"Link! Link, wake up. God, could the great Ganon really have been defeated by such a lazy boy?!"
Link rubber his eyes, yawned and slowly sat up. After saving the Triforce and being sent back to his own time he had gone back to his old passion in life: sleeping.
"Come on, out of bed you basted! I have something you need to see!"
"Fine, I'm getting up"
Link was just about to get up when he realized he had no idea who was talking to him. He looked up and found himself staring into a face just like his own, only jet black. Unfortunately, he was still pretty sleepy so his brain didn't immediately register what he was looking at.
"Ummm…. Do I know you from somewhere" he mumbled. Dark Link just glared at him.
"If you really forgot about me that fast I swear to god I will rip your spleen out and beat you to death with it!"
"Ummm….." Link did his best to remember, but too much sleep can make you a little stupid. He remembered that person… and it had something to so with a lot of water… and a temple of some sort… and breaking some curse or another now that he thought about it.
Dark Link watched Link's face go from sleepy to confused and finally to shocked. If he had of been videotaping all this, he was sure he could of pin-pointed the exact moment the light went on in Link's head.
Link sprang up and made a wild dash over to the corner where he had been stashing his sword and shied, but he still wasn't fully awake and ended up tripping over a chair. Dark Link couldn't help but laugh.
"What do you want?" came Link's voice. He was making an attempt to still sound menacing, but it wasn't really working since he was just a little, unarmed kid who was on the floor being crushed by a chair.
"Don't worry, I'm not here to kill you. I just really need to show you something"
Link finally managed to get himself untangled from the chair, and was now standing as tall as he could and glaring at his darker half.
"Well, couldn't you have come latter? It's not nice to wake people up at such an ungodly hour!"
"Firstly, I'm an evil you, so of course the things I do probably won't be nice. Secondly, it's 4 in the afternoon! I have been waiting for you to get off your lazy ass for hours! I don't even know how it's possible to sleep this long without a hell of a lot of opium!"
"Don't judge me! I had to do a lot of hard work killing your master….. and you, come to think of it…."
Dark Link sighed. He knew it would be hard talking to Link, but he still didn't expect this. Link's train of thought had already crashed again when he began to catch on to the continuality error Dark Link still existing should cause, so he was just staring blankly at a wall trying to make sense of all the random things floating around his brain.
"Look" Dark Link began in a desperate attempt to get to the point of all this "I'm here because I found something really disturbing I thought you should see"
Dark Link reached into his shadowy tunic and pulled out something that Link would have realized was a laptop if such a thing had of been invented yet.
"That isn't so disturbing" Link said as he looked at the little, portable computer.
"Just wait, it will be" Dark link said as he continued to type on the crazy device from the future "Ok, found it, Link, read this!"
Link sat down and started to read through the story Dark Link had brought up.
After reading the first page or so, Link had a sudden urge to either gouge his own eyes out or spew his lunch on the floor.
"What the hell is this!?!?"
"Its what is known as fanfiction" Dark Link said almost sadly. "In the future, people still know of your adventures, but they honor you by writing about you getting it on with other dudes"
Link could hardly believe it.
"How do you even know this?"
"Well, I'm like you, only the exact opposite. Your good, I'm evil. You can go back in time with your ocarina, I can go forwards."
Link started reading again. He couldn't help it. The whole thing was like a train wreck. You couldn't look away if you tried.
"Are they all like this?"
"Most of them, every once and a while someone takes pity on you and lets you get it on with Zelda or somthing, but 9 times out of 10 your doing me, Ganon or Sheik."
"Last time I checked, Sheik was Zelda. Isn't Zelda a chick?"
"Try telling that to fanfictions. Sheik has a dick in those stories just like everyone else that you get freaky with"
Link felt sick. Had he really done all that work just so people in the future could call him gay?
"I have, like, 6 different girls trying to jump my bone! Why do people still think I'm gay? What's wrong with the people who write these things?"
"Welcome to the Internet, my friend. It lets every crazy on earth come together to write stuff like this about every ancient hero that has ever existed."
Link was disgusted. It was like the entire future was plotting against him just because he had tried to save the world.
"What can we do about this?" Link asked his evil half.
"I don't know. I'm not to good at planning stuff out and strategizing things, so I just kind of assumed you would be"
Link sat down on his bed and tried to come up with some sort of clever solution to online fanfictions. His train of thought was back on it's tracks now, but it was still moving a little slowly and kept threatening to hit another penny and de-rail again.
"I've got it!" Link suddenly shouted, making Dark Link jump about a foot in shock. "We will write our own fanfictions, where I'm still straight and you're still dead and everyone is a lot happier!"
"You have the right idea, but there are hundreds of gay fics already out there, if not thousands. How do you expect to write enough to balance that out?"
"Umm… I'll hire on of those great fairies to write it for me! They all seem pretty perverted, and I'm sure they can use crazy magical powers to write a whole lot of stories at once. Then you bring them to the future and use them to make the internet stop spreading ugly rumors about me and we will all be happy" Link seemed so happy that he had a solution that he started babbling "then we will have a party to celebrate and I will have a crazy orgy during that party just to prove I'm not gay and then Navi will show up and she will be all like 'Hey Link' and I'll say 'Shut up Navi, I'm having an orgy here' but she won't go away because she never goes away. Did you know she told me you were dark me 37 times when I was trying to fight you? I kept telling her to shut up but she never will….."
Dark Link didn't know what to say to that. Link's monolog had moved on to how much he hated those plants that sell stuff and he had almost completely forgotten about the fanfiction problem.
"Well, I'm going to go get one of the great fairies to write stuff for us, bye." Dark Link said as he backed away slowly. Link didn't hear him since he was too busy saying all the stuff he really wished he had said during his adventure but never did in an attempt to be a silent hero
"..so then I whacked that Goron with a stick and I was all like 'Bad Goron, Bad Goron!' but the crazy thing is, the stick went right through him! He didn't even notice! I still don't know how that works! Maybe if I sleep on it I will figure it out. Yes, sleep now, thinking latter."
So Link went back to sleep and forgot this whole incident ever happened.
Dark Link tried to change online fanfictions, but failed against the might of the Fangirls. Realizing there was nothing he could do about it, he went back to sitting in a room waiting for someone to walk into it to kill him for the longshot. It may not be the most exiting job, but the pay is good and you get to meet lots of interesting people… then be killed by them.
Authors Notes: Well, I was bored so I wrote this. Don't like it? Feel free to review. The angrier the better, honestly. Keep in mind that it is now 4 in the morning and my caffeine high is coming down, so I really have no idea how coherent all of this has been.
Finally, I wasn't sure if this counted as a rated M thing or not, but I stuck it there just to be safe. I guess if it's not I can go back and edit it so it is latter.