoha..."
"He poses too much of a threat. Uzumaki 'The Time Bomb' Naruto must be eliminated, for the good of the world! Send out the teams... 30 people sounds like a good number to me."
"This is because you just got your revised insurance form, isn't it."
"I refuse to pay Naruto insurance! My premiums are already too high as it is! He must be eliminated!"
"... You're applying for a job here? You do realize that all we do here at Yamanaka Flowers is, well, sell flowers, right?"
"Deidara-sempai said Tobi needed to get a job, so Tobi is getting a job!"
"... Do you know anything at all about flowers?"
"Tobi can learn! Tobi's a good boy!"
'Well, if I hire him, maybe I can get some more free time to train. Plus, I've been hearing some pretty cool things about Naruto lately... something about him being really dangerous. Everyone knows that dangerous men are the most attractive ones!'
"Ok, you're hired! Uh, do you ever take off that mask, by the way?"
"Well, if my mom would have wanted it... I guess I'll learn how to make Pocky. It's no ramen, but it's pretty good."
'Whew. Thank God he fell for that. And since we chose the office with the biggest windows, I'm sure Itachi saw it. Now we can only pray he falls for it. Though I have to wonder WHY Sarutobi-sensei had those Pocky Recipes hidden away in his secret books.'
Unbeknownst to Tsunade... she had actually been speaking the entire truth. Naruto was descended from the premier Pocky Makers of Konoha.
Naruto had finally been reunited with his heritage.
And the only one who would ever know this was considered to be 'batshit crazy' by all his peers.
Which he was, to be fair. But Uchiha Itachi was a genius amongst geniuses, and had an undying faith in his own correctness. Which just happened to pan out now.
"For the crime of destroying my ancestral family home, Uzumaki Naruto must be punished! Orochimaru-sama, you MUST allow me to send out some men to punish him!"
'Well, I DO have some extra men, and Sasuke has been harping about this for weeks now. Maybe I'll just send them out; hopefully he'll shut up about this."
"Fine, Sasuke. Fine. I'll send out Squads 13-20 to, um, 'Punish Uzumaki Naruto'."
'Though I can't tell them who their target is, or they'll ALL desert the second they're out of my sight...'
"Kakashi-sensei, I'm gonna go train by myself out over in the woods. I think people will bother me less over there!
"Besides, what could possibly go wrong when I'm by myself out in the woods?"
'All we know is that all of our men disappeared around Konoha, so I might as well start my search there.
'Though there seem to be a lot of people all heading over in those woods... I might as well check it out.'
Zetsu continued his search for the missing missing-nin, unaware of what he was about to stumble upon...
"There he is, men! ATTACK BEFORE HE EXPLODES!"
"There's the guy that matches Sasuke-sama's description! ATTACK!"
"Well, I might as well start training. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
"There's gonna be some pretty explosions over here soon, yeah."
"Just make sure nothing happens to him, Deidara. Kisame and I just received unassailable proof of Naruto's Pocky Making heritage."
Deidara, surprised, looked over at Kisame.
Kisame just hung his head in shame
"Tobi thinks that getting her roses will make her forgive you!"
"Hmm, ok, thanks, I'll take your advice."
Ino walked over to where Tobi completed yet another sale.
"Wow, Tobi... I thought you said you didn't know anything about flowers."
"Tobi knows lots of things, Ino-sempai!"
"Heh heh heh... I knew this was a good idea! Everyone in Konoha has bought the deluxe 'Naruto Insurance' plan! Now, I just have to make sure that he doesn't actually ever fight in Konoha proper ever again..."
"Our Father Jashin, who Art in Hell, Hallowed be thy name. We bring before you more sacrifices, to be slaughtered in your honor..."
"Dad... I don't think this new church is the kind of thing we want to involve ourselves in..."
"What'd you say, Ayame-chan? I was too busy listening to the pastor... he's got such an inspiring voice!"
Naruto, as was customary for when he trained, created 100 clones.
There were (emphasis on 'were') 30 Kumo-nin.
