In Waking Darkness
All I hear at first it the sound of me and Bobby walking
The sound of mud sucking greedily at out boots, yet the meal is constantly being torn from it's grasp.
Why am I talking about mud?
Why am I thinking about MUD?
My brothers missing. He's disappeared, like….5 metres from me. Right from under me.
By that Yellow Eyed Bastard, I'll bet.
I set my jaw, clench my teeth as the rain fouls my already foul mood.
Bobby casts me a worried glance.
Yeah, I'm scaring him.
None of my usual jokes, none of my usual tricks, none of my spark, my charisma, my bravado. No women, no booze, cars, cards or THOUGHT.
Just pure hunting instinct.
Pre hunting instinct
Nothing more, nothing less.
I am a Winchester after all.
It's in my blood. That raw instinct.
Protectiveness; however, is not.
That's in my heart.
Instilled from the first time I laid eyes on that tiny bundle named Sam.
Whenever something bad happens to Sam.
It fires up and roars through my veins instead of blood.
That's been going on for the past three days.
I haven't slept, but I'm not tired. I haven't eaten, but I'm not hungry. I haven't had a drink, but I'm not thirsty.
I'm worried. Afraid….Terrified….Petrified.
That something outta my control will happen to Sam.
I'll never say those words out loud.
But I hate loosing control. I loath the helplessness, it's…..infuriating.
Even as the anger and nail biting worry scorch its path through my brain, my eyes register the scene about me.
Awareness is second to protectiveness.
Gotta be aware to be protective.
My eyes sweep the scene, scanning for any abnormalities.
We're walking towards this rustic town. Abandoned. Everything left to rot.
Like something out of a horror film.
The rain pelting the already muddy slop called 'ground'
The darkness that seems to drip with malice…
The shadows reaching for your feet, calling to you, Whispering of a nameless, shapeless and formless fear.
The isolation is the only thing that has me worried; concerning the surroundings.
If something happens to Sam….god forbid….if he gets hurt…there isn't a hospital for miles around.
'Dean?' Bobby asks.
I can hear the fear as an undertone in his voice, the worry that's written on his face.
It makes me smirk.
I smirk, and nod. Simply acknowledging that I'm still conscious. I
Talking is for when I get Sammy back into the Impala. Then I'll talk until my lungs burst and everyone tells me to shut up.
I can feel a tingle in the air. The familiar presence. The familiar smell…like home. I can tell Sam is close. I can tell by my big brother instincts….those come in handy sometimes.
But most of the time….they're a pain in the ass.
We follow this muddy trail around a long, smooth bend to come to a main street.
Again, almost like a robot; my eyes scan for abnormalities in this abnormal place.
My scan registers something and an alarm goes off in my head.
There is one abnormality that is so normal to me, I feel like I was floating a foot off the ground.
A person…a tall person. With dark shaggy hair, standing with their back to me.
Oh…thank god….for once some things gone right!!
'SAM' I roar his name and it echoes. Eerily. It sends a shiver up and down my spine.
The figure responds by turning around slowly, looking up.
It's him….it's gotta be him.
Dad's eyes, Mom's face. That's my little brother right over there.
He looks cold, he looks hurt. He looks frightened.
I hate all of those things in Sam, but right now. They'll do.
I'll fix them as soon as he gets to me
I'll make him all better. God….that sounds a little queer….I don't care anymore.
He takes a few faltering steps towards me, a misplaced moonbeam falls across his face.
I can see a shadow of pain, but it's mixed with so much relief.
'Dean'he calls out. His voice is dripping with relief as am I.
We're both okay, after a three day scare. We're both alright.
I wonder why he's holding his arm like that?
'Sam' I sigh, we're barely twenty feet apart.
Oh god….this is gonna be a huge chick flick moment….and I'm gonna let it happen.
For those who do have some respect in me…look away now…right now….please.
I see the smile on his face, the spark in his eyes. In fact…I think he's gonna cry. He looks that happy.
Yeah…..Sammy. I was terrified you were dead too.
Sam's still moving towards me, at a painfully slow pace.
Thunder rumbles somewhere over head as I take another few steps towards the bitch of a brother.
Move your ass Sam….you're taking too long. This isn't a romp through the meadow of daisies You know….actually…Sammy might make it feel like that.
You know…one of them slow motion things…that make you wanna gag.
I hate em….can't stand them. Hell…I think I might puke after this. It's gonna be so sappy.
