I started this story a long time ago, but just now I figured out exactly how it will pan out, so the first and second chapters may end up sounding a little different just in terms of writing style and characerization. The first one was supposed to be really funny and I hope everyone likes it!


"FullMetal! There you are!" Roy gasped, his breath coming in hot bursts. He hated it when all the military cars were being used for something.

Ed looked up from slurping flat noodles at a sidewalk cafe, surprise written on his face.

"I can't believe you would ignore a summons from your commanding officer, you awful brat!"

Roy flushed in shame for a moment. He already knew he shouldn't have let his anger cause him to start name-calling. Especially not with the FullMetal Alchemist. Witty comments were often "out of reach" for the boy, but name-calling was where he excelled.

"So I'm a brat now, am I Colonel Turkey-Face?"

"Who are you calling turkey-face? I had to run all over East Central just trying to find you because you were FIVE. Hours. Late! And don't tell me you didn't get the message, because I personally directed Warrant Officer Falman to find you and Falman does not lie if he can't find you, and he said he did."

"I guess he thought I was awake," Ed said with the slightest undertone of regret flavoring his wondering expression. Roy sputtered.

"What's wrong, pigeon-butt? Hungry?" Ed held up a spoonful of hot noodles, steaming in the chilly day. Roy snapped, striding over to the blond boy and grabbing the hood of his red jacket.

"Time to go. Where's your brother?"

"Ack! Let go!" Ed was bodily pulled from his seat and hauled along by the colonel as he began heading back to HQ.

"Wait!" Ed yelled in frustration, "I didn't pay for the noodles!"

"Five hours, FullMetal. If you get taken to court for stealing, you can consider it a consequence of not following orders."

"I don' wanna follow orders," Ed sulked under his breath, but Roy actually found it laughable as it was obviously Ed's last resort. The boy was letting himself be pulled along now and Roy started to relax. If he hadn't been so worried that Ed must be injured to be that late, he really would've enjoyed the walk out here. Now he was enjoying the walk back.

As soon as he completely took his focus off the now-cooperating alchemist he was retrieving however, Ed slipped out of his jacket, stuck his tongue out at Roy and ran away. Roy had had enough.

He snapped his gloved fingers, sending a ring of flame around the annoying brat, who halted and then transmuted an underground tunnel through which he began to crawl.

"AAAAAAAAAGH! I GIVE UP!" Roy stalked angrily back to HQ where he proceeded to incinerate a pile of paperwork.

"But Riza," he pleaded, "I thought you said it was junkmail."

"Sir," Riza Hawkeye was trembling with rage, "Eastern Military Headquarters... does not recieve junkmail!"


"...Hey, Mustang?"

Roy jumped in surprise, blotching the signature he'd been applying to yet another random election ballad concerning whether or not the bathroom doors in all military facilities actually needed to have the words "Men" and "Women" on them.

That had to be the worst thing about being promoted to Colonel. As a Lt. Colonel, you were expected to keep up-to-date with 'procedure voting' issues, but it wasn't until you were a colonel that you actually had to give a three page opinion as well as a vote, to every single issue brought up by every single idiot who accidentally walked into the wrong bathroom or choked on a wadded up disposable paper cup (Roy had voted to keep using them because if the military switched to plastic, someone would probably hurt themselves with the sharp edges created when the cups were smashed).

"Edward! What are you doing here?"

Ed blushed angrily and stepped in, having decided that Roy was not going to torch him. Not yet anyway.

"Um, what did you want to see me about earlier?" Ed was obviously curious.

"Earlier being eight hours ago now, Edward? I go home in three minutes and I need to finish this stupid-." Roy stopped himself. Ed would only laugh at him if he started ranting about his paperwork.

To the colonel's surprise, Ed peeked over the desk and skimmed the report, easily getting the gist of it.

"Why should all the bathrooms be labeled? That's dumb."

"To make the idiots that confuse pictures of skirts and pictures of pants happy," Roy growled.

"But what about all the higher-ups in charge of all the facilities? It doesn't seem like much, but they're all going to have to buy paint for every single porta-a-potty near a military building. If you just use 'Military Facilities,' like that, you're talking about every place the military sets up." Ed paused for a moment. "But maybe if you go paint all the bathrooms yourself, you'll get promoted."He grinned.

Roy just stared at him thoughtfully. "You really think about this stuff, don't you?"

Ed nodded shyly and Roy's face suddenly lit up in an evil grin.

"In order to repay for the time you wasted by making me chase you, you will write this up. And you will take this order very seriously, because if you screw up, you'll be painting portapotties in the desert for the next two months.

Ed narrowed his eyes, not liking being bossed around. "Admit that you only want me to do it because you sound stupid on paper."

Roy's eye twitched. It was true he was much better at giving oral reports, but Ed was really getting out of hand lately.

"That's it, Edward Elric. I am not going to tolerate your insubordination any longer." Roy stood suddenly.

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?" Ed slammed both hands on Roy's desk. Roy snapped. This time, he'd really really had it. Without realizing what he was even saying, he came around the desk swiftly, causing Ed to back away.

"I'm going to beat you bloody and feed you to a vampire and put you through the food processor and make cookie dough out of you and eat you for breakfast-" Ed was backing away very quickly now, eyes wide with alarm. "And use the leftovers for target practice and then pick up all your tiny remains and roll them in the dirt and kick them-" Ed was almost out the door. "And stomp on them with my boots and-" Ed was out, turning to the side to start running down East HQ's hallway. As he fled, Roy was left shouting out of his office door, "AND POUR GASOLINE ON THEM AND BLOW THEM UP!" he finished, retreating in shame to his office. Why did he ever let Ed get to him that way? He'd never hear the end of this. And then there was the report...

"Great. Now I have to write this myself."


It took Riza coaxing Ed with fresh, still-warm chocolate chip cookies to get him into the break room and then give Fuery the signal to bring Roy in to get them to talk to each other. Roy actually knew he needed to tell Edward about the upcoming assignment, but Ed had refused to get anywhere near Mustang since a week ago when the colonel had snapped.

Munching on a warm, chewy cookie, Ed looked around, jumping when Roy came in the door.

"Easy, Ed," Roy sighed. "Listen, the Fuhrer is planning this great big parade-thingy and all the State Alchemists are supposed to do a performance routine, so I need you to come to the park after work for rehearsal." Roy cut straight to the chase.

"What?" Ed picked up another cookie.

"Well, it's sort of going to be a choreographed alchemic display with.. you know, marching and stuff."

"Do I have to?" Ed snarfed another cookie.

"Yes. I get off work around four, OK? I'll give you a ride."

"Damn... I don't have to wear my uniform, do I?"

"Not for the rehearsal, no. Maybe for the parade. Will you be in the library?"

"At four? Yeah... I guess." Ed proceeded to finish the last of the cookies before going to bury himself in an armchair in the library with a book.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. You made that much easier. Who knew he really was a sucker for cookies?"

Riza smiled and nodded.


Please tell me what you think so far! Reviews are appreciated.