There were 8 Squads of Oto-nin, totaling 32.
Naruto did the same thing that he always did when he was surprised after making clones: He lost control, and his clones began to blow up.
The enemy ninja did the same thing that most people do when confronted with massive amounts of exploding clones: They exploded.
'Holy crap, did someone just lay out a feast, all for me? There's gotta be like 60 ninja here!'
At least someone enjoyed the attack.
"So, you say you were assaulted by 60 or so enemy ninja?"
"But there's no sign of them, because a giant man eating plant-thing came up from the ground and started to eat them all."
"That's total bullshit, Naruto."
One Week Later
"Orochimaru-sama, it seems as if the men we sent after Sasuke-kun's target were all eliminated."
"Don't let Sasuke know about it, Kabuto. He'll just start yelling again."
Unfortunately for Orochimaru, it was at that exact moment that Sasuke came in.
Fortunately, though, he hadn't heard a word they were saying.
Unfortunately (again), though, was what Sasuke was thinking about that caused him to miss what the two were saying.
"Orochimaru! I've just received word from our spies that Itachi has been sighted repeatedly in the Konoha area! We have to go over their and kill him! Though we'll have to make a pit stop to kill Naruto before going after him, so I can have the Mangekyo..."
"Sasuke... I don't think you're quite ready to take on Itachi yet-"
"If you don't let me go kill him now, I'll make sure I'm nowhere near you whenever you need a new body. But if you DO let me go kill him, I'll be sure to be available."
"... Sasuke... you do realize- fine, screw it. Myself and Kabuto will join you, to ensure your success."
'And to make sure you don't get yourself killed...'
"Well, that was a good day of training! I'll just stop on at home to take a quick shower, before going on over to Ichiraku's for dinner."
As Naruto reached his apartment building, he noticed something rather... odd... next to it.
'Well, I AM happy that my request to have a park put in the empty lot... I wonder who put up all those beautiful statues in it?'
"This is the perfect place for me to build my sculptures! It's close enough that I can keep a close watch on Naruto, while still being able to perfect my art, yeah!
"Though I do wonder why every building in a half-mile radius around Naruto's building has been abandoned..."
"Well, it's not like it's dangerous. Maybe I'll train in there sometime?
"Oh, and I gotta remember to apologize to Sakura... she still seemed rather upset about that whole 'Glass Road' incident... But what to get her... I'll figure it out after some dinner!"
"Father... lately, I've been rather disturbed at how involved with this new Church you've become. I mean, there's something clearly, well, EVIL about it. All it ever talks about is killing people! You've never killed a person in your whole life... why start now?"
Ayame approached her father, who was seated, reading. He was also dressed rather similarly to the way that Hidan had when he attempted to convert Naruto: Black slacks, white short sleeve button-down shirt, and a tie.
"Oh, hi there, Ayame-chan. I wasn't paying attention... I was reading the Good Book. You should read that "Sodom and Gomorra" chapter... it'll teach you that going out to your 'young-folk' clubs will cause Jashin to rain down hellfire upon you."
"... You see? That's what I'm talking about, Dad. It's just not normal-"
"Anyway, Ayame-chan, we have to reopen shop, soon. It's about time that Naruto usually shows up. Hop to it, I'll go get the stove on."
"… Yes, Dad."
"So you've bought an office in Konoha now, Kakuzu?"
"Yeah, Hidan. Right now, Konoha is where I'm making all of my money, so it pays to make sure they feel like I'm giving them good customer service."
"You do realize, though, that if Naruto DOES destroy anything, you'll end up owing lots of people LOTS of money."
"Preventing Naruto from destroying the town is the other reason I've got to stay close to Konoha, yes."
"Whew, training took a lot out of me... but it was nothing that 30 bowls of Ramen couldn't fix. Though there was something weird about the way that old man Ichiraku was dressed... But at least Ayame-chan came up with the idea for me to buy Sakura flowers!
"Every girl loves flowers, right?"
"Tobi thinks you should give her Honeysuckle's, as those represent bonds of love."
"You really think so?"