But it deserves to be, Sammy's okay. I'm okay….one chick flick moment can't hurt right? One?!
Don't look at me like that! I can be sensitive too! I'm not a bastard all the time….just…a lot of the time…
Truth be told….and it'll only be told to you….my arms are tingling with expectation to wrap themselves around my little brother's body.
I am gonna squeeze him until he begs to stop
I'll never let him go again.
But….there's movement behind Sam
I don't like movement
Then like out of a crime film, a dark figure looms up behind Sammy
I don't like dark figures
It grabs hold of Sam's shoulder.
I don't like humans
Sam suddenly gasps, his eyes widen with a sudden blast of fiery agony
Some things wrong….seriously wrong.
The moment is gone, that dreaded chick flick moment.
God….I wish it came back…
I scream, sounds like 'NO'
Maybe in denial of the broken moment, maybe to stop Sam's pain. Maybe just to try and cover the scream that smashed from me.
I know what's happened. I know Sam's in real trouble.
It was a knife straight into his back.
I really don't like knives.
I sprint across the slop of ground, moving as quick as I could to get to Sam. To stop this nightmare somehow.
The dark human figure with the movement still has the knife embedded in my little brother's back, holding him up.
He's pinned there, like a butterfly…with those sick butterfly collectors. Pins them somewhere, kills them and then put them in display cases.
Freaks, get a real hobby.
Have you noticed that this is everything I dislike….so this means that I really…really…REALLY don't like this situation.
Before I can get to Sam though, the figure slides the knife from my brother and Sam goes down.
He hits his knees with juddering force and he's head is tilted towards the sky. I can hear the low moan that he emits, he know that he's in real trouble too.
Then, he pitches forwards, he's gonna hit the muddy ground.
Not if I have anything to do with it.
I grab hold of him, grab his shirt. But he's lax; limp. He leans into me, taking no weight as his own
Why doesn't he have any strength?
I watch with wide eyes as his head lolls about, eyes glazed with so much pain that even I can feel it.
So I kneel in the mud with him and I place my hand on is back to steady him.
Instantly my hand touches something wet and my heart stops.
That ain't water. It's gooey and sticky and I can smell the Iron.
I have a look over his shoulder at me hand.
Crimson colours my hand to make me feel sick.
And it's spreading….faster than it shoulder.
I force myself to look into my little brother's ashen face.
He's pale….almost grey, his eyes are roaming around me, trying so hard to focus.
He must be in so much pain.
Suddenly he convulses in my arms and he chokes.
God….I don't like that sound
A small stream of crimson blood flows over his bottom lip and he goes limp again.
He can' breathe….HELL….I can't breathe.
But he finds a way, he drags in a gurgling breath.
Then forces it out in a short burst.
I can hear the blood blocking his throat.
I know that I have to do something….I have medical training. I have to save him.
But this is so far out of my reach….that I can't see it.
I sit there and do nothing….I stare at my ailing sibling like a DICKHEAD
So I do something.
Something I could win a medal at.
Something I do best
I talk to Sam, simply to re-assure him that I'm here and no one is going anywhere.
'Hey….hey' I manage.
Those two words make Sam's head jerk up slightly.
He can hear me, that's a good thing. He's not in shock. Good…good.
'Come here…come here. Let me look at ya' I say, false bravado intercepts the teary squeak and provides it with some backbone.
'Oh hey…look! It's no even that bad….alright? Sammy, it's not even that bad.' This time over compensating cheerfulness attacks the sentence.
But I'm rewarded…if you can call it that with another convulsion from Sam. His head jerks upwards and he releases a strangled cry, mixed with a gurgling whimper.
I've heard animals do that before….then they died.
Bad thought….bad thought! Shut up!! Shut up!!!
I'm loosing him.
No! I can't let him slip away. I have to fight for him.
Do it for Sam.
Cause Sam can't do it alone anymore.
'Sammy! Sam!! Hey….listen to me, we're gonna patch you up….okay? You'll be as good as new? Huh?' I say
It feels like I'm grasping at straws, I NEED him to pay attention. Or he'll…..he'll leave me…
His eyes pause on my face, his head rested on his shoulder, blooding still trickling from hi mouth and pouring from his back.
I have to re-assure him. Give him something that he can hold onto.
Do it for Sam.
Cause Sam can't do it alone anymore.
'I'm gonna take care of you! I gotcha' I whisper
Use the emotions to my advantage. Use his feminie emotions. It's gonna be me nursing him. It's gonna be me making sure he gets better. Not some skank of a nurse. Me….his big brother.
