"I'm just saying," said James Potter as he trudged up the stairs with his best friend, Sirius Black, "there were four Beatles and there are four of us. I think this is fate."
"Alright, if we're going to be the Beatles, then I'm Paul!" Sirius proclaimed.
"No, wait! You can't be Paul! Paul's the pretty one! I'm supposed to be Paul!" James yelled.
"No, Paul's the pretty one and that's why I'm supposed to be Paul!" Sirius argued.
"No, I'm Paul!"
"Hey, why can't I be Paul?" asked their friend Remus Lupin, who had just caught up to them. James and Sirius looked him up and down before exchanging glances and shaking their heads.
"Sorry Moony," said Sirius, "you can't be Paul."
"You're George," James supplied. Remus was a bit upset at this.
"George?!" he repeated.
"You know, the strong silent type," said James. "Hard worker and all that."
"Some chicks really dig that," Sirius offered. Remus thought about this.
"Alright, I'm George," he agreed. "But Peter's Ringo."
"What?!" called Peter Pettigrew, wheezing up to where the boys now stood on a landing. "I'm not Ringo! If anything, I'm Paul!" The other three boys laughed at this.
"You can't be Paul," said Sirius. "I'm Paul."
"No, you're not!" James shrieked like a little girl.
"What's going on here?" asked Lily Evans, walking up to the four boys.
"Lily, am I Paul or John?" James asked desperately, turning to see her.
"He's John, I'm Paul, Moony's George and Wormtail's Ringo," Sirius told her.
"I'm not Ringo!" said Peter shrilly, but no one noticed him.
"I'm George because he's the strong, silent type that chicks really dig," Remus told her.
"And Padfoot's not Paul, I am!" James finished. Lily nodded in mock understanding, but was still very overwhelmed by the situation.
"Well," she started, "I agree with Sirius." James gasped and Sirius whooped. "James is John because he's the leader and he brought you all together."
"Wait, no," said Sirius, stopping his victory dance suddenly. "I'm the leader, I should be John."
"No," said James triumphantly. "An un-biased source has proclaimed that I am John. Sorry Paul!"
"Un-biased my foot! She's you're bloody girlfriend!" Sirius grumbled.
"Hey! I thought you wanted to be Paul!" Lily said.
"Whatever, Yoko," he said under his breath.
"How dare you!" she screamed, drawing out her wand.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said James, stepping between the two. "Tell you what, Padfoot, you can be John and I'll be Paul." He turned to Lily, "And then you're Linda, hmm? The Lovely Linda?" Lily glared at Sirius one more time (who stuck his tongue out at her) and lowered her wand.
"Fine. I'm Linda," she agreed ruefully.
"Now that we've got that all sorted out—" said Remus, who was cut off by Peter.
"No, we DON'T!" he yelled.
"Shut up Ringo," said Sirius as they entered the portrait hole.