"Tobi knows so."
"Thanks... you've been such a good help."
Every time she saw him work, Ino still had to stop and stare.
'How does he know all of this stuff? It took me years to learn all this, and he said he knew nothing about flowers when he came here!'
With Tobi on the job, Ino was able to train three times as much as she used to, doing whatever physical things she could behind the store, and the rest of the time reading scrolls.
However, when she heard the scream of terror, and looked to see the aforementioned customer running for his life down the street, Ino decided whatever was going was worth looking into.
Her curiosity was soon satisfied, as she saw a mildly soot-covered Naruto (even showering and changing clothes wasn't enough to get rid of the signs of explosions from him, these days) enter her store.
'It's Naruto! I dunno what Sakura has been complaining about... I thought she understood the importance of a sense of danger in a man?'
Just as Ino was about to say something to Naruto, Naruto brushed right past her and went up to Tobi.
"Hey, I remember you! You were that crazy masked guy with that weird art guy! You sell flowers now?"
"Tobi is a good flower seller boy!"
Ino attempted to speak up here, to ask Naruto if he needed any 'help'.
Naruto completely missed it.
"Well, I'm looking to buy some flower for Sakura-chan. She's been upset with me, and I wanna make it up to her."
"Itachi, do you really have to watch Naruto ALL the time?"
"One can never guess when he'll stop whatever he's doing and make some pocky. And when he does, I'll be there to snatch some up, to enjoy the bliss that is Konoha's premier Pocky."
"Itachi... that's... why do I have to be with you when we do this? Why can't I go do something else?"
"Are you saying you don't like Pocky? Because the last person who told me that they didn't like Pocky had their eyes stabbed out. With sticks of Pocky. You don't want that to happen to you, do you?"
"...Can't I like Pocky, and NOT stalk Naruto?"
'I've never seen Ino get so worked up before... I mean, Tobi was just helping me pick out flowers. Why did she have to get all huffy? Just because Tobi corrected her on which flower meant 'I'm sorry'...
"Now to find Sakura-chan!"
Four hours later-
"Where on earth is Sakura-chan? It almost seems like she's avoiding me...
"Well, I might as well check out those cool new statues that were in the park next to my building..."
"Now, Sasuke... we'll lay in wait for Naruto by his apartment, and ambush him when he comes in. Itachi should show up soon afterwards, so be prepared."
"Orochimaru-sama, Naruto appears to be heading to a park nearby his building... it's rather secluded, a perfect spot for ambushes..."
"Dad? Dad? Where the heck did he get to? Last I saw him, he had gone off somewhere with that crazy pastor of his... something about 'initiating him into the religion.'
"This can't end well..."
"Hey, these statues look familiar... I wonder where I've seen this material before?"
As Naruto wandered around the park, Orochimaru, Sasuke, and Kabuto waited in ambush.
When Naruto wondered aloud about the statues, though, it caused Kabuto to look around, and REALLY stare at the statues.
Then realize who exactly had made them.
"Orochimaru-sama... I think we have a problem."
Unfortunately, in his effort to get Orochimaru's attention, Kabuto accidentally stepped on an errant twig. The snapping noise alerted Naruto to their presence.
"Whose there? Show yourselves!"
'Well, if surprise is lost, we might as well reveal ourselves.'
With that thought, Orochimaru jumped out from behind a tree, with Sasuke popping up from a nearby bush and Kabuto appearing behind Orochimaru.
"What the hell? What are you guys doing here?"
Naruto was surprised. However, in recent times, Naruto had ingrained into himself a reaction, for whenever he was surprised.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
"Oh, crap." Staring down 100 Naruto's, Kabuto decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and fled.
As Orochimaru turned to find out where the hell Kabuto was running to, Sasuke launched an attack at the nearest clone. Sasuke hadn't believed that Naruto's exploding clones could be that dangerous, and decided to take Naruto out as quick as possible.
Unfortunately, his target happened to be a clone.
An exploding clone.
In a park filled with statues made by Deidara. Therefore, a park filled with statues whose main purpose was to explode.