Sam's eyes slid closed and then open slightly again.
I can't help but notice that his breathing is getting slower and shallower.
'It's my job right? Watch after my pain in the ass little brother? Eh?' I say softly, grasping his face.
Damn he's cold. He probably can't feel it…can't feel anything.
Tears are beginning to well in my eyes, I don't Sam to see me cry.
But if he looks away, he might leave.
So I look back into his deep brown eyes that are barely open.
They are open just enough for me to see the spark of life; the light start to fade. I feel his shivering start to slow and I can no longer hear him breathing.
He's leaving me!
'Sam!' I yell, but the tears began to roll down my face
It succeeds in upsetting me further, not catching Sam's attention.
'Sam…..SAM!' I scream as the light in his eyes flickers, then dies completely.
He's gone totally limp and there's nothing; no colour in his face.
A feather light exhale curls past my ear.
The last to escape over his blue tinged lips.
Then; like that. Sammy's gone.
'No' I mutter.
As if words would bring Sammy back to me?
'No. No-n-n-n-no…..oh god…..oh god' I stutter.
Slowly I wrap my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in his neck.
Shock grips me as I grip Sam.
I heard that numbness is associated with death….but…..NO. Not right. There is no such thing….all I felt was every rip, every tear that shredded my heart into millions of pieces.
Hurt….hurt like hell too.
'SAM!!!' I scream, the words flowing with all the agony that I felt.
If only I was faster. If only I hadn't hesitated.
Maybe Sam wouldn't be like this.
I slowly unwrap myself from Sam and look into his dead eyes. So glazed and lifeless and dull. So wrong.
I reach up.. No longer can I bare to see Sam's eyes like that. I close them for him.
Do it for Sam.
Cause Sam can't do it alone anymore.
My hand moves on its own accord, caressing the cold face of my baby brother until it tangles it self in his long, soft, wet hair.
'Come I whimper as I bury my head in his neck.
The contact burns and aches so badly, but I crave it. I have to be near him. I have to have Sam near me.
If not his soul, then his body.
God….what I wouldn't have to have him buck in my arms again. But he won't ever move again.
Nor breathe, nor speak, nor cry, nor love.
Sam's dead and that's all.
Sam's dead and I failed.
I don't know hoe long I remained curled around Sam's freezing body in the mud.
Time eluded me, space eluded me. All I knew was the crushing loneliness that was bearing down on me.
It's Bobby. He suddenly reappeared. After all the 'fun and games' was over!
I let out an angry sob to express some of my angst.
Bobby bends down.
'Sam?' he asks.
Like he's gonna reply.
'He's dead' I snarl
I catch a glimpse of Bobby's face as the colour drains and his eyes moisten.
'Are you sure?'
'YES. I'm sure. I watched him DIE'
Don't give me that look! I'd just lost my little brother to the black abyss. I don't need stupid questions like that. Are you sure….what the HELL?
I know Bobby doesn't deserve it. He's probably the only person that I've got left, the closest thing to family I have left….Damn….that's a really depressing thought.
But that's me. I attack those I'm close to after a traumatic event.
After Mom's death: Dad
After Dad's death: Sam
After Sam's….passing: Bobby
Bobby seems to understand though. He simply nods and looks at Sam's pale face.
He doesn't look dead, he's just sleeping. He's pale and frozen….but…he's sleeping.
That's a nice thought. Sammy's only sleeping.
He'll wake up and everything will be fine.
Suddenly I'm snapping back to reality.
Bobby's trying to touch Sam.
I growl and shield him away from the hunter's hands.
'Dean' he begins.
'Don't' I snap
'We have to move him'
'Don't you fucking touch him' I swear
I'm not an angel. I'm twenty seven. I'm allowed to cuss. So wipe that look off your face…
Bobby sighs and put his hand on my forehead.
I don't flinch; can't bring myself to move, so the warm hand makes contact with my cold skin.
The contact with a living human brings me around slightly.
I've been in such a depressed state, I've lost track of everything.
Where I am, what's happening around me. Everything
'Please Dean. We can't let him stay here. He deserves better'
He's right. I know Sam deserves better. He deserves a hell of a lot more. Deserves to be asleep in a warm bed, not lying here dead.
So I resign myself and sob with a nod.
Bobby's arms invade my own world as he bundles Sam up. Unconsciously my grip slackens. Bobby then lifts my little brother's frame from me and he begins to carry him away.