Sasuke never stood a chance.
As Sasuke's smoking body smacked back into the ground, Orochimaru stumbled out of the park-which was now just full of smoke-into the street.
"Pastor, I think I found the one."
"Yes, my son. He could work very well."
"Damnit! Why :cough: didn't Kabuto tell me those were Deidara statues? I think I broke my :cough: leg."
"Yes, he will work very nicely."
"Hidan? What the hell are you doing here?"
"I am merely guiding a neophyte into the worship of Jashin."
"But :cough: doesn't that require... human... sacrifice?"
"Yes, Orochimaru. Yes it does."
"Now, Teuchi-san, you take his heart, and..."
"Crap! Crap! When did Deidara fill that park with statues? He KNEW that I needed to ensure no destruction happened to Konoha! He's just lucky that no one lives anywhere near Naruto anymore. For just this reason, probably..."
As Kakuzu raged in his office, someone knocked on his door, and entered.
"Ah, so you're Kakuzu, are you? I have a proposition for you..."
"...The Hokage? What on earth do you want, Tsunade?"
"So, you finally recovered Sasuke?"
"Yeah, though he's a little broken at the moment."
"And that old ramen guy used Orochimaru as a ritual sacrifice to enter himself into some kind of devil-worshiping cult?"
"Yeah, that was pretty damn weird."
"And Kakuzu, a former enemy missing-nin, was named to some kind of civil defense post, centered solely on making sure you don't destroy more of the city?"
"He was??? What are you talking about, Ero-sennin?"
"Uhh... nothing. Nothing at all."
"But at least all the bad guys are gone, right?"
Omake Omake Omake:
Or "What Ever Happened to Kabuto, anyway?"
'Gotta run gotta run! Don't wanna explode!'
Kabuto was running out of the park, into the woods outside of Konoha. He had gotten slightly singed from the explosion, but nothing really major.
"There he is! Get him!"
'Holy crap, some of the clones survived?'
Indeed, somehow a few of the Naruto's had avoided the massive explosion that had enveloped the park. And they had been ordered to chase down Kabuto.
They were aching to test out one of Naruto's latest jutsu attempts.
'Why is that clone carrying a jar filled with pebbles?'
'I'm hungry... there haven't been any feasts for me in a while. But there ARE some people running through the woods around here. And everyone who has run through here has ended up exploding, and been left for me to eat... Might as well follow.'
Zetsu was on the hunt.
"Stay away from me, clones! I don't wanna die!"
The clone holding the jar, filled to the brim with pebbles, lobbed it over at Kabuto.
Kabuto, stupidly, reached out to catch it.
And then one of the Naruto's shouted out the name for the attack.
"MUSHROOM CLOUD NO JUTSU!"
"That... that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, yeah. I must learn that technique!"
The Jar was actually a henge. So was the top of the Jar. In fact, every single one of the pebbles (all 87 of them) were henged Kage Bunshins as well.
It was essentially a hydrogen bomb being thrown at Kabuto.
It had created a clearing large enough to create another "Forest of Death" training ground.
And luckily for Kakuzu, no one other then Kabuto was hurt.
'Woah! I can smell the blood... but the only body part I can find is an arm.
'Well, a snack's a snack, I guess.'
Zetsu was sated...for now.
(1)- My personal mental picture of Tobi- http :// www. deviantart. com/ deviation/ 50358028?qo246&qTobi+&qhboost3Apopular+agesigma3A24h+agescale3A5
That should explain THAT (just remove all the spaces for the link).
(2)- The outfit consisting of black slacks, a short sleeved white button down shirt, and a tie is the only outfit I've EVER seen a Mormon wear when out trying to convert people on their bikes.
This was a one shot that spiraled out of control. Each time a length of time is mentioned is the start of a new snippet I had written.
The basic premise should be obvious: Too many people are quick to shout "Why hasn't anyone ever taught Naruto bunshin daibakuha (Great Clone Explosion)?"
In theory, it makes a lot of sense.
But in practice… not so much.