I suddenly feel so cold. So isolated.
It was like Sam's body was giving me some comfort that maybe everything would be alright.
But now that it's gone. I know in my heart of hearts. I'm alone and there's nothing that's gonna change it.
I know that if I want this feeling to go away again and return the blissful denial, I have to get up and walk.
I have to move.
But I just can't bring myself to do it.
My legs are in grieving.
They won't listen.
Or is it that I don't wanna get up?
So I sit there, slumped over, listing to my right.
I'm without Sam.
And without Sam.
Nothing more than a shell of a man that's taken too much.
That's lost everything
It's almost like my soul left with Sam's
Like my heart stopped with Sam's
Like my lungs stopped with Sam's
But the tears haven't stopped.
They march down my face and drop from my jaw line to stain my soaking jeans.
They feel like acid, burning hot. Scorching my freezing skin.
There's squelching behind me, hailing Bobby's return.
'Come Dean' His tone is soft, understanding. Full of pity for the broken man on the ground.
I 'try' to get up again. But no….I can't.
I don't even move, I just sit and stare at the place where I last saw Sam. Where he was alive, not dead. Where I had caught him and soothed him.
I'm not thinking, not a thought. Haven't for a while.
Before I know it, Bobby's hauled me to my feet and has slung my arm around his shoulder.
I lean against him as he walks me to the Impala.
She's growling, mournfully.
'I'm sorry Dean. I really am sorry'
Huh! I thins the cars' talking to me.
I've lost it.
I know what Sam would say.
'you never had it in the first place Dean!'
Another stab of the guilty dagger right into the remains of my heart. That was a stupid thought, shut up brain. You're not needed anymore.
Anyway, I have lost it. Wouldn't make much difference.
Bobby slides me into the backseat of the Impala, next to Sam's limp form.
I look over, slowly and without hesitation.
He's wrapped in a blanket, half curled up.
He looks exactly like the time he caught a bad dose of the Flu and I had to drive him to Ellen for care.
He'd been wrapped in the same blanket, shivering, as pale as he is now. I remember having to stop for a while. I got too tired to drive. I climbed into the back seat with him and cradled him in my arms, shushing his whimpers and moans.
But that was then and this is now.
I pull him into my lap and begin to rock back and forth slightly.
We're both dirty as hell and Sam's bloody. But for once….I don't worry about my car.
Beyond me and Sam doesn't exist. Beyond the grey hue of Sam's skin, there is no colour. There is no thoughts beyond that of mourning. No happiness beyond grief. No sunrise to chase away the darkness that binds us, no life beyond death. No second beyond this. No justice for innocent victims.
We're moving I think. I don't wanna move, even if I'm in the car with Sammy.
Why do things have to continue. Why do things go on like nothing happened? Why does the world stop. Cause it should. Sammy deserves it. He deserves everything he ever wanted. Not this.
Not to be laying in my arms so cold and stiff and lifeless.
I feel the darkness tugging at my worn consciousness, I can feel it fraying my already tattered soul.
Oh god Sam.
Without you….what do I do? Without you….where do I turn.
You've been gone for under half an hour, I'm sure.
But already the world is nothing but darkness.
Slowly I brush a lazy strand of hair from his face.
I'll follow you one day Sam. I promise
I promise everyone, that I will follow him.
Die young, live free. Don't remember where its from.
Just remember it.
I'm gonna finish the job; kill the son-of-a-bitch that ruined Sam's life before it began.
I'll slaughter it, so help me god.
Then lay down and fall into the final dark sleep.
I'm more ever ready to dive into the abyss, the die. But right now I can't.
I'll do what I was raised to do.
Until it kills me.
And most of all
I rest my forehead against Sam's and kid myself of the lingering warmth, of the fluttering heartbeat; of the softest of breaths.
Just to calm me down.
Until I die
But until them; I let the darkness wash over me. I let it take me to a different time and a different place.
A time lost long ago.
When scraped knees and childish fears were the only things to cry about.
I don't like being an adult.
I never have.
So, I'll dream.
I'll let myself drift beck to a time where it was me and Sammy.
To a time when his warm hand was slipped through mine and a loving smile graced his tiny face.
Where nothing mattered.
When none of this happened.
I hear him.
' come on Dee-Dee. Lets play hide and seek. You're it!'
The giggles and the laughs.
Makes me smile.
I'm going to sleep now.
When I wake up.
Until I die.